Full Circle
by twilightsgrace23
Summary: Handling college and a relationship isn't as easy as Bella and Embry thought it would be. Can they handle it or will they crack under the pressure? Bella & Embry / Bella & Jacob * *Second place winner* JBNP 2010 Summer award for Highest Hanky Count!
1. Childish

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

Part One

"I'm so childish, a little bit wildish, with my rum-diddly-um-diddly-um-diddly, I'm so deep"

Perfection is so overrated. You can find perfection in the words of a song, on a night spent on the beach.

Perfect is a mirage in the middle of this dry and boring life.

Perfect is a childish reaction that only a child can find.

My life, at this moment was far from perfect. Or at least that's what a stranger would say.

It was perfect and I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

"Childish" – Damien Rice


	2. Jacksonville

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**Alright, here's the new story. Just a fair warning now this WILL be a Bella & Embry story and a Bella & Jacob story, so feel free to run away screaming now if you don't like stories like that. If you do, proceed..lol. Big thanks to my beta ShelbySue who editied this, she definitely rocks for not freaking out and running for the hills when I sent her a five chapter document. Anyways...hope you like it..and if not, well that's cool too.  
**

**BPOV**

**August**

Miles and miles of lush green landscape rushed by the car windows as Embry sped through the night. Well at least I thought it was lush and green. It was hard to see anything in the inky darkness. I leaned my head against the air conditioned window, clutching my stomach.

For the last day and a half I'd consumed more cheetos than any one person should ever _think_ about consuming, let alone actually doing. I groaned as my stomach clenched. I felt like I was going to hurl.

Embry glanced over at me, his features alien-like in the green glow of the dash. "You okay, babe?" he asked, one eye on the road ahead, one eye on me.

"No," I groaned. "I need real food, and sleep. This shit," I motioned toward the back seat of the Ram his mother bought him as a graduation gift. It was littered with empty chip bags and crushed soda cans, "is killing me."

"Can we at least make it to Missoula before I pull over for the night?"

I glared at him. "Would you like me to yack all over your new car?"

He grimaced, "No. The next time I see a sign for a hotel I'll pull off, okay?"

"Fine." I wrapped my arms tighter around my stomach and closed my eyes, the window glass cool against my forehead.

It was a stupid decision to drive all the way to Florida. I thought it would be fun, stopping at all the geeky little tourist traps along the way, a last hurrah before starting college next week. Embry thought differently. It was like he was in a race against time, trying to get to Florida as soon as he possibly could.

My chest, my heart in particular, ached whenever I thought about it. Once we got to Florida we would be apart – him in Gainesville and the University of Florida and me in Jacksonville at the University of North Florida.

I had applied to three schools in Florida, University of Florida, Florida State and UNF. Guess which one I didn't get accepted to? If you guessed UF, you'd be right. Thinking back though, two out of three isn't bad.

I cried about it for a week before I'd chosen to go to UNF; it was closer to UF than FSU was. Embry and I spent the summer together. He wrote me music; I tried to con him into having sex with me before we left for college.

It never worked. He kept saying things like, "I want to make it special for you," or "We're too young, let's wait a little longer." It was stupid and we both knew it, but I accepted it. I guess there was more to a relationship than just sex.

I snorted softly, lost inside my own head. More than just sex. Tell that to my rampant teenage hormones. He thought simply being able to get me off would keep me satisfied. We both knew it wouldn't be long until he gave in and gave me what I wanted. I could see it in his eyes every time he – The truck turned sharply. I glared at Embry. "What are you doing?" I hollered.

"I almost missed the exit," he said sheepishly.

"Oh." I leaned my head against the window as we rounded the bend. "Where are we?"

"We just crossed the border. Welcome to Montana."

He pulled up at a Super 8 that looked brand new and parked the truck. I opened the door and stepped out into the still summer night. A semi rushed by, the loud rumble faded away and the crickets resumed their summer song. I slammed the door and followed Embry to the main office.

The night clerk lazily took our information, slid a key across the desk then turned back to a Family Guy re-run.

"Come on," Embry said, his arm around my waist, "Let's get you to bed."

He unlocked the door to our room and pushed it open. I shivered, staring into the dark room. Basements and hotel rooms, I hated them both. I stood on the sidewalk, letting Embry go in before me. He turned the lights on, checked the bathroom then turned to look at me. "All clear," he called.

I crossed the threshold and shut the door behind me. My eyes drifted across the room. The sight of the neatly made bed was like a mirage of water and women in the dessert. Sleepily I drifted toward it, collapsing on top of the covers fully dressed.

"Bella, put some night clothes on," Embry urged.

"I don't want to. I want to sleep, right now. Night clothes be damned," I muttered into the mattress. Embry laughed as he sat down next to me. The mattress sank under his weight. He ran his fingers through my hair.

"You want me to go get you something to eat?"

I shook my head no. "I just wanna sleep."

"Okay, well at least scoot up, put your head on the pillow."

I scooted up toward the top of the bed, my head sinking into the soft pillow. "Happy?" I muttered.

"Yes," he whispered, his lips grazing my forehead. "I love you. Sleep well."

I closed my eyes. The lamp beside my head clicked twice. "I love you too," I murmured as sleep washed over me.

Embry was awake when I woke up the next morning. "Good morning," he said as I sat up.

I yawned, raising my arms high above my head, inhaling deeply. Something smelled delicious. My mouth watered as I looked around. Sitting on the table by the window was a brown paper bag. "Morning," I replied, eyeing the bag. "What's that?" I asked, pointing at it.

"Breakfast, if you want it," he replied through a mouthful of food.

I climbed out of bed, snagging the brown paper bag. Unfolding the top the smell of hash browns, sausage and egg wafted out. I reached in and pulled out the world's fattest breakfast burrito. Taking a bite I closed my eyes, relishing the taste of something other than cheetos and mountain dew.

"We're gonna head out in about two hours, okay?"

"Are we gonna drive until we get to Florida or are we going to take our time?"

"Bella, I kinda want to get there, you know. Get settled in, learn my way around, all that stuff."

"Oh," I said trying to hide the sadness in my voice. I took another bite of my burrito, chewed then swallowed hard. It got caught in my throat on the way down. I swallowed again, feeling the lump of burrito slowly slide its way down my throat.

I don't know what I expected when we set out on this journey. Maybe I had some romantic notion that we would take the trip and have fun. I sighed and finished the last of my breakfast.

We left the hotel after I'd had the chance to take a shower and put on some clean clothes. I sat in the passenger side of the truck, watching the trees rush by.

We stopped again that night. It was late when Embry pulled up to the hotel. I was half asleep and trudged to the room, Embry trailing just behind me. I was too tired to look for killers hiding in the bathroom. I changed quickly and fell into bed, exhausted.

It was right back to the road the next morning. I sat there staring out the window as the radio stations faded to static every few miles.

_The great American road trip, _I thought sarcastically_, how awesome. Nothing but trees as far as the eye can see_. I dozed off somewhere between Nashville and Atlanta. When I woke up the sun was shining brightly overhead, we whizzed by other cars, up ahead a sign flashed by welcoming us to Tybee Island.

_Tybee Island?_ I thought. _Where the hell are we?_

"Um, where are we?"I asked.

"You'll see," Embry replied cryptically.

"Uh, okay." I leaned around the seat, digging around in the cooler for something to drink. I plunged my hand into the ice, digging around for a soda. My fingers closed around the cold can and I pulled it out.

I popped the top and took a long swallow. "You're really not going to tell me where we're going?"

"No. All I'm gonna tell you is that you're getting what you asked for. You wanted us to take our time, have fun getting to Florida, so wish granted. We still have like, a week and a half before classes start. We have time to have fun."

Four hours later, he pulled the truck into a parking lot of a hotel. "Come on," he said as he got out.

"What is going on?"

"We're spending the next two days on the beach, relaxing."

I ran around the front of the truck and hugged him. "I love you, I love you, I love you," I squealed.

"Will you still love me even if this is the shittiest hotel we've stayed in thus far?"

I looked up at him, at those hazel eyes that made me all mushy inside. "I wouldn't care if we had to sleep in the truck," I told him. "I just want to be with you."

We spent four days on Tybee Island. On our last night in Georgia a huge storm came in off the ocean. I opened the French doors to watch the ocean rage and crash against the shore.

I stood there, gripping the edges of the door watching nature's fury. Embry came to stand behind me, his hands warm on my bare waist. "It's beautiful, isn't it?"

I nodded and leaned back into his chest. He'd recently started working out more, his chest was well defined and chiseled, hard against my back.

"Do we really need to leave tomorrow? Can't we just stop time, freeze this moment and stay here forever?" I said softly.

"I wish we could. It would be nice, wouldn't it? To just hole up here forever and act like nothing else exists?"

I sighed. It would be nice. "I'm scared," I whispered.

"Of what?"

"Em, seriously? Do you know how many couples go off to college and think that they're gonna be the one couple that makes it? We're no different. We think that we're going to make it because we're only going to be an hour and a half apart. I'm just scared that we won't make it, that it's going to be too far or just too much for us to handle."

"It'll be fine. It always has been. I mean look at us, look at everything we've already been through and we've still made it out on the other side relatively unscathed. You think that this, that college, is gonna be the thing to break us? I don't think so."

He had a point. Then again, he always did. I survived my mother being murdered, my step-father being paralyzed then committing suicide, a crazy step-sister, learning the truth about who my mother really was, among countless other things and I made it out of it all, alive.

"You're right," I finally admitted. "We can do this."

A jagged bolt of lightning split open the sky, striking the sand. I scream and jumped back out of the doorway.

Embry chuckled behind me. "Bella, relax, it's just lightening. We should go down to where it struck. I bet you it turned the sand to glass. Come on." He tugged on my hand, pulling me out into the stormy night.

Rain pelted my skin, fat, cool drops pasting my hair to my scalp. I ran, following Embry in the direction of the lightening strike. He stopped, coming to a complete halt in the middle of the sand. I crashed into his back and fell into the sand.

He turned to look at me, smiling, his white teeth glowing in the darkness. Thunder rumbled overhead. "Did you find it?" I asked.

He reached for my hand, pulling me up. I dusted the sand off the back of my shorts and peered around him. I was expecting a glass sculpture or something like the things from _Sweet Home Alabama. _Instead it was just a chunk of sand fused together.

"Okay, we need to get off the beach before one of us gets struck by lightning," I said, grabbing his arm.

"Hang on, let me grab it."

"Embry, it's probably hot. You'll burn yourself," I protested.

He stood and pulled off his tee-shirt. Throwing it on the ground, he used a large piece of driftwood and pushed the fulgurites onto his tee-shirt. "There," he said proudly picking up the edges of the shirt, cradling the rock like a baby in a sack. "Got it. Now let's go."

We ran through the rain back to our hotel room. I made it through the door first. I stood there waiting for Embry, all the while dripping rain onto the hideous maroon and gold swirled carpet. He ran, shirtless and soaking wet, through the French doors. My heart skipped a beat as he stood there clutching his tee shirt.

My mind wandered momentarily. I could see him grab me by the arms and throw me on the bed, languidly removing one article of clothing at a time; could feel his fingers sensually caressing me. I shivered, desire coursing through me.

"Bella?" Embry crossed the room and grabbed my shoulders, shaking me. "Bella, are you okay?"

I blinked, coming out of my daydream. "Hmm?" I blinked again, forcing away the images of wet bodies intertwined, writhing in pleasure and –

"Bella?"

"I'm sorry," I apologized. _Focus, _I ordered myself.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm, um, I – uh." Jesus Christ, why couldn't I just tell him what I wanted? I sighed. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

I nodded. "I'm gonna change, get ready for bed, you know?"

I turned to walk away when Embry caught my wrist. He spun me around, pulling me towards him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his. His fevered skin warmed mine. He slid his hands under the damp cotton tank top and pulled it up over my head.

I looked up at him as he threw my shirt across the room. "What are we doing?" I murmured against his chest.

"Whatever you want," he said softly.

"I don't want to force you to do something you're not ready to do," I said.

"You're not," he replied.

"Embry-"

"I think I need it too," he said.

He picked me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me to the bed. My heart pounded as he sat me down. I gazed up at him as I fell back into the plush pillow top.

I'd been begging him for this for a while now, and now that we were here I wasn't sure I could go through with it. I lay there, staring at the ceiling as he kissed a trail around my belly button.

I think he sensed my reluctance as he unzipped my shorts, pulling them down slowly. Embry dropped them to the floor, they fell with an audibly wet plopping sound.

"We don't have to do this," he murmured against my thigh, his lips soft and warm as they moved across my skin.

I lay there, frustrated and scared. I heard the other girls at school saying it hurt like hell, and other girls said they didn't feel a thing. Then again the guys they screwed had small dicks. I was leaning toward the "its gonna hurt like hell" side of the scale. Embry was well, gifted and we'll just leave it at that.

"I want to," I told him, propping myself up on my elbows and looking at him. Outside, the storm intensified, lights flickered and the windows shook in their panes as another clap of thunder boomed across the sky.

I sat all the way up and grabbed Embry's face. "I want to do this," I said convincingly. Doubt flickered in his eyes, flashing over it disappeared quickly.

"Okay, hang on for a second. If we're going to do this we should at least responsible about it." He quickly crossed the room and unzipped his shower bag. At least he had common sense. He came back carrying a small foil square.

I watched as he tore it open and rolled it down then length of him. "All set," he grinned.

I rolled onto my knees and pulled him toward me, shoving my hands into his hair I kissed him.

Embry wrapped his arms around my waist, mashing our bodies together. I could feel his heart; it was beating just as fast as mine.

He grabbed the tie of my bathing suit bottom and tugged either side simultaneously. The skimpy scrap of fabric fell away then he went for the top. The straps dangled against my skin, the top sandwiched between our bodies.

With arms like steel bands across my back, he lowered me to the bed. He gazed down at me, eyes so full of love. "I hear this hurts," he whispered, "I'm sorry."

Slowly he entered me. I cried out at the searing pain. It felt like someone shoved a white hot iron up inside me.

"Want me to stop?" he asked, concern laced his voice.

I shook my head no and gritted my teeth. He pushed in a little further. I grimaced as the pain intensified. What the hell was this shit? Where were all the cheesy porno faces and little mewling sounds in the back of your throat? Jesus freaking Christ!

Progress came at a snail's pace, he'd push in a little further, and I'd grit my teeth and take it. This was not glamorous or even fucking fun.

Embry exhaled once he was fully inside. I wanted to look up at him and ask what next, but apparently he'd seen more porn than me, so he knew what to do. I laid there waiting for the pain to stop.

It was over in a matter of minutes, I guess that's what they meant by a one minute man. I didn't care. Sex was overrated. Seriously over-rated. Embry collapsed beside me. "I'm sorry," he breathed.

"It's okay," I said, rolling over I laid my head on his chest. His heart was racing. I closed my eyes. "Is it always going to feel like that?" I asked.

Embry grunted. "I dunno. I don't think so. I think the more you do it, the less it hurts, you know. Look at all the movies and TV and shit. They seem to enjoy it, so it can't always be that bad."

"Well it obviously wasn't bad for you," I muttered.

"No, Bella, it was fantastic. I willingly put you in pain and it was a blast," he said sarcastically.

"Sorry," I said. "Wanna do it again."

He laughed, my head bounced up and down. "I think we should get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow night."

* * *

We stayed in Georgia for another day then continued our trip to Florida. We arrived the Saturday before school started.

As we entered the city I directed him to the apartment I was going to be sharing with Rosalie. We'd been best friends in high school, before my parents died, before I moved. We drifted apart for a while, but then came back together towards the end of my senior year of high school. She'd been accepted to UNF as well and we decided living together would be awesome – not to mention cheaper than living in the dorms.

Embry turned into the apartment complex and let out a whistle. "Fancy duds," he grinned.

I looked around. It was a nice complex. I just hoped it was safe. He parked the truck in front of the apartment that was going to be my new home and got out.

"Come on," I said grabbing his hand. "Let's go check this place out."

Rosalie had sent me the keys two weeks ago. We climbed the stairs and let ourselves in to the apartment. It was sparsely furnished, but huge. I glanced down the hall, the door was closed, a sign taped to it declared that it was Rosalie's room.

"Hello?" I called. I expected her to be here. No one answered. "Well I guess my room is over here." I walked across the living room and looked down the second hallway. A sign taped to the second door announced that was "Bella's room." I smiled and walked down the hall. Sure enough all the stuff that sat in storage for the last two years was piled in the center of the room.

"Lovely," I muttered, entering the room. From the looks of it, I had a lot to do before Monday. I turned to look at Embry, who was looking around the brightly lit space. "Well. I guess we should get my stuff out of the truck, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess so," he said, still looking around.

We made four trips to the truck to get my things. Embry stayed and helped me put my bed together. I unpacked all my clothes and hung my pictures on the wall while he fought a losing battle against the headboard and an Allen wrench.

The moon chased the sun out over the west and my room was starting to look like a room. "You should stay up here tonight, then drive down to Gainesville in the morning," I told him as we ate pizza on the floor of my room.

"I guess I could do that. Sure you got enough room in that bed for the both of us?"

I smiled and crawled across the room, planting a pepperoni flavored kiss on his face. "I absolutely have enough room in that bed for you. And I absolutely love you. Just want you to know that."

He kissed my nose. "I absolutely love you too. I'll stay the night, then head out tomorrow. Does that make you happy?"

I snagged another slice of pizza out of the open box and sat down. "Immensely."

**Review are gnarly...so leave some.. :)**

**"Jacksonville" ****by Josh Turner**  



	3. Close Yet Far

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer**

Lol…yes we've been there and done that with the whole Bella & Jacob thing…but I promise, them getting back together is for a good reason. So anyways…thanks go out to ShelbySue, the most wonderful beta in the world. And I hope you like this chapter.

**BPOV**

The first week of school flew by. It wasn't much different from high school; go to class, do assignments, repeat. But it was hard. I felt so alone surrounded by a sea of people. Embry was an hour and a half away, Rosalie was never home and I missed my family.

I called home every day and talked to my step-mom, Sue and my dad Charlie, but it still wasn't enough. I think Sue sensed my loneliness.

"Bella, are you sure you're okay down there?" Sue asked.

I could hear Carly Simon singing in the background. I smiled at the familiarity and longing coursed through me. I wanted to be back in Forks. So god damn bad.

"Bella? Are you still there?"

"Yeah, Mom, I'm still here. I was just thinking."

"About what sweetheart?"

"Just stuff. It's okay. I'm alright. I guess it's just that adjustment thing, you know. I'll be fine, I swear."

"How is Embry? Have you talked to him?"

I glanced at my watch. "Oh, crap. He's supposed to be here in an hour."

I looked around. For never being here, Rosalie made one hell of a mess. I could not, for the life of me, understand how she did it. "But, to your question. Yes, I talk to Embry every night, and he says he's doing fine. He's excited for football season to start even though he's not sure he'll be playing."

"Why won't he be playing?" she asked. I heard the mixer start and I wondered what she was making.

"Something about him being a freshman and seniors needing a chance, the BCS ranking. I don't know. College ball is confusing, Mom."

Sue laughed, "All football is confusing, dear."

"Yeah, well…"

"I know," she chuckled, "Phil taught you everything you know."

Phil, my step-father, was a quarterback in the NFL before he died. When he wasn't playing he was teaching me all the rules of the game. I grew up a girl who knew more about football than most of the boys I went to school with.

I glanced at the clock on the wall. "Mom, I have to go. It's getting late and Rosalie left a mess for me to clean and Embry will be here soon."

"Alright sweetheart, try and call back this weekend, Seth has been dying to talk to you. He misses you something fierce. And Leah told me to tell you that you were wrong."

I laughed. "What was I wrong about?"

"She said to tell you that you were wrong. The sister wasn't dead. I don't know what that means, but she told me to tell you that."

I laughed; I knew exactly what she was talking about. It was a sort of game Leah and I used to play back in high school. We'd make bets about movie plots, particularly horror movies and the bets would involve who got killed first, or who the killer was. Most of the time I won, just because Leah was a bit naive.

"Tell her, she won this round but still has lots of making up to do."

Sue laughed. "I will. Take care sweetie and if you need anything, anything at all you call and let us know."

"I will, Mom. Give Dad and Seth a kiss from me."

"Alright sweetie. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye."

"Bye!"

I hung up and started picking up all of Rosalie's things that were lying around. I carried them to her room and dumped them right in the middle of her bedroom floor. I think she thought our apartment was a strip joint, she must walk through the door and start taking her clothes off.

Once the living room had been restored to order I attacked the kitchen. The dishes that were piled in the sink looked like something that I brought home from biology class.

I dug a pair of rubber gloves out from under the sink and poked the dishes, jumping back in case there was anything alive in there.

When the dishes didn't come to life and attack me, I opened the dishwasher and began putting them inside. Once the kitchen was clean and our "grow a person in your sink" kit had been cleaned up, I went to take a shower.

The setting sun cast orange rays on the living room walls, setting them on fire. I looked around, making sure that nothing was out of place. I jumped when someone knocked on the door.

Rushing to the door, I yanked it open and jumped into Embry's arms. "Oh my god I've missed you so freaking much," I mumbled into his chest.

"You gonna make me stand out here in the hallway all afternoon or are you gonna let me in?"

"Hmm, you're gonna have to wait a few more seconds, my other boyfriend is creeping out the back door."

"Ha-ha. It's a good think I know you don't have a back door or else I'd be pretty damn jealous."

I looked up at him innocently. "You know you're the only one for me."

I pulled him inside, kicking the door shut. "I've missed you so much," I exclaimed as he dropped his worn out neon orange Adidas bag to the floor and pulled me against his chest. Lowering his mouth to mine, he pressed his warm lips to mine. I parted my lips, grazing his lower lip with my teeth.

I reached up, running my fingers through his hair. It was shorter than it was the last time I'd seen him. For some reason this worried me. I pushed the thought from my mind and kissed him back, enjoying the way his tongue pushed against mine.

"Em," I said breathlessly.

He leaned back and gazed down at me. "Hmm?"

"Can we just…slow down? You just walked in the door and we've barely said five words to each other, we just skipped right to trying to rip each other's clothes off. I want to hear about school. Tell me about school, we have all weekend to do other stuff."

"School is good." He walked into the kitchen and pulled open the fridge. "You want something to drink?" he called over his shoulder.

"Yeah, please."

Embry came back into the living room carrying two cans of soda. He handed one to me, then sat down next to me on the couch. I moved over, laying my head on his shoulder. "So you like UF?"

"Well it's only been a week, but yeah, so far it's pretty cool. Gainesville is nice. It's just really fregging hot down here. It's ridiculous."

"Yeah I know. It'll be warm for a little while longer. August and September are normally the hottest two months of the year, then in October it cools down a little and starts to get cold around Thanksgiving. Have you met with the football team yet?"

Embry nodded, taking a sip of his soda. "Yeah, we had a meeting yesterday afternoon. The coach is pretty awesome. He gave this speech, about gators. He said something about it being Gator football, and gators are sneaky, they'll lurk just beneath the surface of the water, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. And it was the same with our team. We wait, and when the moment is right, we grab it. He said that's why we're ranked number one in the BCS standings. It was pretty motivational. I can't wait for the season to start."

I pushed a lock of hair off his forehead and gazed into his eyes. "That's awesome. Who gave that speech, Urban Meyer?"

Embry nodded. "Is that really his real name?"

I shrugged. "I really don't know. I think it is. Why?"

"It's just an odd name, that's all." Embry looked around. "Where's Rosalie?"

"I don't know. Probably buried underneath the pile of clothes I just put in her room. She is such a slob."

Embry chuckled. "You can always get your own place," he suggested.

"Yeah, but then I would really be alone."

"Aw babe, you're not alone."

I didn't say anything, just rested my head on his shoulder. "I'm glad you came up this weekend. I really missed you."

"I missed you too. You want to go out and grab something to eat?"

I nodded and got up. "We can go downtown, if you want. Maybe to the Landing, there's a lot of restaurants and stuff down there."

* * *

It was after midnight when we got back to the apartment. Rosalie was curled up, fast asleep on the couch, the TV playing an old black and white movie. I giggled and pressed my finger to my lips, hushing Embry. He closed the door, engaging the deadbolt. It slammed against the lock plate with a loud metallic _thwack_.

The two of us tiptoed across the living room. I shut the TV off as I walked by. We made it to the sanctity of my room without waking Rosalie.

"I'm gonna hop in the shower. Care to join me?" I looked over at Embry who sat on the edge of the bed taking off his shoes. He leapt off the bed, fumbling with his belt buckle.

I laughed and went to turn the water on. Embry's pants hit the floor, the belt buckle tinkled as he stepped out of them. "Wait for me," he called.

"I haven't even gotten in yet," I laughed. I tested the water, adjusting the knobs so it was the perfect temperature then stepped in.

Warm water washed over me, rivulets of water snaked in streams down my legs, continuing their journey to the drain. I turned my face to the spray, wetting my face and hair, washing away the smells of cigarette smoke, seafood and the Saint John's out of my hair.

"Got any room for one more in there," Embry asked, pulling the blue and brown striped curtain back.

I wiped my eyes. Turning to look at him I smiled and said, "Of course there is."

He smiled and stepped into the shower. "Jesus, Bella, this tub is huge!" he exclaimed.

I laughed because it was and I sure as hell wasn't complaining. "It's got jets too," I boasted.

"Screw a shower, fill this puppy up and let's check it out."

"Let me wash my hair first, okay?"

"Here," he said taking the bottle of shampoo from my hands. He squirted some into his hands and began massaging my scalp, working the shampoo into a lather. I leaned back into his chest as he rubbed my hair.

His hands slid down my neck and across my shoulders. I moaned when his soapy hands covered my breasts, kneading the soft skin. He wasted no time there, hands continued their journey south.

A finger plunged into the soft tissue at the apex of my hips and rubbed the swollen bud. My breath caught in my throat as Embry's fingers pulled me closer toward the edge of oblivion. My body quivered as the edge rushed closer. I fought against it, not wanting this to be over so soon.

I reached down and grabbed his hand, my body protesting. Panting, I looked up at him and said, "I want more, I want you."

His hazel eyes were dark and hooded as he shut off the water. I suddenly envied Rosalie's bathroom, she had a seat in her shower, whereas mine didn't.

Embry hopped out of the tub and picked me up like I weighed no more than a sack of flour and carried me to the bed.

Setting me down, he leaned over and opened the bedside table. He smiled when he saw how well stocked it was.

"Rosalie…"I trailed off.

"I didn't say anything," he said, his voice husky.

He tore open the condom with his teeth and rolled it on effortlessly. It didn't hurt nearly as bad this time as it did the first time. It actually felt…good.

Beads of sweat popped up on Embry's forehead as he thrust against me. This strange sensation rose up, creeping up my legs, clenching my stomach rising up to my chest. My heart raced, a strange sound emitted from my mouth. I bucked against Embry, two opposing forces moving together in syncopated rhythm.

I cried out again, groans of ecstasy escaping my parted lips. Embry grunted, roughly grabbing my hips, he buried himself full hilt within me. His face contorted, then his body relaxed a hint of a smile played at the corners of his lips.

"That was awesome," he said as he collapsed on the bed beside me.

"I think I see what the big deal is now," I admitted.

"What do you mean?" he asked, lazing tracing moonlit pattern on my back.

"Well," I began sheepishly, "the last time, it was just kind of, well…" I trailed off, not wanting to hurt his feelings.

"The first time was bad. I know. This is all new, you know. Trust me, your hand _does not_ compare to the real thing." He blushed, his skin turning a deep shade of red in the moonlight.

I giggled softly. "I didn't want to say all that. I just didn't expect it to be that way. I mean all the girls always said it hurt, but I didn't think it would hurt like that. Not like it matters, it's over with now."

I closed my eyes. Embry's heart beat a steady rhythm in his chest, lulling me to sleep. I listened to the steady _thump, thump, thump, _of his heart and the evenness of his breathing.

"Sleep tight, Bella," he whispered.

I will, I thought. I will now that you're here.

The next morning, the shining sun woke me. _ I really need to get some curtains, _I thought as I pulled a pillow over my head. Embry groaned in his sleep and rolled toward me, his arms dragging me across the bed toward him.

"Good morning," he grumbled in my ear.

"Good morning," I replied snuggling closer to him.

"You really need to get some curtains," he said, echoing my thoughts. "The sun blinding me at," he rolled over, glancing at the alarm clock, "Eight in the morning is so not my idea of a good time."

"I'll get some curtains. Maybe some of those ones that block the light completely, you know what I mean?"

He grunted, burying his face in my neck and kissing it. "Sounds good. Know what sounds better?"

"Breakfast at iHop?" I said hopefully.

"Mmm, no." He ran his hand down my bare waist and back up, tracing the contour of my left breast. I smiled at him.

"Are you trying to seduce me?" I murmured hitching my leg over his hip.

"Depends. Is it working?"

I smiled and nodded my head. He rolled over, pulling me on top of him. "I don't know what to do," I murmured as I sank down over the length of him.

Embry grabbed my hips, guiding me up and down. It didn't take long for the tingly sensation to creep up my legs.

Embry groaned. I looked down at him. "You gotta stop," he said, teeth gritted.

"What's wrong?" I asked, panic clutching my chest.

"I didn't – I don't-"

"Oh!" I practically jumped off of him. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize-"

"It's okay."

I breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn't wearing a condom. That could have been so much worse than it was. _Mental note to self_, I chided. _Condoms are your friend, babies are not fun_.

"Come on, we'll shower and go to breakfast." He pulled me off the bed and we went to take a shower.

We went to a diner around the corner for breakfast. The scent of fried potatoes and maple syrup punctuated by bitter coffee hung in the air as we sat in a corner booth in the back of the diner.

"So, I have a surprise for you," I told Embry as the waitress set steaming mugs of coffee in front of us.

He dumped some sugar into his cup. He set the sugar container down and looked up at me. "What?"

"There's this club, Jack Rabbits, and I got us tickets to go see Mayday Parade play there tonight."

Embry set his cup of coffee down on the table and grinned. "Are you freaking serious?"

I nodded, smiling. Embry had this crazy love affair with Mayday Parade. It was ridiculous. In high school he had covers of their cds tacked to his bedroom ceiling. I didn't understand the obsession. Their music was good, but there were so many other bands that were better.

_Oh well_, I thought. That's just "his thing" I guess. "So yeah, the show starts at eight."

"That is so awesome. I'm so stoked, you don't even know."

Our waitress, a rail thin woman with dirty blond hair pulled into a sloppy ponytail, came back to the table and set our plates in front of us. "Need anything else?" she asked in a slow drawl.

We both shook our heads no and she moved off, back towards the kitchen.

"Have you heard from Jake?" Embry asked.

I nodded my head yes. "He sent me an email the other day to let me know that he made it to Tallahassee okay. Why have you talked to him?"

"Yeah, he called me Friday afternoon. Said he got settled in and that your sister hasn't stopped calling him since he left."

I laughed. Poor Jake. Leah was going to go all psycho girlfriends on him. Jake was a friend of ours from high school. The three of us had this strange little love triangle thing going on in high school. When I first moved to Forks Jake was dating Leah. They broke up and Jake and I started dating.

Embry was my best friend, who happened to have a huge crush on me. I didn't know and he never told me. It all came to a head right before Christmas break our junior year of high school. Our -Jake, Embry, and I- English teacher was a nut and had us re-write perfectly written Shakespeare then perform it in front of the entire junior class.

Jake had been my partner, we had to rewrite a kissing scene from The Taming of the Shrew, only Jake was sick the day of the performance and I had to kiss Embry instead.

Talk about the surprise of a lifetime. I kissed him, realizing that it wasn't Jake that I should be dating, but Embry.

Jake and I broke up, and Embry, who had always been there for me through everything, promised that nothing would change between us, that he would always be there for me no matter what. I loved him more than anything else in this life. He was the peanut butter to my jelly.

"Bella? You okay?" Embry said, reaching across the table, gently shaking my arm.

"Yeah, sorry. Lost in la-la land. We should go out to Tallahassee to see him. What do you think?"

"That sounds good. Give him a call and see if he'd be up for that and we'll go."

* * *

We went to the Mayday Parade show at Jack Rabbits that night, then fell into bed, exhausted a little after two in the morning. The sun woke us again Sunday morning. Embry grumbled about not getting curtains yesterday. I laughed sadly, knowing I was going to miss his early morning banter when tomorrow morning came and I awoke alone.

We walked along the river that afternoon, stopping at Smiley's for an ice cream cone of epic proportions. As we walked back to the apartment, my hand in Embry's I looked up at him, squinting against the sun and asked, "Do you really have to go back to Gainesville?"

"You know I do," he said sadly. "But it's just a five days until the weekend. And then you get to come see me. It'll be okay, you'll see."

I sighed. I knew it would, but that didn't make it suck any less. I sat on the edge of the bed while he packed up his things, my heart heavy.

He left the room, orange bag in tow. When he came back, he had his car keys in hand. "I have to head back."

I nodded. "I know. Come on, I'll walk you to your car." I got up off the bed and followed Embry down to the parking lot. He opened the truck door and leaned against it.

"I'll call you when I get home, okay?"

"Alright. Have a safe trip." I started to walk away when Embry called my name. I turned, glancing over my shoulder at him.

"You forgot something," he called.

I ran back, launching myself at him. He caught me, spinning me around. "I love you," he said into my neck. "Now gimme a kiss."

I kissed him, but I couldn't help but feel a little bittersweet. "I love you," I said when I pulled away.

"I'll see you this weekend," he replied, getting inside his truck.

"Whatever it takes," I said.

"Whatever it takes," he echoed.

That had been our "thing" when I was stressing about college. He looked at me one day after I got the rejection letter from UF, he looked at me and said, "Bella, I'll keep us together, whatever it takes. No matter how many hours I have to drive to see you. We're gonna make this work, no matter what, because I am willing to do whatever it takes."

I watched as the Ram backed out of the parking space and disappeared around the corner. Wrapping my arms around my middle I blinked away the tears.

Five days, I reminded myself. Five stupid, measly days. Whatever it takes, right?

**Reviews are better than hot shower sex…lol.**

"Close Yet Far" - CKY


	4. Only You

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer**

**I know it sucks that its a Jacob & Embry story...but if it wasn't that way there wouldn't be a story. Jacob is kind of important to the story line. ****Huge thanks to ShelbySue my totally awesome beta. Hope you guys like this chapter.  
**

**BPOV**

_December_

I impatiently tapped the phone, waiting for Embry to pick up. For the third time, his voicemail answered, instead of him.

"Embry," I said unable to keep the edge of exasperation out of my voice. "I can't come down this weekend. I have a project due Monday and I still have a ton of work to do. Call me back, okay?"

I hung up and threw phone onto the bed, annoyed he hadn't answered the phone. The end of the semester was coming to a close and I put this project off for far too long.

Gathering my notebook and a couple of pens, I set off for the library. _Art appreciation_, I thought with a sigh, _what was the point?_ Art was art, either you liked it, or you didn't. How was that so difficult?

Professor Abrams seemed to have it engrained in his thick skull that we were supposed to like something even if we hated it. Like Munch's _The Scream._ I hated it; thought it was the worst, and scariest, painting I'd ever seen. Abrams damn near had a heart attack when I announced that in the middle of class two weeks ago.

I breathed a sigh of relief that after this week the class would be over and I wouldn't have to suffer through another lecture about appreciating even the ugliest pieces of art.

The library parking lot was only half full and I found a spot easily. I gathered my things and entered the sanctity of the library, the scent of academia assaulted me and I instantly felt smarter. _Genius by osmosis_, I thought as I suppressed the urge to snicker.

After finding a table in a quiet corner, I spread all my things out and set to work, wandering through the stacks in search of books on art.

As I wandered the rows my mind drifted toward Embry. I wondered what he was doing and why he hadn't answered his phone. I stopped in the middle of the row and stared off into space.

_Knock it off, _I ordered myself. _You have work to do. Focus._

I turned my thoughts from one man to another. _Van Gogh, Van Gogh where are you hiding_, I thought as I searched for the book that was supposed to be right in front of me, and yet wasn't. I growled softly and went off in search of the second book on my list.

After I'd found my books, I went back to my table and dove into my work, making notes and jotting down bits and pieces of information. I'd been hard at work that I hadn't noticed the sky outside had grown dark. I sighed and glanced down at my watch. It was almost nine o'clock. My stomach growled a low grumble that seemed louder than it was in the stillness of the library.

A student aide walked by, eyeing the stack of books piled next to me on the table. "We close in ten minutes," she said, "You need to start putting your books away."

I made a face at her as she walked away and collected my books. I walked through the stacks, sliding each book into its respective slot busy mentally making study schedules. Finals were the next week, then Christmas break.

I couldn't wait. Embry and I decided to stay in Florida for Christmas. Sue was a little upset when I told her, but I promised to come home this summer, at least for a few weeks.

After the last book had been put away, I went back to my table and packed up my things, the library eerily quiet around me. Add that to the list of places that creeped me out. Basements, hotels and libraries at dark.

I quickly hurried across the dimly lit floor and exited into the parking lot, breathing a sigh of relief. The roar of cars on the boulevard was a cacophony of noise compared to the hushed library.

The still December night was chilly, a brisk breeze ruffled the leaves on a tree just outside the library entrance. I pressed my notebook closer to my chest as I hurried across the parking lot.

My phone, tucked in the right, front pocket of my jeans buzzed, vibrating against my leg. I got to my car, quickly unlocking it and throwing my books inside. I reached into my pocket and pulled the phone out, not bothering to check the caller id.

"Embry?" I said breathlessly.

On the other end, Jake laughed. "Nope, nobody named Embry here. Would you settle for a Jake?"

I laughed. "Hey, how are you?"

"I'm doing well. How are you? How's school?"

I got into the car and quickly shut the door against the chill. "I'm good, school is good. I have finals next week. Are you going home for Christmas?"

I started the car and waited for the heat to get warm.

"No, I'm gonna stay in Tallahassee. Too expensive to go home."

"Yeah I know. Embry and I are staying here too. We should try and get together during the break. Maybe we can drive out there and see you."

"That sounds good. I was trying to get a hold of Embry, but his phone kept going straight to voicemail."

I groaned. "Still?"

"What do you mean?"

"I was supposed to go down there this weekend, but I have a paper due on Monday and I really needed to do some work on it. I've been trying to call him all day, but I keep getting his voicemail."

"Maybe he's sleeping or something," Jake suggested.

I shrugged though he couldn't see me. "I'm sure he's fine."

I backed out of the parking space and pulled onto the boulevard, heading back to the apartment. I made plans with Jake to meet up with him after Christmas. The drive back home was quick. I pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car, leaving my notebooks scattered on the passenger seat.

There was a dark blue Ram parked at the end of the parking lot. My heart leapt thinking it was Embry's truck. I told myself not to get my hopes up. Who knew what he'd been up to all day? I locked the car and wearily climbed the steps and let myself in. Rosalie was sitting on the couch, her boyfriend, Emmett, was sprawled on the floor and sitting in the reclining chair opposite the couch was Embry.

My jaw dropped when I looked up and saw him sitting there. He grinned happily, his eyes sparkling mischievously.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, sliding out of my Jacket.

"I figured since you couldn't come to me, I'd come to you."

I smiled my heart swelling. This is why I loved him; he was kind and considerate and did things just to make me happy. I kissed him. "I was worried about you," I scolded. "I was trying to get a hold of you earlier and I kept getting your voicemail."

"I'm sorry. I was on my way here and I didn't want to spoil the surprise."

"It's okay. I wish I would've known you were coming, I would've been back sooner."

Embry waved me off. "Don't worry about it. Emmett and I were kicking ass at Guitar Hero before Rosalie made us turn it off so she could watch a Lifetime movie." He and Emmett groaned simultaneously about the Lifetime movie.

Rosalie was a Lifetime junkie. She was obsessed with all the movies. Our DVR contained enough movies to supply women worldwide with enough movies for four years in case Lifetime ever went bankrupt and was forced off the air.

I glanced at the TV. It was one of those Nora Robert's movies. _Northern Lights, _I think. Then again with these things you could never tell – they all looked the same when it came down to it.

I hung my coat up and crossed the room, sitting down in Embry's lap. "I still can't believe you came up here."

He pushed a strand of hair out of my face, his fingers grazing my cheek. "Whatever it takes, right?"

I closed my eyes, my head on his shoulder.

"Are you tired?"

"Mhmm," I breathed.

"Come on, we'll go to bed. Tomorrow we can go to the Museum of Contemporary Art."

"Sounds fun. Carry me?"

"If you insist." He wrapped his arm around me, lifting me as he stood. "Goodnight," we called to Rosalie and Emmett as we disappeared down the hall.

Embry set me down inside the door. "Thank you," I said.

Embry nodded and disappeared into the bathroom. I pulled my shirt off, tossing it into the hamper. I crossed the room and opened the dresser drawer pulling out an oversized tee shirt. The toilet flushed and the sink turned on in the bathroom. I pulled my pants off and tossed them into the hamper as well, then climbed into bed. My eyes closed as my head hit the pillow.

I was almost asleep when the bed sank down and Embry's arms snaked across my waist. "Sleep tight," he murmured into my ear.

* * *

The MOCA, Museum of Contemporary Art, was crowded this afternoon. Artsy types with kitschy berets perused the pieces hanging on the walls, their heads tilted in faux appreciation.

Embry walked slowly by the brilliant blue painting of a boy peering out at the masses. A cluster of thin trees jutted out of the left corner. "I don't get it," he murmured.

I stood next to him, my arm linked in his. "Well, it's a boy," I started.

Embry looked down at me. "I got _that," _he muttered.

I smiled. "I think it means something different to everyone. It just depends on what it means to you."

"Well I don't like it. Let's check out the next one."

And so it went, painting after picture, sculpture after still life we made our way through the museum. After we'd made the full circuit, Embry pushed the door open and I stepped into the brilliant afternoon. The sky was clear, punctuated by fluffy white clouds.

"Where to now?" I asked.

Embry shrugged. "Let's just walk down the river for a bit."

We walked, arm in arm, along with Saint John's. We talked about the upcoming break and our plans.

"I talked to Jake yesterday on my way home from the library, he wants to get together over the break."

"He's not going home?"

I shook my head no. "He's staying in Tallahassee. I figured we could go out there for New Year's, or he could come here. Whatever you guys want to do."

"I'll call him later today and set something up."

We walked a little farther, then turned around heading back toward the Landing in silence. I reflected on the choices that led me to this point. I loved Embry to death, but I hated feeling only half-alive. Half the time I walked around a shell of my former self, barely here and completely unaware of the world around me. I spent five days looking forward to two.

I needed to find a hobby.

I glanced up at Embry who had the same pensive look on his face. "They're holding auditions for the spring show after break is over. Do you think I should audition?"

Embry shrugged. "If that's what you want to do. What's the show?"

"Rent."

"The show is called Rent?"

"Mhmm, it's a musical about this group of friends in the early 90's and the struggles that they go through over the course of a year or so. It's really great."

"Sounds fun, you should do it."

* * *

We went out that night, to the movies and dinner afterward, with Rosalie and Emmett. Embry left early the next morning and I was alone again.

Christmas break came and went. We went to Tallahassee to see Jake, went to a New Years Eve party, bought curtains to block the light and spent the two days after New Year's Eve in bed watching old black and white movies. It was my version of heaven.

And then it ended. It always ended, always too soon.

Spring arrived in its typical Florida fashion, warm days and cool nights. Trees bloomed, their pale sticks sprouting buds and leaves seemingly overnight. The city smelt new again. On the weekends, the voices of kids shouting in the street could be heard as they played basketball or street hockey. We were able to open the windows allowing the fresh breeze in.

Everything seemed to be looking up. The auditions for the spring play came. I tried out but didn't make it because I couldn't sing, like, at all. I volunteered to help build sets and spent the beginning part of the spring painting sets. I got extra credit in my art class for doing so, which was always an added bonus.

Embry and Jake both came to Jacksonville for the show, even though I wasn't in it. The sets looked amazing, and I took pride in the fact that I had a hand in creating them.

We went to a pub down the road after the show for a late dinner. Tommy's was a little hole in the wall, the kind of place you have to be told about to know it's there, a local secret. Embry pushed the door open and called hello to Tommy, the owner.

The three of us sat down at the end of the bar. Tommy shuffled to our end of the bar and set three sodas in front of us and smiled. "The usual?" he asked.

Embry and I nodded.

"What's the usual?" Jake asked, confused.

"Burger and fries," I replied.

"Then I'll have the usual too," he told Tommy.

"Vinnie, I need three burgers, extra pickles on one, bacon on another and a regular burger and three fries."

Behind the grill, Vinnie grunted, muttering under his breath.

Tommy turned back to us. "How's the show?" he asked as he poured the man two stools over a shot of whiskey.

"It was good," I gushed. "Really fantastic."

"Bella helped with the sets," Embry said proudly.

"Bella, you're going to have to draw me up a picture or something fancy like that. I got a blank space on the wall over there and it's dying to have something hung on it."

I smiled at Tommy. He reminded me of Santa Claus; he had an overly round stomach and a hearty laugh. His blue eyes twinkled mischievously, like he had a secret he was dying to tell.

"I'll see what I can do, Tommy, but no promises."

"Alrighty then. You see what you can do." He winked and moved toward the opposite end of the bar.

"So Jake," I said turning to face him. "Are you and Leah still dating?"

He swallowed the peanuts he'd been chewing. To my left, Embry stifled a laugh. "No," he said. "She broke up with me."

I swallowed my laughter and put on a sympathetic face. "What happened?"

"She said she couldn't handle me being so far. Rachel said she's dating the captain of the basketball team now."

"Aw, I'm sorry," I said.

He shrugged. "Ain't no thing I was gonna break up with her anyway."

"Yeah, Chrissy Anderson is dying to get her claws in Jake."

I looked at Embry, confused. "Who's Chrissy Anderson?"

"Cheerleader extraordinaire. The girl can move her body in ways I never thought possible."

"Ew," I said, wrinkling my nose.

"No, she's…wow," Jake said dreamily.

"Dude," I said looking at the two of them. "I don't even want to freaking know."

Jake and Embry exchanged grins. Apparently Embry was in on the whole Chrissy Anderson and her extraordinary body movements. Bitter jealousy crept its way up my throat.

Tommy saved us at that moment, he swooped a red basket in front of me with a smile. "Burger extra pickles."

"Thanks Tommy."

He gave the guys their burgers and re-filled my soda. "Enjoy your burgers," he said and hustled back toward the other end of the bar to break up a fight about the station on the TV in the corner.

Jake and Embry continued their conversation about Chrissy Anderson. I felt sick the entire time, forcing myself to eat my dinner. I tried to block out the conversation but I kept catching phrases that made me want to hurl.

I finished my burger and sat there waiting for Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum to finish, the whole time anger and jealousy were bubbling away in my stomach.

When we got back to my apartment I disappeared into the bedroom, slamming the door in Embry's face. I went into the bathroom, slammed and locked the door.

He came in and knocked softly on the bathroom door. "Bells?" he called, trying the door. "Bella what's wrong?"

I ignored him and turned on the shower. The door knob jiggled and he called to me from the other side of the door.

I furiously scrubbed my hair and rinsed, letting the water rush over my head blocking out all the other noises. I felt stupid, being jealous of a girl that I didn't even know. And I had no idea why I was jealous. I felt a little inadequate in the sex department, maybe because I couldn't move my body in ways Embry never thought possible.

I finished rinsing my hair and shut off the water, reaching out to grab my towel off the hook, I wrapped it around me and unlocked the door.

Embry was lying in bed when I walked into the bedroom. He set the magazine he was reading down and glanced up at me. "Did I do something wrong?" he asked.

I turned my back to him and opened the dresser, pulling out an oversized tee shirt. "I don't want to talk about it," I told him as I climbed into bed.

"Bella-"

"Good night Embry," I said and rolled over.

He sighed and picked up his magazine, turning the page. I closed my eyes, forcing the tears away. They spilled out between my closed lashes, dripping onto the pillow.

Embry set the magazine down, it hit the side table with a papery thud and the light clicked off. I lay still so he wouldn't know I was crying. Embry rolled over and ran his fingers across my face.

"Bella, why are you crying sweetheart?"

"It's not important," I sniffed.

"Obviously it is if you're crying about it."

"It's that stupid comment about the cheerleader. I can't do those things and I-"

"You're so silly," he said pulling me towards him.

I rolled over and buried my face in his chest. "I'm not silly, you guys were all goo goo over her."

"Jake was goo goo, not me. I personally think she looks like a horse. So whether she can do extraordinary things or not, I don't really care. I love you. You are the only one I need, not some random cheerleader."

I felt better, but a little like an ass too. "Sorry I slammed the door in your face."

"It's okay. Go to sleep, it'll be okay in the morning."

**Reviews are better than surprise visits from you boyfriend.**

"Only You" - Cartel


	5. Dusk and Summer

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer**

**This is gonna be the last update before the new year. I hope you guys all have a great (and safe) Christmas and New Year, stay safe and have fun! Thanks to my beta ShelbySue, she is the best. Happy Holidays!**

**BPOV**

Spring melted into summer. That's the thing about living here, there's no definition to the seasons. They just kind of sneak up on you and before you know it, its summer again and the heat is breathing down your neck making life unbearable.

The end of my freshman year arrived in parties and finals. I passed all my classes with flying colors and was now packing my things and going home a month. Embry and I were flying back to Forks early tomorrow morning and I couldn't be more excited.

I missed Seth, my half brother, and my parents something fierce. I even missed Leah. Out in the living room Rosalie had the radio turned up and was singing along to that nails on a chalkboard Miley Cyrus as I threw some shirts into my suitcase.

The radio turned down and the murmur of voices came down the hallway and Embry stepped into my room. "Hey Babe," he said kissing my cheek.

I dropped the jeans I held into the suitcase and jumped on him. "Hi," I smiled wrapping my legs around his waist.

"Do you have all your stuff packed?"

I leaned back, looking down at him. "Almost. Where's your stuff?"

"In the truck. How were finals?"

I frowned. "How do you think they were?"

He grinned. "Yeah you got a point."

While he helped me finish packing, Rosalie ordered a pizza. After the last pair of shorts had been stuffed into my suitcase we crashed in the living room with a large pizza and lame action flick.

Rosalie was curled up next to me, her head on my shoulder. Neither of us was really paying attention to the movie. "So you'll be gone for what, a month?"

"Mhmm. Football practice starts the second week of July and Embry has to be back for that, so we'll be back then. Will you be okay here by yourself?"

She snorted softly. "Of course I will. I'm used to being alone, look at my parents."

She had a point. Rosalie had grown up with a silver spoon shoved down her throat. Her father was some big wig company CEO or something like that, and her mother was confused, thinking she was one of those Real Housewives types.

"Okay, well if you need anything, just call me."

"I will." She laid her head back on my shoulder and sighed.

I suppressed a grin. "This movie is pretty bad, huh?"

Rosalie giggled. "Yeah. What the hell is it anyway?"

"I dunno. I think it's called _Enter the Dragon_. Ask Embry, it's his."

She rolled her eyes. "Silly boys and their silly kung fu movies. La-ame!"

"I can hear you guys," Embry said from his seat on the floor.

I leaned forward and ruffled his hair. "Oh, sorry. Forgot you were there."

"Jeez thanks. I feel so loved."

I gaped at him innocently. "Aw, babe you should. You should feel so loved."

* * *

We flew home early the next morning. Like ass crack of dawn and I could kick me some terrorist booty because I have to be here so damn early, early.

The flight was quiet and uneventful. Embry and I played six games of tic tac toe, he gave up after losing six straight games. The sun was shining when we landed in Forks. Our families were waiting in the terminal when we got off the plane.

Above her head, Sue was holding a banner that screamed "Welcome Home" in neon colors. I grimaced as Embry chuckled.

"Think she's happy to see you?" he said under his breath as we approached them.

"Shut up," I retorted, elbowing him in the ribs. "Sue's awesome. You're just jealous you don't have a gnarly welcome home banner."

"Hi! Welcome home!" Sue exclaimed, hugging me.

I hugged her back, happy to be home again. She let me go. I stepped back, amazed at how much everyone, well Seth and Leah, had changed. Seth had grown ridiculously taller. He towered over Leah, Sue and I and looked like he would soon be taller than Charlie. Leah looked like she lost forty pounds, she was outrageously thin, but in a good way. Charlie and Sue looked the same. I turned to Charlie and hugged him. "Hi Dad," I said.

"My little girl home from her first year of college," he said, his eyes misting over.

"One of them at least."

Leah flashed me an appreciative smile. There was a time when we were bitter rivals and she did anything and everything she could to make my life a living nightmare all because she was afraid I was going to take Charlie away from her. We came to an understanding and eventually became something akin to friends.

"Oh my goodness, look at you, you look so mature," Sue gushed as she hugged me again. "How's school? Is it fun, do you have a lot of friends?"

I laughed. Sue hadn't changed at all, she was her usual bubbly self. "School is good, it's okay and I have a few friends, but not many."

Seth walked up beside me and gazed down at me. "Zee!" he squeaked. I smiled at the sentiment. He was the only one who was allowed to call me Zee. It was something he started the day I moved to Forks. I didn't like being called Isabella and he didn't like Bella so he asked if he could call me Zee. I agreed and he'd been doing it ever since.

"I am so glad you're home. I've missed you so much. Why did you have to choose a school so far away?" he whined.

"I'm sorry little- well not so little brother, I'm home now." I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't tell him that I left him to be closer to Embry. I mean he had to know that, but I felt bad saying it out loud.

"It's okay. Mom says you had to go far to get a good education. It's all good."

I smiled gratefully at Sue. At least she got it. I turned to Leah, admiring her new physique. "Wow, would you look at you! You look amazing!"

She blushed. "Thanks. I joined the soccer team in the fall, and lost twenty five pounds. Awesome right?"

I nodded. "For sure. You really do look great. Ooh did you watch that movie I told you about?"

Leah nodded vehemently. "Yeah, you were so wrong. I told you it was the Mayor and not the chief of police."

"What can I say," I said with a shrug. "I'm bound to be wrong sometime."

Off to the left, Embry and his mom were hugging. She was crying and mumbling something about being proud of him. He kept rubbing her back and telling her to calm down. He never said it, but I think he felt bad for going off to college and leaving her here alone.

"We need to get our stuff," I said, looking around.

"Oh, yeah, well let's go take care of that." Charlie walked off toward the baggage carousel. The rest of us followed, watching as everybody else's luggage drifted by. More luggage came down the conveyor. I saw my polka dotted suitcase coming towards us. Charlie grabbed it before I had the chance to.

"How many books in this one," he joked.

When I first moved to Forks I didn't pack clothes, I packed books. All of the classics, Great Expectations, The Picture of Dorian Grey, Beowulf, things like that. Charlie thought it was clothes or, what was the term he used, frou-frou girly products? He'd been sorely mistaken. Back then I definitely wasn't what you'd call a girly girl.

The drive back home wasn't nearly as long as I remembered it being that first trip here. I was such a different person back then, so angry and upset with the world. It felt good to finally be free of those emotional chains – for the most part. I still carried a small sliver of grief with me. You couldn't go through something like I did, the loss of both your parents and everything you knew, and not keep a small piece of it. It was a constant reminded to live life to the fullest because you never know when your time here on earth is done.

Charlie pulled the minivan into the driveway of the brick house that looked the same today as it did two years ago. Love and joy filled me, I'd been away too long.

* * *

The first week home was spent lounging on the couch and watching movies with Embry, Leah, and Seth.

The second week the three of us, me, Embry, and Jake who'd come home for the summer were roped into putting up a pool in the backyard. It was kind of pointless – it never got hot enough here to need a pool, but Charlie justified it by saying he wanted to have it in case he wanted to go for a swim after work.

It turned out to be a good thing, the pool I mean. By the time the third week of our summer vacation arrived, relaxation had set in. My body loosened, my cares fell away, and I could feel the stress of the last year melt away. It didn't last too long. Soon we'd have to pack up and head back to Florida.

One afternoon the week before we were leaving I was helping Sue make potato salad. Charlie's birthday was today and we were having a barbeque to celebrate. I was sitting at the island cutting potatoes when Sue looked at me and said, "This year has been really hard for you hasn't it?"

I nodded, sliding the knife through the hard potato. The metal blade hit the cutting board in a soothing _clunk, clunk, clunk_. I didn't know what to say. Did I tell her that I hated college and wanted to drop out, move to Gainesville and be Embry's hanger on? Alas, I couldn't say anything like that. I finished slicing the potato and moved onto the next one.

Sue turned the water on, rinsing the stalks of celery before handing them to me. "I wish I knew what to say," she said as she sat down across from me. "It's a tough situation but you're a tough girl. You can handle it."

I set the knife down on the cutting board. I was sick of hearing that, sick of people telling me I could handle it. I glanced up at Sue. "Maybe I don't _want_ to handle it," I muttered looking down at the cutting board. I raged on, letting all my frustration out. "I'm sick of always handling stuff. I'm tired of it. Why can't my life, for once, just be easy, the way it's supposed to be?"

"Honey this isn't a high school musical video. Life isn't easy; you of all people should know that. But you take what you're given and somehow you make it work. You take these damn lemons and either shove them in your bra or make lemonade. Crying and whining and moaning about how unfair life is isn't going to do you a damn bit of good."

I gaped at her. Sue didn't curse, ever. And she didn't say stuff like shove a lemon in your bra. I snorted at the image of lemons in bra. Implants but cheaper. Probably safer too.

"You and Embry are doing fine. In a few years you're going to look back at this time and laugh. And trust me, later in life there are going to be things that are a lot harder to handle than what you're going through now and this is going to help. They don't say absence makes the heart grow fonder for nothing."

"But-"

"There are no buts, sweetheart." Sue smiled and placed her hand on my arm. She looked into my eyes. "Do or do not."

"I thought that was try," I said.

"Try, buts, it's all the same in the long run."

I laughed. I couldn't help it. Only Sue could take and successfully twist Yoda.

"Now hurry up with those potatoes."

"Aye, aye captain."

I finished up with the last of the potatoes and handed the pot to Sue who set them on the stove to boil. Seth kicked the back door open, his face red from exertion. He loped to the fridge and pulled it open, standing in front of it allowing the cold air to wash over him.

"Seth, either get something to drink or close the fridge. You're wasting electricity."

Seth rolled his eyes and grabbed a bottle of electric blue Gatorade. He twisted the top off and sat down next to me. "Your boyfriend is an ass," he said.

"Why, what'd he do?"

"He's just an ass. Jake too. They ran me ragged, tossing that football around. Let me tell you what, Embry can run like nobody's business." He lifted the bottle to his lips and took a long swallow.

"Um, Seth. He can run because he's the _running back_ on the _football team. _It's his job to run the ball into the end zone. You know, score touchdowns, stuff like that. Did you know they invented Gatorade at UF, where Embry goes to school?"

Seth pulled the bottle away from his lips and looked at it. "No shit?"

Sue whipped around. "Watch your mouth," she warned, shaking a wooden spoon at him. "Don't think you're too old for me to wash your mouth out with soap."

"Sorry," he muttered.

"Yeah they invented Gatorade back in like the 70's. They call it Gatorade because of the Florida gators. Kinda cool huh?"

"Is that what they're teaching you in school?" Leah snickered from the doorway.

"Yeah, awesome isn't it? And where are you going to school again?"

"I'm staying here," she said, sashaying into the kitchen.

"Ooh. Are you going to school?"

"Actually, WPS camp starts next month. I signed up for that."

"WPS?"

"Women's Professional Soccer camp. It's like a stepping stone onto a pro team."

I nodded. "That's pretty cool. I had no idea you were _that_ into soccer. I hope it works out for you."

Leah got a bottle of water out of the fridge and thanked me as she waltzed out of the kitchen.

"You and dad are gonna let her play soccer?" I asked.

Sue nodded. "It's what she wants to do. We support you kids no matter what, you know that. You wanted to go to college, Leah wants to play soccer and if Seth wanted to dye his hair blue and live in the woods like a smurf, well I admit it might be a little strange but as long as he's not hurting anyone and it makes him happy then we're happy."

* * *

Our last week in Forks passed quietly and soon we were back in Florida. Summer was in full swing. The heat and humidity pressed down on the city making it almost unbearable. You stepped outside and wilted, I walked around in one of Embry's old shirts and a pair of boy shorts, the a/c turned down as low as it could possibly go and it was still hot.

Embry lost ten pounds the first week of summer camp. The following week he gained the ten pounds back – in muscle.

I drove down to Gainesville the last week of July to see him. Two of his friends, Dean and Sam, had rented a house and were letting him crash there until school started. Embry was asleep in his room, MTV Cribs blared on the television, when I walked in. I shut the TV off and crossed the room sidestepping piles of clothes and empty pizza boxes.

Embry grunted as I sat down on the edge of the bed. He opened one eye and glared at me. "Hey handsome," I said as I sat down.

He mumbled something and threw his head back into the pillow. I caught the words band, football practice, and exhausted.

"Huh?"

He picked his head up. "I'm exhausted. Football practice is crazy, it's ridiculously hot and I want to sleep for a week."

He threw himself back on to the pillow and closed his eyes. "Oh," he said opening his eyes again, "I joined Dean and Sam's band."

"A band?" _This should be good, _I thought sarcastically.

"Mhmm. Dean writes some pretty good songs and their guitarist just quit. I offered to stand in him for a while and they asked me to be in the band so I said yes."

"Oh, that sounds cool." Not really, but whatever. Lie and make him feel good even if I was dying inside.

"Our first show is tonight at the Spangler. You'll come?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world." I kissed his forehead and lay down next to him, picking up the Dan Brown novel that was sitting on the bedside table. I opened it and started reading.

Embry woke up at dusk. He rolled over and looked at me like he was surprised to see me sitting next to him. "Hey babe, when did you get here?"

I set the book down. "Em, I've been here since earlier this afternoon. You told me you joined a band, remember?"

I really hoped that was just a bad dream. I really, really hoped he was going to look at me and ask me what the hell I was talking about.

"Oh yeah!" he said rubbing his eyes. "We have a show tonight, you wanna come?"

I smiled at him. "Sounds great."

* * *

Of course I went to the show. What kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't? They – Dean, Sam and Embry, weren't that bad. Actually they were pretty good and I had a good time. Embry sang a song he wrote for me back in high school. All in all it was a good show. Good. God I hated that word, it was so fake and placating.

I stayed in Gainesville for the weekend then headed back to Jacksonville Monday morning. And that's how the summer went, a weekend here, a weekend there, a trip to this bar in Orlando to hear the band, a trek to Tallahassee to see Jake. By the time school started the second week of August I was exhausted from all the travelling.

Sophomore year started. New classes, new students, new professors – same old story.

When nothing changes, nothing stays the same.

**Reviews are better than going home for the summer!**

"**Dusk and Summer" – dashboard confessional**


	6. Brave New World

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer**

**Well happy new year..hope everyone had a good one. Sorry that its been so long between updates...its been nuts these last few weeks. So anyways, I'll shut up and let you read. As always, thank you to my beta, ShelbySue for checking this over for me.  
**

**BPOV**

October came and brought with it the crisp chill of autumn. By Halloween the trees had lost their leaves, the warm air fled further south – the temperature barely made it into the 60's and the nights were frigid. They were the kind of nights best spent curled up on the couch with a warm blanket, a bowl of soup and a sappy chick flick, _Shakespeare in Love_ for example.

I hadn't seen Embry since my birthday, almost three weeks ago. It was understandable, or at least I pretended it was. I knew we were both really busy and it was hard to keep going back and forth each weekend.

This year, I decided over summer break I was going to be more involved in the theater, and when the opportunity arose, I threw myself into it with reckless abandon. It took up a lot of my time and I was grateful for that fact. It made the time pass faster than it would have if I were sitting at home with Rosalie watching Lifetime movies.

When the Gators season started, the first string offensive running back broke his ankle and Embry was moved to first string.

First string, on the Gators equaled this sort of quasi-celebrity status in the community. Waitresses in diners would fawn over him, kids would ask for his autograph. Add to that the success of his band; his ego was starting to grow a little to inflated for my tastes. I still loved him, but part of me didn't like the person he was turning in to. In the end, though, I figured it came with the territory and I'd just have to learn to deal with it.

Glancing at the clock I picked up my keys and quickly headed to my car. Butterflies anxiously beat at my stomach as I drove the two short miles to the theater. It was opening night and the curtain on The Glass Menagerie would be going up in less than two hours. I felt sick and anxious and excited all at the same time.

The lot was empty as I turned in, headlights slicing through the dusk. I threw the car into park and hurried toward the hulking building.

I wondered, as I pulled the stage door open, if Jake and Embry were going to come. They were supposed to be here, but I hadn't heard from either of them all day.

Logan McKinley, a guy from my 18th century art class, smiled at me as he walked past me and into his dressing room. I smiled back and continued my journey down the overly warm hallway toward the dressing room I shared with Grayson Montgomery.

Norah Jones was playing when I pushed the door open. Grayson was sitting at her table to the left. She looked and smiled when I came in.

"Hi," I said as I set my bag down on the table opposite hers.

"Hi," she said with a nod, then turned back to her bag. The tiny pots and tubes clinked together as she rooted through the makeup case. I sat down and flicked on my lights watching as my reflection appeared in the mirror.

I gazed at myself in the mirror, slowly taking in the sallow color of my skin, the puffy purplish bags under my eyes. I looked like shit on a stick. Pulling a narrow green tube of concealer out of my bag, I set about making myself presentable for the stage.

Not long after I finished with my makeup there was a knock at the door. I hung my costume back on the rack.

"Come in," Grayson sniffed. She ran a finger along her lower lip haughtily, wiping at an imaginary smudge in her lipstick.

I turned to the door as it swung open; a frizzy red head peered around it and said, "Rob wants everyone on stage in five minutes."

I crossed the room and followed Grayson into the hallway. There was a flutter of activity on the stage as we crossed it. Rob, the director, stood in the center of the stage as his minions moved set pieces into place.

He looked at the four of us, Grayson, Logan, Oliver and me as we situated ourselves before him but out of the way of the stage hands.

Rob cleared his throat and began his pep talk, the same one he gave before every show. I tuned him out, I heard it before and quite frankly it did little to pep me up. After he finished, he dismissed us and I quickly left the stage.

Back in my dressing room, I quickly changed, battling the anxious knots twisting my stomach into the world's most intricate pretzel. "Come in," I called, my voice shaky.

The door squeaked open and Embry stepped inside. "Hey Babe," he said, crossing the dressing room.

I jumped out of my seat and hugged him. "You made it!"

"Of course I did," he said smiling. "I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Are you nervous?"

I nodded clutching my stomach. "I feel like I'm gonna be sick," I admitted.

He rubbed my back. "You'll be fine. Just wait and see."

Boy was he wrong. I stuttered through half my lines, and forget the other half. The next night was worse.

Jake missed the first show, but came for the second.

He met me out in front of the theater when it was over and grimaced when I asked how I was. He smiled down at me and said honestly, "do you want the truth or do you want me to lie?"

I swallowed my pride, and in a small voice said, "The truth."

"Well then, you sucked," he beamed at me. "But it's all good. Now let's go get something to eat."

* * *

The rest of sophomore year passed in intermittent visits and conversations with voicemails. Things with Embry were…strained to say the least.

Between the band and all the football games I barely saw him and when I did we were at each other's throats like cats and dogs.

I would go to Gainesville and he was always tired, always wanted to sleep. And when he wasn't sleeping he was complaining. He complained about school, about football, about the band and how it was all too much to handle. That he was too tired.

When I suggested he quit the band, he freaked out and accused me of not being supportive. I argued that he really couldn't quit football or school, so that left the band, which he could quit if he wanted to.

That fight ended with me leaving the two of us barely speaking. A few more weeks passed, he didn't come to see me, nor I him, because the band had gigs in Ocala and Orlando. One weekend they played a gig in Miami. Embry didn't ask me to come, in fact, he didn't even tell me about the gig. Jake did.

The New Year started just as strained as ever. It was the band, always the band. Football I could handle, that was the reason he was even in Florida in the first place, but the band. God I could just about rip my hair out. He didn't have time for me, but he had time to drive all over Florida playing gigs here, there and everywhere so I vented to the only person I thought would get it – Jake.

Well at least I thought he'd get it, but he didn't.

"What do you want me to say Bells?"

I sighed. "I don't know Jake. Tell me he's wrong or that he's being a butthead, just don't freaking tell me that I'm overreacting or I swear to god I will climb through the phone and strangle you."

"Look. Football is important to Embry, it always has been, always will be. And well, you know he loves music. Look at that ratty ass guitar he used to play back in high school. It was a six string that had three and he still managed to make it work."

"And that's all fine and dandy, but think about what you just said and the key element you left out of the list of things important to Embry. Me. Where do I fit into the equation?"

Jake sighed. "I don't know Bells, honestly I don't. Maybe he's just going through the same thing you are. You guys are just trying to figure out who you are and what your place in the world is. I will say this though, you guys need to quit bitching to me and bitch to each other."

"He's bitching to you about me?"

"Of course he is. You know that. We're all friends. Would you rather he bitches to Dean or Sam?"

"Well, no, but still."

"If it's any consolation I told him the same things I'm telling you. You two need to work this out on your own," Jake said.

The next time I saw Embry I didn't say anything about my conversation with Jake and neither did Embry; say anything about his conversations with Jake.

We were lying in bed when I broached the subject of the band. He gazed down at me, the corners of his eyes tightened and I immediately knew I struck a nerve.

"What do you want me to do, quit the band?" he said evenly.

"No," I said trying desperately to control my voice. "All I'm saying is that I hardly ever see you."

"Yeah well that's not the bands fault," Embry snarled

"Really Em? Anytime I ask you to come up for the weekend it's always, "oh, oh, oh, the band has a gig or I have rehearsal with the band." It's ridiculous. So I come to see you and all you want to do is sleep. Don't you think you're spreading yourself a little thin?"

Anger flashed in his hazel eyes. "No Bella," he sneered. "I don't think I'm "spreading myself a little thin," he said his teeth gritted, his fingers making air parenthesis.

"Of course not," I muttered.

"Oh, fucking Christ, here we go again," he groaned.

"Whatever Embry. I'm not going to fight with you about this."

"Sure you are Bella; you always gotta pick a fight about something. If it's not football, it's the band. Or the other way around."

I rolled my eyes. "And we see where I'm factored into that equation," I muttered.

"Oh and what's _that_ supposed to mean?" Embry sneered as he threw the blankets back and climbed out of bed.

I sat up and pointedly stared at him. "It means what it means, Embry. It means that I feel like being put on the back burner. No, actually you don't even care enough to keep a spot open for me in your too busy all important existence. It means that you do whatever you want, you don't even think about me. You run off and do whatever it is your doing when you're in Miami, or Ocala, or Orlando. Whatever it is your doing when I can't come."

He stared at me, his mouth hanging open. "You think I'm cheating you?"

I shrugged, trying to act like I didn't care, struggling to maintain the façade when all I really wanted to do was throttle him. "What am I supposed to think? My god, you had a show in Miami and I had to find out about it from Jake! Jake, Embry, he's the one who asked me how the show in Miami went. Imagine how I felt when I had to tell him I had no idea what he was talking about. So now that that's out there, how _was_ the show in Miami? Did you meet some nice little Miami skank and have a good time?"

Embry rolled his eyes and snorted. "Yeah Bella, I met this hot little Latina girl who followed us back to the hotel and let me tell you." he stopped pacing, a cruel smile twisted his lips. "She fucked me so damn good-"

I flew off the bed across the room to where he stood, my hand rushed forward and landed on his cheek, the loud smack hung in the air. I pulled my hand back and stared at him, my heart felt like it'd been ripped into a million little pieces. "Get out," I whispered.

"Bella, I-"

"Get out," I repeated, tears filling my eyes. He made a move toward me; I shrank away from his touch.

"Bella, come on."

"Get out!" I screamed at him. "Get out, out of my room, out of my house, out of my life. I hate you! I fucking hate you! Get out now!"

Embry grabbed his pants, pulled them on, then grabbed his shirt from where it hung over the back of a chair in the corner. He pulled it on as he made his way to the door. When he got there, he stopped and stared at me.

"You seem to think you have it so hard." He ran his hand through his hair before continuing. "You should try being me." He stared at me, letting his words hang in the air between us. I stood there shivering in my thin night gown not really caring about anything he had to say.

"You have it so easy, living here in your nice little apartment with no worries, nothing to worry about except your pathetic little art degree. You have no worries, no concerns – not like me. I have to worry about keeping my grades up and playing well enough so that, maybe, when the time comes, I can catch the attention of a decent scout and hopefully go pro. I have to worry about my mom who's all alone back home and I have to worry about you and all your bullshit. So yeah, poor you. Whatever Bella. The world doesn't revolve around you. Call me when you climb down off your high horse."

And with that he disappeared down the hall. The front door opened the slammed shut. I stood in my room, totally alone. I didn't know what to do.

Should I chase after him?

Sever all ties now and let him go?

Did he really sleep with that girl in Miami?

That thought caused me physical pain. I doubled over, clutching my stomach. Pain gave way to anger, and the thought of him having some random one night stand pissed me off beyond belief.

His last words echoed in my head. _You have it so easy…nothing to worry about except your pathetic little art degree…So yeah, poor you. _

Did he really think my life was easy? That I had nothing to worry about? And my degree was not pathetic. Who did he think he was to say so?

I climbed back into bed and stayed there for the rest of the weekend. My phone rang a few times; I ignored it, letting it go to voicemail.

On Monday, I skipped class. I thought about going Tuesday, but it was easier to stay in bed. On Wednesday I went, but it was a waste of time. I didn't hear a single word of a single lecture.

On Thursday Logan McKinley sat down next to me before class started. "Hey," he said pulling his notebook out of his backpack.

"Hi," I mumbled and continued drawing little broken hearts in the margin of my notebook paper.

"Do you want to meet up at the library this weekend? A bunch of us are getting together to study for the test next week."

I shrugged. I guessed I could meet him, it wasn't like my boyfriend was coming to see me and I sure as hell wasn't going to see him. "I'm not sure what my plans are this weekend," I admitted truthfully. "But if I'm free, I'll stop by okay?"

Logan nodded and turned his attention to the front of the class. I tuned out the professor and resumed drawing my shattered hearts. By the end of class I had this odd little collage of broken hearts. I hung it on the fridge when I got home.

On Friday I skipped classes again, deciding that an early start to the weekend was in order. I sat at home alone and drank until I passed out on the couch. I didn't wake up until the next afternoon, when a loud knock pulled me out of unconsciousness. I lay on the couch hoping whoever it was would go away.

They didn't and knocked again, with more force this time. I rolled off the couch and angrily trudged to the door. It was either going to be holy rollers or Embry and I didn't want to see either.

I was pleasantly surprised, however, when I opened the door and saw Jake standing there.

"Hi!" I shouted my funky mood lifting.

"Hey," he said, "thought you might need a friend."

I frowned, "guess you talked to Embry, huh?"

He nodded, "You gonna let me in or do I gotta stand out here all day?"

"Oh sorry come in. What did that bastard have to say about me now?"

Jake sighed. "I wish you two would stop dragging me into the middle of your shit. I don't like it."

"Hey I didn't drag you into it. I haven't said anything to anyone. Embry's the sissy who screwed some random chick and then came crying to you when I called him out on it." I marched to the couch and sat down, drawing my knees to my chest.

"Bells, come on, you know he didn't cheat on you." Jake sat down beside me and put his arm around my shoulders.

"Jake, he's the one who said she fucked him so good."

"Only because he was trying to piss you off, dummy."

_Yeah well he did a damn good job of it_, I thought. Men, what was wrong with them? Was their wiring faulty? Should I check the consumer reports to see if mine had been recalled?

"Look, Bella. He knows he messed up, why do you think I'm here?"

I snorted, "What are you, his pimp? He sends you to come here and smooth things over?"

"No, he just knew you'd let me in, maybe even listen to me," Jake said.

I rolled my eyes. "Well I'm not crawling back and begging him to forgive me. He called my degree pathetic, Jake. _Pathetic_. I'd like to see him try and swing this. Please. And he said I was on a high horse and that my life is easy. I go to every football game; sit in stadiums ninety percent of the time freezing, or sweating, my ass off. I go to all the dive bars his band plays in, and I never complain about it."

Jake didn't say a word, he sat there listening as I bitched. When I exhausted my supply of complaints he smiled at me. "Finished?"

"Shut up," I retorted with a smile.

"Okay, look. I know it's not any of my business and if I'm crossing a line say so. But you two need to figure out what you're doing. Either make up or break up."

I had this strange thought, and I have to admit, it freaked me out a little. It was as if Jake and Embry changed bodies or something.

During our junior year of high school, I dated Jake for like a month. I dated Jake and Embry was my best friend. I told him everything – well almost everything, but if there was something bothering me, it was Embry I ran to. Not much changed after he and I started dating, he was still the one I ran to when something was bugging me, but lately it was as if Jake started to take over Embry's place as my trusted confidant. I couldn't talk to Embry; he was never around anymore, but not Jake. No, Jake was always there, no matter when, no matter what.

Take today, this situation for instance. He drove almost three hours to check up on me when really all he had to do was pick up the phone and call, but he didn't. It said a hell of a lot and it rattled me to the core.

I looked at Jake. "Thank you," I said.

"For what?" he asked, confusion drew his brow together in a furrowed line.

"For being a good friend. You drove all the way out here and all. I bet you had a million other things to do today."

Jake shrugged. "Eh, what are friends for?"

What are friends for indeed, but it still shook me to the core. He stayed the night, then the next day the two of us drove down to see Embry who immediately apologized for the argument that transpired the previous weekend.

I forgave him and once again things were okay. And so it went, sophomore year ended and junior year began. I auditioned for more plays, got more parts and gained more confidence in myself. Embry was more involved with football, something about a BCS and stuff like that. I didn't get it, college football was confusing, even Phil used to say the same, and he was the pro.

The first three months of school came and went and during that time I saw Embry once. Then Christmas and the New Year came and went. I saw Jake more than I saw Embry.

Jake came to every show, whether it be an art show or a theater show, he was always there, no matter what. Embry, well, what could I say. I guess the band was much more important than me.

By the time spring break came, Embry and I were basically living our own lives, together only in the label of boyfriend and girlfriend.

When the year ended I went home, alone, and spend the entire summer in Forks. Leah was away at soccer camp and Seth, who was finally taller than Charlie, was away at basketball camp.

My time at home was a nice respite from the craziness that was life, and I think Sue thoroughly enjoyed having someone to take care of. I think she was going through that empty nest thing parents go through when all their kids are out of the house.

By the time august came part of me wanted to stay in Forks, just leave UNF and transfer to a school closer to home, my real home. But then common sense got the better of me, gently reminding me that this was real life now and you couldn't just run away from your problems – not matter how badly you wanted to. With my mind made up, and determination coursing through me, I returned to the land of sand and sun ready to start my final year of college.

**Reviews are better than making it through another year in one piece!**

**Brave New World - Hedley**


	7. 9 Crimes

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer**

**Alrighty folks...first let me say how much I love the faithful followers who still read my junk even when its not totally Jake and Bella..that means a lot to me and I really appreciate it..now onto the good stuff...Embry is just being a dick (if I'm being blunt)...he's become one of those guys who wants it all and when he gets it he can't handle it...anywhoo...my beta, ShelbySue rocks..and now onto the chapters...  
**

**BPOV**

I sat on the aluminum bleachers one hand held up to shield my eyes from the glaring August sun that beat down on my bare shoulders, the other behind me, propping me up.

Down on the football field, the offensive coach blew his whistle. The shrill sound echoed across the open field and I watched as Embry stopped, mid-stride, and walked back toward Coach Walker.

I sighed and pulled my vibrating phone out of my shorts pocket. The buzzing stopped as I flicked it open.

**Where r u?**

**Gainesville** I wrote in response and sent the message. I flipped it shut and turned my attention back to practice while waiting for her to respond. A few seconds later my phone rang. "Save me," I moaned, squinting against the sun.

"From what?"

It was Jake, and not Rosalie like I'd thought. "From roasting alive while Embry gets yelled at for who knows what."

"What are you talking about? Where are you?" Jake asked.

"Watching football practice," I replied.

"Um, why?"

"That's a great question," I snorted. "Maybe when it's over I can get an answer."

"You sound unhappy," Jake said.

"Wow you don't miss a thing," I retorted sarcastically then, "I'm sorry. It's not your fault."

"What's wrong Bells?"

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. "Everything Jake, everything is wrong. I went home for the summer, spent three months thinking that maybe it would wake Embry up, but no, everything is still the same. He asked me to come down today, said we'd go to the botanical gardens so I could get some pictures for this class I'm taking."

"Okay," he said.

"So I drive all the way down here and when I pull up, Embry's walking out the door in a pair of sports shorts, helmet in tow, telling me he has to go to the stadium for an unscheduled, mandatory practice."

"Okay, so why did you stay? Why didn't you just go to the gardens by yourself?"

"Because," I said exasperatedly, "Embry said practice would only be an hour or so. It wouldn't have killed me to sit here for an hour."

"How long have you been there?" he asked.

"Going on four hours. I'm so over this shit."

"Well, he should have known that it was gonna be longer than an hour," Jake said.

"See," I yelled. "You get it. What's his problem?"

"I don't _really_ get it," Jake said diplomatically. "I wish I knew what to say."

"There's nothing to say. I'm the jack ass still sitting here, so…you know."

"Yeah, I know. The things we do for love," he said a bit wistfully.

I laughed and murmured my agreement. I talked to him for a little while longer, then decided it was time for me to leave. Practice didn't look like it was ending anytime soon. I grabbed my cell phone and stood up, carefully picking my way down the bleachers.

I went back to Embry's house, well technically it was Dean and Sam's house - they asked Embry to move in, so he did- and left a note telling him that I was going back home. Then I got in my car and did exactly that.

Embry didn't call that night. Not that I expected him to. The two of us were living our own lives, had been for a while now, and no matter what I did, nothing seemed to pull us back together. The whole, whatever it takes, bullshit sort of went right out the window.

I really didn't know what to do. I felt like one of those dumb bunny swimmers – first time to the ocean and they get themselves caught up in a riptide and fight like hell to make it back to shore, but the only thing they succeed in doing is exhausting themselves and wind up drowning because they're too tired to fight anymore when all they ever had to do was just relax and let go in the first place. Eventually the tide would let you go and you could swim safely back to sure.

That's when it hit me. This whole time, the last three years, Id been struggling trying to make our relationship work when all I had to do was let go, just let go and relax Embry and I would be together when we could. Maybe that's what "whatever it takes" meant. No wonder Embry seemed so nonchalant about the whole thing.

So I let go. I didn't call him, didn't text, email, nothing. So instead of sweating the small stuff, freaking out because he didn't call me, I poured myself a glass of red wine, ran a bath and turned the radio on until I found something soothing to listen to.

I sat in the bathtub, water spilling over the edge if I breathed too deeply, a Midsummer's Night candle burning on the counter, Switchfoot on the radio and Nights in Rodanthe in my hands.

I put the book down after a few pages, unable to lose myself in the ruined love lives of others when my own was in shambles. I pushed the thought out of my head and leaned back, allowing the warm water to swirl around me as Jon Foreman sang, "If it doesn't break your heart it isn't love. If it doesn't break your heart it's not enough."

* * *

August went out with a bang. Three hurricanes, Becky, Carla, and Danielle, hit back to back dropping so much rain it flooded the city. Creeks rose, adding to the flooding. Out in Clay County, Black Creek rose to two times its normal height and put half the county underwater. Every night on the news you saw people in canoes and rowboats trying to make their way around the city. The college cancelled classes as the administration buildings as well as half a dozen lecture halls were flooded.

Jake called frequently to make sure I hadn't been swept off to sea and Embry came up for a few days, well he planned on only spending a few days, but he had to extend his trip when the flood waters rushed down my street, flooding it.

September was better. Classes resumed the second week of the month, after the waters receded. My first day back I stood in the quad looking up at the brilliant blue sky when I felt a tickle across the back of my neck. Whatever it was, it made the hairs on my neck stand up and I had the feeling that a change was in the air; something more than just the sun after the storm. I felt lighter somehow, like I'd shed old baggage and something epic and huge was going to happen.

The sensation lingered for a few days, and I waited, wondering what was going to happen. Yet nothing did. The first couple weeks of September were the same as usual. Go to class, go home, study, repeat.

Embry and I spent more time together those first few weeks, then football started and I lost him. The homecoming game was against Michigan State. I went and sat in the sweltering stands with 15,000 other people. The Gators won and Embry and I celebrated his victory – he'd scored two of the teams five touchdowns – between the sheets.

The morning after the win we were lying in bed, the early October morning sun casting long shadows across the room. "Rosalie and Emmett are getting married," I said softly, not wanting to disrupt the tranquility that settled around us like a blanket made of the softest kind of emotions.

"That's nice," Embry said noncommittally.

"Isn't it? They're gonna get married in the summer, after graduation." I sighed, happy for my best friend.

The day I came home from Forks, Rosalie attacked me at the door and shoved this huge rock in my face.

"Look!" she shrieked. "Emmett and I are getting married!"

I grabbed her hand and let out a low whistle. The ring was gorgeous and I was, if only slightly, jealous.

I ran my hands down Embry's chest. "Do you think you and I will ever get married?"

Embry shrugged. "Maybe. We still have to get through this last year of school. I don't know if I even want to get married. Look at all the people who get married and it ruins their relationship. I think it's better if you just keep things the way they are. You know. If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

"Yeah," I echoed. I didn't feel the same way. I wanted to get married, settle down have a family all that _Leave it to Beaver_ crap.

After that weekend things started to go back to the way they were. Embry's next two games were out of state, one in California and one in Virginia. I stayed in Florida and drove out to see Jake. He took me to the Alfred B. Maclay Gardens State Park where I was finally able to get some pictures for the class.

"So, why exactly are you so obsessed with gardens lately?" Jake asked as we turned the trail and came face to face with flock of flamingos crossing the path. I stopped gently grabbing Jake's arm.

He stopped and watched as I raised the camera to my eye and clicked off a couple shots in rapid succession. The flock stopped, the largest bird turned his head and looked at me. He squawked once then continued his journey across the trail.

After the flamingos moved down the shore of the lake, Jake and I continued our walk around the park. I took a few pictures of some of the plants and flowers, even a pair of squirrels chasing each other around the trunk of a hemlock tree.

"It's for a class I'm taking. The MOCA is doing a special series on student photographers, and each student is responsible for turning in a certain amount of pictures. I got some from the hurricanes, but I wanted to do something not as depressing. Botanical gardens are normally full of beautiful things, so…"

"So you wanted pictures from the gardens. Embry was supposed to take you, but he didn't."

I nodded. I could've gone by myself, but I didn't. I didn't want to. So I took pictures from the hurricane instead. They were dark, like my mood, and the pictures showed it.

"Have you two talked about any of this?"

I shook my head no. What was there to talk about? He'd just accuse me of being childish, like he always did, or some other shit like that so I didn't bother. We only had eight more months of school left, we could make it that long so there really was no point in even bringing it up.

Jake sighed. I hated putting him in the middle, but I couldn't seem to stop. He listened when no one else really did.

"Will you come to the exhibit?" I asked.

"If I can, just let me know when it is."

I smiled and snapped his picture.

"Are you auditioning for the play this year?" he asked.

"Yeah, auditions are next week. I'm really hoping its something good being as this will be my last performance."

"Well, I will keep my fingers crossed for you. And you know I'll be there."

"Thanks Jake. You know, I have _no_ idea what I would do without you."

Jake laughed and put his arm around my waist. "You'd get on just fine. You always did. But you're welcome. It's kind of nice to be on the opposite end this time around."

I smiled at him. I bet it was.

* * *

The day the exhibit opened at the MOCA, Jake was there but Embry was not. Neither was I. we both came down with the flu the day before the exhibit opened. Embry was sick for a few days, but me, it came and went. One minute I would be feeling fine, then sick as a dog. By the following week I felt a little better, but not much.

I went to see the exhibit, and admired my photos hanging in the well lit exhibit. Embry, however, never saw it and he seemed to think it didn't matter. I tried to get him to come up the last weekend the exhibit would be up, but I got the lovely band excuse. Again.

"Em, are you seriously telling me you can't or won't, come up for _one_ day to see my pictures before the exhibit is taken down?"

"Bella," Embry sighed. "What do you want me to do? They're just pictures, it's not like you can't just show them to me later. This is a really important gig. It could be our big break."

"Yeah like I haven't heard that excuse before," I muttered. "Embry, my photographs, _mine,_ are hanging in a museum. Do you understand that? And you can't give me four hours of your time to come see them? That's pretty fucked up, even for you." I hung up the phone and turned it off. I wasn't doing this anymore. I grabbed my car keys and wallet and went to the MOCA for one last look at my pictures.

When I got home, I called Embry. I listened as he phone rang, then his voicemail message. I hung up without leaving a message, pissed off. I spent the rest of the weekend trying to call him. The only communication I had was with his voicemail.

On Monday, the day of the auditions, I walked into the theater in the foulest of moods. It didn't last too long when I found out the fall play would be none other than Sartre's _No Exit._

I absolutely adored the play, its characters, the hidden meanings and thoughtful phrases. I could have danced all the way home after the audition.

Casting list went up the next day and I was ecstatic to see that I landed one of the four leads, a character by the name of Inès Serrano.

_No Exit_ is centered on three people who are locked in a room. In the room there are no mirrors, windows, no homey devices, just a single door. The characters, and audience, soon learn the room is in hell. The three characters, Inès, Joseph Garcin and Estelle Rigault, are all waiting to be tortured. When no one arrives to torture them, they soon realize they are there to torture one another.

Inès was my favorite character. I could identify with her. There was something about her that was me. I didn't know what it was, but she was the one character I always identified with. I wanted to kiss Rob for giving me this role. I studied my lines religiously and worked hard in rehearsals, all in the hopes he would know just how grateful I was.

The sky was clear the night _No Exit_ opened. I wasn't nervous, which was a first. I smiled at myself in the mirror. This was my last show, probably the last show of my life. Jake and Embry were both supposed to be in attendance and I was going out with a bang. I gave myself a pep talk before heading to the stage.

The first half of the play went off perfectly. During intermission I went back to my dressing room. Grayson graduated the previous June so I got her table and some sophomore girl got mine. She wasn't here tonight though and I had the room all to myself. I was reapplying my lipstick when there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," I called, swiveling in my seat, turning toward the door.

A petite blond, I think she worked in the ticket booth, poked her head into the dressing room. "Are you Bella?" she asked.

"Yes," I said rising.

She held out a slip of paper, handing it to me. I took it, glancing down at her pristine handwriting. "Thanks," I murmured. _Embry called, _the note said, _car trouble, will be late._

_Figures_, I thought, crumbling the note and dropping it to the table top. I sat back down and batted the wadded up note out of the way. It soared across the table top and flew through the air landing on the floor behind me. I stared in the mirror blinking back angry tears. Why was I surprised, I wondered.

Car trouble my ass. He had a practically brand new truck, how was he having trouble with it?

I dabbed my eyes with a tissue and calmed myself. A soft bell chimed overhead signaling the end of the intermission. The second act of the show began. I held onto my anger, using it fuel my character and her trademark line.

They guy who was playing Joseph Garcin was leaning against the wall opposite of where I stood. Ignoring the other person in the room he looked at me and said as he carelessly picked at his fingernails, "Help me. It only needs a little effort, Inès. Just a spark of human feeling."

I snorted and turned to him. "Human feeling?" I spat, channeling my rage. "That's beyond my range. I'm rotten to the core," I said as sarcastically as I could and damn did it feel good.

And so it went the three of us trapped in our room; our hell, torturing one another. At one point in the act, Estelle stood beside me rambling about being in hell.

Garcin looked at the audience and said, "Hell is other people," then rolled his eyes pointing over his shoulder at Estelle.

I chocked back a giggle. It was true. Hell was other people. Then it was the last few lines in the last act. I marched to the front of the stage, the front of hell, and looked out over the audience feeling a little bittersweet.

I saw Jake sitting in the center of the third row, a huge smiled plastered on his face.

"You can nail up your mouth, cut your tongue out – but you can't prevent being there." I glanced over my shoulder at Estelle and Joseph. "I prefer to choose my hell; I prefer to look you in the eyes and fight it out, face to face."

The door swung open behind us and the three of use turned to face it.

"So go on, Mr. Garcin, and try to be honest with yourself – for once."

Joseph glanced from the door, to me, then back to the door. "My death will settle it. If I face death courageously, I'll prove I'm no coward."

As Joseph walked toward the door the lights on stage all went out simultaneously. The only sound that could be heard the pitch blackness was the heavy fall of josephs footsteps, then the door slammed shut.

There was a moment of quiet, a pregnant pause before the audience roared to life. Clapping and whistling deafened me. The curtain squeaked shut and the lights came back on.

I smiled at my two co-stars and the three of us, joined by a freshman boy named Artie Lang who played the Valet, walked to the front of the stage for our curtain call.

I looked out over the audience looking for Embry who should have been sitting next to Jake, but the seat was vacant.

My lips wanted to pull into a frown, but I kept the smile plastered t my face and willed the tears away. Maybe he was in the bathroom, or waiting for me in the dressing room. The look on Jake's face said it all.

The final curtain fell, I trailed behind my cast mates as they rushed off the stage, anxious to head out and celebrate.

I tripped lightly down the stairs and pushed open the door of my dressing room. The sight of a dozen swollen yellow rose buds greeted me. The air was fragrant with their scent. I rushed over; breathing in the scent of the flowers, the card caught my eye. I knew they were from Jake, he always sent yellow roses after every show. I reached into the bouquet for the card wedged between the swollen buds, and yanked it out, taking care to not get caught on the thorns. I pulled the small envelope out and slid my fingernail under the flap then wiggled the small card out. Scrawled across the rectangle was Jake's familiar handwriting – if you could even call it that. I was willing to bet there were at least six chickens out there with neater penmanship.

_You sucked! Now change so we can go celebrate – Jake._

Laughing, I slid the card back into the envelope, reminiscing on that first performance. _The Glass Menagerie. _I was so bad in that play that it still amazed me that I managed to get parts in other plays.

I changed into my street clothes and sent up a silent prayer of thanks for Jake. Always faithful, he had given me the truth about my performance, sent me yellow roses and so it had become a tradition. He sent a dozen yellow roses after every show and the card always said the same thing.

I slid my feet into my heels and Jake's card into the back pocket of my jeans and smiled. Jake. Good old reliable Jake. Jake who could always be depended on, Jake who always showed up opening night on time.

I flicked the lights off on the dressing table, grabbed my purse and went to find him. Jake was by the tallest person in the room, standing in the center of the lobby talking to an attractive redhead.

"Bells!" he exclaimed after excusing himself from his previous conversation. "You were terrific!"

"Thank you for coming," I said as I hugged him, taking a deep breath. He always smelled the same, like the woods after a thunderstorm. That fact always seemed to amaze me.

"You're welcome. That was a fantastic play; you were fantastic."

I smiled, and like a glutton for punishment asked, "Is Embry here?" I looked around, hoping against hope that he came late, or that I'd missed him somehow.

Jake frowned, his eyes tight. That was his "this stupid fucker is making me do his dirty work and I should punch him in the nuts next time I see him" face. "No Bells," he said softly, "he's not here."

"Oh."

It stung, Embry's disregard for things that were important to me. I went to his games, to the shows his petty little band played – well the ones he told me about at least. I tried to be supportive, to be there for him when he needed me to be and yet he couldn't do the same for me. It was a slap in the face, a glimpse into his true feelings. I hated him for making me feel this way, like a god damn broken record all, wah-wah-wah, my boyfriend is a jerk who doesn't care about me, watch me sit at home and cry over him like some pathetic loser. I was sick of it so I swallowed, shoving the anger away. There was no way in hell I was going to let him ruin my night. I plastered a smile on my face, determined to have fun, and said to Jake, "Are you hungry? I'm starving. Let's go get something to eat."

"Are you sure?" Jake asked.

I nodded. "Famished," I said pointing to my stomach.

"Okay," Jake shrugged.

We left the theater, by passing the parking lot and headed down the street to Tommy's. The November air was warm, it blew the smells and sounds of the city into our faces as we walked. It was one of _those_ years, almost thanksgiving and still damn near eighty degrees during the day, the nights not much cooler. We'd probably be wearing shorts and tank tops on Christmas.

We walked the four blocks to Tommy's in silence, just enjoying each other's company. That was another thing I really liked about Jake. When the two of us were together, alone, we could be completely quiet and the silence would be comfortable silence. That was the true measure of a relationship, being able to say nothing at all and still be comfortable.

When Jake opened the door, the smells and sounds of a Friday night at Tommy's assaulted us. The bar was full of rowdy hockey fans who'd gathered to watch the Pens beat the Flyers. Jake and I snagged a couple of stools at the end of the bar and ordered our first round of drinks.

Tommy himself set two frost mugs of beer in front of us. "How are my two favorite college students?" he asked.

I shrugged, sliding the beer toward me as Jake said, "doing good Tommy. How are you?"

Tommy wiped the bar with a dingy rag. "I'm still here so I have no right to complain. Was there a show tonight?"

I nodded. "_No Exit_. You'll have to stop by and check it out," I told him.

"I'll do that. Where's the other trouble maker?"

"Your guess is as good as mine. He said he'd be late, but I guess what he really meant was he wasn't going to show up at all."

Tommy made a face. _I bet he's in the dog house,_ the face said. I shrugged and picked up my beer, taking a long swallow. Nothing like a little liquid joy to keep the vengeful bitch in me at bay. I tilted the mug back and swallowed the last of the beer.

"Thirsty?" Tommy asked.

"Something like that," I grinned. "Can I have a shot of…hmm, something strong. Tequila maybe?"

"Sure thing Bella." Tommy turned; grabbing a bottle of Dos Lunas Silver Blanco off the wall he poured me a double and slid it across the bar. "On the house sweetheart."

I smiled and tossed the shot back, enjoying the slow burn as the sweet, clear liquor slid down my throat, liquid fire in my bell. I asked for another and tossed it back as well. When I asked for a third Jake shook his head no.

"Eat something first," he advised.

I complied, waiting for Tommy to bring me my burger. "So," I said turning to Jake. "What do you think his excuse will be this time?"

Jake shrugged and sipped his beer. "Maybe something really did come up," he suggested.

"Yeah right," I said rolling my eyes. "It's probably the god damn band. I swear to god that's like his freaking scapegoat. And I'll tell you what; if anything about the band comes out of his mouth I will punch him in the nuts. For real."

"If it does I'll hold him down so you can do it, okay?"

"Good. Oh wait, I have a better idea. Have you ever seen _What Happens in Vegas_?"

Jake nodded. "Why?"

"At the very end, during the credits, Cameron Diaz's friend and Ashton Kutcher's friend ring Cameron Diaz's ex-fiancés doorbell and the guy punches him in the dick and they like run away laughing. We could so totally pull off some shit like that."

Jake started laughing. "You're pretty freaking sadistic, you know that?

I shrugged, trying not to giggle. "Admit it; it would be pretty fricking hilarious."

Jake continued laughing. "I never said it wouldn't be. Who would punch him, you or me?"

"Hmm," I said thoughtfully. "I don't know. Either way it would still be funny and it would be mission accomplished."

"Well then, on that note, I'd like to volunteer to be the puncher."

I laughed. "Then in that case the job is yours."

"Well alright then," Jake said.

By one thirty I was toasted. Somewhere between shots of tequila, Embry texted me some lame ass apology, the bastard didn't even have the balls to call me. I deleted the text and ordered another shot of tequila. Jake grinned as I swallowed the drink.

"I thought you didn't like tequila?"

I grinned drunkenly at him. "I don't like that José Cuervo shit. This is different. It's sweeter, like me." I slammed the empty shot glass on the bar then fell off my stool.

Jake slid off his stool and scooped me up. "You're wasted," he said with the shake of a head.

"I know right. Oh, nice pants," I giggled. "Wanna fuck?"

Jake wrapped an arm around me. "Come on boozy," he laughed, "let's get you home."

The air outside held a humid chill as we walked, well Jake walked; I stumbled, out of the bar. He guided me in the direction of the theater. I stumbled along beside him down the sidewalk, my vision swimming. A block from the theater parking lot, I stopped, leaning against a dark deli. Suddenly I didn't feel so good. Taking a deep breath, I prayed for my vision to stop swirling, exhaled. My dinner and half the alcohol I drank earlier made a second appearance, splattering all over the sidewalk. Jake rushed over and grabbed my hair, holding it out of my face. I stood there, bent over at the waist, one hand on the building, expelling the contents of my stomach.

Once there was nothing left I wiped my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt and stumbled back, smiling. Jake shook his head, muttering under his breath.

"Sorry," I said.

He shook his head again, "Come on," he said wrapping an arm around my waist. We made it back to the theater parking lot without any more problems. He put me in his car and stared down at me before closing the door. "We'll come back for yours in the morning," he said, then, "please don't puke in my car."

"I won't," I said. "Ooh do you think you could stop at the store for more Dos Lunas?"

"Yeah, I don't think so. You're drunk enough."

"Party pooper," I muttered sticking my tongue out at him.

Jake gave in and stopped at the store around the corner from my apartment. "Stay in the car," he ordered before getting out.

"I will," I said.

"I mean it Bells."

"I will, chill out. Jeez."

I sat in the passenger seat patiently waiting while Jake bought more alcohol. When he got back in the car he handed me the brown paper bag. "Happy?"

I nodded and we went back to my apartment. Rosalie was gone when we crashed through the front door laughing about the lady walking down the boulevard, pushing her dog in an old fashioned baby stroller.

I threw my purse on the couch and headed to the kitchen to find a cup. Jake turned the radio on in the living room; one of those overly catchy pop songs Rose adored came pouring out. I bounced around the kitchen singing Lady GaGa's "Bad Romance" at the top of my lungs, slamming cabinet doors open and closed, still looking for a clean cup.

Finally I gave up and twisted the lid off the bottle and titled it back. Lukewarm tequila spilled down my throat, dribbled down my chin. Jake wandered into the kitchen. When he saw me drinking right out of the bottle he rushed over and snatched it.

I poked my lower lip and reached for it. "Give it back," I said.

Jake held the bottle of tequila high above his head. "I think you've had more than enough. You should probably go to bed. I'm gonna crash on the couch, keep an ear out, you know; make sure you don't drown in your own vomit."

I flipped him off and reached for the bottle again. He smiled mischievously, gazing down at me. Something dark and desirable danced across his eyes.

Whatever it was, it tickled me. I shivered, marveling at how me he grown up over the last few years. His face went from cutesy boy next door to the angular lines and chiseled features of a Calvin Klein underwear model.

He was broader in the shoulders and still as muscular as he was in high school, hell maybe more so. And he was still sexy as hell. I blinked, trying to shake myself out of Jake fantasy land.

Jake lowered the bottle of tequila and set it on the counter. In one swift movement I reached out and grabbed it, backing up until I was against the opposite counter. The brushed nickel handle on the lower cabinet dug into my calf.

Placing the bottle to my lips, I smirked at Jake before taking a long swallow. He grabbed for the bottle, pulling it away from my mouth, the clear liquid poured over the lip of the bottle and spilled down the front of my shirt.

"Oops," I said innocently.

Jake leaned forward; he grabbed the roll of paper towels sitting on the counter behind me. I leaned forward, smashing my lips into his. He stumbled, not expecting to be assaulted. Grabbing the countertop, he righted himself; his quest for paper towels forgotten.

Jakes arms snaked around my waist, pulling me forward. Hips collided, the spark of desire arced across my nerves. It was hot and fiery and felt fantastic.

Then the warning bells started going off in my head.

I ignored them, and instead of stopping, walking away and going to bed like I knew I should have, I grabbed two handfuls of Jake's shirt and pushed him out of the kitchen and back towards my bedroom.

He stopped at the bedroom door, his eyes hooded, darkened with lust and longing. "Bella," he said his voice thick and husky.

I shivered. "Shut up and kiss me Jake."

He leaned down, his lips pressed softly against mine. The doorway of the bedroom was just behind me. I parted my lips; his tongue ran over mine as I pushed him into the dark room.

We stumbled inside, Jake's arms still wrapped around my waist, his fingers tangled in my hair, his lips thrust upon mine.

Without thinking, I tugged at his belt. He tore at my sopping shirt. I got his belt unbuckled and started fumbling with mine, wiggled out of the denim prison and stood before him in my bra and panties.

Moonlight forced its way into the room through the crack in the curtains. Normally those damn light blocking curtains made my room darker than a cave at midnight, but not tonight.

The milky light fell across Jake's ripped stomach casting shadows in the ridges of his muscles. My fingers itched to touch his skin, to explore every dip and swell until the desire was no more.

Jake's gaze lingered on me, sweeping across my face and body. I took it as a sign and stepped toward him, hell bent on getting him out of his jeans and into my bed. He held up his hand warding me off.

"Bells…"his voice trailed off.

I crossed my arms over my chest and tapped my foot against the carpeted floor. "What Jake?" I murmured looking up at him.

"Bells, we can't…Embry's my best friend."

I glared at him. "Um Jake, in case you haven't already notice, you kinda sorta already crossed that line. I'm standing here half naked for Christ's sake. Fuck Embry. He could care less. That much is obvious, don'tcha think?"

"That still doesn't make what we're about to do right," Jake reasoned.

I scowled at him. "Fine, whatever. Get your shit and leave."

I pushed past him and stomped angrily to the kitchen. The bottle of Dos Lunas was on the counter where Jake left it. I grabbed it and took a long swallow, then another. Jake walked down the hall. He stopped and turned to look at me. I ignored him, tilting the bottle back and taking another long swallow.

Feeling scorned and foolish I stood there in my Victoria's Secret panties, love pink blazed across the front in silver font, trying not to let this man see how horribly I was hurting. His rejection, piled on top of Embry's, made me feel like shit.

Then the drunken tears came.

I slammed the bottle down violently, furiously wiping the tears away. Fuck them both. Who cared if neither of them wanted me? Maybe _I _didn't want _them._

Jake didn't say anything. Fighting back a sob as Jake walked away, I grabbed the bottle again and chugged the last of the tequila.

"Bella?"

I turned my face from him. "I thought I told you to leave," I muttered.

"Bella, it's nothing against you, I just-"

"Leave!" I screamed cutting him off.

"Fine," he growled, stalking off towards the front door again. The door knob jiggled, and then the door slammed shut. Jakes fist hit the door. "God damn it," he muttered from the foyer.

Angry footsteps stomped across the floor as Jake stormed back into the kitchen and grabbed my face, kissing me violently.

I melted into his touch. "This is wrong," he growled, "But I've wanted you for so long."

I pushed him off of me. "You're an asshole, I spat, walking away. "Leave."

My legs wobbled as I made my way down the hall. I walked into my dark room, when I turned to shut the door Jake was leaning against the door frame staring down at me, an animalistic glean in his eyes. "Tell me to leave again and I will," he rumbled.

I opened my mouth to tell him to go, to leave my room and leave me along, but the words wouldn't come.

"That's what I thought," he said sweeping me up, carrying me towards the bed.

The room spun as he carried me towards the bed. Jake set me on the edge of the bed. I watched as he unbuckled his belt, the buckle jingled as he took off his pants. I felt that epic change rushing towards me. For the first time in three months that feeling, the feeling of unrecognizable change, was clear. This, what I was about to do, was going to cause irreparable damage.

And for the first time in a long time, I didn't care. It was what I wanted, and in my drunken state of mind, I was completely justified.

I glanced up at Jake, who was peering down at me. Pressing one knee into the bed between my knees he forced me back, his breath tiny puffs as he kissed a trail up my leg.

With experienced fingers he pushed the tiny scrap of what you'd consider my panties aside and plunged his fingers into the fleshy folds. I moaned once, biting my lip. Embry's face flashed into my mind. I wondered what he would think of Jake's hands on me, touching me in only the places he'd touched me.

This turned me on immensely, the thought of Embry's seething anger. Jake chuckled softly as my leg twitched.

"Bella," he whispered. "Bella, I want you to cum all over my fingers."

I shivered, unable to help it. Embry was good, but Christ on a Cracker Jake was so, so, so much better. It didn't take long. He kept saying things, things Embry never said, and I couldn't help it. I dug my nails into the sheets and writhed under his fingers and words.

I bucked against his fingers, the pleasure becoming too much. Jake grabbed my hips and angled himself, plunging into me. I groaned, my vision swam, faces blurred together and for a second I wasn't sure who was in bed with me.

"Embry," I moaned. There was a hesitation, the motion stopped. Jake, or was it Embry, turned me over and pushed me, face down, into the bed. He tugged my hair as he fucked me. It couldn't be Embry. Embry never did stuff like this. A shiver ran over me, the tingles started, then burst like fireworks. I clawed at the bed, desperate to get away, but Jake grabbed my hips.

"I'm not done with you," he whispered.

I moaned and groaned, clawing at the sheets as he screwed me silly. Jake stopped, I breathed a sigh of relief, unsure how much more I could take. He turned me over again, but instead of letting me go to sleep like I so desperately wanted to do, he picked me up as he leaned back sitting on his feet and sat me in his lap.

I glanced at him, my head weak. "Em- Jake, I can't. I'm so tired." I closed my eyes, unable to keep them open anymore.

Jake snickered softly in the darkness and gently laid me down. Tucking the sheet in around me he kissed my cheek. "Sleep," he whispered and curled up beside me.

* * *

There's a reason they call Florida the sunshine state. The sun came blazing through the window at six fifty four in the morning. I groaned and rolled over, biting back a scream at the figure in bed beside me.

Panic clawed at my throat when I realized it was Jake, and not Embry, who lay beside me. I pulled the sheet back and glanced down. Tears flooded my eyes when I realized what all this added up to. Scenes from the previous night flashed in my mind.

This was bad, seven different kinds of bad. I rolled out of bed, searching for something, anything I could put on.

Oh my god I slept with Jake.

It played over and over again my head, like a CD stuck on repeat. Abandoning all hope for clothes I rushed into the bathroom, slammed the door shut.

I turned to the toilet and threw up. When I was done, I turned the water on in the tub. Steam swirled up out of the tub, fogging the mirror. I stepped in, yanking the curtain closed.

Oh my god what do I do. Do I tell Embry? I can't like, he'd know, but I couldn't tell him either. Oh dear god what do I do?

I washed my hair, furiously scrubbed my body hoping to wash away all traces of my drunken indiscretion. When I left the bathroom the bed was empty. "Jake?" I called. My heart beat quickly. Maybe it _was_ just a dream.

Then Jake said, "In the kitchen Bella," and I knew it wasn't just a dream.

I quickly got dressed and hurried into the kitchen. Jake was leaning against the counter, a steaming mug of aromatic coffee in his hand.

"Morning," I mumbled reaching for my own coffee cup.

"Morning," Jake replied.

I made my coffee, avoiding eye contact with him. I felt sick again.

"Bella about last night-"

"No Jake," I said shaking my head. "I don't want to talk about it. It happened, that's all there is to it. I don't want to talk about it."

Jake sighed, setting the untouched cup of coffee in the sink. "Okay. Well, I should probably head out. I've got to get back. Call me if you need anything okay?"

I nodded and sipped my coffee. "Mmkay," I mumbled.

Jake dropped a kiss on the top of my head, grabbed his blue button down and disappeared out the front door. It slammed shut with a resounding bang. I sank to the floor, sobbing into my hands.

How could I have let this happen? How did my life get this far off track? How did I become this person, the kind who cheated because she felt spiteful and angry?

Bile bit at the back of my throat. I climbed to my feet and ran to the bathroom. Not bothering to shut the door I hunched over and threw up.

**Umm..yeah...reviews are awesome but in no way are they better than shacking up with you dude version of a BFF...**

**9 Crimes – Damien Rice**


	8. No Such Thing As Accidental Infidelity

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer**

**This is a short chapter so here ya go. Thanks to the beta, she rocks. Enjoy!  
**

**EMPOV**

The Ram's engine idled as I sat outside Bella's apartment. The sun had yet to peek over the horizon, the gray light swirled like a mist around the low bushes framing the apartment's windows.

To be frank I wasn't looking forward to facing her. I knew she was going to be pissed; I also knew there'd be hell to pay. I missed the show and Jake didn't. It wouldn't be the first time I heard that shit from her.

I glanced out the window at his car and idly wondered where hers was. That, I'll admit, was strange. This uneasy feeling circled around my spine, clutched my fingers in its icy grip. Something wasn't right here.

I turned the engine off and slid out of the cab. The humidity in the air made it hard to breathe. Gravel crunched under the soles of my shoes as I walked toward the apartment, keys in hand, heart beating furiously in my chest.

The hunter green apartment door loomed before me, beckoning me, daring me almost to open it and see what lie just beyond its wooden barrier.

Leafing through the key ring, I found my key and slid it into the lock, turning it slowly. The apartment was eerily silent in the early morning hour. I shut the door behind me and quietly walked into the living room. My gaze automatically travelled to the empty couch.

Blood rushed in my ears. My stomach clenched, bile rose up the back of my throat. Jake's car was outside, but he wasn't asleep on the couch. My eyes flicked down the second hallway to the bathroom. The door stood wide open, a gaping mouth into the dark room.

I knew what it meant, I knew it, yet part of me refused to accept it. I refused to believe Bella, my Bella, would do that to me, to us.

I mean, I knew things had been…well, bad I guess, for her at least, but I mean come on, we were two people who lived two hours away and only really saw each other on the weekends, if that. We'd grown apart a little, but was the rift really that big? Had we really grown _that_ far apart?

I walked slowly down the hall. Her bedroom door was open; the grey light pushed its way past the eggplant purple curtains and filtered into the room. Motes of dust danced in the muted light. I followed the trail of clothes, leading a path to the bed like some sort of fucked up yellow brick road. My eyes landed on the two naked figures tangled in the dark purple sheets, to the feminine arm carelessly thrown over Jake's stomach. Saw the steady rise and fall of his chest as Jake snored softly and contentedly in the arms of my girlfriend.

I bit down on the inside of my cheek and stalked back down the hall. I wrenched the front door open and let it close loudly behind me. I staggered down the steps and leaned against the driver's side door of the Ram and threw up. Regurgitated sausage McMuffin splashed up onto the trucks tire.

Rage slowly replaced the nausea. I turned, heading back toward the apartment. Blurry red pulsed at the edges of my vision. I was going to kill them both, starting with him.

I got to the steps, my chest heaving, when the whooping of a cop car broke me out of my homicidal rage. The cop turned into the complex and slowly drove by me. I stared after the cruiser as it pulled into a parking spot in front of the next building over. The brawny cop got out of his car and eyed me suspiciously.

I ran my hand through my hair and turned back to my truck, murderous thoughts forgotten. I felt betrayed, no more than betrayed, so betrayed I doubted there was even a word for it.

I drove back to Gainesville in a haze. I had no idea what to do now. I texted her last night to apologize, I tried to call, but she didn't answer, her phone went straight to voicemail, which now, was understandable. She'd probably been fucking the shit out of my best friend while I paced back and forth across my bedroom.

I learned my lesson now though. Never let your friends borrow your car. I let Dean borrow my truck yesterday afternoon so he could go see his girlfriend, or the chick he was screwing. At four he called and said it wouldn't start. Naturally I freaked out. He said he'd call Sam, who worked part time at Auto Zone, to have him look at it.

Two hours later, and seven phone calls between the two of us to Sam, Dean tried to start the car again to no avail.

By nine Sam finally called to find out what was going on. Dean told him what happened, Sam said the battery was dead, but there wasn't anything he could do, he was in Orlando.

I hung up the phone, went to my room, played guitar hero, waited for Dean to get back, wrote the skeleton of a song for Bella. Around ten and still no truck, I drank a few beers then went to bed. I woke up a few hours later to Dean and his girlfriend fighting in the living room.

He'd gotten the battery for the truck, but by this point it was too late, damn near one in the morning. I resigned myself to the fact that I'd just have to go up in the morning and grovel for forgiveness.

Just outside of Jacksonville I pulled off the interstate at a rest stop where I threw up the rest of my breakfast. As I washed my hands in the dingy bathroom tears welled in my eyes. I angrily swiped them away and drove the rest of the way home in a daze.

I honestly don't know how I even made it back. I pulled into the driveway and parked the truck. Sam and Dean were playing Rock Band in the living room; I could hear Aerosmith screaming out of the surround sound telling me to walk this way.

I climbed the sagging front steps and walked into the house, past the television, making a bee line for my room.

"Hey Embry, grab a guitar," Dean ordered. "I need you man, Sam sucks at the guitar."

I ignored them and went to my room. I slammed the door behind me, my eyes landing on a framed photograph of me and Bella. Her face was turned to the side; eyes closed as she kissed me and took the picture. It was one of hers; she took it, developed it, put the damn thing in a frame and gave it to me for my birthday last year. I shoved it off the dresser; it fell to the floor, the glass cracking. I reached down and ripped the picture out of its frame, crumbled it and tossed it into the overflowing trash can.

A couple of days passed, marked only by the darkening and lightening sky. I was on auto-pilot, a shell of my former self. Everywhere I looked I saw Bella. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Bella and Jake tangled in the sheets, her arm thrown across his chest.

Every time I was alone I could the sounds of her moans, the little mewling sound she made as she came. I felt like someone crept into my room while I slept and cut out my heart – it hurt so much that it didn't; if that was even possible. I was uncomfortably numb.

On the third day, I think it was a Monday, my phone rang. It vibrated along the top of my desk, Bella's favorite song, Anberlin's _Enjoy the Silence_ poured out. I picked up the phone and silenced it. Let her talk to my voicemail, see how _she_ liked it. I skipped football practice that afternoon, choosing instead, to sit in my room and wonder just how long exactly Jake and Bella's lusty little affair had been going on for. How long had they been sneaking around for?

Then things started to fall into place.

All the times he'd been there and I wasn't; all the shows and events he'd shown up for. God how stupid did I have to be? I should have known he had ulterior motives all along. No guy is that good of a friend, no guy drives three hours each way to see every one of his girl "friends" show or art exhibits or whatever; especially if he's not getting something in return from her.

Then there was Bella's easy acceptance of having Jake sleep on her couch when he came to Jacksonville. She didn't make him stay in a hotel anything he came to town. There was her recent seemingly easy acceptance when I had to cancel plans. And why not, she had Jake. She didn't need me if she had him.

I wanted to puke, again, just wanted to throw my fucking guts up, then hit something, someone – preferably Jake.

I seethed when I thought about it. I should've known that bastard would pull something like this. High school was a perfect example. That bastard knew I loved Bella, even back then, and he swooped in a stole her from me.

I spent the rest of the week in my room, I didn't eat, didn't sleep. I got up to go to the bathroom and that was it. Memories like home videos played over and over again in my mind. Always showing the same scenes. Bella's first day of school in Forks, Bella on the stage in fall play our junior year of high school. Kissing Bella for that stupid English assignment, her coming home from Christmas in Jacksonville, looking tan and relieved to be back, junior and senior prom, her fear when Esme, her moms former best friend, came to collect her to bring her back here. Our trip to Florida, the night in the hotel, her standing in front of me dripping wet. Memories like mile markers, each one more powerful than the last, washed over me.

It became almost unbearable. The uncomfortable numbness became painful, like the tingly sensation in your feet after they've sat in the same position for too long.

I wanted to hit someone, but the person I wanted to hit was too far away so I hit the wall instead, punching a hold in the cheap drywall. I bruised my knuckles the first time, a small wave of satisfaction washed over me so I hit the wall again, harder this time.

There was a sickly sounding crack, a brilliant burst of white hot pain radiated up my arm. I growled and pulled my hand back. It looked fucked up and damn did I feel better. Calmly I walked into the living room, stopping in the doorway with my broken hand cradled against my chest. Dean looked up from his spot on the floor. The action of Call of Duty stopped when he saw my hand.

"Damn dude, what the fuck did you do?"

"I need you to take me to the hospital. I think I broke my hand," I replied.

"What?"

"I punched the wall. Think I hit the stud, broke my hand."

Dean jumped off the couch and grabbed his car keys. "Come on dumb fuck. Why the hell were you punching the wall for in the first place?"

"Bella cheated on me," I said numbly.

Dean stopped; he turned to me, his jaw hanging open, eyes wide with shock. "No fucking way," he breathed.

"Way. With Jake. I went up there and saw them in bed together."

I calmly followed him to his new acquired tricked out Subaru. The locks clicked up and I pulled the door open with my good hand and got in. Dean started the car, it hummed softly to life and he backed out of the driveway.

"Bella slept with your best friend." It was a declaration, not a question.

I nodded, staring out the window. "How fucked up is that?"

"It's beyond fucked up man. That's low, even worse that he's your friend, well supposed to be at least."

"Yeah, you're telling me," I snorted.

I waited in the ER for four hours before someone finally came to look at my hand. The pretty blond doctor smiled at me as she examined my hand.

"What did you hit?" she asked.

I hissed when she touched my hand. "The wall," I said through gritted teeth.

She clucked her tongue, smiling sympathetically. "Girlfriend trouble?"

I rolled my eyes. "What are you, a bone doctor or a shrink?"

She squeezed my hand again drawing another hiss from me. "Bone doctor. Aw I'm sorry did that hurt?"

"Yeah just a little bit."

She smiled sarcastically. "Oh I'm sorry. You have a fracture in your fifth metacarpal."

"What's that mean?"

"It means you broke your damn hand. It's going to need a cast. No football or punching walls for at least six weeks."

I groaned. Six weeks. There went the rest of my football season as well as any chance of getting drafted by the NFL. I closed my eyes and mentally kicked myself in the ass. How stupid could I be?

The doctor wrapped my hand in a black cast, wrote me a prescription for some pain killers and sent me on my way.

My whole goddamn world was falling apart. First Bella, now football, next would be the band. I skipped another week of classes, another week of football practice. My phone rang practically non-stop. Bella called, Jake called. I didn't answer either of their calls. My mom called, I let her go to voicemail too. Coach Meyer called, even he got the voicemail. I got tired of the nonstop ringing so I shut my phone off.

I filled the prescription for the pain meds, but I didn't take them. They made me tired and I didn't want to sleep. I lay in my bed letting the pain and misery have me.

I was awake when the sun rose that Friday morning two weeks later. I slept for a few hours the night before, waking in the pitch dark of my room. Sweat soaked my skin and clothes, the sounds of Bella and Jake's lovemaking ringing in my ears.

I laid there watching as the sun crested over the tree tops. I knew what I needed to do, what I needed to say to Bella. I was done being miserable, tired of feeling like an over emotional chick on the rag. I showered then got in the truck and headed for Jacksonville.

As I drove I wondered if she would deny it, if she would lie or if she would call it a mistake. I spent the rest of the drive perfecting my confrontation. It was probably all in vain anyway. I hadn't spoken to her in two weeks. She had to know I knew. If she even cared anymore.

I pulled into the complex and parked my truck beside her car. I climbed the stairs, stopping in front of her hunter green door, the gold 2A gleamed so brightly I could see myself in it. I took a deep breath and knocked.

There was the shuffling of movement from inside the apartment, then the door opened. Bella stood before me, a wrinkled Creed concert shirt hung loosely on her shoulders. Her skin was ashen, her normally shiny brunette hair looked like it hadn't been washed in days.

She looked up at me, unhappiness etched into the lines around her eyes. "Hey," she said softly and moved aside allowing me to come in.

I stepped past her and stopped in the middle of the living room, figuring it was best to just cut to the chase no matter how bad this was going to hurt.

**Reviews are better than finding you girlfriend in bed with your bestfriend...srsly..they are**

**There's No Such Thing As Accidental Infidelity – You Me At Six**


	9. The Lightning Strike

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

First off I want to apologize for the length of time between updates...this was one of those instances where real life got in the way...so that being that, this chapter is special..when I first wrote this story, this wasn't an original chapter. _mschenke_ said in a review she hoped to get Jake's point of view and that he didn't sleep with bella because he's an ass...so I wrote this so you guys won't go hating on Jake..that and my daughter get's credit for a line in this..she might be seven but she's pretty wordy..lol..so yeah..hope you like it..next update later this week. And as always big thanks to my beta, ShelbySue who is like Superwoman but better. : )

* * *

**Jake**

When I was younger, long before my mother got sick and my whole life got turned upside down, there was this one day that sticks out in my memory like a red flag in a sea of white. We were on vacation, my family and I, and my parents were sitting on the beach, wrapped in each other's arms watching the three of us run up and down the shore line.

I remember the smell of the salt in the air and the way the waves crashed against the sound, angry fists pounding the sandy shore. I remember that it was late; the sun was setting. My father had just built a bon fire on the beach far from the reaching fingers of the sea, the blue flames reaching into the night, fiery fingers reaching for the stars.

My sisters and I had run up and down the coast, brightly colored plastic pails clenched in our sandy fists, as we searched for the most exotic shells we could find. Scooping them up, sometimes using our fingers as a makeshift shovel, we tossed the shells into our buckets before rushing to the shore to wash the sand from their grooved exteriors. Satisfied with the shell's cleanliness they would go back into the bucket. Where the shells went after the bucket I don't think I'll ever know. Each morning our pails would be clean and free of the shells we collected the day before. But in my then eight year old mind that didn't really matter. The fun was in finding the shells, not keeping them.

As the sun dipped into the ocean we collapsed at our parent's feet and waited for graham crackers, marshmallows, and melting squares of gooey chocolate to be dispensed. I remember sitting on the edge of the blanket, salt water dripping in my eyes, shivering in the breeze, the prickly feel of goose bumps rising on my chilled flesh, the sand grainy between my toes, the way it cut into my skin as I wiggled my toes back and forth.

My parents were laughing about something; they laughed a lot right before my mom got sick and my father said something, low and under his breath. My mother smiled, it broke across her face like a shooting star streaks across the night sky. She looked up at my father, gazing at him over her right shoulder. She set the marshmallows down, dropped the box of graham crackers and grasped my father's face, the palms of her hands resting on the darkly whiskered skin of his cheeks. She peered into his eyes and said, "I'm going to kiss you like there's no tomorrow."

At the tender age of eight I found that disgusting; girls were gross, but at the same time I was intrigued. The way my mother looked at my father, it was like she was seeing the sky for the first time. Her face was always full of wonder and amazement. I never had to question her feelings for him; they were painted across her face, on display for the entire world to see.

I remembered thinking that I wanted a girl to look at me like that one day (once girls were no longer disgusting and ridden with cooties, that is). I wanted a girl to look at me like she was seeing the sky for the first time, I wanted to witness the love and wonder and amazement break across her face as she looked at me.

Total chick flick moment, I know, but the measure of a man is one who can admit that he has feelings. I had feelings, I had emotions; secret desires that only I knew about. Bella, for instance, was my secret desire.

I was in love with her and no one but me knew. I don't know when it happened; it was something that just occurred. One minute she was just Bella, former sad, displaced girl next door, friend who fell in love with my best friend, and then the next thing I knew she was no longer "just Bella", she was Bella – intelligent, talented, gorgeous, and completely unaware of it.

I remember the day it hit me, this feeling of just complete and utter, I don't know, desire. It was a weekend in Jacksonville, Embry was naturally nowhere to be found and I had taken Bella out to lunch. We walked into a sports bar and grille, every set of male eyes watched as she led the way to the booth. I felt this surge of, well jealousy I guess. It twisted my stomach, made me feel sick and when I sat down I noticed for the first time how she had specks of green and gold in her dark brown eyes and the way the light played at the red highlights in her hair, the slight spattering of freckles sprinkled across her cheeks and the bridge of her nose. All these little things that I'm sure were registered in the back of my mind somewhere were suddenly jumping out at me, committing themselves to the forefront of my memory.

I found it hard to concentrate on much of anything for a few weeks after that lunch. Then my defenses weakened, crumbling completely with each teary phone call to the point where I started hoping Embry would fuck up so I'd have a reason to see her. I was defenseless when it came to her; anything she wanted I wanted to give to her. And when I didn't have a reason to come out to Jacksonville, when I didn't have a reason to see her, I would look for one, just one measly excuse to see her.

I was a poor schmuck in love with my best friend's girl and there was no two ways around it. I loved her and it killed me to see Embry treat her the way he did. I get that college is hard, that having to maintain the grades to keep the scholarship is hard. It wasn't a walk in the park for me either but I found a way to deal that didn't involve pissing all over my girlfriend, especially since she came down here in the first place to be with him.

I admit I took advantage of the situation. I won't deny that. I'm a guy, we all do stupid shit because we can, because it makes us feel macho, or some asinine bullshit like that. Regardless, I took advantage of the situation. I knew Bella was heartsick, I knew she was hurting and I let her get drunk to make it better. I let her think it was okay to sleep with me. I let her think Embry deserved it. Maybe he did. Hell I could even go as far as to say this was all part of my evil plan. I was not, unfortunately, that devious. I wasn't sitting in my dorm room tapping my fingers together like a classic cartoon villain, secretly scheming and concocting ways to break up Bella and Embry.

I was, however, hoping she'd come to her senses and break up with him. How much crap can one person take before they just give up? Apparently Bella could take a lot of crap. And I mean a lot.

All I wanted was for her to be happy, even if that wasn't with me, I wanted her to be happy and that was it. I wanted to see her genuinely smile, and not that lame ass I'm-smiling-to-make-you-think-I'm-happy-smile, but a real smile, the kind that would reach her eyes, the kind my mother had smiled when she looked at my father.

I got up from my bed and paced the length of the room. I needed to get out of here; I needed to be able to breathe. Outside in the quad, thunder rumbled overhead, threatening to ruin what was a glorious afternoon. I hurried toward my car, wrenching the door open I climbed inside. Wedged in the passenger seat was a piece of flimsy material, some scarf thing Bella had been looking for. I reached across the seat and pulled it out, wrapping the silky material around my fingers. It smelled like her shampoo, a flowery smell I had never been able to identify.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, the funky fast food bags in the back seat mixing with the sweet smell of the scarf. Bella's watery eyes and panicked face appeared in my mind. The vision of her standing in the kitchen reaching for her coffee cup the morning after appeared, her hair hanging down her back, drops of water dripping off the moist curls, the sag of her shoulders under the heavy weight of our indiscretion, echoes of her voice as she wearily told me she didn't want to talk about what happened.

I opened my eyes and peered out the windshield as the rain came pouring down. _What do I do now?_ I wondered. I loved Bella, I loved her and I might have just ruined any chance I may have had. I pounded the steering wheel feeling stupid and reckless.

As the rain pounded the roof of the car an old Eric Hoffer quote came to mind. Hoffer once said that craving, not having, is the mother of a reckless giving of oneself.

He sure as hell hit the nail on the head with that one.

* * *

hmm...Reviews are better than...being in love with your best friends girl...

**The Lightning Strike** by** Snow Patrol**


	10. Consoler Of The Lonely

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

I admit..Full Circle Bella is sorta (well really) pretty spineless...she should have dumped Embry a long time ago...but, alas, everything that happens, happens for a reason. My beta ShelbySue rocks..next update..soon..I have to write the next chapter..lol.

**Bella**

Embry was the last person I expected to see standing on the other side of the door when I opened it. Two weeks, fourteen very long, very guilt filled days passed since I'd last had any contact with Embry so to see him standing on my doorstep was a surprise to say the least.

He looked worse than I felt, almost like he hadn't slept at all in the last two weeks. His left hand was encased in a black cast; his fingers, which peeked through the end, looked swollen. I wondered, and almost asked what happened; the dark look in his eyes stopped me.

He looked at me as I pulled the door open wider and I knew he knew. His eyes were flat and lifeless…tormented almost. The spark that had once shined so brightly was gone. Now looking into his eyes was like looking at a beautiful meadow that had been plowed under.

"Hey," I said softly, stepping aside. He walked by me and stopped in the center of the living room, his good hand shoved into the pocket of his jeans. He ignored the greeting and raised his eyes to mine. I stood there in the spotlight of his glare fidgeting with the hem of my tee-shirt.

He pulled his hand out of his pocket and ran them through his hair. Halfway through he stopped and grabbed a handful of hair in each hand, tugged then exhaled. The accusation hung, unspoken in the air and I knew for sure that he knew.

He ran his hands the rest of the way through his hair then finally spoke. "Did you-" his voice broke, angry tears filled his eyes.

My heart began to race; it slammed painfully against my ribs. I sucked in a lungful of the stale air, wiped my hands on my pants. "Embry what's wrong?"

Stupid question I know, but you see I never wanted to hurt him; that was never my intention. I loved him more than anything else in this world and maybe that was the problem. I spent so much time _loving him, _being devoted _to him_ that I lost me. I put myself aside, convinced myself I was overreacting, that this was normal. I spent so long being neglected that maybe subconsciously I thought that he deserved this, that he deserved to hurt the way I had.

Hell, maybe he _did_ deserve it.

Maybe he didn't. No, he might have acted like an ass but I don't think he deserved this. And Jake. I never meant for it to be him. He was my friend, he was always there when I needed him. Maybe that's how he happened.

Yes, it sounds like a lame excuse, but Jake was there. He was always there when I needed him. He paid attention to me, he came to my shows, he answered my calls and texts and emails. He was always supportive.

I felt like Mary Jane Watson torn between Peter Parker and Harry Osborne. I wanted to check the corners of the apartment to see if maybe a black suited Spidey was hanging around hoping for some superhero loving.

Sleeping with Jake was an accident. Not the kind of oops-we-slipped-and-fell accident, but the kind where your boyfriend says he'll be there and then he's not and you're so pissed off you think you can drown your sorrows in the bottom of a bottle but the only thing that does is makes your forget for a minute or two why you were pissed off in the first place.

So now your drunk and the one person who _has_ been there for you, who _has_ expressed an interest in what you do is scooping you up and taking you home and as your standing in your kitchen guzzling down more alcohol you have one of those drunken moments of clarity where everything becomes clear. But it's really not clear, why? Oh because your drunk. So by now your pissed, drunk and looking for revenge so what do you do? You sleep with your boyfriend's best friend because that'll really show him and the next thing you know clothes are being ripped off and you're falling into bed with your friend. And while he may be absolutely gorgeous, he's a friend nevertheless. And what does this all add up to?

Exactly where I was right now; feeling guilty as hell and staring at my boyfriend as he struggled to muster the courage to ask me if I slept with his best friend.

I reached out to brush the hair from his face; my fingers trembled visibly as I reached for him. Embry shied away from my touch. My hand dropped to my side, slapping my thigh.

There was too much space between us, figuratively and literally. I felt the hope rush out of the room then, his action confirmed my fear: he knew.

Embry took a deep breath; his eyes hardened. "Did you sleep with Jake?" he demanded, his voice a low growl.

There was no point in lying and yet I still felt the urge to lie, to look him in the eye and deny my infidelity until I was blue in the face. My weeping eyes betrayed me. Traitorous tears slid down my face like a liquid admission of guilt. "Yes," I finally whispered. "Embry, I'm so sorry."

"You're sorry?" he sneered. "You're _sorry?_ Jesus Bella, I…I don't even know what to say." He walked past me, yanking the front door open violently. As he crossed the threshold he turned to me, his good hand on the brass door knob. "You and me," he said motioning the space between us, "we're through."

I sobbed, breath catching in my throat. Reaching for him, I cried, "Embry wait."

"No Bella. I loved you, why, how could you do this to me?"

"I'm sorry," I cried. "Embry I'm so, so sorry."

He shrugged and pulled the door closed behind him.

"Embry," I cried, "Come back."

I stared at the front door silently willing him to walk back through it. My vision swam behind a veil of tears; acidic bile climbed its way up the back of my throat. I rushed to the kitchen and dry heaved in the sink.

More tears poured down my face, my head felt light and faint. Leaning over the sink I cried, fat tear drops slid down the drain. When I felt all cried out I staggered to the living room and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch. Wrapping it tightly around me I laid down on the couch.

How could this happen? How did I let myself get into this situation? Was I really that weak and selfish that I hurt the one person I loved more than anything in this world?

The sun traveled across the baby blue sky, continuing her journey westward. I closed my eyes willing myself to wake up, hoping this was just one hell of a nightmare. Sometime during the day the front door squeaked open, then slammed shut. I lay on the couch with no idea how much time had passed. I didn't know if it'd been minutes, hours or even days.

Heels clicked on the foyer tile, keys jingled as they hit the ceramic bowl. "Bella?" Rosalie's voice called out in the darkness.

A sob escaped my lips, a hiccup of breath bursting forth from my chapped lips.

Rosalie rushed over, crouching beside me on the floor. "Bella?" she brushed the hair from my face. "Sweetie, what happened?"

I lay there, unable- no, incapable of answering her. It hurt too badly.

"Oh honey what's wrong?"

I cried into the cushion. Embry. What was I going to do without Embry? He'd been there for me since my first day of school in Forks, when Jake was being an asshole and stolen my notebook. He held my hand and walked with me every step of way. He'd been there for me even when I'd been cruel to him, even when I ran off to Jacksonville after he kissed me. Now he was gone.

"Okay," Rosalie said, rubbing my back. "I'm gonna called Embry."

I sobbed harder at the mention of his name. Rosalie pulled her cell phone out. I heard the soft beeping as she dialed his number. The soft ringing of the phone, the rough edge to his voice when he answered; it all came crashing down on me with crystal clear quality.

"Embry? It's Bella-" she stopped and listened. "Oh, okay, sorry I didn't know. Yeah. No, no, I totally understand. I'm um, I'm sorry." She paused, listening to whatever it was he was saying. I heard my name, and Jake's, then he muttered something that I couldn't make out.

Rosalie made a sympathetic noise and said goodbye. She hung up and sank down beside me. "Embry told me what happened." she rubbed my back. "Should I call Jake or Sue?"

"No," I sobbed. "Don't call either of them." I sniffed lamely and looked at her, my eyes puffy. "I'll be okay."

I wasn't. All I wanted to do was cry. The week after the break up, I skipped classes, staying at home, locked in my room. I pulled the curtains shut, thankful that they blocked out all the happy sunshine. I never wanted to be happy again. I pulled the comforter tight around me, cocooning myself in my misery and huddled against headboard, waiting for the pain to alleviate – or my heart to grow numb.

Neither came.

A week turned into two. I cried and I slept. There were nights that I laid in bed, so lost in misery that I tricked myself into believing that Embry was actually laying beside me. I made myself believe that I could hear his steady puffs of breath as he dreamed beside me. I pretended my fluffy pillows were his chest. I would lay my head on them allowing the tears to soak the thin pillowcases.

If I could make this right, if he would at least answer my phone calls, I swore I could make it right, I could make him forget that I'd hurt him. But he never answered. In fact, it wasn't even his number anymore.

It didn't get any easier. By the start of the third week I began contemplating suicide. Anything to make the pain go away.

Instead of relief or acceptance coming, Jake came. He knocked at the door, calling for me to let him in. I ignored him and curled myself into a smaller ball – knees tight against my chest, tears flowing in lazy rivers down my face.

What was the point in opening the door? The last time Jake and I lay in this bed, - _stop it_, I ordered. _What's done is done. You can't take it back, you just have to live with it._

The door knob clicked; it swung open slowly. "Bella? Sweetheart, are you in here?"

The light poured in from the hallway stinging my eyes. I don't know how long it'd been since I'd seen the light. The light hurt; in the dark I was alone. I could be miserable and unhappy and the darkness was my company. The light was too happy, too revealing. It proved I wasn't alone.

"Bella, where are you?" Jake asked again. His tall frame blocked the light. My eyes relaxed and I wished him away. "Bella, come on, you can't stay in here forever."

"Go away, this is all your fault," I sniffled.

Jake crossed the pitch dark room. He sat down on the edge of the bed, the mattress sagging under his weight. "I talked to Embry," he said quietly. "He's pretty mad. He told me to never call him again."

I took a deep breath, shuddering as I exhaled.

"I'm sorry Bella," Jake sighed. He lay down next to me. "I never meant for any of this to happen. This is my fault."

For some reason I had trouble believing that even though I just blamed him for it thirty seconds ago. I slowly let go of my legs. It hurt as I stretched them out. Jake pulled me towards him, my head on his chest I listened to his heart beat.

"It's not your fault," I rasped.

"Yes it is. I knew better but didn't stop it from happening."

"It's all of our faults. Embry ignored me; I turned to you instead of talking to him. We all knew we were wrong, but we did what we did and now we have to live with it."

Jake rubbed my back. This was so fucked up. Four years ago, this would've been Embry lying beside me, telling me everything was gonna be okay. My how the times have changed.

"You know you need to go back to class," Jake told me. "Don't let this ruin everything you've worked for."

"It all seems so pointless now," I said as more tears trailed down my face.

"It's not," Jake said.

But it did seem pointless. I never really cared about going to college, but it had been paid for; everything had been paid for. One of those things Phil did just because he could. I had a college fund, a trust fund, a living fund. It was just ridiculous. I had more money than any twenty-two year old should have.

I sighed and shoved my hands through my hair and stared at the ceiling.

"Why would you quit now?" Jake asked. "You're so close to being done. Finish school Bells, if you don't you'll regret it as long as you live."

I rolled over, resting my head on Jake's chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. It was amazing. Three weeks ago we had crazy hot sex right here, in this room, in this bed, and nothing changed. If it wasn't for my broken heart you'd never know anything had ever happened. What _had_ happened? I mean, we had sex, he said he wanted me, but what did that mean? Did he just want me then, or had he wanted me all this time?

And why was he here now? Why did he drive three hours to see me?

"Jake…" I let my voice trail off.

He looked down at me but did not say a word. I needed to know what the hell we were doing, what was going on between us.

"What are we doing?" I finally asked after a moment of heavy silence.

The weight of my words hung in the air around us, lingering in the atmosphere as Jake contemplated his response.

"I…I really don't know Bella. We're friends, good friends for sure and we've been friends for a long time now, I'd hate to see that change because of one indiscretion. What I'm saying is I don't want to lose your friendship, and I really hope I don't, but I mean I guess it's really up to you. We can stay friends if you want, or I can leave right now and you'll never hear from me again. It's whatever you want, just say the word."

I stared up at him, amazed. Here was this person whose friendship lay in ruins, partly because of me, and he would understand if I never wanted to see him again. "I'd like things to stay the same Jake. You're always here for me, and I appreciate that more than you know. If things, mainly our relationship, can stay the same that would be awesome, but if it ever gets to be too much and we can't handle it, well then I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

"Okay." That was all he said as he resumed rubbing my back. The ache in my chest dulled a bit as I lay there cradled in his arms.

Some things stay the same even when everything changes. I took comfort in that thought; that even though my relationship with Embry had finally gone down the drain and we were no more, I still had Jake. I still had my friend.

I dozed off. When I woke up, the curtains were pulled back. Awesome November sun beamed into the room, illuminating it for the first time in weeks. From where I lay, I could see the leaves on the trees outside. They had turned from their summery green to autumnal hues of orange and red.

I rolled out of bed slowly. My vision swam, my head was faint and my stomach rumbled. I went pee then went all survivor girl on the refrigerator.

As I scavenged the fridge, I looked around wondering where Jake was. I pulled a couple of plastic bowls out of the fridge, then closed it. That's when I saw the note taped to the center of the stainless steel door.

_Hey Bells, I had to get back to school. Big game this weekend so if you're up to it, it would mean a lot if you came. If not, I totally get it. Now please, go to class. See you later, Jake._

I smiled at the note, the expression felt strange after so many days of misery.

I had mixed emotions about going back to classes, the game. Part of me wanted to sit in my room and be miserable, then another part of me wanted to scream "fuck it" as loud as I could to the star studded heavens above – that part of me wanted to be happy.

As I stood there shoving a week's worth of different leftovers down my throat I felt schizophrenic, or maybe it was bi-polar. Happy one minute, miserable the next.

I was sick of crying, of always having a reason to cry. I slept with Jake. It happened and it sucked, well not really, the aftermath sucked, but what's done is done. I couldn't take it back, couldn't change it, so the only option left was to live with it.

So I did. I called Jake later that afternoon and told him I would be at the game. I could hear him smile into the phone when I told him.

I went back to class the next day and before I knew it the week was over and it was Friday. I packed a bag that afternoon after class and drove the three very long, very boring hours to Tallahassee. That night I sat in the stands with the thousands of other Seminoles fans.

The night was cool, the warm weather had finally given way to the cooler temperatures of winter, and the crowd was excited. Clemson kicked the ball off at seven thirty and the game got underway.

At half-time the Seminoles were down by fourteen points. I saw Jake's face as he marched off the field. He looked pissed; the pinched expression drew his eyebrows up making him look like Bert from Sesame Street.

With the start of the second half, the Seminoles had their heads in the game and quickly closed the gap in scores.

At the start of the fourth quarter they were down by a field goal with two and a half minutes left, twenty yards to go until they were within field goal range.

The clocked ticked down with agonizing speed as the Seminoles marched down the field. The kicker took the field, fifty four seconds blazed on the clock. The crowd held its breath in giddy anticipation. Could he make the play, score the field goal that would throw the whole game into overtime?

I sat on the edge of my seat, fingers crossed, willing Jake to make the right play. The count was called, the center snapped the ball and instead of setting it up for a field goal, Jake held onto the ball. He took two steps back, looking for the intended receiver.

Clemson, however, anticipated this move. The defensive back charged toward Jake trying to sack him. I held my breath as the two collided. Jake went down, a crumpled heap of garnet and gold on the football field.

He yelled out from his place on the ground. I bolted out of my seat and rushed toward the field calling his name.

Whistles blew as trainers and refs piled onto the field. Commentator's voices echoed over the still stadium. I couldn't get to Jake. I stood there, helpless as the stretcher rushed onto the field and Jake was helped onto it.

He was favoring his throwing shoulder, and from all the commotion on the field I knew it was bad. I ran up to one of the event coordinators patrolling the edge of the field in their neon yellow jackets.

A burly man with graying red hair stopped me. "Miss, you can't go on the field," he said as he placed an arm on mine.

I pointed to Jake. "Is he okay?"

The coordinator looked over his shoulder. "I'm not sure miss, but the trainers will do everything they can to make sure he's going to be okay."

The trainer and the offensive coach walked by me. "Jake," I called. "Jake, oh my god, are you okay?"

Jake turned his head toward me and smiled feebly. "Bella," he croaked. The coach waved me toward him. The man in the yellow jacket stepped aside and let me.

"Thanks," I called over my shoulder as I rushed toward Jake. "Oh my god. Are you okay?" I asked when I reached his side.

He groaned, "It's my damn shoulder. Seventy seven hit me pretty damn hard. I heard it pop. Russ is gonna take a look at it. Come on."

The stretcher creaked down the long concrete hallway. The coach held the door open and Jake slid off the stretcher and hobbled into the trainer's office. I took a seat along the wall and out of the way. The trainer helped Jake out of his jersey.

I gasped when they removed his pads. Jake's shoulder was visibly injured, bone pressed against skin, tight and white over the injury. I looked away, feeling my stomach roll.

"This is bad," Russ, the trainer, said.

Jake nodded. I think it was obvious that his injury was bad. He hissed, his face turning bright red as the trainer did his thing, which looked like he was hurting Jake more than anything.

"We're going to need to get you to the hospital and get x-rays. But my best guess is a shoulder separation."

"What does that mean?" I asked from my perch along the wall.

Russ turned and gazed at me. "It means Jake's season, and very well possibly his career, is over. I won't know more until we get the x-rays done."

Tears filled my eyes. Football meant the world to him, not being able to play anymore was going to be tough on him. Jake sighed, visibly upset.

"I'm going to get the van ready and we'll head to the hospital," Russ said and left the room.

I went to Jake's side. "Are you okay? Does it hurt badly?"

Jake nodded his head, up and down.

"Well don't worry, you'll be fine," I assured him, though I didn't believe the weight of my own words.

"Thanks Bella. I appreciate you being here."

I sat down beside him, careful not to jostle his shoulder. "Of course I'd be here. You're my friend. We'll get through this together."

We sat together in easy silence for a while longer until Russ came back and announced the car was here. He helped Jake off the examination table; I followed them back down the dank concrete hallway as we headed off to learn the fate of Jake's future.

**Reviews are better than getting busted for cheating on your boyfriend...**

**"Consoler of the Lonely" by The Raconteurs**


	11. Change the World

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

I just wanted to tell you all,real quick, that the updates for this story are going to be like, everyday. so keep an eye out. and yeah, I hope you enjoy it.

**BPOV**

I hated hospitals. Bad things always happened when you were in a hospital. After the trainer loaded Jake into the van we drove to the hospital where they x-rayed his shoulder.

The doctor that did the x-ray looked at Jake as he set the pictures on the light board attached to the wall. "Just as I suspected," he murmured, turning to look at Jake. "It's a grade three separation. See how the ligaments are completely torn? You're going to need surgery and extensive physical therapy."

The surgery took two hours longer than it should have. That was two hours that I spent pacing back and forth taking fifteen steps to the left, turning, and going back fourteen. The doctors had assured me this was routine surgery; that Jake would be fine, but when something that is only supposed to take six hours takes eight, you start to worry.

But, like the doctor said, he made it out of surgery okay.

The strong smell of antiseptic floated in the air as a custodian dragged his squeaky mop bucket across the freshly swabbed floor. I glanced out the door watching the nurses at the station gossiping over doctors. I wondered if Jake's father, or anyone from his family, was going to show up.

I turned the television on and flipped through the channels. The steady beeping of hospital equipment was going to drive me batty. I glanced up at the clock on the wall above the door for the sixth time in an hour. It was only four minutes later than the last time I'd looked. In his bed Jake moaned.

I glanced down at him. He was still asleep in his bed, a multitude of wires and tubes shot out of the top of his hospital gown. Jake moaned again then was quiet. I turned the television off and glanced at him. I hoped he'd be okay until the morning. I picked up my purse and headed back to the hotel for the night, exhausted.

I woke up the next morning, still tired but ready to see Jake. I got out of the comfortable hotel bed and took a quick shower. In the room my cell phone rang. It was most likely Sue. She called pretty much every hour on the hour to find out how Jake was. I ignored the call and got out of the shower.

As I was drying my hair my stomach rolled, my mouth watered. I leaned over and threw up in the sink. I grabbed a plastic cup off the counter and filled it with some water, then rinsed my mouth still feeling a little nauseous.

I looked in the mirror, taking in my appearance. I looked like I hadn't slept in a few days. I felt that way too. Now that I thought about it I was tired all the damn time lately. But other than that I had a sort of glow about me.

I shrugged it off and dressed, anxious to head back to the hospital. I called Sue back on my way there."How is Jake?" she asked in lieu of a greeting.

I smiled as I steered the car onto the highway. "He was still out last night when I left. I'm heading back now."

"That's good. Surgery went well?"

"Yes. The doctors said they repaired the ligament and fixed the other thing, I can't remember how it's pronounced, but they said he should be fine. He probably won't ever play football again, at least not professionally. I don't really want to be there when they tell him that."

"It's going to break his heart isn't it?" she asked.

"Probably. But that's life isn't it, adapting to the setbacks and finding ways to overcome them."

"Well look who went and got all grown up on us," Sue laughed. "You're absolutely right. Life throws you curve balls and you need to find ways to overcome them."

The hospital loomed ahead. I slowed down and signaled before turning into the parking structure. Tallahassee Memorial Hospital was a massive building that covered a four block radius in the heart of Tallahassee. Its parking garage was a cavernous space that was too easy to get lost in.

I pulled into a vacant spot and got out of the car. "Okay, well Mom, I'm at the hospital so I'm going to let you go. Once I know something I'll let you know."

"Alright sweetie. Give Jake a kiss from your father and me."

"Will do. Bye."

I hung up and crossed the lot to the bank of elevators at the north end. The plastic call button was blackened from years of exposure to the elements and exhaust. I pushed it then wiped my finger on the leg of my jeans. I tapped my foot impatiently. My pants were uncomfortable, hell I was just plain uncomfortable. They felt tight, not by much, but enough for me to notice. _Maybe I'm bloated_, I thought.

The elevators doors shook open and I stepped into the dim carriage pushing the button marked with a large black three.

The elevator made the slow ascent to the third floor, stopping on the second to pick up a woman pushing an umbrella stroller, a grinning toddler strapped in. I smiled at the baby who gave me a big toothy grin. The elevator continued its slow ascent, stopping at the third floor where I disembarked.

The hallways were busy with nurses and doctors coming and going in every direction. Machines beeped and people were carrying bouquets of flowers and balloons. I went into Jake's room. He was sitting up, the television turned to Sports Center. He smiled at me as I came through the door, turning off the TV.

"Hey!" I exclaimed, surprised to see him awake.

"Morning. Wow would you look at you. You look…radiant."

I smiled. "I'm just glad your okay. How do you feel?"

"Like I'll never play football again," he said and the smile faded from my face.

"They told you?" I pulled the chair closer to his bed and sat down, the button of my jeans digging into my stomach.

Jake nodded. "The doctor just left. He said that I might not be able to play, even after the physical therapy."

"I'm sorry," I said.

Jake made a face. "It is what it is," he said and picked up the remote.

"Doesn't mean you have to like it," I replied.

"Yeah I know, but I can't sit here and sulk. Just gotta keep focusing on the positive, you know?"

I nodded and leaned back to watch as Sports Center showed a clip about Jake's replacement, some junior named Jasper Hale. Jake flipped through the channels before stopping on Comedy Central where some extremely obese man in a leather jacket and ridiculously sparkly crucifix was making fun of a retarded kid he knew as a child. Jake laughed half-heartedly. I smiled, unable to help it; once he stopped making fun of mentally disabled people the guy was funny.

"Do you know when they're letting you out of here?" I asked during a commercial break.

"Saturday," Jake replied.

"That's good." I turned my attention back to the television and laughed along with Jake for the better part of the morning.

I left at lunch time to go get something to eat. The nausea returned on my way back to the hospital. I sat beside Jake's bed feeling queasy. He looked over at me as I groaned for the tenth time in the last five minutes.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I shrugged, my stomach clenched. I flew out of the chair and into the bathroom. He was looking at me strangely when I came back.

"What?" I asked as I sat down.

"Nothing. You okay?"

"Yeah, I just haven't been feeling good lately. I think I might need to go see a doctor or something. I think I might be coming down with the flu."

I stayed in Tallahassee until Jake got out of the hospital, then I went back home. The cold winter air had finally settled down in the city. I pulled all my sweaters out of storage and excitedly got ready for the oncoming winter.

A week later I was still battle the flu, or something. Whatever it was, I wasn't getting better so I made a doctor's appointment for later in week. As the days before my appointment passed I called Jake every day to check on him, went to classes and helped Rosalie plan her spring wedding.

She and Emmett were getting married, then he was joining the Marine Corp. She was sad that he would be going off to Parris Island and she wouldn't see him for three months, but it was what he wanted so she went along with it.

The morning of my doctor's appointment it was raining. I groaned as I trudged through the flooded parking lot and into the overly warm doctor's office. The receptionist smiled at me and took all my information. I sat down in the empty lobby and waited for my doctor.

A few minutes later a nurse in pale purple scrubs called me back. I followed her down the short hallway where she weighed me, then wrote the number down in my chart. She motioned for me to follow her to an exam room. I grabbed my shoes and trudged behind her as she made idle chit chat.

"How are you doing today?"

I shrugged as I slid onto the exam table. "I've been better," I admitted.

"What's been going on?" she asked as she sat down on a stool. She clicked her pen repeatedly, the click, click, click was annoying, like nails on a chalkboard. I wanted to snatch the pen out of her perfectly manicured hand and throw it across the room.

I explained about being sick, throwing up, the never ending tiredness. The nurse nodded, scribbling all this down in the folder.

"When was your last menstrual cycle?"

I stared at her. "Huh?"

"Your last period. When was it?"

"It was…" I trailed off trying to remember. It was a week before Christmas. I counted back, trying to remember if I had one in November. Maybe, I don't know. I wasn't exactly the poster child for regularity and then there was all that "let me stay in bed because I'm a dumbass and cheated on my boyfriend," business.

I looked at the nurse who looked at me expectantly. "Well?"

I shrugged. "I can't remember. Last month was…well, let's just say it was a mess."

The nurse shook her head disapprovingly. "Bella, we need to get you a pregnancy test."

I gaped at her in horror. "Pregnant?! You think I'm pregnant?!"

She shrugged. "We'll draw some blood and see, but if you've been ill and can't remember when your last period was, well you could be pregnant."

The nurse wrote something in the chart then left the room. She paused at the door. "I'm going to send Rosanna in, she'll take some blood. Sit tight, okay?"

I nodded and looked around at all the posters on the wall. A few minutes later there was a soft knock at the door. "Come in," I said.

The door opened and another nurse in Hello Kitty scrubs poked her head in. "Hi, I'm Rosanna. I'm going to draw some blood."

I nodded and tried to relax. Rosanna set up a needle and a long, cylindrical tube up on a metal tray beside the exam table.

I looked away while she poked and prodded my arm. Blood was so not my thing. It smelled bad and made me want to vomit.

"Okay, all done," Rosanna chirped and stuck a band aid to my arm. "We'll let you know."

* * *

I sat in my car overlooking the river. The gray water frothed angrily as it sped south toward Lake Okeechobee. I wiped tears from my eyes. _How could this happen to me. No, wait, how could I have been stupid enough to let this happen to me._

I didn't know what to do.

I leaned across the front seat and grabbed my purse, searching frantically for my phone. I found it, clutching it in my shaky palm I dialed the only person I could think of.

"Hello?"

"Mom?"

"Bella? What's wrong?" Sue's voice asked frantically.

Tears streamed down my face. All these tears I'd cried over the last month or so, you'd think I'd be all cried out by now. How could I tell her this? She was going to be so disappointed, her and Charlie both.

"Bella?"

"I'm sorry, I'm still here."

"What's wrong sweetheart?" Sue asked.

"I'm pregnant," I whispered.

"What?"

"I'm pregnant," I said a little louder this time.

Silence crackled over the line. Sue didn't say anything. I nervously chewed on my fingernail while I waited for some response.

"Mom?"

"I'm still here sweetheart. I'm just trying to process what you just told me."

"I'm sorry," I said automatically. "I didn't mean for it to happen."

"Oh sweetheart, don't apologize. Its life. These things happen."

I snorted. "No they don't."

"It's a baby Bella, not the end of the world," Sue said practically. "It's not like your life is over."

"It might as well be," I replied.

"Oh knock it off," Sue snapped. "Stop this whole poor, poor pitiful me act. You have options. There is this wonderful thing called adoption, if you don't want to keep your baby I'm sure there are others out there who would love to have a baby. So just stop it. Get some rest and mull it over for a few days. It will all be fine."

I hung up and drove home. I sat the at the kitchen table, stunned. That's how Rosalie found me. She sat across from me, her hand in mine. She kept repeating, "It'll be okay, it'll be alright," over and over again.

It was starting to drive me mad. I sat there, my mind reeling. I had no idea what I was going to do. How was I going to tell Jake? Oh god, Jake. As if he hadn't enough shit happen to him lately, now this.

I looked up at Rosalie; her doe brown eyes peered back at me. "What are you going to do?"

I shrugged. "I don't know," I said in a small voice.

"Um, can I ask you something and you promise not to get mad?"

I stared at Rosalie wondering if I wanted to know what she was about to ask. I swallowed hard and nodded.

"Um, whose baby is it?"

My mouth dropped. "What do you mean, who's baby is it?"

"Well," Rosalie said. "You were sleeping with Embry, then that thing with Jake happened. So could it belong to either one of them, right?"

I shook my head no. "Embry and I, it couldn't be. It's been too long, and I was fine until after I slept with Jake. Its gotta be Jake's."

Rosalie looked at me. "Then you gotta tell him," she said somberly. "He should know."

"But…"

"He needs, no deserves, to know."

I waited until after Christmas to call Jake. I looked back at all the crap that had been going on over the last few months, hell years. It was just ridiculous. My life was like one of those lame ass soap operas that pollute daytime television. Did shit like this really happen to real people? I wondered. No, probably not, I decided.

The day after Christmas I called Jake. He'd gone home to Forks to see his dad and sisters. He asked me to come, but I opted to stay in Florida. That morning I calmly dialed his cell phone and waited for him to answer.

"Hey Bella," he said.

"Hi. How's your Christmas going?"

"Good, good. How are you?"

"I'm, uh," I took a deep breath, readying myself. "I'm, well I've been better."

"Uh oh. Is everything okay?"

I shook my head no, then remembered he couldn't see me. "No, not really."

"Want to tell me about it?"

"I think it's one of those things better talked about face to face," I said.

"Oh. Well, if you think you can wait, I'll be home day after tomorrow. I can change my flight to stop in Jacksonville if you like."

"No," I protested. "I'll come out there."

"Are you sure?"

I weighed the pros and cons of each. Going there would give me time to think, to figure out what I was going to say and how I was going to tell him he was going to be a father.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'll come out this weekend."

"Okay, see you then."

The weekend came; I drove through the lush countryside, the radio playing softly. I wasn't listening to it; my mind was preoccupied role playing the way this situation could play out.

I could just blurt it out and see how it played out, or I could ease into it. Either way this news was going to rock his world. We were friends and now we were going to be parents. It was all so surreal.

The drive went faster than I liked and I crossed the city line around noon. I stopped for lunch, prolonging the inevitable just a bit longer.

I got to his dorm room a little after one and nervously knocked on the door. Jake opened it and hugged me with arm, his right arm still in a sling.

"How are you?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I'm okay. How's the arm?" I asked pointing at his shoulder.

"It hurts like hell, and physical therapy starts next week. I'm not looking forward to that, but I gotta go."

I nodded. How was I going to tell him this? I abandoned all thought of my grand plans and sat down on the edge of his bed.

"Bella are you okay?" Jake asked sitting down next to me.

"Yeah Jake. I'm alright. Let's go for a walk, I need some fresh air."

We walked out of the dorm and into the fresh winter air. Heading down the sidewalk we walked toward the stadium. It looked huge and majestic in the distance. "So what's up? How's school?"

"School is good. I'm ready to be done. I can't believe we only have five more months left. It seems like just yesterday we started."

Jake nodded. "Tell me about it. It went by so fast."

I saw a bench ahead. I touched Jakes arm lightly. "Let's sit," I suggested.

We both sat, I leaned back and clasped my hands in my lap. "I have to tell you something," I said lightly, not meeting his gaze.

"Okay," Jake said slowly.

"I don't know how to begin. I never, in a million years, thought I'd be here and I don't want you to think I didn't this on purpose and if you never want to see me again I guess I'd completely understand."

"Bella, what the hell are you talking about? What's going on?"

I took a deep breath and looked up at him, more tears spilled from my eyes –god damn tears- and said with a shaky breath, "I'm pregnant."

Jake opened his mouth but no sound came out. He sputtered, unable to form words. His eyebrows were arched high, his eyes wide with surprise.

"You – what- I- no, how?" he stuttered.

I shrugged, feeling the weight of his denial weight heavy on my shoulders. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I never meant for this to happen."

Jake scooted closer to me then pulled me closer to him. "Bella, I'm sorry. I, wow, I don't even know what to say. My god, I'm so sorry. What are we going to do?"

I shrugged again, at a complete loss. "Jake – I, I don't even know. I wish I knew what to do." I ran my hand through my hair. "I can't believe this is happening."

Jake rubbed my back. "We'll figure this out. It'll be okay. We're almost done with school. If you can make it, I'll move to Jacksonville, I'll get a job and we'll make this work. You don't have to worry about anything. It will all be okay. Okay?"

I nodded, allowing the relief to wash over me. Why was I so scared? I should've known that Jake would be totally supportive. I shouldn't have been surprised. "I think we can do this. I'm so sorry," I repeated again.

Jake wiped the tears away with the pad of his thumb. "Why are you sorry?"

"I just never meant for this to happen. I feel like I've ruined your life."

Jake grabbed my face with his good hand and turned it so I was looking in his eyes. It was like looking at the sun, it hurt to look at.

"You have not ruined my life. You have, quite possibly, just given me something to look forward too. God closed a window when I injured my shoulder, but he may very have just opened a door. We'll get through this. I don't know how exactly at this moment, but somehow, we'll get through this."

**Reviews are better than all the redonkulous drama going on in this here fic, seriously, they are**

Change the World – This Beautiful Republic (chapter title)


	12. Friends, Lovers, or Nothing?

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**I have a chapter from Embry's pov..its kind of his take on the last few months and all that's happened...do you want to read it or should we shove embry off into the aether? Let me know..and as promised..here's your update for the day.  
**

**Bella**

New Year's Eve Jake and I were sitting in the living room, John Mayer pouring out of the laptop, darkness settled softly in the corners of the room. On the coffee table candle light flickered, the soft scent of vanilla and mint released into the air.

I wrapped the blanket tighter around my shoulders and snuggled closer to Jake who always seemed to be a few degrees warmer. Some drunken idiot hit a power transformer after a high speed chase that left half the city cloaked in darkness.

A glass of flavored water sat on the table, the carbonated bubbles caught the candle lights as they shivered to the top of the glass.

It was oddly relaxing – having no connection to the outside world; no telephone, internet, or TV. I curled in even closer to Jake and closed my eyes, already sleepy and it was barely ten o'clock. Being pregnant kind of sucked that way.

On the computer, the bluesy, seductive wail of John's guitar swelled, taking me some place far away from where I was. And the song, god I wanted to laugh; _Friends, Lovers, or Nothing_.

I opened my eyes and glanced up at Jake. He had his head back, eyes closed. I wondered what _we_ were. Friends, lovers, or nothing; well not that nothing was really an option. We were going to be parents in six short months.

I swallowed hard. The thought, being a parent, being responsible for someone else's life, scared me. I was twenty-two. I could barely take care of myself, was I really responsible enough to be a parent? Sue's voice filled my mind. "Ready or not that baby is coming. It's not going to care if you're twenty-two or forty two. What are you two doing?"

At the time I hadn't had an answer for her; I still didn't. Truthfully, I had no idea _what_ we were doing. Over the last few weeks we'd skirted the issue expertly, refusing to label whatever it was we were doing. The only plans we'd made thus far was to raise the baby, but that was it.

The song ended and a new one began some pop jingle that totally ruined the mood from its very first synthesized cord. I leaned forward and silenced the sickeningly sweet music. An old Sade song came on and sent my already roaring hormones into over drive.

I sighed and clicked to go to the next song. Satisfied it was listenable I leaned back against Jake. He opened an eye and lazily ran his fingers through my hair. "I might have a job lined up out here after graduation," he said.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Coach says there's a junior football league that needs a coach. I'm going to call them after the breaks over and see about setting up an interview."

"Jake, that's great," I said. He didn't look too happy, then again what was there to be happy about? He wanted to play in the NFL, not coach a bunch of kids. It could hardly compare.

He didn't say anything, just leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He looked as exhausted as I felt. A few minutes later he started to snore softly.

I snickered quietly and tugged on his hand. Jake shot forward, eyes wide, and scowled; "I fell asleep, didn't I?"

I nodded and stood up. "Only for a minute, come on, let's go to bed."

Jake got up and went to the front door to check the locks. I leaned down and blew out the candles. The light sputtered out, acrid smoke filtered out of the glass votives and up into the air. Jake shuffled toward me and the two of us headed down the hall. He ducked into the bathroom to change and brush his teeth. While he was in there I quickly changed into my pajamas and climbed into bed.

I know how this looks.

Really, I do.

But our relationship was strictly platonic, and it was nice to have the company. Nights were always the loneliest; the hardest, and always long, so if I chose to spend them listening to Jake's heartbeat rather than the shrill sound of silence, well then so what.

I was almost asleep when the bathroom door opened. I opened an eye and rolled over, anxious to be warm again. Not to mention sleeping with him was sort of like sleeping next to some Indian God.

I was attracted to him, which was odd because I still missed Embry fiercely. But I was starting to notice that with every passing day my connection to Embry faded and the connection to Jake grew stronger.

I blamed it, mostly, on the baby. I hear they do crazy things to people – and their emotions – and figured my feelings for Jake were just a byproduct of my errant hormones.

Beside me Jake slid into bed, the sheets rustling as he moved over them. He lay down, wrapping one arm around me, the other behind his head. He sighed once, then again. I lay my head on his chest listening to his rapid heartbeat as it slowed to a lazy sleepy beat lulling me to sleep. I closed my eyes and drifted, like a wave returning to the shore, my heart content.

The power was back on when we woke up the next morning. In the living room the television, namely Joy Bernhardt, was cackling with hennish delight, most like over some sort of "that's what she said," type of moments.

I groaned and rolled over, not quite ready to get up just yet. The sheets were cool as I ran my hand over the vacant space beside me. I pushed myself up on my forearm and looked around for Jake. Behind me, the toilet flushed and the bathroom door opened. He walked out looking surprised to see me awake.

I smiled as he hustled back to bed, hopping in and wrapping his arms around me. "So I have a crazy question," he said as he pushed a strand of hair out of my face.

I stared up at him groggily. It was too damn early for crazy questions and meaningful conversations. It wasn't, however, too early for mind blowing sex. My mind wandered momentarily as I reminisced about that night

_The one that put you in this situation in the first place, _my mind said sarcastically.

Oh, right.

For the umpteenth time I revisited that night, wondering again what the hell I was thinking. Why hadn't we used protection? I couldn't even remember if I asked him too. That night was a hazy fog composed of random flashes of memory, clothes strewn around the room, Jake's lips on mine, the words he whispered, the way he –

"Bella?"

I looked at him. "Sorry," I murmured, my face flushing.

"Did you hear what I asked?"

I shook my head no, bangs falling in my eyes. Those were a bad idea. Never get bangs, they suck; takes like ten minutes to blow dry, then you have to flat iron them. Seriously, bad idea.

Jake pushed the hair out of my face again, and repeated his question, "What do you think about getting married?"

My jaw dropped as I stared at him. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Um, no." he looked confused like he couldn't understand my surprise.

Speechless. I was freaking speechless. He wanted to get married – to me. "Jake, I – I mean, we – it's not like that with us. I mean, this sucks as it is, do you really want to get married because of a baby?"

"I just figured it would be the right thing to do," he said with a shrug. "I mean, I care a lot about you, maybe even…" he trailed off.

My heart beat, a jack hammer against my ribs. "Maybe even what?" I asked my voice barely audible.

He swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbed up and down in his throat. He pinned those brown eyes on me. "I love you," he said boldly.

My heart did a cartwheel in my chest, then another. "Jake…"

"Come on Bella. Look at the last few years. Didn't you ever wonder why I was so willing to always come out here, even though it was so far? I came to see you. Well I came to see Embry too, but the real reason was you and it killed me to see Embry treat you so badly and it killed me to have to hear you cry over him when all I wanted to do was tell you to leave him."

I stared at him, stunned. I never knew, never even suspected, he had a thing for me. I figured after our breakup in high school, the one where we vowed to remain friends, that that was all we'd ever be – really good friends.

"Jake, I don't know what to say. I don't want to say yes, then do that whole rebound thing, and I don't want to get married just because I'm pregnant. I mean, I care about you, a lot...it's just…"

"Okay," he said cutting me off. "Then let's try the couple thing. We might as well anyways, I'm always here, we sleep together, in the literal sense of the word, we do all the things couples do, just without all the labels and bullshit explanations. Be my girlfriend and we'll see where it goes."

I mulled it over. It was a good proposition, Jake was a good guy, surely I could grow to love him, couldn't I? After all I was carrying his child. Slowly I nodded my head. "Okay. We'll try, see where it goes. But I'm not making any promises. And no expectations."

He agreed, and we fell into this easy pattern over the following weeks. Phone calls at night, trips to a little hotel halfway between our two cities. Jake never brought up marriage again after that first time. As the weeks of January pressed on, my formerly petite waistline expanded bit by bit forcing me to make that first solo trip to the maternity store in the mall.

I walked past it twice, tentatively looking – well more like gawking, inside as I went by. The whole time I reasoned that my pants weren't really _that_ tight. I could probably go another month or two before I'd really need maternity clothes.

So I kept walking, making a pregnant bee line for the bathroom. When I went to re-button my pants the waist band dug in uncomfortably. I wondered how Id even gotten them buttoned in the first place. I sighed as the button slid through the hole and realized I was kidding myself. My pants were already too tight; waiting another month or so would be torturous.

So I left the bathroom and made the trek back to the maternity store. Third time's a charm; I walked through the doors, exhaling loudly. The first thing my eyes landed on was a fuchsia cowl neck sweater. I grabbed it off the rack amazed that they made a maternity shirt that cute.

I looked around, my eyes taking in all the cute clothes. I felt like I just stepped into heaven, before this I'd figured I was going to be kleptoing all of Jake's sweats for the next five months.

I was browsing a rack of long sleeved tees hits when a very pregnant woman bumped into me from behind. I turned and returned her apologetic smile.

"Sorry," she said.

"Oh it's okay. You'd think they'd make these rows bigger." We both laughed. "How far along are you?" I asked motioned her swollen stomach.

"Five and a half months," she said, a smile tugging at the side of her lips. "With twins. You?"

I ran my hands over my barely-there baby bump and said, "Almost four months. Sex unknown."

The woman eyed my stomach critically. "It's going to be a boy," she finally announced.

"How do you know?" I asked skeptically.

She shrugged, "I already have three kids, all boys. You have that look, the one that says "I'm the mother of a boy."" She laughed and picked up a sweater off the rack. "I'm Alice," she said, offering me her hand.

I shook it, smiling. "Bella. Nice to meet you."

I spent the next forty five minutes shopping with Alice. She seemed like a sweetheart and invited me to lunch after our shopping trip. We went to the food court and grabbed a slice of pizza, which gave me a wicked case of heartburn – but it was so worth it, the delicious real mozzarella cheese and greasy pepperoni was like heaven after a walk through hell.

There's this funny thing about being pregnant, yeah random stranger put their mitts all over your stomach and feel you up, but it's this giddy feeling. Each month that goes by and you see your stomach getting bigger, then the baby starts moving. The first time I felt mine move was the night before my ultrasound, during the fifth month.

Jake was here, we were laying –well I was laying, he was sitting, on the couch watching _Cops_ when suddenly this strange sensation tickled my tummy then a tiny foot pressed against my stomach.

I gasped and pulled my shirt up. Jake looked over, and together the two of us took in the sight of a tiny foot pressing against my stomach. Jake jumped up, running for the camera, but by the time he got back Pea, as we'd taken to calling the baby, was done showing off.

As we lay in bed that night, we talked about what to name our baby. When I told him of Alice's prediction, he laughed and said, "I should be so lucky."

I shrugged and told him anything was possible. "So if it is a boy what would you want to name him?"

Jake shrugged. "I always liked Nathan," he said.

I made a face. "I don't really like that. How about Ben?"

Jake shook his head no. "We could name him after my great-grandfather," he suggested.

"What was your great-grandfather's name?"

"Arthur," he stated.

I gaped at him, "Are you serious? That's a horrible name."

"How about Avery?"

I cocked my head to the side, thinking it over. Avery. "I like it, but he'd need a middle name, too."

Jake nodded. "Avery Nicolas. How's that sound?"

I turned the name over in my mind. Avery Nicolas Black. It sounded…right, like it was three names meant to be together. "I like it," I told Jake.

"Good," he said and he settled himself into the pillows. "That's his name then."

I laughed softly in the darkness. "Hey Jake?" I asked from where I lay, head on his chest.

"Hmm?" The sound rumbled across his chest cavity.

"What if it's a girl?"

"Bridget Elizabeth Black," he said.

"Okay." I liked it.

"That's it; you're not going to fight me on it?"

"Nope. I like it. But I have the feeling that Alice's right and its going to be a boy."

And she was. A squirt of cold, blue goo and the wave of an ultrasound wand confirmed what I knew all along. I smiled up at Jake who stood by my head holding my hand. "It's going to be a boy. Say hi to Avery."

His eyes teared up as he started at the image of the baby swaying in his sack of protective amniotic fluid.

I asked the doctor for a couple of print outs, and made Jake stop at the post office so I could send them home to Sue and Charlie.

After the doctor's office, Jake took me home so I could shower, then we had to go see Phil and Renee's lawyer. Their house had been standing vacant for six years. I hadn't known what I wanted to do with it, so it just stood there overlooking the river. Now that my future had a definition I, as well Phil's lawyer – a pudgy, red faced man in his late forties by the name of Albert Shone – wanted to know what I was going to do with it.

Jake and I went by a few days ago. I wanted to show him the house, and part of me wanted to go back there again. Jake whistled softly as I pulled into the circular driveway.

"This is where you lived?" he asked in amazement as he stared at the mini McMansion before us.

I shrugged and got out of the car. "Yeah. It's not that great, you know, all things considered."

Jake nodded and followed me to the front door. I unlocked it and the oak door swung inward soundlessly.

"Bells, this place is insane," Jake said, his voice echoing off the empty walls. "God, look at that fireplace." He went to the kitchen, stopping at the French doors he stared down the path at the sparkling blue water of the lagoon shaped pool. "Is that where-" he stopped not wanting to finish his question, ashamed of his morbid curiosity.

I nodded and closed my eyes. I saw the shattered pieces of glass tumblers lying on the kitchen floor, glittering in the early morning sun, flashes of Phil floating face down in the pool. "I want to go," I gasped and rushed out of the kitchen. My sneakers squeaked on the hardwood floor as I rushed toward the front door.

After we left I told Jake I didn't want it. I didn't want to keep it, didn't want to live there. He clasped my hand and said he thought it would be best to just sell it, use the money to buy our own house.

So I told Albert I wanted to sell it. He handed me some papers to fill out and sign. I sat in the plush leather chairs opposite his desk and signed the papers. He looked them over and handed me the business card of a prominent real estate agent, giving me specific instructions to see her as soon as possible.

I thanked him and Jake and I left. As we walked back to the car Jake said, "Are you really sure you want to sell the house?"

I nodded and slipped into the car. He shut the door and went around the car. "The house," I said as he got in, "I couldn't live there even if I wanted to. I mean, every time the door bell rang I'd open the door and see the cops and Jim Phelps standing there telling me there's been an accident. Anytime I'd go into the kitchen id see the trail of broken glass and Phil floating face down in the pool." I shuddered, the images fresh in my mind, vivid, like a horrible nightmare that never went away. "I couldn't do it. I'd rather just buy a modest house in a quiet little suburb and face the future rather than live surrounded by the past."

Jake nodded. "I understand. So we're going to see the real estate lady?"

"Yup, a woman by the name of Irina Williams." I gave him the address to Ms. Williams' real estate office.

She was a giant of a woman with ice white hair and a red painted slash of lipstick that was a sharp comparison to her pale skin. She greeted us as we walked into her office, her three inch snakeskin Prada stilettos clicked on the tiled floor. She stuck out her hand introducing herself. I told her my name and what I was here for and the woman's eyes light up like a Christmas tree.

"You want to sell that property?" she asked slowly, making very sure I knew what I wanted.

I wanted to shake her and ask her if she knew what happened there. Instead I shook my head up and down, yes, very slowly. I sat and watched as Irina Williams tallied up her commission once the house was sold. It would be an astronomical number. The house was worth a fortune; it sat, quite literally, on the river. It had its own dock and everything.

I looked Irina Williams in the eye. "What are you going to list it at?" I asked.

She seemed taken aback by my directness. She coughed and shuffled some papers around on her desk. She consulted her notes. I heard her mumble something about six bedrooms, five and half bathrooms, six thousand square feet. Jake whistled low. It was a lot of space, especially for three people. But it was a gorgeous house situated at the end of the street in a very prominent neighborhood on the Saint John's River. Whatever she decided to list it at was going to be more than fair.

Irina plugged a few numbers into her calculator, then punched in a few more. Finally she looked up at me and said, "Five."

I stared stupidly at her. "I'm sorry, five what?"

"Five million," she said haughtily.

I chocked on the air, my eyes bugging out. "You're going to list it for five million dollars?"

She nodded as if that was normal. "Is that too little?"

I shook my head no. "It's too much," I confessed.

Irina snorted delicately. "My dear, that's not nearly enough. It will sell quickly, you will see."

And sell quickly it did. Some software mogul bought the house two weeks after it went on the market and I added another fund to my already out of control funds list. It was nice, though, to not have to worry about money when the baby came.

Jake and I talked about where we wanted to live after graduation. Together we weighed the pros and cons of living in Tallahassee, living in Jacksonville or moving back home. I personally thought it would be best if we went back home. Jake, however, wanted to stay in Jacksonville. He'd had the interview with the junior football team's current coach and was offered the position. It turned out it wasn't a pee wee team, but a junior high team. He talked to me about it, seemingly excited enough, and we decided to stay in Jacksonville. He took the job and together we started house hunting.

And slowly but surely, I started to fall in love with Jacob Black.

**I like reviews so if you like the story (or even if you hate it and want to say so, please feel free) leave me a review : )**

**and one last note..I promise...all the drama, everything that happened, is happening and is going to happen is for a reason...I hope you guys hang around long enough to see the plot unfold...thank you all, so much, for reading. I really appreciate it!  
**

Songs from this chapter:

Friends, Lovers, or Nothing – John Mayer

Fireflies – Owl City

By Your Side – Sade

Someday – Steve Earle


	13. Time

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**If you didn't want to read this chapter, you can skip it...I don't think it really tells you anything important..  
**

**EMBRY**

It had been four months; four months and I still had trouble believing in. No matter how many times, how many different ways I tried to wrap my head around it, I still couldn't see Bella, my Bella, cheating on me with Jake. Jake. Of all the guys in the world she could have chosen she slept with my best fregging friend.

I think, when I thought about it at least, that if it had been some random guy, someone I didn't know, someone who hadn't seen me bruised and bloodied after my father in one of his drunken rages had beaten me senseless, I could have handled it.

Bella was my cause. She lifted me up when I was down. I never thought she would be the one to bring me down permanently.

I walked around in this haze after the breakup, seeing the world through foggy eyes, and Bella, she was everywhere. Everywhere I looked; everywhere I went, she was there. I would see her, always on the edge of my vision, laughing at me, mocking me.

Her face, the way it looked when she opened the door, will probably be burned in my head for as long as I live. Every time I closed my eyes I saw it, her bloodshot, tension riddled eyes. I had expected her to lie, to deny her infidelity, but she hadn't it and it took me by surprise.

I'd been prepared for the lie, but the truth. No, I hadn't been prepared for that. And the way she admitted it. She just looked at me and said it, putting it out there.

Talk about earth shattering. It was one of those rock your world moments. Those moments that come out of nowhere and shock the shit out of you. I had a few, mostly thanks to my father. As for ones that weren't attributed to my father, well those were few and far between.

There was one, once during sophomore year, we played the Georgia Bulldogs. It was the annual Florida-Georgia game. There's this huge rivalry between the teams and the tension on the field was crazy. Fans were even crazier, screaming in the stands. It was more noise than I'd ever heard during a game. Halfway through the third quarter I got the ball and was hauling ass down the field, going for an easy and seemingly unobstructed touchdown when I was tackled by this huge guy – he came out of, quite literally, nowhere. He caught me around the middle and viciously threw me to the ground. I saw stars circling my head and couldn't breathe which terrified the shit out of me. It's a football player's fear; you go down and have trouble breathing, and the first thing you think is serious injury.

I got the wind knocked out of me, and I lay there on the field staring up at the bright stadium lights, blinded. The crowd grew eerily silent, watching with baited breath to see if I was going to be okay.

It was a Jerry Maguire-like moment, I was waiting for a fan to yell out they loved me, yet no declaration ever came. The trainer rushed onto the field, thinking I was more injured than I was. I stared up at him, struggling to catch my breath this saying my dad used to say circling my mind like a shark circling its prey.

My dad used to use this expression, "Clean your clock." He used to say it all the time when he was drunk and my mom was being noncompliant. He'd look at her and shake either his fist of a can of beer and say, "Regina, I swear to god woman, if you don't…I'm gonna clean your clock." Then he would get up and smack her around when she refused to be his beck and call girl, giving her a taste of what it would feel like later when he really cleaned her clock.

The day I got tackled, that was the first expression that came to mind, now, two years later it came to mind again; I felt like I'd been tackled all over again. I never imagined Bella would do this to me. I knew things were bad between us, but really, was it that awful?

The distance, school, football, the band, they'd all taken a toll on our relationship, but I honestly thought we'd just through it like we got through everything else. I snorted, guess Thought thought wrong and my world died.

Sam and Dean didn't seem to understand. They both still had their girlfriends, were both still happy with their lives. They didn't understand miserable Embry, pining over the girl who'd screwed his best friend.

Speaking of my so called best friend, it didn't take long for him to call, ready to rip me a new one for hurting his precious Bella. I was amazed he had the balls to call me after he screwed my girlfriend.

I didn't bother greeting him when I answered the phone. He apparently didn't care. Charging right into the reason behind his call right out of the gate. "Why'd you break up with Bella?" he demanded.

I snorted, too pissed at the time to give a shit. "I think you know why," I spat at him. "You can have her. You two deserve each other."

"Embry what the hell are you talking about?" Jake demanded. He pretended to be confused, acting like he didn't know what I was talking about.

"Cut the shit dickwad. I know your fucking her," I snarled, my vision blurred, anger seethed and I saw red. I wanted to rip his head off, shit down his throat and shove his head up his ass.

"Embry it's not what you think," Jake said lamely.

"Bella told me, so it's exactly what I think it is. You were my best friend. We've been friends since sixth fucking grade, Jake. Ten years Jake, ten fucking years of friendship and you threw it away over a romp in the sack with my whore of an ex-girlfriend. Jesus Christ, I hope it was fucking worth it."

"Embry, let me explain –"

"No I don't want to hear it. Don't call me again. I don't know you or Bella anymore. Both of you are dead to me. I hope you two are happy together."

I didn't bother hanging up before I threw the phone against the grey, spray painted garage wall. The tiny phone crashed against the wall, bounced back then hit the wall again. It shattered into a bunch of little pieces. Tiny shards of plastic and electronics littered the driveway.

I bent to pick the pieces up, but thought better of it. The wind would take care of it. I went out later that day and got a new phone. I figured it was a good thing. Jake couldn't call me again, and now Bella, who'd been randomly calling since the breakup, wouldn't be able to get a hold of me either. That was a relief. It was like a knife to the heart hearing her tearful messages, her hiccupy sobs and the sniffling between her words. It almost made me want to drive to Jacksonville and make it all better.

Dean and Sam made sure I didn't. I was sitting in the living room programming my new phone when they stumbled in; a 12 pack of Corona in hand, laughing. I ignored the two of them as they powered up the PS3 and started playing Guitar Hero as they downed the beers.

When the Coronas were gone, they begged me to take them to a bar, being as I was the only sober one, I complied. That night, I threw my principles, well more like my past, away, got rip roaring drunk, contemplated suicide then decided against it and fucked the first girl who smiled at me from across the hazy bar. Dean and Sam smacked my back, chortling as me and the red head stumbled out of the bar.

The next night I was nursing a bottle of beer, ready to spend another night in a deep depression, when misery, well me, gained some company in the form of Dean and Sam.

Turns out their girlfriends had both broken up with then, alas the reason for the previous night's debauchery. Between Guitar Hero and trips to the liquor store on the corner for more beer, Dean and Sam began composing a new song. They had the melody, but the lyrics were for shit.

They titled the song That Bitch, and after Sam came back with the sixth twelve pack of the night, they took me through the first verse. It was, by far, the funniest god damn thing I'd ever heard. I spilled half the bottle of beer that was balanced on my knee, as we thought of words that would work for the chorus. I almost died laughing when Dean threw the lyrics from some old Nsync song. The song was a genuine knock off; they pulled a line from every cheesy love song that came to mind.

"Said you loved me but you lied, oh sweet Caroline, bet you wish you had me back, but I'll be the ghost outside your window who laughs and says you smell like teen spirit. You'll be crying, clutching your ninety nine red balloons as I say bye, bye, bye."

It was hilariously ridiculous, but exactly what I needed. By New Year's my broken hand had healed and I was back on the football team.

Coach Meyer pulled me aside after a particularly shitty practice. "You're drunk aren't you Call?" he screamed in my face.

I didn't know what to say. I wasn't drunk, but I wasn't sober either. I didn't answer him, guess I didn't need too.

"Jesus Christ on a cracker," he muttered and ripped off his blue and orange hat. He glared at me. "Second string until you get your shit straight. Grades too. I got the notice from the academic office, you're on probation. I don't know what happened to you, but whatever it is, get over it or get off my team."

I watched Coach walk away. All my dreams were circling the drain. I had a clichéd moment of clarity. Was Bella really worth losing everything I'd worked for? If I kept on this destructive path, the college degree, the NFL – all of it would be gone.

I stopped drinking, was sick as a dog for a few days but woke up afterwards with a clear head. I started going to, and paying attention in, my classes – they'd suffered during my three week drunken stupor – and improved my grades. By the end of the term they'd improved enough to be let off academic probation. When spring training started, I was back on first string and dating a cheerleader named Candy.

Candy was tall and reed thin, platinum blonde and chesty. She didn't have a lick of sense, but that's what I liked about her. She was too stupid to know she was being used which kind of made me feel like shit, but not enough that I cared. And she was freaky as shit in bed. I fought a constant battle every day, to not think about Bella, to not wonder how she was, if she was still with Jake.

The cheerleader and I didn't last long. I wasn't surprised. We broke up and I started dating a theater major. She looked like Bella, acted like Bella, but wasn't Bella.

No matter what I did, or didn't do, Bella never went away. I gave up trying. At night it was easier to pretend that nothing had changed.

Change. I hated that word. No matter how you spun it, change sucked.

Hootie & The Blowfish "Time"


	14. Everything's Good

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**Bella**

The spring passed quickly and before I knew it, it was time for graduation. Lucky for me, that one size fits all tents they call a gown fit over my very pregnant stomach.

I think I dozed off during all the hoopla, I woke up when the dean called my name for a second time. Jake cheered loudly, along with Charlie and Seth as I walked across the stage, collected my little roll of paper while shaking the dean's hand and smiling for photographs. It was like a bad, personal three ring circus where I was the featured freak.

I quickly hurried off the stage and took my seat. After the last of about a dozen speeches, caps were tossed gaily in the air and I slipped between crowds of people hoping I could find my family quickly and we could get the hell out of there, I felt like I was suffocating.

I found Seth who'd morphed into this rather handsome guy. He no longer looked like my kid brother; he was a giant in a boy's body. I smiled at him and he hugged me gently. "Zee!" he exclaimed.

"What's up kid?" I laughed, straining my neck to look up at him. He would be starting his senior year of high school in the fall, and from what Sue told me, the best basketball player at school.

Sue and Charlie stood just behind Seth, Sue smiling like a mad woman. "Oh Bella, we're so proud of you," she exclaimed.

"Thanks mom," I said.

"Almighty, let's get out of here before I smack the next impolite person who steps on me," Sue said.

I laughed. "Don't laugh Bella," Charlie said, "Sue's got rocks in her purse."

Sue shook her head no and led the way out of the hall. "We're going to have to stop back at the hotel," she said as she charged through the throngs of people. "We brought all kinds of stuff for the baby."

Seth rolled his eyes and leaned toward Jake. "Dude," he whispered loudly, "your house better be freaking huge. Mom went ape shit, I think she bought like, one of everything, _and_ she made the kid, like, six blankets. Six. No shit."

Jake sniggered, he leaned closer to Seth. "It's okay man. Bella's gone ape shit too. You should see all the little turtle printed stuff she's picked out for the poor kid."

I glanced over my shoulder at the two of them. "What are you guys talking about?"

Jake and Seth looked at me innocently. "Nothing," they said at the same time.

The five of us were going to go out to lunch; all the restaurants within a five mile radius of the campus were full. Finally I got tired of the shuffle from car to restaurant back to the car. I threw in the towel after the fourth one. "Let's just go get a burger. I'm starving and we can always go out tonight or tomorrow," I said grumpily, I was tired and my feet were killing me.

Later that night Sue and I were sitting on the patio enjoying the cool night air. I was rocking lazily on the swing, drinking some strawberry flavored water when Sue stopped rocking the swing and looked over at me.

"You know you can do this, don't you?"

I glanced at her, lowering the glass away from my mouth. "What do you mean?"

"The move, the house, the baby; you can do it all. You and Jake are going to be wonderful parents. I'm proud of you Bella, I just want you to know that."

I didn't say anything for a long moment. Sue continued to push the swing, rocking it back and forth. "It's so strange, you know. When I look back at the past few years I never, ever, not in a million years, thought I would end up here."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I don't know," I shrugged. "It just that when I think about my life, this is not what I pictured."

"It never is. But it's happened for a reason. Now we should get to bed. We have a long drive to Tallahassee tomorrow."

She stood then offered me her hand. I gently took it and together, the two of us helped me to my feet. Sue wrapped her arm around my shoulder before she opened the patio door. I went inside, Sue hugged me before she told Seth to turn the PlayStation off.

"Love you kiddo," Charlie said as he ushered Sue and Seth outside.

"Love you too," I replied.

Jake got up and walked me down the hall. "Let's get to bed, I'm graduating tomorrow."

I smiled at him. "I know you are. I'm proud of you."

"As I am of you.

* * *

Jake's graduation ceremony was a lot fancier than mine. A bunch of important people -god only knows who they were, I figured they were important based off the cut and price tag attached to their stuffy suits – stood before us, giving speeches and dispelling nuggets of wisdom. Like my own ceremony, I kept dozing off. Sue would shake me gently. I smiled apologetically and whispered, "Sorry."

To my left, Billy, Becca and Rachel sat, all three shooting me nasty looks. I was amazed Jake had managed to get them to agree to come. Billy acted like he didn't have the time of day for Jake, and Rachel, well let's just say not much had changed with her, she was still just as bitchy now as she was in high school, and Becca, well I think she was just following the lead of her father and older sister.

The last speaker finished his speech and they began calling names. Seth shouted, "hell yeah!" when the dean announced, "Jacob Black." Charlie shot him a look and he quieted down. Afterwards it was another trip to dinner to celebrate, this time, however, we were wiser, and Charlie made reservations.

The entire meal was awkward. I don't think, though he didn't say it, Jake wanted his family there. His dad always acted like he had more important things to do. When Jake was in the hospital after his shoulder injury, his father never showed up, he didn't even call.

I sat quietly between Jake and Sue, I felt safe there, and ate my dinner, not saying any more than was necessary.

We couldn't have gotten out of that restaurant sooner. After the waitress whisked away the last plate Charlie asked for the bill, paid it and ushered Sue and Seth toward the parking lot. I struggled to my feet, planted a kiss on Jake's cheek and begged off to the ladies room.

"Okay," he murmured against my cheek. "I'll meet you out front in five. Wait with your mom and dad, alright."

"Alright. Love you."

"Ditto," he murmured.

Fifteen minutes later a stressed looking Jake met us in the front of the restaurant. "Okay," he said with a stiff smile. "Let's get this show on the road."

The five of us climbed into Charlie's rental car and made the trek back to Jacksonville. "Well that was awkward," Seth said.

I smacked him on the arm as Charlie said, "Damn it boy, have more tact than that."

"What?" he whined.

"It's okay Charlie," Jake said. "I should have known better."

"Eh, they're your family," Charlie said lamely.

"Yeah, sure."

I rubbed Jake's arm and leaned my head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"It's not your fault," he replied. "Get some rest. I'll wake you when we're home."

I woke up the next morning in bed alone. I slowly climbed out and went toward the sound of voices in the living room. Jake was on the phone, arguing with someone. After just a few seconds I realized he was fighting with his father.

I paused just outside the kitchen, eavesdropping.

"No, Dad. Oh Jesus are you serious?"

He was quiet for a moment, I could only assume Billy was ripping him a new one.

"No," Jake said getting angry. "What reason would she have to do that?"

More silence.

"That's just stupid Dad. No, I'm not going to debate the point with you, especially when you're being as ridiculous as you are, I don't care if the baby belonged to Dick Van Dyke, which in case that was your next question, no it doesn't. I love Bella and that's all there is to it. If you have a problem with that, well then screw you, you can call me when you get over yourself."

The phone beeped and I stood there stunned. Jake slammed the refrigerator door, muttering to himself. I shuffled the rest of the way down the hall and entered the kitchen. "Morning," I yawned.

His face softened instantly. "Morning baby, how'd you sleep?"

"Okay I guess. I'm starving, though. Desperately craving an egg and cream cheese bagel."

Jake made a face and moved out of the way. "Don't let me stop you. We have to meet your parents at the hotel, they're flying out and your mom has all that baby stuff."

"I know. Let me eat and shower and then we can go."

We met Sue and Charlie at their hotel. Sue handed Jake a huge basket of things for the baby. Jake grimaced as he tried to heft the basket down the hall. Charlie and Seth cackled like a couple of hens, hollering for him to put his back into it and asking if he needed a can of spinach or a fork lift.

Sue and I walked behind them. "Now you call me if you need me, or if you have any questions. I'm flying back down after the baby's born, just to help out and only if you want me to."

"Oh I want you to," I said nervously. "I think I'm gonna need the help, at least at first."

"You'll be fine," she said before launching into her list of important things to know.

I listened to her babble all the way to the airport. When we finally got to the security check she smiled wearily. "See you in a month. Love you kids!"

"Love you guys," Charlie said hugging me.

"Love you too, see you soon mom. Have a safe flight!"

Jake waved and we watched at the three of them disappeared down the terminal. "Hear that?" Jake said.

I glanced up at him, confused. "Hear what?" I asked.

"Exactly. Silence. Now let's go home, eat Ben and Jerry's and watch Jerry Springer."

"How about you watch Jerry Springer and I go to sleep."

"Deal."

* * *

Light filled the room the loud boom of thunder scared me awake. Irritation and a serious discomfort issue gnawed at me. I reached out across the bed, groping for my purple body pillow. Fingers closed over cool sheets, but no pillow. I scooted closer to the edge of the bed and reached down. My fingers closed over the silky cotton and I pulled it back up to the bed.

I yawned and resituated my pillows. The sulfuric orange light from the parking lot was watery and fought against the cloudy sky to light up my room. The sight of more than a dozen cardboard boxes stared back at me, the neat stacks looming like ancient Grecian columns.

I smiled happily, extremely glad to be moving out of this apartment that had seen its fair share of taboo acts and whose walls held countless secrets.

We found a decent sized house in a brand new neighborhood – we'd be the second family to move in and for some reason I found that pretty freaking hilarious.

The house itself was a two story typical Florida home. Pale beige stucco, large windows framed on either side with long black shutters, some stone and lots of foliage. It was a bit larger than we needed, five bedrooms and three bathrooms, but after seeing the open floor plan and the airy kitchen, I'd fallen in love with it and told Jake we had to live there.

He was skeptical at first, not that I could blame him and we'd gone back and forth for a few days before I'd convinced him that was the house for us. It was near to his job, the school district was the best in the county and it was a nice neighborhood. He had laughed and joked, "How could the neighborhood be bad, only one other family lives there."

But eventually he agreed, declaring that the two extra bedrooms could easily be turned into an office for him and an art studio for me. I loved his way of thinking, envisioning all the trinkets and paintings I could do. We went to the real estate office handling the contracts and started the paperwork.

I heard a loud voice coming from the living room. It sounded like Jake and he sounded angry. I sighed and pushed myself out of bed. Outside, rain beat against the window, making me have to pee.

I hurried to the bathroom looking down at my stomach. It was huge and it gave new meaning to the whole Austin Powers "you look like a baby, get in my belly" thing.

Nestled safely in the bounds of my stomach, Avery kicked my bladder, making the urge to pee worse. Luckily I made it in time, being big fat pregnant and peeing yourself is, or so I hear, totally acceptable, but to me it was just super embarrassing.

I finished up in the bathroom, which looked naked with all my hair dryers and flatteners packed away, and went down the hall in search of Jake.

He was sitting, shirtless on the couch when I entered, looking good enough to eat. It was strange, our relationship. I'd always been attracted to him. He was ridiculously tall, built like a god with permanently bronzed skin and dark chestnut hair that he wore short on the sides but long enough to run my fingers through on the top. Jake was patient. He never pushed me to love him, stood beside me through everything, and in doing that I fell out of love with Embry and in love with him.

The love I had for Jake was different. I didn't get the giddy butterflies I had gotten every time Embry looked at me. Nope, no butterflies, but it was something different and in a sense more powerful. Like an age old instinct, something slow burning and right. It felt almost as if gravity was slowly pulling us together like the opposite poles of a magnet; like we were _meant _to be together. I was hopelessly in love and it felt right for the first time in a long time. My heart swelled every time he looked at me.

Back on the couch, Jake cursed, the phone pressed to his ear, his face ruddy.

I glanced at him and said, "What's wrong?"

"The damn movers," he muttered holding up a finger. "They were supposed to get the stuff from the storage unit first," he said into the phone, "yes, _then_ come here and pack the apartment. Why the hell did they think there'd be someone at the house?"

Jake was silent for a minute. I went to the fridge and got a carton of orange juice out and poured a large glass taking a long swallow, then rooted through the practically empty cabinets looking for something to eat. From the table, Jake continued his tirade. "Well they need to come here and get this stuff too, that's what I'm paying you people for. Okay. Alright, fine. Yeah, I'll be waiting."

He hung up the phone then got up, muttering under his breath.

"What's wrong?" I asked as he stalked into the kitchen, coffee mug in tow.

"Damn movers went to the storage unit and got all that stuff and went to the house then were wondering where we were. It's a god damn mess, but they should be on their way here now," he said, reaching over my head for the box of cereal sitting on the second shelf of the cabinet. He handed it to me and kissed my forehead.

"Thank you. Why did they go to the storage unit first? I thought they were coming here first?"

Jake shrugged. "The hell if I know. Maybe because they're idiots."

I laughed, I couldn't help it, it just slipped out. They could go to the storage unit first. That was going to take them forever to pack all that stuff up. The unit had all the furniture, linens, miscellaneous bull crap from Phil and Renee's house. I figured we'd keep it; it was, after all, just stuff. And we kind of needed it.

I turned to get the milk out of the refrigerator and set about finding a spoon. Rosalie and Emmett had moved in together last week and were getting married in a few weeks so there was nothing left unpacked in the apartment.

"How did you sleep?" Jake asked.

I shrugged. "I'll sleep fine once we are in our own house, in our empty little neighborhood."

He laughed and said, "Don't you think it's going to be a little creepy. All those empty houses?"

"Nah," I said as I poured some cereal into an oversized coffee mug. "I think it'll be cool."

Outside, thunder boomed and lightning crackled. I rolled my eyes. There was a hurricane barreling towards us, but that was June in Florida. What else was new?

The phone rang. Jake answered it; a disgusted look immediately crossed his face.

"What now?"

He shook his head. "Nothing. They got to the unit and it wasn't open yet. They don't start letting people on the premises until ten."

I gently placed a hand on Jake's arm and smiled up at him. "It'll be okay," I said.

He smiled and nodded. "I know it just pisses me off. I wanted this to go off without a hitch, you know?"

"I know, but it is what it is. Don't worry about it, they'll be here and it'll be fine."

He leaned down and kissed me. "I love you," he said with a smile and wandered off towards the bedroom.

I finished my cereal and went to get dressed before the movers arrived and saw me, big as a beached whale, sitting on this tiny little stool in an oversized tee shirt and gianormous pregnancy panties.

I found a pair of shorts and a tee shirt, grudgingly pulling them on. So much for the cute clothes of my earlier pregnancy days. Lately I barely had the energy to even put a tee shirt on. Not to mention the fact that I felt like my body was on fire. It was always so damn hot. I left the bedroom and went to watch TV while we waited for the movers.

Four hours later there was a sharp rap at the door. Jake jumped up like a pit bull ready to attack. He yanked open the door and gave the two movers a nasty look before telling them what to do.

After that everything was smooth sailing. The movers packed the boxes into the truck and we followed them to the new house. I supervised, telling them where everything went. As the men unloaded boxes and furniture the future came to life right before my eyes. I could envision future Christmases as Avery grew older, parties and barbecues and maybe even more kids. It made me want to cry which was just plain silly.

After the last box had been unloaded and the last piece of furniture wheeled in, the movers packed up their dolly's and left. Jake shut the front door behind them and looked around at the organized chaos that surrounded us.

"Welcome home," he said.

"Thank you."

"Should we get started right away or leave all this for tomorrow?"

I looked around. "I say we get started. We can hook up the stereo and rock out while we do so. Wanna know the greatest part about that?" I said, a giggle creeping into my voice.

"What?" Jake said, playing along.

"We can play the music as loud as want; there aren't any neighbors to call the cops on us."

Jake rolled his eyes and set up the stereo. I dug out my mp3 player and hooked it up the stereo. As _Belle of the Boulevard_ came pouring out of the speakers I opened the first box and started pulling stuff out.

It took us three days to get fully unpacked. Avery's room was best and by far the most adorable room in the house. The walls were a pale blue and rippled, like waves, the space above white. Little seas creatures, turtles and smiling fish stickers were adhered to the wall. The rich mahogany crib stood kitty-corner on the same wall as the door. Across from it was the matching dresser, a turtle lamp rested on one end, a wicker basket on the opposite side full of books. A changing table and rocking chair sat on the other end. His room made me insanely happy. I liked to sit in the rocking chair and breathe in the smell of faint baby powder and fabric softener.

One afternoon a few days after we moved in, Jake came looking for me, he'd found some things that belong to my parents and wanted to know what to do with them. I was sitting in the rocking chair; my hands gently clasped together rand resting on my stomach, eyes closed. I was pushing the rocking chair back and forth with my foot. I heard him stop in the door way, he smiled and I felt his eyes raking over me. I opened one eye and smiled at him.

"Do you know how lovely you look right now?"

"Do you know how swollen I feel right now?" I asked with a smile.

"Let's go out to eat tonight," he suggested.

I was tired, my ankles and feet were swollen and I felt like a hippo, but I agreed. "Where do you want to go?" I asked as I pushed myself out of the rocking chair.

"I don't know," Jake shrugged. "How about, hmm, Chinese food? P.K. Wangs?"

My mouth watered. Chinese food was my pregnancy kryptonite. Jake smiled knowingly. We went into our room, another room I was in love with, and changed into something a bit more presentable than Jake's sweats and a holey FSU tee shirt.

The late afternoon air was mild as we backed out of the garage and left our ghostly neighborhood. P.K. Wangs was this mom and pop restaurant in a shopping center, snuggled between a Publix and a dollar tree. The sound of water running into the giant koi pond greeted us as we stepped inside the dimly lit restaurant.

Candles in red glass votives flickered softly in the near darkness giving the place an overall romantic glow. Paloma Wang, co-owner and hostess smiled at us as we entered. "Jake and Bella, how's the baby? He coming soon?"

I nodded and said, "He should be here in a few weeks."

She rubbed my tummy lightly and smiled up at me. "He come soon," she said wisely as she showed us to our corner booth.

"Let's hope so," I said as I slid into the seat.

Paloma set the menus in front of us and went to get our drinks without having to be told what we wanted, that's how often we came here to eat. Poor Jake though, I bet he'd be glad when I no longer craved Chinese food morning, noon and night.

We ordered and our food came, steaming plates of Chinese deliciousness. I dug in and Avery kicked with childish delight. As you can see, Chinese food made us both very happy.

"So I have a question," Jake said as he swallowed a mouthful of curry chicken. I glanced up at him. Just then Paloma came, setting a basket down in the center of the table. She nodded, then scurried off.

Jake picked up the fortune cookie and handed it to me. I took it and cracked it in half, withdrawing the rectangular square of paper.

I read the words on the paper at the same time he said, "Bella, will you marry me?"

Tears flooded my eyes as he cracked another fortune cookie open and a simple, silver princess cut diamond ring fell into his palm. He slid out of the booth and came around to my side, dropping down on one knee; he held the ring out in front of him.

"Bella, I love you more than anything in this world and I would be honored if you would agree to be my wife."

I wiped away the tears with the back of my hand and cried, "Yes, Jake. Yes, I'll be your wife!"

He smiled and exhaled, relieved. He slid the ring onto my finger, only getting it part of the way down. "We'll have to get it resized," I said, holding up a puffy hand.

He nodded and got up off his knee kissing me. "Thank you," he said.

"I love you," I replied. "So much."

Paloma rushed over to congratulate us. "Dinner is on me," she said. "Congratulations!"

I smiled and thanked her then eyed Jake meaningfully. My back was starting to hurt and I wanted to go home and put on some pajamas and eat some Ben and Jerry's then crawl into bed and sleep for a week.

Paloma looked at my ring, then rubbed my stomach one last time, looking into my eyes. "You wait," She said as she hurried off toward the kitchen.

I glanced at Jake who shrugged. Paloma came back a few seconds later, a small bottle in her hand. "Here," she said handing me a bottle with what looked like green tea inside. "You drink this. Tonight."

I glanced quizzically at her. "Why?" I was confused; clearly Paloma knew something I didn't.

She smiled knowingly. "What is it young kids say? Trust me?"

I nodded.

"Then trust me. It's ancient Chinese secret herbal tea. You drink, tonight."

"Okay," I said.

Jake stood and helped me out of the booth. He left a forty dollar tip on the table. I knew he wouldn't let Paloma put our meal on the house.

I collected my purse, and my bottle of tea and Jake and I left.

"What do you think this is?" I asked twisting the bottle as we walked toward the car.

He shrugged. "Its probably just some tea or something that will help you relax."

I slid the bottle into my purse. It was probably just some ancient Chinese herbal tea. I'd keep my promise and drink it tonight.

Jake drove through the streets back to our house. The solar powered yard lights twinkled softly, punctuating the dusk with points of soft white light.

I glanced up at the house, rain falling in my eyes, amazed that this beautiful home was ours.

This was a perfect night. Truly perfect. Jake called to me from his side of the car. I waddled slowly toward him, the pain in my lower back pronounced.

"You okay?" he asked as he entwined his fingers with mine.

I nodded and stepped into the foyer behind me. "My back hurts a little."

"Go change. I'll get you some ice cream and we'll watch Grey's Anatomy."

I smiled at him and went to change. When I came back down, cranberry mandarin candles were burning in the glass votives on the mantle and the credits were rolling on whatever came on before Grey's, a pint of Cherry Garcia sat on the coffee table, a silver spoon jutting out of the center of its creamy center.

Jake was sitting on one end of the couch. He patted the cushion next to him. "McSteamy awaits my dear."

"Who needs McSteamy when I have you," I laughed.

"Who indeed."

I sat down next to him and watched as the doctors vied over the best surgeries, the tea in my purse forgotten.

Reviews are better when you can have a Jake AND a McSteamy...for those of you who don't know who McSteamy is, google..asap. : ) lol

Everything's Good - Lene Marlin..


	15. Love is Waiting

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**I have to give some of you credit...I think you know what's (really) going on here..lol..then again...  
**

**BPOV**

I laughed as Cristina and Meredith dished on their men on the TV. The pint of Ben and Jerry's rested on the top of my stomach. Jake would periodically look up and snicker at something happening in the show, but really, he wasn't watching it. He was flipping the page of _The Walking Dead_ when I gasped.

There was a sharp pain my stomach, it felt like five hundred hungry demons were trying to gnaw their way out through my belly button. I gasped again, sucking in a deep breath and clutching my stomach. The pint of ice cream toppled to the floor with a disgusting plop. Jake dropped his graphic novel and jumped up.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his hands fumbling not quite sure what to do.

I gasped as another labor pain ripped through my stomach. What the hell was going on in there? "I think I might be in labor," I told him through gritted teeth.

"Labor? You're not due for like three more weeks." I could see the worry I felt reflected in his eyes. He was right, I still had a few more weeks before the baby was due, but from everything I read and heard, they came when they were ready and a due date could go to hell.

"I know. I think you should call the doctor. He'll know what to do."

Jake unwillingly left my side, quickly dashing into the kitchen for the phone. His low murmuring voice traveled, I tried to focus on that rather than the excruciating pain tearing across my lower abdomen.

Jake came back into the living room. "He wants to know how far apart your contractions are."

"I don't know."

Jake repeated this into the phone, then glanced back at me. "We have to time them," he told me.

I glanced up at the clock, when this warmth spread over my legs. I glanced up at Jake. "I think I just peed myself," I whimpered.

Jake's eyes bulged, "You peed yourself?" He turned his attention back to the phone. "What doc? Oh. Okay. Okay, I'll tell her."

He turned back to me. "You didn't pee yourself, your water broke."

"My water broke?" I cried as tears spilled down my face. "I don't like this. Can you call Sue?"

Jake nodded and hung up the phone. "I'll call her on the way to the hospital," he said as we walked through the kitchen into the garage.

"Okay. Gah, I'm all wet," I moaned.

Jake sighed. "Wait here, I'll be right back," he said and ran back into the house. He came back a few seconds later with a clean pair of pants. "Here," he said handing them to me. "Now you won't look like you peed yourself."

I smiled gratefully and managed to peel the wet sweats off and pull the dry ones on, all before another wave of contractions washed over me. Part of me wanted to die, the more reasonable part said to hold on until we got to the hospital then demand the drugs, ASAP.

Jake put me in the car, then ran around to the driver's side. The garage door rumbled opened and he reversed into the empty street. We sped through the night, the car a black rocket as it screeched to a halt in the parking lot at Shands Memorial Hospital.

I swallowed hard as I stared up at the great white building. This was where they brought Phil after the accident. I could still Aaron Burgess, Phil's doctor, with his wavy brown hair and pale green eyes as he told me that my mom was dead. I wondered if he still worked here.

My thoughts were interrupted as Jake ripped open the passenger side door. "Come on," he panted his voice laced with panic.

I slowly pushed myself out of the car and waddled slowly toward the door, stopping every few minutes to catch my breath or breathe through a contraction. Jake waited patiently for me to catch up.

Once we made it inside Jake went to the reception desk where the harried looking nurse directed us toward the maternity ward, but not before she shoved a wheelchair in Jake's direction.

I sat down and he pushed me toward the elevator. "Baby, you okay?"

I nodded and held onto the arms of the wheel chair as Jake wheeled me on to the elevator. As the doors opened to reveal the maternity ward time seemed to speed up, everything happened so quickly. A curvy nurse greeted us and wheeled me into a room. I was given a gown and put into bed. Another nurse came in as one was leaving, she attached two large bands to my stomach. "This," she said pointing to the pink band, "Monitors your contractions, and this one," she pointed at the blue band, "monitors the baby's heart beat."

I glanced up at the monitor, watching the lines as they spiked and fell. "Can I do anything else for you?" the nurse asked.

"How about those drugs," I joked weakly.

She laughed and patted my arm. "All in good time." Her soft soled shoes squeaked on the polished floor as she left. Beside me Jake sank down into the pleather chair, twisting his hands nervously.

I rolled my head and looked at him. "Did you call Sue?" I asked.

"She said she'd be on the first flight out. I'm waiting for her to call me back with her flight info."

"Okay," I replied and squeezed my eyes shut as another contraction tore through my abdomen.

The doctor, a curmudgeonly man in his late sixties with glasses so thick his eyes were disproportionate, came in and sneered at me. I bite back a gasp of horror. Then his face relaxed and he laughed. "How are feeling Ms. Dwyer?"

"I feel like shit," I said with a grimace. "Can I have some drugs or something?"

The doctor glanced at the monitor and consulted a chart. "I don't see why not, you still have a while to go before its time to do anything."

He said the anesthesiologist would be in soon to administer the epidural and that I should just try to relax. Jake sat beside me gripping my hand.

"Just think," he said tracing the palm of my hand with his thumb. "When we leave here, we'll be leaving with our son."

I smiled, trying to imagine the thought. "I wonder who he'll look like," I said to Jake as I closed my eyes trying to envision our son's face.

"Well," Jake said softly. "He'll be as ruggedly handsome as me, but he'll have all the best things about you."

"Oh really?" I snorted softly. "And what exactly are the best things about me?"

"Well, for starters, you have eyes that even Aphrodite would be envious of. And your smile-"

A huge grin tugged across my lips.

"Yup, that's the one. That smile could chase the clouds from the sky on even the rainiest of days. But the best part about you, the thing I admire the most, is your resilience. You have this amazing strength. I think you could wrestle a hurricane and walk away the winner. You've faced so many things in your life and have always walked away stronger and better because of them. I envy you that."

"You shouldn't," I murmured. "You have the same strength. Look at what happened to your shoulder. You didn't let it ruin you or break you. Instead you're going to be teaching kids how to be great at football, even though you can't be as great as you were."

I breathed through another contraction and sighed as the anesthesiologist walked through the door. He set a giant needle down; I mean it was huge – like epically huge. I gulped and eyed it nervously.

"Don't be nervous," he said with a chuckle as he followed my gaze to the epidural needle. "Here's what's going to happen."

The anesthesiologist launched into a detailed explanation, explaining what the epidural would do, how the procedure worked and how quickly the medicine would work. "Now, I need you to sit Indian style, and lean over. Then all we need to do is wait for a contraction."

I pushed myself into a sitting position and leaned forward as far as I could, which wasn't far at all. No sooner had I grabbed my knees than a contraction started tearing through my abdomen. It was crazy painful, but nothing, and I mean _nothing_ like you see on TV and in the movies, you know how those women are always screaming and cursing at their husbands. Can we say _drama queens?_

The anesthesiologist wiped something cold on the small of my back, there was a stinging prick, then a larger needle slid into my skin. I bit my lower lip, clamping down and trying to remain as still as possible.

There was a rush of coolness and suddenly the lower half of my body was comfortably numb. "Alright Ms. Dwyer, you're all set. Go on and lay back down."

Jake helped me turn and lay down. I glanced at the monitor, watching as a contraction arched in jagged spikes – amazed that I couldn't feel it.

"That's so cool," I said to Jake.

He looked around. "What is?"

I pointed to the monitor. He followed my finger and smiled. "You can't feel it?"

I shook my head no, still amused. Jake smiled and reached into his pants pocket. "Will you be okay for a few minutes? I want to see if Sue called with her flight information."

I nodded and patted his hand. "I'll be fine."

He got up, cell phone in hand and left the room. I relaxed into the pillow and closed my eyes, wondering how long we'd been here and what happened on Grey's Anatomy.

I think I dozed off. When I opened my eyes again, Sue and Jake were sitting on either side of the bed, the television was tuned to Good Morning America and the blinds were open, the faintest hints of pink and orange tinting the ever lightening blue sky.

"Good morning," Sue said.

I yawned and raised my arms high above my head. "Hi! How long have you been here?"

She glanced down at her watch and yawned. "Since about three this morning. How are you feeling?"

I shrugged and looked down at my still pregnant stomach. Too bad having a baby wasn't like waiting for the tooth fairy or Santa Claus to come. If it was, Avery would be here by now. "Still pregnant. I can't believe I slept through the night."

"It takes time. I was in labor with your brother for over eighteen hours, he did not want to come out," she laughed.

I chuckled softly. "I'm glad you could come," I said.

Sue smiled and patted my leg. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

She turned her attention back to Good Morning America. I listened halfheartedly to the report on parents fed up with their child's eating habits. During the commercial break the doctor came in to check on me. "How are we doing?" he asked.

I shrugged; I didn't really have an answer for him. I was still here and my son was still inside. "Could be better," I finally said.

He smiled and nodded. "Let's take a look-see."

He pulled the blanket discreetly aside and began examining the baby, one hand inside, one out. His eyebrows drew together and his expression became unreadable. "Humph," he murmured.

My heart beat quickened, the beeping from the machine grew louder. "What's wrong?" I asked.

Jake woke up and was looking from me, to the doctor, back to me, the fear in his eyes was as plain as the day is young.

"The baby is in a breach position. We need to get you into surgery, and soon."

"Surgery?!" I exclaimed. "Surgery for what?"

"Calm down Ms. Dwyer, you need to have a C-section," the doctor's voice was low and calm, looking me right in the eye as he delivered the news. I wasn't sure what he was trying to imply, if he was trying to imply anything at all, or if he was just trying to keep me calm.

I swallowed and stared back at him. "Um, alright. Is my baby okay?"

"He will be if we move quickly. Is your husband coming into the operating room with you?"

"I am," Jake said not bothering to explain that he wasn't my husband - yet.

The doctor gave a curt nod, "I'll get you some scrubs, then we'll get this started."

He left and I glanced up at Jake. He squeezed my hand. "Are you okay?" he asked.

I blinked back the tears and tried to smile. "I'm scared," I whispered.

"Me too," he admitted and it made me feel better.

After that, everything spiraled out of control into a whirlwind of activity. The doctor came back and gave Jake a set of pale green scrubs, I was wheeled off to an OR where I was strapped down like Jesus Christ with a vagina. Two nurses lifted a blue sheet, blocking my view of the procedure.

A few seconds later a drowsy calm washed over me, an alien face peered over the sheet. "If there's a lot of pain let me know and we'll take care of it."

I nodded, shivering. Jake sat down next to me. He clasped my hand in his and looked down at me. "Just relax, everything is going to be okay. Are you excited?"

I shivered again, smiling. "I am, but I'm freezing too."

"Okay, let me see if they can do something about that." He stood up and walked away, when he came back he had an armful of blankets. He put the warm blankets over my chest and tucked them in around me. "Better?"

"Yes," I said as my chattering teeth quieted.

For a few seconds there was quiet in the O.R. and a faint whispering. I quickly realized someone was praying. I closed my eyes and sent out a prayer of my own. _Let my baby be okay, let my baby be okay._

Suddenly there was a sharp stinging pain and an uncomfortable tugging sensation. I gasped and shut my eyes tight, clenching my teeth. Next to me Jake motioned to someone on the other side of the curtain, and like magic, the pain stopped. My eyelids fluttered, growing heavier and heavier. The steady back and forth of Jake's thumb on my wrist was almost hypnotic. The pull of the medication was too hard to defy, resistance was futile. I gave in, allowing my eyes to close.

I fell back through the veil of my memory, like Alice down the rabbit hole I opened my eyes to a familiarly unfamiliar scene. I was back in high school, if high school was white and sterile.  
I walked down the familiar halls trailing my fingers across the pristine white lockers looking for something.

I passed empty classrooms and supply closets. When I reached the end of hall I looked left, then right. Down the hall to my left a shadowy figured walked out of a classroom, the door banging shut loudly. The shadow disappeared down the hall.

"Wait!" I called making chase, wondering who it could possibly be. I reached the end of the hall, only one way to go, right. I peered into the darkness searching for the figure. I noticed the shape at the end of the hall staring back at me.

I ran down the hall hoping that whoever it was would just a second longer, just one second for me to catch up. The figured disappeared and the darkness lifted. I stopped in front of Jake. He smiled down at me and said in an imploring tone, "Bella open your eyes. Sweetheart, open your eyes please."

I can't, I tried to say, but my mouth felt dry and I was suddenly very tired and cold. I closed my eyes and a calming warmth washed over me.

* * *

When I opened my eyes the light, and Jake, were gone and it was dark; a television in the corner was playing The 700 Club. Pat Robertson was going on and on about the end of the world and that new John Cusack movie, _2012_. I groaned, sick of all the religious fanatics who crawled out of the woodwork whenever a movie about the end of the world came out, and rolled over, pulling a pillow over my head.

I closed my eyes for a moment before opening them again to investigate where the pain in my arm was coming from. I saw the IV sticking out of my skin, I followed the line upwards, my eyes stopping on a bright red bag of blood dangling beside a banana bag. I was too tired to unravel that oddity, I felt like I'd walked to hell and back. I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

* * *

The next time I opened my eyes Pat Robertson was gone, in his place was Sabrina the Teenage Witch which was a welcome, yet ironic, reprieve. I glanced up. The bag of blood was gone and I noticed I was in an entirely different room. I wondered if the anti-semantic rant and bag of blood was just part of that crazy ass dream.

Jake rushed to my side as I looked around. He gently took my hand, enveloping it in his. "I'm so glad you're okay," he said.

"What happened?" I croaked.

""There was a complication during the c-section. They almost –" his voice cracked and his eyes filled with tears.

"They almost what?"

"They almost lost you," he said softly. "There was so much blood. They made me leave. I didn't know what was going on, no one would tell me. I was afraid you were going to-"

"Hey," I said cutting him off. "I didn't. I didn't, I'm fine, everything is fine."

"I know," he said wiping his eyes. "I know, it was just…I was so scared."

"It's okay now. I'm fine. How is the baby?"

Jake's whole demeanor instant changed. His eyes lit up. He looked a little like a kid on Christmas morning. "Oh my god Bells, you should see him. He is just, wow."

"Can I see him?"

"Yeah, let me see if maybe one of the nurses can bring him in." Jake left, his flip flops slapping against the floor.

_So I almost died_, I thought. That would explain the creepy shadow figure in the creepy school – if you believed that kind of thing, which I wasn't sure I did. I took a deep breath, thankful to be alive.

The door opened a few minutes later and a nurse, preceded by a clear plastic bassinet, entered the room. The procession continued as Jake and Sue followed the nurse. The nurse stopped the bassinet beside the bed and smiled at me.

"Hi mom," she grinned. "Ready to meet your son?"

I nodded and held my arms out as she placed the sleeping baby in my outstretched arms. "He's the most handsome baby in the nursery. Gonna be a real lady killer when he grows up. Congratulations."

I looked down and pushed the soft blanket back. I gasped in the face of the sleeping newborn. My heart felt like it would burst into a million little pieces and I burned this moment into my mind. A swath of dark hair peeked out from under the blue beanie on Avery's head. His perfect little snub nose, pink and cute as a button and his Cupid 's bow mouth. If ever there was a work of perfection this was it and I made it.

I leaned down and gently kissed his forehead, inhaling that soft baby smell. "How can I love you so much?" I whispered against his forehead.

Avery sighed and pursed his lips. I slid the blanket out of the way and glanced at his tiny fingers no bigger than a dragon fly's wing. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, he was too beautiful. "How adorable is my son?" I said aloud.

Sue laughed and sat down on the end of the bed. She peered over the edge of the blanket. "He is pretty perfect, huh?"

I nodded, unable to stop looking at him. I never thought I could feel as happy as I did at that moment, but I was, unbelievably happy.

* * *

Three days later they released me and Avery from the hospital. We didn't have any of those funny little new parent moments that you see in the movies, you know trouble with the car seat or driving five miles an hour down the road.

Okay well not entirely. Jake did the speed limit all the way home, which in Florida, is like doing fifty-five on the Autobahn. Floridians are crazy drivers, I think most got their licenses as prizes in the bottom of a fifty cent box of Cracker Jack.

The other drivers leaned on their horns and blew past us. Jake ignored them, mutter under his breath, "Well when their newborn son is in the car they can go as fast or as slow as they want. Ask me if I really give a shit."

I suppressed a smile, but I won't lie, I was relieved when he finally turned into our subdivision. We passed a large moving truck parked in front of the house three doors down from ours.

"Well there goes the neighborhood," I joked.

Jake laughed as he pulled into the driveway. "Seriously."

Once the car was safely in the garage, Jake bolted out of his seat and dashed around to my side of the car. "Okay," he said sounding like a war time general about to rush head first into enemy territory. "I'll get Avery out of the car and you go on in."

He opened my door and helped me out, watching as I waddled to the house, trying to move slowly and as pain free as possible. You'd think that when they cut you open they'd be nice and stitch you back up with some of those dissolvable stitches, like you hadn't been through enough pain already. Oh no, they use staples, yes bright, shiny, silver staples. I had six of them that would have to be removed in three days. I so wasn't looking forward to that.

The smell of chocolate chip cookies and the smooth, crooning voice of Karen Carpenter greeted me as I stepped into the narrow hallway feeding into the kitchen. Sue sang along to the words. I stood there, privy to her serenade. She was really actually a pretty decent singer. Karen Carpenter was one of the heavy weights of the seventies and Sue was holding her own pretty well.

Sue danced around the kitchen in a black apron singing into a wooden spoon, "Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby….said you'd be coming back this way again baby, baby, baby, baby oh baby, I love you, I really do."

She pulled some move I'd only ever seen done on that Mamma Mia! remake and I couldn't help but laugh.

Sue turned and smiled at me, her cheeks a light pink. She set the wooden spoon down and met me halfway. "I was wondering when you three would be home."

I smiled and sat down at the island. "Jake decided he was going to do the speed limit all the way home."

Sue looked around. "Where is Jake?" she asked.

"Probably still getting Avery out of the car."

Jake appeared just then, Avery's car seat carrier in one hand, his face beet red. When he came further into the kitchen I noticed he had the whole car seat, base and carrier and baby makes three.

"What happened?" I asked as he set the apparatus down on the counter.

"I couldn't get this part," he said pointing to the carrier, "undone from this part. It's like rocket science or something."

Sue and I laughed. She went around the island, pushed a red button on the carrier and lifted the carrier away from the base. "Hello handsome man," she cooed, unbuckling him.

Jake scowled at the car seat and sat down next to me. "I'm exhausted," he said.

Laughing I replied, "It's only just begun."

**Reviews are just as good as a new little bundle of joy! **

Superstar – The Carpenters

Love is Waiting - Brooke Fraser


	16. If My Heart Was a House

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

Gah I would love to be able to answer all the questions without giving away the details of what is going to happen...I'm about to just throw all the chapters i have at you in one super massive update (im talking like, twenty chapters...lol) but I promise...all of the questions will be answered in good time...thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it!

**BPOV**

**Six Months Later**

Avery was asleep in his playpen, Diane Birch was on the radio. I hummed along while making dinner. Sheets of rain fell from the grey sky just beyond the kitchen window. I glanced over at the clock on the stove, worried. It was almost five and Jake wasn't home from work, which wasn't normal.

The rain was getting old, it had been raining for three days, pretty much non-stop. Parts of the neighborhood were underwater. On the radio Diane Birch gave way to Jingle Bells. I glanced at the clock again and finished peeling the potatoes, setting the peeler down on the edge of the cutting board.

In the family room, Avery gurgled, cooing and making his happy baby noises. I went to the playpen and lifted my smiling baby out. "Come on," I said carrying him across the room and putting him in his walker. "Let's go finish dinner."

Avery babbled and I pushed him into the kitchen. I stopped in front of the stove as the radio cranked out a Mayday Parade song. I quickly jabbed the dial not really caring if Jason Lancaster wanted to be the wings that kept my heart in the clouds, the radio screeched across frequencies, static filled songs came in, finally stopping on a song that _didn't _remind me of Embry. As if I needed another reminded. There was a constant reminder on the television every Sunday.

It started innocently enough. Jake was lounging on his reclining chair one Sunday afternoon getting ready to watch the Tampa Bay Buccaneers take on the New York Giants. I was reading a James Patterson novel while Avery took a nap.

The emcees were announcing the Buccaneers offensive line. I wasn't really paying attention when they announced number twenty three, Call, a rookie out of UF. I looked up, however, when Jake gasped.

"What's wrong?" I asked, dog-earing the page of _7__th__ Heaven_ and looking at him.

Jake pointed at the TV and said, "Embry's in the NFL." His voice and face were both stunned.

"What?!" I looked at the TV and there he was, staring back at me from the bottom of the television screen in a Buccaneers jersey, number twenty three, blazed white, rimmed in black. "Wow."

"Yeah, wow," Jake replied and changed the station.

I picked my book back up and opened it, staring down at the small black print, a little surprised Embry was playing for the NFL and Jake wasn't. Guess that's just the luck of the draw. Jake gets the girl and Embry gets the NFL. Funny how that works out.

Jake didn't say anything else about it, he just picked up the remote and changed the channel to Fox and watched the Patriots and the Colts try to kick each other's asses. I unfolded the corner of the page and tried to read for a little while longer but I could hardly concentrate. I always figured he'd graduate and find some random job that made him happy, playing in his band on the side. Embry never talked about playing in the NFL, never said it interested him. I never, not in a million years, thought he'd wind up in there.

The ringing of the phone brought me back to the here and now. I dried my hands on a dish towel and side stepped Avery as I crossed the kitchen to answer the phone before the old school answering machine beat me to it.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hey sweetie, it's me," Jake's voice answered. "I just wanted to call and let you know I was on my way home now. I got caught up in a parent teacher conference."

"I was worried about you," I told him. "Be careful coming home, it's still raining."

"I will. Do you need me to stop and get anything?"

I ran over my mental list of things to do, trying to think of anything I needed at the moment. Coming up blank I said, "Nope. Just need you to bring your sexy butt home in one piece."

Jake laughed; I heard papers shuffling in the background then the jingling of keys. "Okay, babe, I'm on my home right now. I'll see you in a bit."

"Love you," I said.

"Love you too," he replied and hung up.

I carried the phone back to its cradle and set it down, brushing the crumbs off the answering machine, a smile tugged at my lips. The damn thing always made me grin. We found it one day at Goodwill. A new one had just opened in the shopping center around the corner and it was like, vintage stuffs 'r' us. I found a lot of things there, apothecary jars and this ugly painting that only needed a new paint job and frame.

But back to the answering machine. Jake saw it sitting on the shelf wedged between a stack of plates embellished with an intelligent looking owl and some old Garfield coffee cups. He picked it up and grinned at me. I shook my head no, and instructed him to put it back.

From his sling around my front, Avery giggled. "Come on," Jake laughed. "Who has one of these anymore?"

"No one and I'm sure there's a reason why," I said with a giggle.

"Nah," Jake replied. "We're getting it. It'll be fun."

I failed to see what was supposed to be so much fun about an answering machine, but it made Jake happy. We bought it and it sat, disconnected, on the counter next to the phone for a week or so. That's when I realized what the fun part was – finding tapes for it.

It turned into a game or sorts, checking every store we went into for miniature cassette tapes. Whoever found them first would be the unofficial champion.

One sunny afternoon we found them at the dollar store. Well Jake found them, which made him the winner of the "let's find tapes for our answering machine" game. He became the official message maker and would leave random greetings on it. They always made me laugh whenever I would call and hear one. The one on there now was Jake and Avery, Jake was pretending to be Santa Clause and Avery was making his giggly babble in the background. He'd done it when I was out Christmas shopping with Rosalie. I called to tell him I was bringing home pizza for dinner and the answering machine picked up. I laughed so hard I cried.

On the microwave in the here and now, the timer dinged. I opened the oven to check the steaks. They were almost done and Jake wasn't home yet, so I turned the temperature on the oven down and closed it. In his walker Avery was "singing" along to Taylor Swift on the radio. I danced over and picked him up, kissing his cheeks.

"Hey bubba," I said as we danced back into the center of the kitchen.

He babbled back and I swayed back and forth singing to him. I went to the fridge and got the butter out and set it next to the pot of boiling broccoli.

"Why can't you see, Avery belongs to me," I sang to him. He grinned, the little white nubs of teeth poking through his gums, and poked my cheek with a slobber covered finger.

Behind me, the door leading to the garage opened and Jake stepped in. "Look Avery, Daddy's home," I exclaimed.

Avery babbled as we walked up to Jake. I leaned up on my tip toes and kissed his cool lips. "Hey babe, how was your day?" I asked as he shrugged out of his coat.

"It was okay," he said as he dumped his lunch box in the sink and went to hang up his coat.

"You said you had a parent teacher conference?" I went to the stove to turn the oven off and turn the radio down.

Jake came back and opened the fridge. He leaned in and pulled out a can of soda, cracking it open. "Yeah, my quarterback is having some issues in his math class. If he's not careful he's going to fail. I met with his parents and teacher to see if there was anything we could do to help him.

I carried Avery to his high chair and strapped him in. "That's good you're trying to get him help. Do you think he'll be able to pass still?"

Jake leaned down planting a kiss on Avery's head. "Yeah I think so, but we'll have to wait and see. What's for dinner?"

"Your favorite," I said, reaching inside the stove for the steak. Jake came around the counter and peered into the oven.

"Ah, see I knew there was a reason I loved you."

I smiled and set the pan down on the counter. Jake grabbed a small plastic bowl and put some potatoes in it for Avery. I set the steaks on a plate and dumped the broccoli into a bowl, carried both to the table as Jake carried Avery's potatoes to the table.

After we sat down Jake gave Avery his potatoes and turned to me. "How was your day?" he asked.

"It was good. I was kind of hoping it would stop raining. I'm getting sick of it."

Jake nodded. "I know what you mean. The kids have a hard time being cooped up inside the school all day."

"Yeah, I can imagine. I'm an adult and I'm going batty being cooped up inside all day."

Jake laughed and chewed a piece of steak.

"And we need to get a Christmas tree, there's like two weeks until Christmas."

"I know," he said. "We can go tonight, to Lowes, or Home Depot. Or even the tree tent set up in front of Kmart. It's up to you."

"We can go to Lowes," I replied staring down at my plate.

I missed the snowy winters of Forks; these mild rainy days were depressing and did little to make it really feel like Christmas. Add to that the grandiose dreams of sleigh rides through snowy tree farms, the kind where you search through six acres of trees for the perfect tree then end your day by going back to this north pole look alike building equipped with elves who served first rate hot chocolate. It was a ridiculous notion, but it was my notion, my Norman Rockwell Christmas. To be frank it sucked that our Christmas wouldn't be like that.

Jake hid a smile as he sipped his glass of water. "What else did you two do today?" he asked from behind the cup.

"Nothing much," I said with a shrug. "I picked up and put some stuff away, did a few loads of laundry. You know, just the usual."

"Sounds fun," Jake replied.

"Oh yeah loads, but don't let my husband find out." I smiled at him.

Jake leaned towards me. "Don't worry; you're secrets safe with me."

I wiped my brow and feigned relief, "Well thank god for that. Are you finished?"

Jake nodded; I excused myself and took his plate, dumping both into the empty dishwasher. I cleaned up quickly, loading the dishwasher and putting the leftovers in the fridge while Avery watched from his walker.

I picked him and carried him upstairs to wash his face, then it would be Bella versus Avery Nicolas and the winter coat. He hated the damn thing. I had no idea why. I dreaded having to take him anywhere lately, it was always a battle royale trying to get it on him.

Of course tonight was no different. I had one arm in the coat. He screamed, pounding his tiny fists against the soft cotton pad of the changing table. Once I started working on his left arm he slipped the right one out. I slid his right arm back into the coat, then, once again, started in on the left.

Same results.

I felt my irritation rising.

Four tries later I gave up. I picked up Avery and the jacket and went off to find Jake. He could deal with this. I heard humming coming from the bedroom and quickly stalked off in that direction. Jake was standing in the closet when I huffed in. I set Avery in the center of the bed, dropping the jacket on the foot of the bed.

"Jake," I said.

He whirled around quickly, startled. My anger melted away at the sight of my gorgeous, Jesus-you-put-the-Absolute-hunk-to-shame fiancé. Jake might have a bum shoulder and might not be able to play football anymore, but he still worked out, and looked, well…hot.

"What's wrong?" he asked a black long sleeved button up dangling from his hands.

"Your son," I said pointing at the bed, "is acting like I'm trying to kill him. And really, I don't feel like fighting a losing battle against a six month old.

Jake smiled and slid his arms into his shirt. He grinned at me as he buttoned it. I watched, thankful that his penchant for stupid shirts, i.e. the hungry, giant angry looking apple chasing a doctor shirt, went away with college. I watched his fingers skim his bare chest as he slid the pearlized buttons into their holes and all I wanted to do was tear it from his body and have my way with him on the floor of the closet.

"Go ahead and get ready to go, I'll put his coat on." Jake crossed the room and picked up Avery from the center of the bed. He said, "Why do you have to give mommy a hard time, huh monster? Why?" as I left the room.

I laughed and tore off my baby food crusted shirt, pulling on a clean sweater and ran a brush through my hair. I slid a thin coat of Chap Stick on my chapped lips then hurried down the stairs. Jake and Avery, decked out in his winter coat, were waiting by the door.

I scowled at Jake who wiggled Avery deridingly in front of me. "Bully," I muttered reaching into the closet for my coat.

Jake grinned and replied, "We speak the same language."

"Yeah, yeah, come on baby whisperer. Let's go get a Christmas tree."

Jake drove his blue SUV through the rain slicked streets to the Lowes that had seemingly popped up over night and parked in the overcrowded parking lot.

I manned the cart and we walked around their garden section trying to find a tree. Freezing rain fell in fat drops on our heads as Jake inspected Christmas trees. He picked up one that was taller than his six feet four inches and said, "What do you think of this one Bells?"

I turned to look at it, shaking my head no at the mammoth tree. I pushed the cart back towards the warmth of the building. Jake's feet slapped the wet pavement as he jogged to catch up.

"Look at that one," I said pointing at a tree on the end of the row. "That one's perfect."

Jake looked at the tree and shrugged. "Let's go look," he said taking off toward the tree.

I pushed the cart forward, stepping over a puddle. "Your daddy," I said to Avery, "is crazy."

He giggled merrily and babbled in his baby jibber jabber. I stopped just short of Jake who'd set the Douglas fir in the middle of the aisle.

"I like it," I said rubbing my hands together.

Jake spun it, inspecting it. Finally he said, "It is. I think this is the one we should get."

"Okay, you go take care of that. Avery and I are going to find lights and ornaments." I pushed the cart back into the store. Faith Hill was crooning about Christmas being lost. I hummed along, pushing Avery past the twinkling lights of the artificial Christmas trees set up in the center of the garden department and down an aisle lined on either side with Christmas lights of every shape, size, make and model.

Having never done this before I had no idea what kind of lights we'd need so I grabbed a couple packages of colored lights and some clear ones too. I walked down the aisle just tossing stuff into the cart. At the end of the row there was a display, tinsel and garland. I picked up one of each and held them both up.

"Which one little man?"

Avery reached for the shiny tinsel and I had a vision of him suddenly learning to crawl and feasting upon strand after strand of the plastic tinsel. I quickly put it back and tossed the long strands of garland into the cart. Grabbing the cart handle I pushed it down the rest of the aisle and turned, bumping into Jake.

"Tree's on the car. Are you almost ready?" he asked, peering into the cart taking in all the decorations inside.

"Yup just about," I replied as I tossed in a tree skirt featuring a snowman family hurling snowballs at one another.

It was still raining and the sky was dark as we drove back home. Bing Crosby sang softly on the radio, crooning about White Christmases and sleigh bells in the snow. I yawned, sleepy in the warm car and leaned my head against the headrest, peering out the window. House after house had Christmas lights up; they twinkled softly in the rainy night. Over the last six months our empty neighborhood filled up quickly. It seemed like each week moving trucks were coming and going; a constant parade as the vacancy number dropped and the occupancy numbers rose. All the neighbors, the Hutchinson's to the left and the Miller's to the right, as well as the William's, the Brown's and the Anderson's across the street were all friendly. Jake liked to joke that we moved to Stepford without even knowing it.

The pinging of raindrops on the roof stopped as Jake pulled into the garage. The engine rumbled loud in the small space before he turned it off. "If you want to take Avery inside and get him ready for bed, I'll bring all this stuff in."

I nodded and slipped Avery out of his car seat. He yawned and snuggled against my chest. "Come on sweet pea. We'll get you a clean diaper and then it's off to beddy bye land."

He cried as I laid him down on the changing table, his tiny fists batting the air. I shushed him and began humming White Christmas.

Avery sighed, his eyes drooping slowly shut. I pulled his tiny sneakers off and unsnapped his overalls, still humming. By the time I set him in his crib he was fast asleep. "Good night, sweet prince," I said dropping a light kiss onto his forehead. I clicked on the night light and stood beside his crib for a moment, watching him sleep. His chest fell and raised methodically, almost hypnotically – his breath a whisper in the quiet.

I stood there for a few seconds more, making sure he was really asleep before going downstairs. In the living room Jake was tossing logs into the fireplace, his back to me. He rocked back on his heels, blindly reaching for a section of newspaper. His fingers searched before finding their purchase. He twisted the newspaper, lighting one end as he shoved it between the logs in the fireplace. The logs slowly caught fire; a plume of smoke rose up the fireplace.

In the far corner on the same wall as the fireplace, Jake had set the tree in the large, green, plastic stand. The lights and ornaments were still in their bags on the floor.

Jake stood, then leaned down once more, picking up two glasses of red wine. "I thought I heard you standing there." I started walking towards him, we met in the middle of the living room, he handed me a glass of wine and smiled. "Want to do this tonight?" he asked motioning the bags of decorations littering the floor.

"What the hell," I shrugged. "Not like we have anything else to do."

Jake wrapped on arm around my waist and pulled me toward him. I resisted slightly; I'd been self-conscious these last few months. The c-section had done some damage to my self esteem and I hadn't felt as desirable as I had in the past.

I took a sip of wine and let the flavor swirl around my tongue before I swallowed. Jake leaned down and kissed me. I kissed him back, briefly before pushing him away.

He backed off; he knew I was uncomfortable with the way I looked now. He said nothing as he sat down on the floor and began opening Christmas lights.

"Clear lights or colored?" he asked, his voice carefully guarded.

I had a brief flash of memory, something from a long time ago. It didn't apply to Jake, but the situation. It was something Leah said about Embry, "Keep making him wait and you might just lose him."

"Jake…" I let my voice trail off. How was I supposed to say what I was feeling without sounding retarded?

"It's okay, Bella. Clear or colored lights?"

I set my wineglass down and came up behind him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "I'm sorry," I murmured into his neck, breathing in the damp, earthen smell.

He grabbed me and pulled me into his lap. "I love you," he growled and pushed his lips to mine. This time I didn't push him away. This time I parted my lips and let his tongue invade my mouth like enemy territory, the taste of wine, bitter on his tongue. This time I let him take off my stained sweater and too big jeans. This time I let him lay me down on the rug in front of the fireplace.

This time I let him make love to me without reaching for a blanket to cover up my stretch marks and c-section scar. This time, I let myself be Bella, not Bella the mom, or Bella the house-wife, I was Bella the woman who need her mans hands on her, his strong arms to pull her close to him as he whispered how much he loved her in her ear.

This time, it was perfect.

**Reviews are definitely better than finding out your schmucky ex-boyfriend is in the NFL**

Really quick...I know that most of you hate lamespice lemons, and I happen to be a lamespice lemon writer..that is one talent I do not posesses, so please forgive the lameness of Jake & Bella's intimacy at the end..that's what I'm comfortable writing and I hope that's okay.

Songs from this chapter:

If My Heart Was a House - Owl city

Nothing but a miracle – Diane Birch

Mayday Parade – You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground

After Midnight Project – Take me Home


	17. Falling Slowly

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer**

Real quick..I guess some stories are being yanked (?!?) if (and that's a huge if) any of mine ever do, you can find them here: http : // twilightsgrace23fanfic . blogspot . com / ...so yeah..on the other hand, yeah...double update today because its friday and fridays are awesome...enjoy!

**Bella**

Soft orange light from the fire flickered on the beige living room walls. Avery was asleep in his swing. A glass of red wine sat untouched on coffee table and Frosty the Snowman played quietly on the television.

I glanced away from the TV and up at Jake. His head was resting along the top of the couch, his eyes closed. I suppressed a smile; pretty soon he'd start doing that weird snoring-snort thing he did when he was tired.

I gently shook his shoulder. His eyes snapped open. "Huh what?" he said startled.

"You were falling asleep. Why don't you go to bed," I suggested.

"I'm not tired," Jake replied yawning.

I chuckled softly. That's what he always said. "So, I was thinking," I began, suddenly nervous.

"About what?"

"Well," I said as I took a deep breath. This was stupid, I shouldn't be nervous. It was the next natural step. We'd been engaged for six months and neither of us had brought up actually getting married. I'll admit things were pretty much perfect the way they were so why go ruining a good thing? Pretty perfect wasn't enough though. I wanted more. I wanted to be his wife. I exhaled and said, "I was thinking that maybe we should set a day, you know, for the wedding."

His eyes widened. I guess he assumed that I was happy with the things were and didn't want to take that step. "Okay. Did you have a particular date in mind?"

"Well," I said sheepishly. "I was thinking new years eve. Well more like 12:01 January first."

"You mean like next week?"

I nodded biting down on my chapped lip. It was soon but so what. Why not start the New Year as husband and wife.

Jake tilted his head to the side. I held my breath, expecting him to say no. but instead of no coming out of his mouth he smiled and said, "I love it. Just a small little party here. Maybe we can get Kate's husband, you've met Kate right?"

"Yes."

Kate was the art teacher, well one of them, at Jake's school. Her husband was a minister or a priest, something like that.

"Yeah, that's right, the Labor Day picnic. I can talk to her; see if her husband would be willing to marry us."

I smiled and nodded. "I'll call my parents in the morning; see if they can come down. It'll be fun."

"What will you wear?"

I shrugged. "I'm sure I can figure something out."

The following afternoon I called Sue and Charlie who agreed to come. Charlie laughed when Sue asked him if they could swing it. "We can manage," he'd called across the room. "Besides, I need an excuse to see my grandson again."

Christmas morning was clear and sunny, the rains had eventually subsided and our backyard was back to its normal, non-swampified state. Avery's eyes grew wide when Jake carried him down the stairs and he saw the twinkling tree and brightly wrapped gifts, but his amusement was long lived. He was content to sit on the floor chewing on a green plastic bow. Soon the bow was discarded and he went after the wrapping paper.

I pulled a scrap of paper from Avery's slobbery grip and looked over at Jake. He was sitting in front of the fireplace trying to put a toy together. He set the screwdriver down and said, "We should have saved ourselves the money and just bought the kid wrapping paper and ribbons."

He picked up the screwdriver and jabbed himself in the finger. "Damn it," he muttered reaching for the directions. Jake glanced from the paper in his hand to the misshapen jungle themed tree on the floor in front of him. He sighed, irritated.

"Do you want some help?" I sat down in front of him and took a length of ribbon away from Avery before he choked to death.

Jake handed me the screwdriver and the directions. "Have fun," he muttered.

I took the tree apart, setting the pieces out in front of me and started from scratch. Thirty five minutes later Avery was doing the booty scoot, his ass backward way of getting around, across the floor as he reached for a blue plastic elephant.

"Look bud, like this." I picked up a tiger and shook it. The tiger rattled, Avery's gaze followed my hand as I set the bright orange animal down. The tree played some jungle music as the tiger went down the slide. I clapped my hands. "Yay!" I exclaimed.

Avery laughed and mimicked me, clapping his own hands.

"Want to see it again?"

He screamed with fiendish delight as I sent a fire engine red rhino down the slide. Avery slammed the elephant against the floor and pushed a blue monkey dangling from the branches. The tree made a monkey noise which emitted another scream from him.

I put the rhino down the slide again. Avery mimicked and set the elephant on the top of the slide and gently pushed it. He clapped as it slid down the slide.

I leaned over and planted a kiss on his fuzzy head. "Merry Christmas baby boy." Then I leaned in the opposite direction and planted a kiss on Jake. "Merry Christmas."

* * *

On the morning of the thirtieth Sue, Charlie and Seth arrived in a flash of presents and hugs. Leah was in England playing soccer and due to arrive later in the afternoon.

The normally quiet house was louder what with Sue and Avery laughing and her constant stream of babbling. Charlie, Seth and Jake holed themselves up in the family room consumed with the Xbox.

Anxious for some quiet time I volunteered to go pick up Leah from the airport. The first thing she said when I saw her was, "What in the hell are you wearing?"

I laughed at her, amazed at the transformation she'd undergone over the last few years. When we first met she was tall, but slightly pudgy. While I was away at college she'd joined our high schools soccer team and lost a bunch of weight. Then she went away to some soccer camp, was immediately recruited by an English soccer, well football, team and now here she stood at a stunning five foot ten looking more like a model than a soccer player.

I looked down at my stained sweatshirt and shrugged. "New set of priorities," I said flippantly.

"Yeah I can see that," Leah replied.

"Shut up," I muttered.

We collected her luggage and headed to the car. "Do you know what you're wearing, you know, to get married in?"

I shrugged and popped the trunk. "I don't know. I hadn't really gotten that far," I admitted. I had a dress from some occasion long since forgotten that sat at the back of my closet covered in a plastic dry cleaners bag. I was planning on wearing that; if it fit or not was a totally different story.

"Bella," Leah said, exasperation coloring her voice. "You're getting married tomorrow and you don't know what you are wearing? Seriously?"

"I guess I need to find something huh?" I asked sheepishly.

"Duh," she said nodding, her glossy mocha curls bobbing up and down. "Off to Macy's!" she exclaimed and giggled. "I felt like Heidi Klum and this was a bad episode of that Project Model show."

"Runway," I corrected.

"Huh?"

"It's called Project Runway."

"Whatever," she said with a flick of her wrist.

I drove to the mall, parking outside the entrance to Macy's. Leah charged ahead like a conquistador conquering a new land. I followed behind her, right into the center of the party dress central. I picked up a few dresses and put them back without even giving them serious consideration. They were too tight looking and that nasty little monster called "body image" was rearing its ugly little head.

Leah came back with two white dresses in her hand. "Here," she said shoving them at me. "I got you these two and I want you to try them on."

I took them and looked at the size and frowned. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"Lee, these won't fit me," I said, trying not to sound upset at that tidbit of information.

"Why not?"

"They're the wrong size," I said in a small voice.

Leah rolled her eyes and shoved me toward the dressing room. "Shut up and try them on," she said.

I blinked back the tears and unwillingly went into the dressing room. They weren't going to fit and I was going to be even more upset when they didn't. "Leah," I pleaded.

"Shut up Bella and try the damn dress on."

I pulled off Jake's over-sized sweat shirt and my maternity jeans; they were comfortable so no judging, and unzipped the Maggy London dress, carefully stepping into. The material slid up over my hips comfortably. I slid my arms into the straps and pulled it up. Amazingly enough, it fit, at least unzipped. I opened the door and called to Leah. She appeared and zipped the back of the dress for me, then spun me around and gasped.

"Well oh my god, would you look at that," she said sarcastically. "It fits."

I turned and glanced at myself in the mirror. "It looks great on you. See this ruching in here," she pointed to the front of the dress. "It makes you look thinner, and this," she pointed at the plunging V of the neck, "Makes you look taller which makes you look thinner. Now try the other one on."

I closed the door and took the dress off, trying the second one on. It was a little different than the first one and had the same ruching as the first one, but I liked the second one better.

"I liked this one more than the first one," I said glancing in the three way mirror.

Leah looked up. "Yeah me too. I think that's the one you should get."

"Yeah," I said turning from side to side. "Okay, this is the one I'm getting."

I bought the dress and we headed home. "How is England?" I asked while we waited for traffic to creep slowly along the interstate.

"Rainy," Leah said flipping through the radio stations. "But other than that it's nice. The culture and history the place has, it's amazing. There's so much to see and do, I love it."

"That's good. I'd like to go there someday." I passed the exit ramp and the accident. Traffic picked up and I pressed the gas pedal.

"You should, you guys should definitely come to London. I think you'd love it."

I smiled at her. Our relationship was so different now than it was a few years ago. Truthfully it was nice not having to walk on eggshells around her. "Well thanks for coming home, you know for the wedding."

"Anytime, I wouldn't miss your wedding," she said. "Though it is a bit weird you're marrying my ex-boyfriend."

"Tell me about it," I laughed.

"So, can I ask this without it being weird?"

"Ask what?" I knew what; I was just hoping she wouldn't ask it.

"What happened with Embry?"

I sighed. "It's kind of a long story."

"We have time Bella."

"You're a nosy bitch aren't you?"

Leah grinned and turned the radio down. "I am, now spill it."

I spent the rest of the ride home recounting every sordid detail of my college career. As I pulled into the driveway Leah stared at me, her mouth hung open wide with shock. "Wow," was all she said.

"And that doesn't even begin to cover it," I muttered climbing out of the car.

"I'd say so," Leah replied.

The next morning Sue kicked Seth, Charlie and Jake out of the house. Then she took over my bathroom, spreading out enough beauty products to take down even the best salon.

"Mom, this is so not necessary," I complained as she and Leah dragged me to the bathroom.

"Oh shush," she said as she pushed me into a chair. "My oldest daughter is getting married. This is necessary." She reached for a large curler and wrapped my hair around it.

I suppressed a smile and kept my mouth shut as she worked.

"Are you excited?" she asked after securing the final curler in place.

"Um, no not really, you know. It's like we're married already, now it's just official."

Sue nodded. "Do you love him?" she asked softly.

I stared up at her incredulously. "Of course I do. Why would I be doing all this if I didn't?"

Sue stared down at me. "I don't know. You tell me."

I looked at her for a few minutes unsure of her motives. Why was she asking me if I loved Jake? Why would I be marrying him if I didn't love him? "Are you talking about high school?"

Sue's face remained neutral.

"Okay, yeah, things ended amicably between us, and yes we stayed friends, but I don't know. Something changed during college. It wasn't something I meant – or wanted – to happen, but it did. We grew closer and Embry and I grew apart. Maybe it was destiny or fate, whatever you want to call it, but maybe we were always meant to be together, just not until now.

"Am I glad I'm marrying him? Yes. Am I glad it hurt Embry, of course not, but it did and I can't change it. It is what it is and now we all have to live with it. It just turns out that what happened made two people happy." I shrugged feeling like I shouldn't have to defend my reasoning.

Sue nodded thoughtfully. "That's what I wanted to hear."

"Well alright then, if we're done with the Spanish Inquisition can we please take these rollers out of my hair, my neck is starting to hurt."

That night, all our neighbors and closest friends parked their cars in our driveway and along the curb and milled about as they waited for the midnight hour to approach. I found Charlie sitting in the living room discussing the stats of his favorite quarterbacks with Andrew Hutchinson from across the street. Charlie excused himself and followed me to the kitchen.

"So you're getting married," he said, pouring some soda into a glass.

I nodded and sipped my juice. "Seems that way."

Charlie laughed, "Never thought you'd be marrying this clown. I always figured it'd be the other clown."

"Jake's not a clown, Dad. He's a good guy, the best."

"Well that's debatable," Charlie shrugged. "At least he did right by you when it counted."

Sue came in and grasped my arm. "It's time," she said before turning to Charlie and saying, "I'll come get you when it's that time."

She ushered me upstairs to my room and shut the door. Leah came in a few minutes later. "Is it time?" she asked.

Sue yelled that it was and asked Leah to get my dress out of my closet. I sat down at the vanity table and let Sue freshen up my curls and re-applied my makeup. I was staring in the mirror when she sat down beside me. "Okay, I haven't had a lot of time to prepare this little speech so bear with me."

I turned to face her, listening as she spoke. "Things happen, for whatever reason they happen. They are what they are, you can't change it – only learn and grown from them. You know this, I know you do. I just want you to remember that. You and Jake have something special. Hold onto it. Cherish it because you never know what might happen. Live each day, love each day like there won't be a tomorrow, because one day there might not be." Her words, as kind as they were meant to be, sounded almost like a bad omen. "Now go see your sister so you can get dressed and I will go check on Avery."

We left the bathroom. Sue went to the door; it closed quietly behind her as she left. "Come on hussy," Leah said hopping off the bed. She retrieved my dress from the closet while I changed out of my current outfit. I stepped into the white dress and turned so Leah could zip me up.

After she finished zipping my dress I crossed the room, opening my jewelry box where the freshwater pearl earrings Renee wore when she married Phil sat waiting. I took them out of the box and carefully slid them into my ears.

"Do I look alright?" I asked turning around.

Leah nodded, "You look beautiful. Want me to get Dad?"

I gave her a brief nod and she disappeared out of the room. I swallowed and smoothed the front of my dress. The door opened and Sue stepped in. "Avery's sleeping soundly. Where's your sister?"

"Right here," she said, Charlie in tow. "Everything's ready."

"Honey you look gorgeous," Charlie said to me.

"Thanks Dad." A warm blush crept along my face. Charlie took my arm and the five of us left the room. Sue and Leah hurried down the stairs first. Charlie glanced at me before taking that first step. "Are you sure about this?" he asked.

What the hell was going on? "Of course I am Dad."

Charlie smiled. "Alright, just checking. We could've high tailed it out of here if you wanted."

I rolled my eyes and smiled. "Come on."

Together we took the stairs. I stumbled halfway down. Charlie quickly righted me. "Careful there kiddo, don't want to fall and break your neck."

"Thanks Dad," I said.

Halfway down I could hear music playing, it was classical, that much I could tell, but aside from that it was too low to tell exactly what it was. Jake and Kate's husband, Garrett I think was his name, were waiting in front of the fire place. We had moved most of the furniture into the family room so we'd have room for this. A fire was, naturally, burning behind Jake and the minister. He smiled at me as Charlie walked me into the room. I returned the smile as we took the ten short paces and met him at the end of the room.

There was a momentary flash of childishness as I took his hand. I felt like the little girl playing dress up, getting ready to marry the little boy who lived next door. Jake had on black slacks and a dark navy blue dress shirt, the top button undone his bare chest peaking out.

"You look beautiful," he murmured and I blushed, actually feeling beautiful.

The minister waited, glancing at his watch. "Okay," he said, "It's time" and launched into his marriage is a circle spiel. He finished up and had us repeat after him. I secretly wanted him to just shut up and get to the "you may now kiss the groom" part. I bit back a smile, twenty-three and still impatient as a five year old kid being tempted with a treat.

Ten seconds to midnight people started counting down, their voices growing louder the closer they got to one.

"Ladies and gentleman," the minister said, "I am pleased to present Mr. and Mrs. Jacob Black."

The crowd shouted one and Jake grabbed my waist and dipped me back, kissing me our first kiss as husband and wife as the clock gonged the New Year.

"First dance?" Someone hollered.

Jake looked at me and shrugged. "What do you say?"

"Sure, let's dance."

"Turn it up!" Jake hollered.

The classical music ended abruptly and the first strains of piano poured out of the radio as Glen Hansard and Marketa Iraglova sang about falling slowly. Jake took my hand and spun me around once then pulled me close to him, singing softly in my ear. I leaned my head against his chest and sighed happily.

"Do you want to go on a honeymoon?" he asked as the song ended.

I leaned back and glanced up at him. "Are you serious?"

He nodded and said, "Yeah, we can go somewhere for a night or for a week; it's up to you."

"What about Avery? And work?"

Jake pointed across the room toward Charlie and Sue who were swaying along with Be Be Your Love, the song that was coming out of the stereo. "They said they'd stay here if we wanted to go somewhere. Your dad said it was their wedding gift to us. And work, well, I have a few days of vacation I could use."

I smiled at Charlie, who was spinning Sue around.

"We could go to Orlando or Miami…I'm not sure, I never really thought about it."

"So you would want to go somewhere?"

I shrugged, "sure why not. I mean you only get married once, right?"

Jake chuckled. "Right."

"As long as we aren't away that long. You know, I don't want Avery to forget me."

Jake laughed, it sounded like it came from his toes, up through his belly and out of his mouth. I loved it when he laughed like that. "Trust me, Avery would never forget you. But we'll go somewhere, it'll be a surprise."

* * *

Three days later we were zipping down the interstate doing an easy seventy miles an hour. Green landscape rushed by the windows and I stared out, wondering why we were headed toward Tampa. I stopped asking where we were going two hours ago after being told "I'd see when we got there," for the tenth time.

A few minutes later Jake pulled off the interstate, and after several twists and turns, turned down a street. We drove down the road lined on one side by the ocean on the left and cute little bungalows on the right. A large sign welcomed us to Palm Harbor.

Jake pulled into the parking lot of a small hotel and got out of the car. He came around to my side of the car and opened the door with a flourish. "Mrs. Black," he said grasping my hand.

"Why thank you Mr. Black," I giggled taking his hand.

Jake laughed, and escorted me into the hotel's lobby. We checked in and took the elevator to the top floor. If the lobby was impressive the room was majestic. The soft blue walls and crisp white paint were comforting. I walked across the fluffy carpet to the patio doors and opened them. The view of the ocean from this height was breathtaking. I turned to Jake. "What are we doing here?" I asked, looking around the room in amazement.

Jake smiled. "Did you bring your camera?" he asked.

Confused, I nodded my head. "Why?"

"There are nine botanical gardens in like, every direction. I thought it would be fun to spend a few days visiting them. Sound fun?"

"Oh my god I love you," I said and jumped up, wrapping my legs around his waist, my arms around his neck. "I love you so much," I repeated leaning down to kiss him.

Jake lowered me to the bed, the sun filtered through the curtains sending rectangular rays across the bed. I fell back across the lacy white comforter, reaching for the zipper on Jake's pants. There was no time to talk, the urgency was overwhelming. I wanted, no needed, him so bad that it physically hurt. I pushed myself up and fumbled with the zipper.

Jake felt it as well; he pushed my hands out of the way and ripped his pants off. I pulled my shirt up over my head and shimmied out of my pants. We were both naked, facing each other, skin flushed, chests rising and falling in heady anticipation. Then like magnets, we came together. Jake shoved his hand in my hair, crushing his lips to mine. The tip of his erection pressed into my stomach as our tongues tangoed in trembling delight. It became too much; Jake tore his lips from mine, his forehead pressed against mine breathing heavily.

He pushed me back, knelt between my legs and thrust himself upon me. I cried out as he wrapped an arm around my back and held me against his chest. His arm trembled as it gripped the headboard, quivering under each pleasure inducing thrust.

"Bella," he groaned, "I-"

"I don't care," I exhaled, riding the wave as satisfaction washed over me.

Later as we lay naked in each other's arms, basking in the sun, Jake tracked the contours of my waist, the curve of each breast. His finger circled a nipple then tugged it. I giggled and pushed his hand away.

He growled and reached for it again. "Stop it," I said and playfully smacked his hand.

He rolled over, hovering above me, pinning my arms to the bed. He had that mischievous, 'I wanna do bad things to you' look in his eyes, and so began round two. No botanical gardens were seen that day. The next day - after spending the entire night doing things that would make most porn stars jealous - we drove to the Florida Botanical Gardens and walked through the Butterfly Garden where swallowtails and monarchs fluttered across the mosaic stepping stone pathways.

I took pictures of the butterflies; on the way out I saw a raccoon peeking out of the bushes at me. I raised the camera and snapped a couple of pictures of the masked animal.

With one garden down and eight more to go Jake promised we'd see them all over the next few days. As the sun set we decided to go out to a bar around the corner, just to catch some local entertainment.

Big Mistake.

Huge.

Just...huge.

**Reviews are better (lol not really) than finally marying Jake..lol.**

Songs from this chapter:

New Moon – Alexandre Desplat (The New Moon Score)

Falling Slowly – Glen Hansard & Marketa Iraglova

Be, Be Your Love – Rachael Yamagata


	18. Sometime Around Midnight

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**Embry**

I was a running back in the NFL, the _NFL_ for Christ's sake. Why was I here?

The answer was simple. Dean and Sam asked me to come, and after all they'd done for me, how could I say no? I couldn't.

So here I was standing on the stage in Sam's father's bar smack dab in the center of Tampa. The dull murmur of voices and the clinking of shot glass, frosty beer mugs and bottles of imported beer slammed against the bar, each other, and the rickety tables set up in a haphazard fashion. The sound was somewhat comforting, thought I didn't know why.

Maybe because it was a sound that reminded me of a time when things were right, a time when things made sense. Things were right now, they made sense, but there was always that one thing that was missing.

That things name was Bella.

It was a year, no longer now, a year and a half since I'd last physically seen her with my own two eyes, but I saw the visage of her everywhere. She was the head cheerleader for the football team, the general managers much younger wife, the girl serving coffee in the Starbucks around the corner from my condo, the call girl I slept with last weekend.

She was everywhere and no where all at the same time. It made me physically ill sometimes, the need to see her, to touch her, to feel her warm skin against mine.

The need, desire, made me feel pathetic; weak and pathetic that I was still pining away over a girl who had done me so horribly wrong. I felt like a chump, stuck in this strange existence where I was haunted by the ghost of my still living ex-girlfriend.

I sighed. It was what it was. I hated it, hell, who wouldn't. But nowhere was it written that I had to like it, I just had to live with it. Or at least pretend like I was living with it, no matter how bad it hurt or how crazy it made me seem.

A shout and a woman's shrill voice shook the fog from the trip down memory lane from my head. I looked out across the bar at the tall blonde with frosty highlights shouting at a burly man in a torn pair of jeans and oily leather vest, a black bandana with grinning skulls covered his head.

Blondie shook her finger at him. Bandana man laughed and handed Blondie her drink. She shoved him and turned to walk away. He reached out and slapped her ass, soliciting another angry look from Blondie.

Dean and I stood on the stage, tuning our guitars. Sam was behind us at the drums tapping out a steady beat, a _rap, tap, rap, tap, tap._

I turned to Dean and said, "Styx first, or one of our own?"

Dean and Sam said, "Styx," at the same time.

"Okay," I mumbled and looked down at my guitar. I should've known. Those two chuckleheads worshipped the ground Styx walked on. After all these years I was willing to bet I could play Renegade better than Styx.

I glanced over at Sam. He was sitting behind his drums, holding his sticks impatiently He nodded once. _I'm ready_ the nod said. Dean glanced up and nodded as well. We were ready. The manager turned the spotlight on and announced the band. The patron's clapped, a few cheered.

Halfway through a mindless rendition of Renegade I looked out at the crowd, scoping out the hot chicks when I saw _her_, a flash of brunette hair by the bar. _It's not real_, I told myself. Over the noise of the crowd and the song I heard her laugh, a sound that was all too familiar. The rest of the bar, the band – the song, it all fell away and there was only her.

Memories flooded my mind and my emotions went into overdrive and suddenly I was right there again, right in the middle of her living room having my chest torn open. The pain ripped at my heart, picking at the frayed and barely scabbed edges.

The brunette turned and glanced up at the stage. I wanted it, her, to not be real. I wanted, for once, for her to face me and be someone else. I'd sell my left nut, hell probably the right one too, for it to not be her. For it to be someone else just once.

I could never be that lucky. Of all the bars, in all the cities, in all the world, she had to walk into mine. And this wasn't any damn hallucination, this was the real deal. Her smile froze when she saw me. The words escaped me. I stood there, mouth trying to form the words, fingers messing up the guitar chords.

Dean glanced over at me, saw the look on my face and finished the rest of the song. I stood there feebly attempting to look normal, but each movement was slow and exaggerated. My lungs felt like they were being squeezed from the inside, I couldn't breathe. The scene in front of me swam before my eyes, the edges became blurry and I wanted to bolt, just tear ass out of the bar and run to hell and back.

As soon as the song was over I bolted off the stage, tripping over an amp wire. I fell on my elbows and pushed myself up. Dean and Sam came after me, following me down the long hallway that ran behind the stage.

I leaned against the wall in the dimly lit hall and struggled to catch my breath.

"Dude what's wrong?" Dean asked.

I shook my head, waving them off. I didn't want them, or anyone, to see me like this. I looked like a fucking crybaby.

Bella, my Bella, the real life flesh and non-hallucination Bella, was standing in the crowd. What the fuck was she doing here? This was my place, my city. What the hell was she doing here? She had no right to contaminate my city with her presence. I caught my breath, vision returned to normal and my heart slowed.

"Come on, we'll go get a drink and finish the set," Sam said as he grabbed my arm and tried to drag me towards the bar.

"I don't want a drink, I'm fine," I protested.

"Dude, you need a drink, no fuck that, you need the whole god damn bottle of tequila."

I sighed and relented. They weren't going to give in, might as well get a drink, try like hell to ignore Bella and finish the set. Then I could do home and crawl in bed and drown myself in my own misery.

The three of us walked toward the end of the bar closest to the hall. I leaned against it as Sam reached around and snagged three beers out of the cooler. He handed one to me and one to Dean. I twisted the cap off and took a long swallow.

I turned and looked over my shoulder nonchalantly. Bella wasn't alone anymore. Jake was standing beside her, his arm protectively on the small of her back. He was leaning down, whispering in her ear.

I took another long swallow from the amber beer bottle, shoving my emotions away. Who cared about her? Stupid bitch ruined my life.

I couldn't help it, I looked at her again. They were standing directly across from on the opposite side of the bar. Bella had a glass of red wine in her hand and she was sipping it nervously. Jake hulked over her, a dark green bottle of beer in his hand.

I couldn't look away, my eyes greedily drinking in the sight of her. She looked different, but in a good way. Something about her had changed, what it was though, I couldn't quite put my finger on. Finally I tore my eyes off of her and turned away, swallowing more beer. The beer slipped in my sweaty palm.

"Are you okay man? You look like you've seen a ghost," said Sam.

"I have," I muttered. It was the god's honest truth.

We broke up over a year and a half ago. The last image I had of her was her standing in the middle of her living room ,eyes red and puffy, guilt written all over her face. She looked like her world had just fallen apart.

That might have been true but she had just _obliterated_ mine.

That was the image of her I carried around. It was like a wedge, embedded deep within, that kept my heart from healing, it kept me from feeling anything for anyone. And to be honest, I liked it that way; my heart split wide open. It kept me from letting anyone else in, kept me from ever getting hurt like that again.

_Fuck, I sound like a chick. That's some straight up Vagina Monologues bullshit, _I thought as I swallowed the last of my beer.

I set the empty bottle down on the bar. Sam handed me another. I accepted it and twisted the cap off, scanning the bar. My eyes landed on her. This time she looked up, glancing at me from beneath the lashes framing her dark brown eyes. They latched onto mine from across the bar.

My heart raced in my chest. She held my gaze for a minute, then flicked her attention away. Bitch was toying with me. I blatantly stared as Jake leaned down, whispering in her ear. She glanced up as his lips moved against her ear. Her eyes met mine again and she smiled, biting down on her lower lip.

She held my gaze as Jake continued whispering in her ear. She laughed, her head falling back exposing her long neck. She turned and wrapped her arms around Jake's neck. She kissed him, her back to me, making a show of it.

I felt sick and pissed, my blood pounded in my ears. The jukebox roared to life, music poured out. I turned my back to her, felt her eyes penetrating my back, heard her laugh again. She was goading me, egging me on.

_I have to get the hell out of her,_ I thought desperately as I finished my beer and stupidly reached for another. I was going to need about twelve more of those just to make it out of the bar alive. The beer sizzled as I twisted the cap off. My stomach clenched when I heard, "Embry?"

Her voice was sweet, melodic, a balm to soothe my aching soul. I wanted to grab it, her, and wrap it around me and sleep in it. Then the images of her and Jake lying in bed, their naked bodies tangled in the sheets of Bella's bed chased away the sweetness. She was a snake in Barbie's clothes.

My heart slammed against my ribs and with the beer in my hand, I slowly turned to face her. _Don't look over your shoulder, _Reason shouted. I disobeyed and faced her, taking in her appearance starting with the black boots. They stopped just above her ankle bone, my eyes travelled up her legs clad in sheer black tights. Her dress left little to the imagination, more black, clingy fabric that gripped her hips, the top cut down in a low 'v' revealing the curve of her breast.

I must have died and gone straight to hell; there was no way that this, she, was real.

Her perfume, sickeningly sweet, invaded my head like a tidal wave of memories washing over me. Memories of the time we'd been together flooded me. The English assignment our junior year of high school, dancing to the song about the lost being found at prom, graduation. Bella's tears when she didn't get accepted to UF. The first time we made love, the rage of the storm and her rain slicked hair pressed against her forehead. I could see the curl of her body, her legs entwined between mine, the rise and fall of her chest as slept. Making love in the shower, her soapy hands sliding over my body, the tiny mewling sounds she made, and the way her legs would twitch when she came.

The room spun. I felt sick. The memories kept coming, the dam had been broken. There was Bella, tearing her clothes off one hot July night as she charged toward the churning Atlantic Ocean. Bella crying. Bella arguing with me. Bella cheering me on from the stands during football games. Bella standing in the crowd at a show in Orlando mouthing the words to all the songs I wrote for her and only her, Bella in bed with my best friend one warm November night.

She was my muse, my goddess, my reason for…for what exactly? For being, for living and loving, for being a good person, for wanting to do well. Everything I wanted, I wanted because it would make her happy and in turn made me happy.

She stood before me, her hands wrapped around her glass of wine. It looked like blood, dark and red swirling in her glass. I glanced down and took in the small diamond engagement ring, the silver wedding ring. Apparently they were married, how cute. I fought back the burst of bitter laughter threatening to explode my within me. We stood there staring at each other for a few minutes. Bella shifted nervously from one foot to the other. I could see the regret in her eyes. I could still read her like a book. I wondered if Jake could as well.

We stood there staring at each other for a second. I hoped if I ignored her long enough, she'd get the message and just leave me the hell alone.

She didn't. "How are you?" Bella finally asked raising her voice over the roar of the jukebox.

What was this fucking song? Was the god damn band hiding in the back of the bar, watching this little scene take place and singing an impromptu song about this very moment? I wanted to glance at my watch to see if it really was sometime around midnight, wanted to fucking losing myself for a minute or two.

And the white dress, well black in her case…damn was he right about not seeing her for a while. Now here she was, standing before me, waiting.

"Bella," I replied curtly. "I'm fine, how are you?"

She smiled nervously at me then glanced in Jake's direction. I looked over at him, this stranger who looked like my former best friend. He gave a curt nod and pressed his beer bottle to his lips.

"I'm well. I just wanted to come over and say hi, you know. I saw you and thought it would be rude not to."

"Rude?" I snorted. I couldn't help the next thing that slipped out. "For fuck's sake you slept with my best friend. It would have been polite for you to stay away."

Her face flushed and her mouth opened forming a little 'o' of surprise, as if I'd slapped her. She took an involuntary step back.

I took the opportunity and pushed past her, heading down the hall to the supply closet. I felt sick, my stomach was in knots and I wanted to die.

I couldn't stand there and act like the past didn't happen, or that the time had made it okay. That might be the case for her, but sure as hell not for me. I couldn't pretend that seeing her standing by the bar tonight, Jake's hand on her back hadn't ripped my heart out of my chest.

Pausing in the doorway I turned to see Bella and Jake heading for the door. He had his arm around her waist, guiding her through the crowd. I turned away not wanting to see her walk away again then I pushed open the door to the utility closer and threw up in the oversized sink that smelled like cat piss, beer and mildew.

I should have just taken Tammy, the head cheerleader, home with me like she suggested. But no. I had to run out and put on one more show. College buddies call and I come running like a little bitch, convincing myself it's for old times' sake.

What a fucking joke. Old times were exactly that and you couldn't relive the glory days once they passed.

I wiped the vomit off my face and rinsed my mouth.

It was done and she was gone. Why couldn't I just get on with my life as she obviously had?

**Reviews are better than being haunted by your ex-girlfriend..even if you are a schmuck**

Songs from this chapter:

Sometime Around Midnight – The Airborne Toxic Event


	19. Time Flies

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

I felt/still do, feel bad for Embry, even if everything that happened is mostly, well all his fault...I kept asking my friend Jenn if she thought it was nuts that he still had feelings for her (she knew all along what was going to happen) and she said no...so that's why he's still around...I promise that after the next chapter things will start falling into place...as always, thank you for reading...

**Bella**

After the smoky haze of the bar, the cold air was a welcome respite. The crisp breeze cooled my flaming cheeks but did little to douse Jake's anger. He stalked across the parking lot. He didn't have to say it, I knew he was pissed. Whether his anger was directed at me or Embry though, I wasn't sure. It didn't take long to find out. He opened my car door, impatiently waiting for me to get in.

I slid into the car, the leather seat cold on my back. The door slammed and Jake skulked around the front of the car, sliding behind the steering wheel. He slammed the door angrily and turned to me. "I can't believe you went over there," he thundered.

I flinched at the volume of his voice and threw my hands up defensively. "I saw him, Jake, he saw me. What did you want me to do, ignore him? Just stand there and pretend like he wasn't boring a hole in my head with his eyes?"

"Well jeez, Bells, I don't know. We were having a good time and I know for a fact he sure as hell wasn't going to come over and say hello to us, so yeah maybe you should've just ignored him and the fact that he was eyeballing the shit out of you."

I turned in my seat and stared out the window. The parking lot was full and more cars were pulling in every minute. To be honest I don't know why I did it. I felt, I don't know, compelled. Part of me wanted to rub it in his face that I was fine without him and part of me, albeit a small, very small, part of me wanted to see if he was as okay as I was. But Jake was right. I should've ignored him. I should've turned my back, drank my wine and pretended that Embry didn't exist. I felt immature for wanting to be vindictive. I relented. "I'm sorry Jake," I said meekly. "I don't know what I was thinking."

Jake sighed and started the car. The trip back to the hotel was quick. "Don't worry about it Bella." His tone said this was far from over as he turned into the hotel parking lot.

Jake parked the car and we got out, heading to our room. The sheets were turned down when Jake opened the door. I sighed, tired and ready to go home. I went into the bathroom and turned the water on. "Hey Jake?" I called as I washed the makeup off my face.

"Yes?"

"Can we cut our trip short and go home tomorrow? I miss Avery and I'm pretty sure if you've seen one botanical garden, you've seen them all."

Jake came into the bathroom, wrapping his arms around my waist. He stared at our reflections in the mirror; I could still see that faint traces of anger lingering just under the surface of his gaze. "If that's what you want."

I nodded and finished getting ready for bed. It was late and I was tired, not to mention emotionally exhausted. Jake was already in bed when I came out of the bathroom. I clicked the light off and padded quietly to the vacant side of the bed soundlessly slipping in beside him.

* * *

We left Palm Harbor in the morning. The drive back to Jacksonville was quiet, the radio played softly in the background, but neither of us said much of anything. Jake was still kind of pissed about the night before. I understood, but I didn't. I saw Embry, he saw me, I just couldn't leave it be.

We got home shortly after noon. Sue and Avery were in the living room playing with the jungle toy he got for Christmas when we walked in. Jake carried our bags upstairs not saying a word. I went into the living room and sank down next to Avery and pulled him into my lap.

Kissing the top of his forehead I glanced up at Sue who was reading me like an open book.

"How was your trip?" she asked, her voice guarded. She knew something was up; we were only gone for two days.

"It was alright," I said softly as I took the rhino Avery offered me.

"What happened?" she asked.

"We went to a bar, there was a band playing. It was Embry's band-"

"Was he there?"

I nodded once.

"What about the NFL?" she asked.

I shrugged and pushed a lock of hair out of my face. "I don't know. We saw him on TV a few weeks ago, so I have no idea. Maybe it's something he does for fun."

"Did he talk to you?"

"Uh, not really, I kinda went to talk to him."

"Why?!"

"I don't know," I shrugged helplessly. "I, I just wanted to, I don't know."

"What did Jake say?"

"Well you saw him, mom, he's pissed."

Sue shook her head. "You two need to move back home, then you won't even have to worry about running into him again."

I sighed, here we go again. Anytime anything happened this is what she resorted to, the "come home it'll be better that way" speech.

"Can't run away from my problems mom," I said. "Besides, Jake's job is here, the house, all that stuff."

Sue nodded and reached out, pushing that same strand of hair off my face. "Life was so much easier when you were a teenager huh?"

I laughed bitterly. "Sure was."

* * *

That night Jake and I had it out behind the closed door of our bedroom. I was in the sitting room, Yiruma playing softly on the CD player and reading _The Last Song _when Jake came in.

He stopped in the doorway and was reading over my shoulder. Avery was asleep and Sue, Seth, and Charlie were packing up, getting ready to head home in the morning.

"So," Jake said sitting down across from me.

I sighed and closed the book. _Here we go_; I thought and set it on the table. "So," I replied.

"Really Bella?"

I groaned. I didn't want to play this stupid game with him. It was done and over with. So I told him that.

Jake pushed himself out of his chair and faced me. "It was stupid, Bella. It was really, fregging stupid."

"Don't you think I know that?" I yelled back. "I know that Jake, Jesus Christ don't you think I know that?"

"Apparently not. What the hell were you thinking? That's Embry for Christ sakes, that whole encounter could have gone so much worse." He ran his hand through his hair and paced to the window, glancing out at the street below.

"Why does it bother you so much? Do you have an issue with me calling Leah and talking to her?"

"That's different," he protested.

"How?"

"Well for starters she's your sister and second, I wasn't dating her and she didn't walk in and find us in bed together."

I sighed. "Whatever Jake, you're being ridiculous. All I did was say hello to him. It's not like I walked up to him and asked him if he wanted to go for a romp in the sack, you know, for old times' sake. Besides, we're home, it's not like we're ever going to see him again."

"I love your nonchalance," he muttered and stomped into the bathroom, slamming the door.

I had no idea why he was so pissed. It was stupid and he needed to get over it. It was done and over with - well it would be if he'd stop dragging it up every five seconds. I said I was sorry, but no, that wasn't good enough for him. I picked up my book and continued reading.

We went to bed angry with each other that night. I was mad because he was mad at me. Stupid, I know, but it was what it was.

Jake went back to work the next morning. I drove my family to the airport. I stood with Avery on my hip, watching them walk down the terminal. After they disappeared, I went home and turned on the radio and cleaned my house. I refused to think about our argument or Embry's nasty words.

When Jake came home from work that afternoon he didn't say a word about Embry or the bar. I figured he realized it was stupid and let it go too.

The incident was soon forgotten as one Avery Nicholas learned how to crawl.

It was two weeks after we got back from Palm Harbor. I left Avery in the living room playing with his toys while I ducked into the bathroom. He was sitting outside the bathroom door when I opened it.

Scared the hell out of me, that's for damn sure, but I chalked it up to the butt scoot. He would sit up and scoot across the carpet using his feet and legs to pull him. Lately, he'd been on his hands and knees and would rock back and forth so I was waiting for him to take off, but he hadn't.

So I picked him up and carried him back to the living room and continued cleaning. I was dusting the mantle and singing along to a Snow Patrol song, not really paying attention when I realized it was suddenly quiet. Too quiet. The jungle toy had been playing its George of the Jungle like song all morning and now it was quiet.

I turned around, dust rag in hand and scanned the room looking for Avery.

The living room was empty; the only things keeping me company now were the rhino, the tiger and the elephant. "Avery?" I called and went off to find him, panic squeezing my stomach.

I rounded the corner into the kitchen. "Avery," I called again. I kept going, walking through the kitchen into the dining room. No Avery.

I ran, really freaking out now, back into the living room. I heard a giggle from the family room and ran toward the sound.

Avery was sitting in the middle of the family room laughing at the worried expression on my face. I scooped him up and held him close to my pounding chest.

"You scared me buddy," I said. "How did you get in here?"

I checked the doors to make sure they were still locked, for some reason the idea that he crawled in there eluded me. At least until I saw him in action.

That night when Jake got home, I didn't say a word about it. We were sitting in the living room watching the news, well Jake was, I was sitting on the floor playing with Avery, when he just crawled over to Jake and started pulling on his pant leg.

Jake looked down, surprised. He looked from me to Avery, then back to me. "Did you see that?!" he exclaimed.

I nodded and launched into my Avery-disappeared-and-scared-the-shit-out-of-me-tale.

Jake laughed and sat down on the floor, watching in awe as Avery crawled back towards me. He went back and forth between us until right before his bedtime when he laid down in between the two of us and closed his eyes, humming contentedly in the back of his throat. I crawled over and tickled him. Avery jumped and started crying.

"Aww, I'm sorry baby. Come on, let's take a bath and go to bed."

I kissed Jake on my way upstairs and whisked Avery off for a quick bath and then to bed. Jake was watching Two and a Half Men when I came back down.

I sat down beside him and picked up _The Last Song_. He muted the TV and turned to me. "Okay, I know it was weeks ago, but here's the reason I was mad."

I dog-eared the page and set the book down, gazing at him expectantly.

"I was jealous, okay, that you wanted to talk to him. I've seen his devils charm work its magic on you one too many times. Who's to say this time wouldn't have been any different."

I looked up at him. "I love _you_," I said forcefully. "Not him, not anymore. You're the one who's been there for me, you're the one who picked me up when I was down, you're the one who was always there, no matter what. I don't want _him._ I want you, _Jake_."

Jake sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I love you," he said. "And I don't want to lose you, I might have over-reacted a bit. It just scared me when I saw him standing there." He shrugged. "I'm sorry."

I leaned up and kissed him. "Let's just put it behind us. And in the future, if we ever happen to be in a situation like that again, we'll either leave, or just turn our backs and not worry about him."

Jake agreed and we went back to our regularly scheduled night. The months passed by quickly and relatively uneventfully. The winter made its seamless transition into spring and before we knew it, it was time to start planning Avery's first birthday.

We decided that since the family came down here for the wedding we would go there for Avery's birthday so I packed our little families bags and we flew to Forks for Avery's first birthday.

*** * * **

"Blow the candles out buddy!" I said and leaned down to blow them out for Avery.

Charlie and Sue cheered. I cut a piece of cake for him and set it down on the tray of the high chair. Avery grinned and yelled "Dada mmm baba aha," then shoved a handful of chocolate cake in his face.

Jake was sitting in a chair opposite Avery. He looked tired and pale. After I finished cutting the cake, I handed the knife to Sue and went to check on Jake. "You okay?" I asked dropping down next to him.

He nodded feebly and said, "Yeah, I'm just a little tired, and I don't feel so hot."

"Why don't you go upstairs and lie down for a little while."

Jake shook his head no. "It's my sons first birthday, I'll be fine."

I looked at him skeptically. "Jake, you're not superman; no one will hold it against you if you don't feel good."

"I know," he said but showed no sign of budging so I let it be.

"Jake, do you want me to see if we have any pepto? It might make you feel better." Sue made a move to go upstairs but Jake waved her off.

"I'll be fine," he moaned.

I thought it strange to be sick in the middle of June, but then again we left Florida where it was pushing ninety and flew to Forks were it was a cool seventy seven during the day. I figured he was having a sort of weather shock.

I took a piece of cake from Sue and sat down, picking up my camera. Avery was covered in chocolate cake. His hair was streaked with bits of red, blue, and yellow icing. It was going to be one heck of a mess to clean up later.

Avery grinned and mashed cake into his face. He squealed with sugar induced delight. I laughed and snapped a picture of his toothy grin.

"Dada mmmm baba," Avery yelled smacking the tray of the high chair. I snapped a couple more pictures and got up to clean the cake mess of the chair.

"Oh leave him be for a few more minutes," Sue chided. "Finish your cake."

I looked at her and laughed, "Like I really need the cake."

She shook her fork at me and said, "Oh knock that off. You're beautiful the way you are."

"I know," I muttered.

Jake got up and walked by, "I'm going to go lay down, just for a little while, I'm starting to feel worse."

I gazed up at him, worried. He looked really pale, a light sheen of sweat glistened on his skin. I got up to follow him up the stairs, but Jake waved me away. "Stay with Avery," he said breathlessly, "I'll be fine."

I watched him walk out of the kitchen and heard him walking softly up the stairs, then sat back down. "Is that cake yummy Avery?"

"Mmmm," Avery said and shoved more cake in his face.

"How have things been?" Sue asked.

I shrugged and pushed the cake around on my plate. "They've been good. Nothing really special's happened. We were thinking about going to Disney World this summer, but Avery's so young, it would kind of be pointless.

Sue nodded, "I agree. You guys should wait until he's a little older."

Charlie sat across from the two of us, paying more attention to Avery than anything. We'd come home for his first birthday, and I was glad. I was starting to miss Forks. I missed the seasons and the snow, even the rain. We got a lot of rain in Florida, but it was more of an "I'm the rain from a vicious hurricane and will probably tear the roof off your house" kind of rain. I was positive our home insurance would be drastically reduced if it wasn't for that rain. But no matter how bad I longed to move, I couldn't fathom leaving Florida that is unless we could pick our house up and move it here as well. That was really the only thing keeping us there. I loved, and I mean loved, our house.

Our house was, well, exactly that. So many things had happened in that house in such a short amount of time. The walls held more love that any other house ever would.

"I'm going to go check on Jake," I said rising. "I'll be right back."

I left the kitchen and walked through the dining room and living room, climbing the stairs slowly. As I ascended the stairs to the attic, I pushed the door open and peered in. it amused me that even five years later my room was the same as it was the day I left for college. The same posters on the wall, the bed, with its pink comforter with white squares, the pink and brown polka dotted pillow cases.

I glanced at Jake, sprawled across the bed, the comforter wrapped tightly around him. I quietly crossed the room and peered down at him. His color was a little better but he was still sweaty. I leaned down and pressed the back of my hand to his forehead.

He murmured as I felt his fevered skin. He was burning up. I wondered if I should wake him or just let him sleep. I sat down on the bed beside Jake; strands of hair were plastered to his forehead. I gently pushed them back and watched him sleeping.

I loved this man. Looking at him, my heart swelled - so much so I thought that it would burst. There were times when I wondered what I'd ever done right to deserve this much happiness.

What did I do to deserve the love of this man, and that tiny man in training downstairs? Tears pooled in the corners of my eyes and trickled down my cheeks. I wiped them away and leaned down pressing my lips to his fevered forehead.

"I love you," I murmured then I got up and went back downstairs.

Sue had cleaned up Avery. He was smiling at me, his face and hair free of icing. "Mom, I would have done that," I protested.

Sue hefted Avery and cuddled him against her chest. "Its okay," she said, "I don't mind. Ready to open presents Avery monster?"

The front door slammed shut and a Leah sized hurricane stormed in. "Avery!" she squealed. "How's my favorite nephew?"

She took Avery from Sue and frowned at the cut up cake on the table then turned to Avery. "This is your party, bubba? And they couldn't even wait for me?" she blew raspberries at him and Avery laughed.

"Sorry Lee," I said.

She shrugged. "It was unavoidable. My flight was delayed. Where is everyone?"

I looked around with a wry shrug. "Already here," I said.

"Where's your husband?"

"Upstairs sleeping off a fever. He's coming down with something."

"And Seth?"

"He couldn't get away from school," Charlie said. "So it's just Bella and Jake and your mother and I. How is Spain?"

"Totalmente impresionante," Leah said in Spanish, though she was the only one who spoke it.

"You're living in Spain now?"

The four of us went into the living room where Avery's presents were stacked on the table.

Leah sat down and set Avery down on the floor. She handed him a lavishly wrapped gift in bright green paper. "Yeah, I left England earlier this year and decided to play for the Spanish team. It's a lot more fun."

Avery smacked the gift Leah had given him and sat there babbling. He looked up at her and said, "Lala mm pppbt."

I pointed to the gift Leah had given him and said, "Leah you have to tear an opening or he'll never get it open."

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sorry." She leaned down and ruffled Avery's hair. "Sorry kiddo. Here ya go."

She tore a corner of the paper away and Avery stared at it then started hitting it. I scooted across the carpet and tore the wrapping off the gift.

Avery made out like a bandit. Leah bought him a battery operated Power Wheels car. I stared at her in amazement. "What?" she said shrugging her shoulders. "He's my nephew, if you'd hurry up and have a girl I would've bought a doll."

I laughed and thanked her then said, "I have no idea how we're gonna get that home."

Charlie and Sue used better judgment and gave Avery a dancing Elmo doll, a talking puppy dog and a motorcycle with a little person that made actual motorcycle sounds when you pushed it.

Jake woke up a little later and he looked much better. When he sat down on the loveseat he smiled weakly and apologized to everyone.

"You get sick son, it happens, we all know that," Charlie said.

We all nodded, I patted Jake's leg. "Its okay babe. Do you feel better?"

He nodded and said, "A little. I still feel a little weak."

"I'll get you something to eat," I said rising.

I heard Jake exclaim over Avery's new car as I went to fix him a sandwich. He was joking about how he needed a new car and this one was perfect. Everyone was laughing and having fun.

It was the perfect end to an almost perfect day.

* * *

**Reviews are better than a ruined honeymoon**

Time Flies - Lykkie Li


	20. Beach Front Property

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**check the end for an a/n  
**

**Bella**

**August - One Year Later**

August was the worst month in Florida. The sun moved closer, baking the streets in humid heat. You could see the it radiating off the black top as the sun beat down, drying out lawns and flower beds, making pool water something akin to a warm bath.

People stayed inside during August, cranking their air conditioners up to keep up with the heat. Avery and I were no different. He was cranky, partly because of the heat and party because two year olds were cranky.

As the long days passed Jake grew more and more tan from working with his football team late into the hot afternoon. He would come home late in the afternoon tan and tired.

"I have an idea," Jake said one day after coming home from work.

I glanced up from the stove. "What's that?" I asked as I stirred a pot of boiling macaroni.

"We should go spend Labor Day weekend down at the beach," Jake suggested.

I shrugged and stirred the pot. "Jax Beach or Saint Augustine?" I asked.

"Okay, now don't be mad," Jake said coming into the kitchen.

I swallowed hard. Uh oh, normally whenever he said that something really bad followed. I set the spoon down and crossed my arms over my chest, staring at him.

"Okay, so there's this house, in Saint Augustine, and it sits on the beach and I, um..."

"You um, what Jake?"

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a key ring with two silver rings dangling from it. "Happy Birthday," he said.

"Wow, thanks, keys, just what I always wanted," I exclaimed.

"They go to a house, on the beach in Saint Augustine. It needs some work, and a diehard paint job but I think you'll like it."

The house wasn't exactly on the beach, it was across the street, and Jake was right, it was in desperate need of a paint job. The house was this day glo lemony-lime color with coral pink patio rails and quite frankly ugly as hell.

But like they say, don't judge a book by its cover, the inside was spacey and open. Gleaming hardwood floors and beachy wall colors, I instantly fell in love.

Avery toddled around, inspecting every nook and cranny. Jake shut the front door and followed us up the stairs. "What do you think?" he asked.

"I think," I said running my hand over the granite countertops, "I love it."

We hired a paint crew to come in and paint the outside of the house as well as Avery's room, the pink and orange walls didn't really work too well for my two year old son. Then I went out and found beach inspired furniture to match the house.

By the time Labor Day weekend rolled around the house was livable. We travelled the forty one miles down to our beach house. The azure sky was clear and cloudless, the sun shone brightly. Pat Monahan was singing to his soul sister on the radio. I hummed along watching as highway gave way to sand.

Jake pulled into the driveway of our now pale beige, or as the painter had called it, biscuit, house with its white trim. Our neighbor, an elderly man with salt and pepper hair who bore a stunning resemblance to Richard Gere, called hello as we got out then thanked us profusely for painting the exterior. He laughed gregariously when he said the Aker's - the former owners - were wonderful people but didn't have the best taste in exterior paint.

I took Avery inside and carried him upstairs to the living room. The house was set up strangely. The first floor was mostly the foyer and a laundry room, a couple of closets lined the hall. On the second floor was the kitchen, living room, equipped with a fire place and a balcony, and a bathroom.

On the third floor, it was just the three bedrooms and a bathroom, a balcony off the master bedroom looked out over the low slung roof of the house across the street and out to the ocean.

I opened the balcony door and stepped out. Jake's voice wafted up as he joked with Richard Gere. I took a deep breath, inhaling the salty sea air. The sounds of gulls crying and girls screaming clawed its way into my ears. Avery toddled over and pointed at a group of birds circling the air.

"Birds!" he shouted. "Mommy birds!"

I ruffled his hair and laughed. "Yup Avery-monster...birds."

"Wanna birdie pwease," Avery said.

"We'll see," I said.

"Wanna a birdie," he said more forcefully this time.

"Avery," I warned but it was too late, he threw himself on the floor and began screaming.

I picked him up and set him on the couch. "Avery," I warned again as he threw a full-fledged tantrum, his wails growing louder. I went into the kitchen to get a drink. Over the last week I'd been driving down every few days stocking up on things we'd need - food, clothes, basic, necessary living supplies.

Avery continued to wail from his perch on the overstuffed denim covered couch. I pulled the refrigerator open and pulled out a bottle of apple Juicy Juice and a can of diet coke. I cracked the soda open and opened the cabinet for a neon green and blue sippy cup.

The din from the living room had quieted down and that meant one of two things; either Avery had cried himself to sleep or he was getting into some serious trouble. I turned around, quickly scanning the room. Nothing was out of place and no mischievous little two year old was running around wreaking havoc. That was a slightly good sign.

Twisting the lid back onto the sippy cup, I put the apple juice back in the fridge then picked up my soda and went off to find out what, if anything, Avery was up to.

I rounded the island and peered over the back of the couch. Lying there, thumb in mouth, was the Avery Monster, fast asleep. I sighed and set the sippy cup down on the end table.

I sat down across from him and picked up a book I'd left here on my last trip down. Avery sighed, his soft breath leaving his body in a small puff of air and I delved into the wonderful fictitious world of Deliverance Dane.

I was lost in the world of the Salem Witch Trials when Jake finally came in. He sat down in the arm chair across from mine, a buttery yellow that matched the soft denim material of the couch.

"Max is a nice guy; you'd like his wife Amie."

I glanced up at him and said, "Who?"

"Max, from next door. His wife Amie is like, our age and he's like the same age as my dad."

"That's just gross," I replied. "Like screwing your dad."

Jake rolled his eyes. "Besides the point. They invited us over for a barbeque later tonight."

"Yeah well talk to your son about that," I said, jerking a finger in Avery's direction.

"Is he acting up again?"

I snorted, "Jake, he's two for crying out loud; of course he's acting up again. I just want to relax, spend some time on the beach, sleep in, you know, all that stuff."

"Fine," Jake sighed.

After Avery woke up, we went across the street, and following our private walk, we made our way down to the great blue Atlantic lapping at our front door.

Avery stared at the massive expansive of blue waves crashing on the shore then returning back to from whence they came. He seemed awestruck. "Mommy," he pointed.

I turned to look at what Avery was pointing at. A pod of dolphins were leaping in and out of the mounting waves, their stuttering calls could be heard over the roar of the ocean.

"They're dolphins Avery," I said picking him up for a better look.

"Wanna dolphin mommy."

"I know you do bud," I replied. I wished this phase of wanting everything he saw would end soon. "Want to go in the water?"

Avery nodded and wiggled out of my arms. I set him on the sandy beach and we walked toward a small tide pool of water. Avery waddled over and threw himself, facefirst, into the water. He giggled as the waves lapped at his tummy. I knelt beside him and splashed the water around with my hand.

Another wave pushed more water into the pool, and with it, a small school of tiny fish. They swam together in a tight group, darting around as Avery splashed, desperate to find a place to hide.

Jake came over and handed me my camera. I lay down on the sand and took a couple of pictures. Jake plopped down on the sand and stuck his feet in the pool. Avery smiled and started splashing him, laughing giddily.

We stayed on the beach for a while. Jake and Avery sat in their tide pool while I sat beside them taking pictures. We packed up when Avery started to get cranky and headed back down our private walk to our house.

Inside I put Avery in the tub and washed the sand off of him, the put a diaper on him and tucked him into his bed for a short nap. Jake was in the kitchen when I came down, a bottle of beer in one hand, a plate of burgers in the other, his swim shorts hung low.

I leaned against the banister and gawked at him. Jake smiled seductively and set the plate down. "See something you like?" he asked.

I nodded, smiling coyly.

"Oh? And what's that?"

"Those burgers," I laughed, "they look mighty tasty."

He sauntered over and pulled me roughly toward him. I'll tell you what looks mighty tasty," he said, his voice husky, his breath warm against my neck as his lips nipped a trail across my jaw.

Sandy and soaking wet, he carried me upstairs to our bedroom, I wrapped my legs around his waist, kissing him as he climbed the stairs.

The beer was tasty on his tongue. Jake kicked the door shut behind us, and took the five steps across the room where he set me down on the edge of the bed. He tugged at the strings to the bathing suit top. The wet triangles fell away and the air circulating was cold against my skin.

Jake pulled the top away, tossed it on the floor. He tugged at the bottoms, then tossed those too, aside.

He was hovering over me, his eyes piercing into my brown ones. Then Avery started crying. "Why does this have to be so hard?" Jake groaned.

I sighed and wiggled out from under Jake. That's what she said, I thought to myself, laughing under my breath. I padded across the room and pulled a short, cotton robe off the back of the closet door and went to check on Avery.

Mr. I-take-the-worlds-shortest-naps was sitting in his bed staring at the door while great alligator tears streamed down his face.

"Oh buddy, you're fine," I said as he climbed out of his bed.

"Jake?" I called.

"Yeah babe?"

"Fire up the grill. Let's cook some burgers."

I carried Avery down the stairs and turned on the radio. Jake opened the balcony doors and started the grill.

It was one of those ridiculously perfect nights, the kind that don't come around that often but when they do they feel so damn perfect that you find yourself reflecting back upon them on the darkest nights of your life.

Later that night after Avery had gone to bed and Jake and I had finished off the better half of a twelve pack of bud lite, we were lying in bed, tangled in the sheets the sheen of a pretty good romp in the sack on our skin.

"So I have a kind of crazy, off the wall question for you," I said.

"Oh? What's that?"

"Do you ever want to have more kids?"

He looked like he was thinking about it; a look of extreme concentration crossed his face for a second, then he shrugged. "I don't know, why?"

"I was just wondering."

"Do you want more kids?" he asked.

"Oh I don't know," I said dismissively. "I mean Avery's still kind of young, but if we do want more kids I don't want them to be too far apart in age, you know?"

"I know," he replied.

We were quiet for a minute, each contemplating what came next. "Do you want more kids?" he asked.

"I don't know." I lay there, trying to imagine life with more kids. It seemed like a happy image, then I said, "Yes. I want more kids."

Jake smiled and said, "Then we better get busy."

* * *

I glanced at the home pregnancy test sitting on the counter, then back at my watch. I sighed and tossed the test in the trash. Another month, another late pregnancy, another false test.

I sat down on the edge of the tub and shoved my hands through my hair, tears threatening to spill. It doesn't matter, I told myself, there's always next month.

I'd been telling myself this for the last six months. Every month my period would be late, I'd wait a few days then take a test, wait a few more days, take another and they always came back negative.

I tried to shake myself out of my funk as I left the bathroom. Avery was calling for me from his room. I walked toward it and smiled at his chubby face.

"Mommy where you be?" he asked.

"Sorry bud," I replied. "Mommy had to go potty."

"Its otay," he said. "I come out?"

I nodded, moving the gate out of the door way. "Yeah come on bud, we'll go watch Mickey Mouse Club House."

Avery jumped up and down and screamed, "Hot dog, hot dog!"

I laughed and we went, hand in hand, down the stairs. I turned the television on and Avery started singing and dancing to the theme song which would now be stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

As Avery lost himself in the world of Mickey Mouse, I lost myself in the ins and outs of why, no matter what we seemed to do, I could not get pregnant. We were having sex, everyday, sometimes twice a day, doing it this way, that way, backwards and forwards.

It was nuts.

I was seriously considering getting a bottle of tequila, getting rip roaring drunk, and having crazy hot college Bella sex with Jake, just for old times' sake. Hell it worked back then, maybe it would work again.

I told Jake the same thing that night after he got home from work. He laughed me off, saying it would happen when it happened and that we shouldn't rush it.

By Avery's third birthday we weren't any closer to getting pregnant. We went and saw the doctors who said we were both fine, and reconfirming what Jake said, that it would happen when it happened.

A year later, well, we still weren't any closer, hell by that time we'd just about given up. I told Jake that I couldn't handle the stress and anxiety every month; the waiting and worrying, hell that was what probably kept me from getting pregnant, all the stress. So we stopped trying. We stopped fucking like rabbits, hell we stopped having sex period.

Then everything changed.

* * *

**And there ya have it...the other shoe...well...almost**

I know a lot of you want this to stay jake and bella...if it did the story would end literally, right now. I want to say that the decisions I made when writing this story were not made lightly and quite frankly I want to post all the chapters and be done with it because I am too emotionally invested in this story...

So, that being said, feel free to stop reading now...trust me I understand and if you do choose to stop reading, thank you for reading thus far. I appreciate all your comments and love for the story. For those who choose to continue reading, thank you as well. I appreciate your support. Either way I love you all for reading and enjoying my work.

~Nikki

beach front property ~Umbrellas


	21. A Twist in My Story

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**I appreciate the support so many of you have shown and the fact that you'll keep reading regardless of the ending, well that means a lot and I appreciate it so much. Just to clarify, yes, its been four years since she got pregnant with Avery (who is three now). So here it is...the other shoe..for real this time...**

**______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

**Part Two**

"I hopelessly, helplessly wonder why..."

Hindsight is 50-50. If I'd known then what I know now, I think my life, up to this point, would have been so different; the things that I thought mattered didn't really mean a thing and the things I didn't think mattered were the things that mattered the most.

But most of all I wish I'd had the chance to say all the things I never gotten the chance to say, do all the things I'd never gotten the chance to do.

But most of all, I wish I hadn't wasted all the time I'd wasted.

You can wish all day long.

But in the end, wishing doesn't get you anywhere.

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen**

**Bella**

January was a packed month. We had our anniversary, Jake's birthday, and our first in vitro treatment.

The morning of Jake's birthday, I got out of bed, started the shower, peed while the water heated up - my normal routine. Usually by the time I was out of the shower Jake was ready to get in. This morning, however, he was still in bed when I came out of the bathroom.

I glanced at him immediately concerned. Jake was even bigger stickler for routine than I was. I crossed the room and kneeled beside the bed.

"Jake? Sweetie, it's time to get up." I gently shook him; his skin was hot under my finger tips.

Jake groaned and rolled over. He opened on eye and glanced at me. "Can you call the school and let them know I won't be in today? I feel like I got hit by a bus and my stomach is killing me."

I told him I would, and then rushed off to get dressed and dress Avery. I had to drop him off at school, then run my errands.

When I got home later that afternoon, birthday cake in tow, Jake was still in bed. I took him the fever reducer I picked up while out, and made him take it. Jake swallowed the orange liquid and fell back into the pillows, moaning.

Four days went by and he still wasn't feeling better. One the fifth day, his color returned and he regained some strength.

I sat on the edge of the bed, balancing a bowl of minestrone soup on my lap while Jake struggled to sit up. "I don't know what's going on," he wheezed, "I can't seem to shake this."

I patted his leg lightly and said, "I made you a doctor's appointment for Monday morning. We'll go and figure out what's going on."

Jake nodded and took the tray of soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. I leaned against the footboard, watching as he ate. "You probably just caught the flu, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about," I soothed.

Jake nodded and finished his soup. "It's probably all the rain and the cold weather, they call this place the sunshine state for Christ's sake, you'd think the sun shines a little more than it does, especially in the winter."

I laughed and agreed. Sometimes it rained like crazy, and sometimes you'd spend days wishing, no praying, for rain.

Over the weekend Jake seemed to get better, so he convinced me there was no need to go to the doctor.

I didn't agree, but he was adamantly against going to the doctor, so I stood in the front door watching as he drove off to work that morning.

I went back to my regularly scheduled life after Jake disappeared around the corner, got Avery ready for school, it wasn't really school-school, it was a program run by the neighborhood, a sort of head start program for kids three and up. We signed him up for it in September and he'd really learned a lot in the few short months since the program started.

"Avery Monster," I called as I walked toward the kitchen.

"Mommy monstuh," he called back.

"Are you ready for school?"

"Um, yes Mommy," Avery grinned as I walked into the kitchen.

"Okay, go get your shoes and backpack and we'll go."

He darted off toward the garage to get his shoes and back pack. I turned the coffee pot off and swallowed the last bit still left in my coffee cup, thinking of everything I needed to do today. I needed to go to the post office, and check my order for those glass beads I'd ordered last week.

Once Avery had started going to school I found myself with way too much time on my hands so I started making jewelry and selling it online. It wasn't lucrative, but it was fun, so I kept up with it.

Avery came back, his sneakers that flashed red and blue lights when he walked and backpack in tow. He put them all down on the floor then sat down. I took his lunch box out of the fridge and put it in his backpack and helped him put his shoes on.

"Ready Monster?"

Avery nodded and said, "Let's go mommy."

He ran ahead and waited patiently besides the car door. I opened it and he climbed in, waiting for me to buckle him in.

I buckled him in and got into the car. "Mommy play music," Avery demanded.

"In a minute, bud." I turned the car on and backed out of the driveway slowly.

Lex and Terry were on the radio as we drove down the street. I quickly jabbed the cd button before they had a chance to corrupt my three year old with their talk about hookers and boobs. John Mayer poured out of the speakers as he sang about heartbreak and warfare. Avery hollered from the backseat and I changed the tracks.

The first strains of Michael Buble's _Feeling Good_ poured out and Avery clapped happily. He sat in the back seat singing his version of the song as I drove the two blocks to his school.

After I dropped Avery off, I went to the post office and mailed a necklace to a woman in Cleveland, the stopped at the craft store and wandered around in there with the other stay at home moms. I bought some charms and a cute heart shaped shell, then headed to the grocery store.

At noon my cell phone rang. I pulled it out of my purse and said, "Hi sweetheart. How is your day?"

Jake laughed weakly and said, "I think I'm getting sick again. I'm exhausted. I was actually calling to see if you wanted to have lunch with me?"

I glanced at the clock on the dash. I still had two hours before I had to pick up Avery. "Sure," I said. "Where at?"

"Burger King across the street from school?"

"Okay," I said turning onto the street that would lead me to his school. "I'll be there in five."

"Okay hon, love you."

"Love you too."

I hung up the phone and turned the radio up, singing along with Ray LaMontagne. This song_, Let it be Me_, was disgustingly sad, it made me want to be sad just listening to it.

In the Burger King parking lot, I parked next to Jake's car and hurried inside. He was sitting in the back corner of the restaurant, a tray sitting in front of him. I sat down and smiled.

"Hey babe," I said.

He returned the smile weakly and handed me a burger. I took it, setting it down on the table before me. "Are you okay?"

He shook his head no. "I haven't eaten since breakfast, but I feel full." He shrugged and sipped his drink.

I felt my eyebrows pull together in confusion. "That's odd. What did you eat for breakfast?"

"The usual," Jake said. "A bagel and a cup of coffee."

I unwrapped the burger and took a bite. Chewing thoughtfully, I swallowed and said, "I really think you need to go see the doctor. This isn't normal."

Jake waved his hand dismissively and said, "It's nothing Bella. I'm perfectly fine. Moving on, I had a thought."

"What's that?" I asked as I dipped a French fry into the ketchup on the edge of the tray.

"We should get a dog," Jake said.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, let's say we did and don't."

"Aw why not?" he asked, his lower lip poking out like Avery's did when he didn't get his way.

"Two words, dog poop. Ew."

"I'll clean up the poop, I promise."

I laughed and finished my burger. "You sound like a little kid."

"Come on, what do you say? Avery would love a dog."

I felt my resistance wavering. "Fine," I relented. "But not a big dog."

I should have known. We were driving home from the pound with; you guessed it, a dog that would grow up to be huge.

The tag on the kennel said it was a yellow lab, golden retriever mix. I tried to guide Avery toward the kennels with the smaller dogs like the adorable brown and white spotted terrier on the end but he stopped and pointed at the puppy and said, "I like him."

I'll admit the dog was cute, but it was going to be huge. Jake looked at me and said, "Bella we have the room."

So again, I relented and now the puppy was cowering in the backseat next to Avery. He kept patting the dogs head and saying, "it's okay, it's okay."

It was adorable. And then we got home. New puppy decided that the first thing he was going to do in his new home was pee right in front of the fireplace.

I groaned, thinking to myself we had just adopted the mutt equivalent of Marley, from the movie. Jake cleaned up the mess then locked the dog in the kitchen where he preceded to cry all night.

I woke up the following morning, exhausted. Puppy, who still didn't have a name, peed all over the kitchen floor and left me a surprise in the corner, grudgingly I cleaned up the mess, then let the dog out.

I heard Avery sliding down the stairs as I made coffee. I walked into the family room expecting to see him and Jake on the couch watching cartoons. Instead it was just Avery.

"Where's Daddy?" I asked turning on Bob the Builder for him.

He shrugged his little shoulders and threw himself down the carpet. He rested his chin on his hands and got lost in the television.

I went upstairs, looking for Jake. I found him, still in bed. I went over to the bed and sat down.

"Are you not feeling well again?"

He groaned, then started coughing, clutching his chest.

"What's wrong?"

"I keep coughing, then have trouble catching my breath."

I got up and turned to him and said, "That's it. First thing Monday morning you're going to the doctor, no if, ands, or buts about it."

Jake was in bed for the rest of the weekend. He didn't eat, he barely slept and he battled a fever that would break, then return just as viciously a few hours later.

To say I was concerned would be the grossest kind of understatement. I was scared shitless. Some part of me, somewhere way deep down inside, knew something was really, really wrong. That very same part of me refused to believe it. Instead, it clung to the feeble hope that whatever was wrong with Jake would be easily fixed by some pill or potion.

Monday morning, I dropped Avery off at school then took a still very ill Jake to the doctor's office. We waited in the waiting room for the doctor who, when he called us back to his office, took one look at Jake and shook his head.

"How long have you been sick for?" he demanded.

"Off and on for a few weeks," Jake wheezed.

The doctor nodded and wrote something in his chart. "No," I said speaking up.

Jake and Doctor Robinson both looked up. "He's been sick for a while now. Fevers, and colds, weakness. It's been going on for a few years. I always thought it was just a cold, but it was, like, at least once a month Jake would get sick for a few days. It was never as severe as it is now, but it's been going on for years now."

The doctor nodded and I felt silly for never seeing any connection. I just figured he was sick. I suddenly felt really, really stupid.

"Okay," Doctor Robinson said looking up from his chart. "We're going to need to draw blood and do a physical exam. The results will take a few days to get back, in the meantime, I want you to take it easy and I'm going to write you a prescription for some antibiotics."

I waited in the doctor's office while he and Jake stepped next door to the exam room. I anxiously picked at my fingernails while I waited. Worst case scenarios played out in my mind, causing my heart to race.

Jake came out, followed by the doctor some thirty minutes later. They both looked, well, blank. There was no expression on either of their faces, but Jake's eyes gave him away. Something was wrong. Something was _very_ wrong.

Doctor Robinson put the green folder down on his desk and handed Jake a prescription. "We should have the results of the blood work back in a few days. One of the nurses will call you to set up an appointment once they come back. If there's anything else, feel free to call or go to the nearest emergency room.

Jake thanked him and I numbly followed him out of the office.

"What did he say?" I asked once we were safely back in the confines of Jake's truck.

"He didn't really say what he thought was wrong. He checked all my lymph nodes, and checked to see if I had a swollen liver and spleen."

"And?" I said impatiently.

Jake was quiet for a minute. He stopped at a yellow light, then turned to look at me. "He said he couldn't be sure until the results from the blood test came back."

He was lying to me. I could see it all over his face. His eyes were guilty as he pulled through the intersection. "It's bad isn't it?" I asked quietly.

Jake gripped the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. "We don't know anything yet, Bella."

Fear clenched my stomach and held on over the next few days. That night we were getting into bed. Jake had taken his shirt off and was pulling on some pajama pants. I bit back the gasp that threatened to escape my lips.

His ribs were pressed against his skin, which had taken on an almost yellowish color, like a slowly healed bruise. Jakes stomach was sunken in, his formerly well defined abs looked deflated.

I quickly tore my eyes away and blinked back the tears that were filling my eyes. _I should have made him go the doctor when he first got sick_, I thought.

For the next three days I barely slept. I would lie in bed at night and listen to Jake's unsteady breathing, anxiety gnawing away at my stomach. I traded food for antacids to battle the indigestion.

Friday morning the doctor's office called, they got the results of the blood test back and wanted us to come in as soon as possible. I hung up with them and called Jake at work. He met me at the doctor's office during his lunch hour.

We were sitting in the waiting room watching people going back and people coming out. I clenched Jake's hand in mine, clinging to it tightly. He gripped it, holding it tightly in his. I took several deep breaths trying to steady my nerves and calm my anxious stomach.

Forty five minutes later the perky red headed nurse called us back. I walked on unsteady legs down the hall to the doctor's office. He greeted us and asked us to have a seat. There was a somber note under his words.

I shakily lowered myself to the plush leather chair across from the doctor. Jake sat down beside me, never letting go of my hand.

Doctor Robinson smiled and asked how Jake was. Jake shrugged and said, "I actually feel good today, doc. Those antibiotics seem to be working."

Doctor Robinson smiled and opened the folder on his desk. "We got the results from your blood test back," he said not looking either of us in the eye.

Jakes smile faded slightly. "Okay," he said cautiously.

"I'm afraid it's bad news," he said.

I swallowed hard and fought the hysterics I felt bubbling up in me.

Jake nodded slowly and said, "How bad doc?"

"I'm afraid it's pretty bad. During your physical exam, as I told you, I checked all your lymph nodes, liver and spleen. In several areas you had increased swelling your lymph nodes as well as your spleen. When I sent out for the blood test I had the lab do a complete blood count to check the number of white blood cells as well as check for something called LDH or lactate dehydrogenase."

"I don't understand," I said softly, "What does that LDH have to do with Jake being sick?"

"I'm afraid, well, Jake, you have cancer," he said.

I gasped, the tears immediately coming.

"LDH, well when patients have a high level of LDH it normally indicates cancer, lymphoma. In Jake's case, I'm fairly sure its non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, given the symptoms. We need to run more tests-"

"What kinds of tests?" I interrupted.

"We should do a biopsy, a CT scan, PET scan and maybe an MRI. Then once we run more tests, we'll figure out what stage the cancer is and discuss the best course of treatment. Also, you may want to have a genetic test done on your son."

"For what?" Jake asked.

"Normally, when someone gets cancer, someone else in the family has been diagnosed with cancer. We can do a genetic, also called a DNA test on your son to see if he has any of the genetic markers for cancer."

We both nodded. "How sure, I mean, like are you absolutely positive Jake has cancer?" I asked.

The doctor smiled sadly. "We're positive," he said. "I wish I was wrong, but unfortunately, we're not, but in cases like this, it's common to get a second opinion. In fact, I encourage it."

I nodded and clung to that small shred of hope that maybe, just maybe someone made a mistake, switched the test results or something.

"If you have any questions, please call my office. And remember we need to run those tests as soon as possible. Cancer is not unbeatable. We can fight this," Doctor Robinson said as we left.

Jake and I numbly walked back to the truck. We got in and sat there, both of us staring out the windshield.

"We'll get a second opinion," I said.

Jake nodded, but didn't say anything.

"Jake," I said looking at him. He turned to look at me, his eyes swimming in unshed tears. "We're gonna get a second opinion."

We went to another doctor the following week, got the tests done and were told the same thing. Jake had lymphoma. He had cancer.

My husband, my son's father, had - I couldn't even think the word. I refused to believe it, to accept it. I figured if I didn't believe it then it wasn't true. That's how it worked, right? God how I wished that were the case.

Can we say hello denial?

* * *

**Reviews are appreciated** : )

Hopeless by Train

A Twist in My Story by Secondhand Serenade

I gotta thank my mom for sitting on the phone with me for damn near four hours so I could pick her brain about this type of cancer, also thanks to my aunt..she knows why. Crawling into a hole with my tissues now. Thanks for reading.


	22. Your Own Disaster

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

You might need your tissues here..either that or I'm a crybaby...again, those of you who have decided to stick around, thanks..thanks for reading and thanks for taking this journey with me...to my bffer imalilmilkdud..who read this back when it was first written and told me, no made me, keep writing it..love u chickie...and for all you who have a loved one suffering with any kind of cancer, you're in my prayers. love you all for reading : )

**Bella**

For two days Jake walked around acting like the doctor's appointment hadn't happened. He smiled, he laughed, he went to work and played with Avery. He'd just received devastating news and instead of crumbling under it he fought against, his will to live that strong.

Me however, I was a different story. I wept, whenever, wherever. I heard my favorite song on the radio one afternoon and I broke down, sobbing on the kitchen floor. I would sit in the car after dropping Avery off at school, the engine running the windows rolled up. My emotions would vary, sometimes I would cry uncontrollable, others I would sit there numbly gripping the steering wheel, staring off into a future without Jake.

That afternoon though, well it started like any normal afternoon. Jake walked in the door a little after four; Avery was sitting at his table in the family room drawing, Bob the builder on the TV. I was in the kitchen cutting up vegetables for dinner. Jake came in, set his lunch box in the middle of the island, lifted the lid off the pot on the stove and took three sniffs, then turned and grinned at me.

"Smells delish," he said, a dopey grin pulling at the corners of his lips.

I smacked him gently with the pot holder, "its just water you dope," I laughed. Jake joined in laughing with me, though the smile never reached his eyes.

"Go play with Avery," I told him, the silliness leaving me instantly.

He kissed my forehead and left the kitchen. In the family room, Bob the builder turned off and the two of them flew out the back door like a couple of bats out of hell, the puppy hot on their heels.

I stood at the sink watching Avery and Duke chase a blue and silver soccer ball across the back yard. Jake lagged a few paces behind, breathing heavily.

Avery said something; his little arms raised high above his head. Duke barked and Jake laughed, leaning forward.

I smiled and reached out, turning the radio up; they were playing that Cowboy Casanova song again. I couldn't help but like it, it was one of those things that made me forget exactly what was going on in my life at the moment and it was a welcome distraction.

I hummed along as I cut a cucumber into thin slices, adding it to the salad waiting on the counter. After all the green slices had been added, I turned to the stove, stopping to check the water; it still wasn't boiling so I turned the burner up a little bit. I finished with the salad, giving it a toss; I picked up the bowl and opened the fridge, sliding it on the shelf beside a tub of butter. On the radio, Carrie Underwood stopped singing; the dj said a few words and the next song started.

My hand paused on the door as the opening strains of piano filled the kitchen. I rushed over to the radio, violently turning the dial. The radio screeched as the channel changed. I stopped when the next song came in clear.

I stopped, my fingertips resting gently on the dial and listened to see if it was going to make me break down. _"I'm all alone and I need you now. And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now."_

"What the hell?" I muttered turning the knob again. What was this? Make Bella break down because we want to play sappy love songs hour?

I wrenched the knob again; loud static filled the kitchen as the radio searched for a signal. The first clear strains of a song came pouring out of the radio.

_"Never gonna be alone, from this moment on-"_

"Oh my god," I cried, tears filled my eyes, spilled down my cheeks before I had the chance to even think about stopping them. "Oh my god," I cried again, clutching my chest I sank to the floor, my back against the solid oak cabinet. I heard Avery shriek in childish delight as Duke barked and Jake yelled._ Breathe Bella,_ I told myself, inhaling a shaky breath.

The song continued on the radio,_ "If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall. When all hope is gone I know that you can carry on."_

How can this be happening to me? How can my husband, my twenty six year old husband be dying? How is that even possible?

Then the most selfish thought_, hadn't I suffered enough_?

I raised my hands to my face, feeling incredibly selfish, I continued sobbing uncontrollably. My whole body shook as I sank to the floor. I pressed my face into the tile, which was cool against my tear soaked cheeks.

The song ended, thankfully, replaced by the soothing voice of Dave Barnes. I laid there for a few more minutes just to make sure the tears and hysterics were really over, then I took a deep breath and exhaled pushing myself up on the floor.

I stood in front of the sink and turned the water on. When it was warm I bent over the sink and splashed the over chlorinated city water on my face, then wiped it dry with a hand towel.

Jake and Avery were still out in the yard chasing the soccer ball around. Duke had retreated to the shade of pine tree and was happily gnawing on a pine cone.

I could see Jake was getting winded, but he kept chasing that soccer ball around, following behind Avery; I wanted to tell him to relax, to come in, but i knew what he would say. He would look at me with those flat eyes and say that he was sick and he needed to spend as much time with us as he could.

The diagnosis from the doctors was grim. After we'd gotten the second opinion, which reconfirmed the first, we found an oncologist who performed the cruelest of tests on Jake. Bone marrow biopsies and a spinal tap, then a PET scan.

He'd come back with a grim expression on his face. "I'm afraid it's progressed to many of your organs Jake. And I'm afraid that the prognosis isn't good either."

I swallowed and held Jake's hand. He looked at the doctor and bluntly asked, "Just what in the hell do you mean?"

The doctor replied just as bluntly, "Its stage four, it's in several parts of organs and tissue, namely your liver, blood and bone marrow. It means that this type of cancer is extremely aggressive. It means that you are most likely, going to die."

"What about chemotherapy or radiation?" I asked.

"We can try a few cycles of chemo," the doctor said bridging his hands, "but your husband's cancer is so far advanced it might not even be helpful."

"But it's worth a shot, right?"

"Anything that's worthwhile is worth a shot. It all depends on Jake though. If you want treatment, we can work out a plan that will best suit you, and go from there or if you want to just keep up with the antibiotics, the ones that fight the infections and illness, then that's an option as well. I suggest you and your wife discuss it and let me know." He explained the pros and cons of treatments, the side effects and why it may or may not work. I left the doctor's office that day feeling overwhelmed. Jake decided to try the chemo, and called the doctor's office to start the process. It was crazy, whirlwind almost. Part of me had no idea what the hell was going on and part of me wanted to run away. I wanted to hide under the bed until this was all over.

Back in the backyard, Avery was sitting on the swings, Jake was pushing him lightly. His skin was pale and he looked exhausted.

On the stove, the pot of water began boiling. I ripped open the package of spaghetti noodles and poured them in then gave the pot a brisk stir.

_Two days,_ I thought_, two god damn days. How can your world be shattered like that in the span of two days?_

I didn't understand. I mean here we were, tripping along through life. We had a good life, a modest - well a little more than modest life. We had a nice house, Jake had a decent job, we were healthy and then all of a sudden this bomb goes off in the middle of our seemingly perfect life. The formerly clear future was suddenly cloudy and unsure. I had no idea what was going to happen - not ten years from now, or even tomorrow. I felt like I had picked up one of those bomb detonators, the kind where you had to keep your finger on the switch because the second you let go a huge bomb was going to go off.

Jake had cancer and was, most likely, going to die.

I had no idea how to handle that, but I had to keep my finger on the trigger because the second I let go I was going to lose it and end up in a mental institution.

Water boiling over the edge of the pot hissed as it hit the burner. I snapped out of my reverie and quickly turned the heat down. I blindly grabbed a can of sauce out of the cabinet and dumped it into the hot, waiting pot before I realized it wasn't alfredo sauce, but applesauce and it was ruined now. The scent of burnt applesauce made me want to retch, but I swallowed it and picked the scalding pan off the stove and dumped the applesauce covered meatballs down the garbage disposal.

I rinsed the pan and set it aside.

_Pay attention, Bella,_ I scolded myself. _Get a grip and get it together._

* * *

The next afternoon the phone rang. I ignored it and let the machine get it. Lately, anytime the phone rang it was someone calling with bad news and quite frankly I'd had more bad news than I could handle this year.

Doctor Michelson's voice, smooth like butter, came out of the machine. "Afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Black, this is Doctor Michelson, I was calling to let you all know we got the results of Avery's DNA test back, if you could call me back so we can discuss the results-"

I snatched the phone out of its cradle. "Hello?"

"Mrs. Black?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I'm sorry, hello Doctor. I just got in, what was it you were saying about the results of Avery's DNA test?"

The doctor cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I think it's best for you to come in and see me first, I'm afraid there's been an, um, well-"

"Well what?" I demanded.

"Just come in today at one. We can go over the results then."

I hung up, anxiety gnawing away and what was left of my stomach lining and glanced at the clock. I had a little over an hour. I wondered what could possibly be wrong now.

After we'd talked to Doctor Michelson and he'd confirmed Doctor Robinson's diagnosis, we'd had the DNA test done on Avery. He cried when they drew his blood but cheered up immediately when the nurse gave him a dinosaur band aid.

And now the results were in.

At a quarter to one I arrived at the doctor's office. He greeted me personally.

"If you'll follow me," he said and walked down the carpeted hallway.

It was quiet, normally the sounds of someone, somewhere in the building sobbing could be heard, however, today it was eerily quiet. I figured everyone must be at lunch, or something.

The doctor stepped into his office and moved aside. I stepped in and he closed the door behind me. "Take a seat," he said.

I sat down opposite him at the desk. Michelson sat down and shuffled some papers in a folder. After a few seconds of shuffling he looked at me and said, "Mrs. Black, there's no easy way to say this. I'm not trying to be crass or rude, please think of this as me being direct and to the point. That being said, I must inform you that Avery is not your husband's son."

I felt like I'd been slapped. I stared, stunned, at him. "I'm sorry, what?" I finally choked out.

The doctor smiled sympathetically. "When we do the test, we take the father's DNA, the mother's DNA and the child's DNA and we run a genetic makeup, in that process, well, essential a DNA test is run, comparing the DNA of all family members. In this case, when the DNA test results showed that Avery wasn't Jake's son, well the test couldn't be completed."

I sat there, embarrassed and trying to figure out how exactly this happened. I went back in time, in my mind, to four, well almost five years ago. I remember having the flu, that last romp in the sack with Embry right before we broke up, then my wild tequila night with Jake.

Oh my god, the flu. It wasn't the flu at all. I was pregnant. That's why Avery came a whole three weeks early. He didn't come early; he came right on time, because he wasn't Jake's son. He was, oh my god, he was - oh Christ on a cracker, how did this happen? Avery was Embry's son.

How much more fucked up could this get?

And how the hell was I supposed to tell Jake?

I glanced at Michelson; he was looking at me, sympathy colored his grey eyes. "I'm sorry; I take it you didn't know."

I shook my head no. "I had no idea, I never even thought that it-" I ran my hand through my hair and wiped a tear away. "It doesn't even matter now."

I left the doctor's office and picked up Avery on my way home. I felt so stupid for never seeing it before. He looked just like Embry. He had the same curl to his hair, the same nose, even his eyes were the same color as Embry's.

"Mommy!" he shouted as he ran around the corner, followed by one of the teaching assistants.

"Monster!" I shouted back, my voice lacking the same enthusiasm.

He wrapped his arms around my leg and hugged. I ruffled his hair and took his backpack. "You ready to go home?"

Avery nodded and slipped his hand in mine and we walked out to the car. It was hard to pretend that nothing was wrong when I was with him. For being almost four, he was incredibly perceptive.

Jake was in the kitchen making soup when Avery and I walked in. I smiled at him, wondering how in the hell I was going to tell him that the boy he'd been raising for the last three and a half years wasn't his son. I wondered if he already knew or if he'd known all along.

I doubted it, seeing as how I was his mother and I never even had inkling. I set Avery's backpack down on the table and went to Jake, wrapping my arms around his waist.

He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and held me tight. "I saw Doctor Michelson today," I told him.

"Oh? What about?" he asked as he continued to stir the Italian Wedding soup.

"Avery's test results," I said.

Jake looked up from the pot. I could see the panic in his eyes. "What were the results?"

I swallowed hard. "Um, we need to talk about that," I said.

"What's wrong?" Fully fledged panic was wreaking havoc in his eyes. This was going to kill him.

"Um, I uh, shit I don't know how to tell you this." I ran my hand through my hair, pulling it as I went.

"Just tell me," he said.

"It's not that easy," I replied.

"Is he going to get sick later?"

I shook my head no. "It's worse than that," I said.

"Then what? No matter what it is Bella, you can tell me."

I swallowed, my throat dryer than the Sahara in the middle of the summer. My heart was like a panicked canary in a mine, violently beating, searching desperately for an escape. "He's Embry's son," I squeaked, the tears immediately coming.

Jake nodded once. "Biologically, but that's it. He's got my last name, I've raised him, and he's _my_ son. I don't give a shit what some test says," he said fiercely. "Part of me always knew that there was a chance he could be Embry's, but I never really thought he was. I don't care. I don't care what anything or anyone says; this is my son in there, our son, and no one else's."

He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. All my stress melted away and I wrapped my arms around his waist. "I'm so sorry," I sobbed into his chest. "I never thought - never imagined that he was or could be Embry's."

Jake rubbed my back. "I don't care Bella. I don't care at all."

* * *

**Reviews are better than the wack-a-doo shit happening in this here fic..its totes crazy**

Yeah shoot me, Avery's not Jake's remember back to those last few months Embry and Bella shared...

**"Embry and I spent more time together those first few weeks, then football started and I lost him. The homecoming game was against Michigan State. I went and sat in the sweltering stands with 15,000 other people. The Gators won and Embry and I celebrated his victory – he'd scored two of the teams five touchdowns – between the sheets.**

**The morning after the win we were lying in bed, the early October morning sun casting long shadows across the room. "Rosalie and Emmett are getting married," I said softly, not wanting to disrupt the tranquility that settled around us like a blanket made of the softest kind of emotions."**

She got pregnant then, not by Jake. This was one of those "and the story evolved" kind of moments. At first they (Jake and Bella) knew the baby was Embry's but Jake and Bella slept together & Embry still broke up with her, so they decided to raise the baby together, but I remembered reading a story like that on here....so I changed it. And not only that, but he had to be Embry's son...just saying...*wink wink*

Cowboy Casanova - Carrie Underwood

faint strains of piano song Gravity - Sara Bareilles

Need You Now - Lady Antebellum

Never Gonna Be Alone - Nickelback

I Have And Always Will - Dave Barnes

Your Own Disaster - Taking Back Sunday


	23. Breathe Through

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

ok..now i might have been a crybaby last chapter, but if you don't cry along with me...well.. : P I'll tell you what I am NEVER going to do this again...and I know it sucks Avery isn't Jake's but poor Avery kind of got roped into being the catalyst...his not being Jake's is what brings Embry back into Bella's life... **  
**

**Jake**

_My dear Bella,_

_We were young once. You came from the land of sea and sun to spread your hurt in my world. We came together and drifted apart like magnets of the same polarity often do. You can hold them in your hand, forcing them together but eventually they do pull apart. _

_We were like magnets then, and we let go. Somehow our poles were reversed and I found you again. You, Isabella Marie Black, made my life. You were the single greatest event to ever happen to me. _

_This isn't a P.S. I love you type of note, even though I know how much you love that movie. Promise me you won't run off and marry that Gerard Butler._

_You know I love you. At least I hope you know how much loving you, being your husband and Avery's father meant to me. And I am Avery's father. I don't care what that stupid slip of paper says. _

_I don't know how I'm going to leave you Bella, I really don't. I can't leave you. I just can't._

I put the pen down and took a deep breath. Tears filled my eyes and I violently wiped them away. I couldn't do this, couldn't write this letter. It meant I was done - done fighting, done living, done loving. And I wasn't. Hell no, I was far from done, but I was too damn tired.

I picked up the pen and continued my letter.

_I want to say all the clichéd things, Bella. I want to write the things that - when you look back and re-read this letter on the darkest of nights, your fingers gently caressing my words - will lift your spirits and make you feel not so alone. But I don't know what those words are Bella. _

_I want to tell you that I'll never leave you, that I'll always be there, in the songs you hear on the radio or that soft warm breeze that wraps itself around you as you sit on the balcony at the beach house and stare out at the ocean, but those aren't the things you want to hear. _

I stopped, put the pen down and re-read the letter. It was shit. Bella deserved so much better than this; she deserved a husband who could pour his heart in a final letter to her. I closed my eyes and exhaled, ashamed that I wasn't that guy; the one who, in all the movies, always had the right things to say. Part of me wanted to be Gerard Butler and leave her notes for every month.

So what's stopping you then? My subconscious fired back.

The mental images of Bella's sullen face when the last letter came, then her even more depressed face when the next month, that first one without a letter, came. It would be like losing me all over again. It seemed selfish on my part to do that her.

Hell even leaving this seemed selfish, but it was just one letter, one little thing for her to pull out and read and maybe it would bring her comfort on the lonely nights.

I picked up the picture of three of us that sat on my desk, next to a mug one of my ball players had given me and a play-doh snow man Avery made.

Bella's tanned face stared back at me, the corners of her eyes crinkled, a huge grin on her face. The sun made her butterscotch highlights sparkle. Avery was propped on my lap, index finger shoved up his nose. Bella had begged me not to put this picture on display, but it was perfectly imperfect, I just had to.

Then my thoughts went to my son. Like the letter said, he was my son even if he wasn't. I was there when he was born, I took care of him when he was sick, was there for every little milestone. So what if we didn't share the same damn DNA. There was more to life than that. Family's made up of the people you let into your heart, the people you'd do any damn thing for.

More tears filled my eyes. I closed them, forcing the tears away. God damn it this wasn't fair. I wanted to yell or scream or fucking hit something how could this fucking happen to me? Why me, why not some child molesting son of a bitch rotting in jail, huh why?

I got up, shoving everything off the top of the desk, I screamed. I screamed as the pens and pads of post it notes, even the lamp clattered to the floor in a chaotic spread.

"Why?" I roared. "Why god damn it, why?"

I screamed myself hoarse then collapsed onto my knees, allowing tears and grief to swallow me.

* * *

We decided, well mostly I decided, that nothing would change. I would go to work, as long as I still could, Avery would go to school and things would remain normal for as long as they possibly could.

Bella didn't like it, but I don't think she had it in her to fight with a dying man. I watched her walk around, a shell of her former self. She did a good job of pretending for Avery's sake, but at night her hysterical sobs would often wake me.

I couldn't help it, I tried to stay awake, to hold her and comfort her but by the time my head hit the pillow each night I was rapidly approaching "walking dead" status.

Her cries, and the shaking bed, would wake me and I would roll over and hold her, whispering in her ear that everything was going to be okay - even though we both knew it was a lie.

The doctors said I probably wouldn't live to see Christmas. It was a good ten months away, but still it gave me that spark I needed to keep living when most days I was too tired to.

I tried to remain optimistic, there were options, convinced myself that chemo and radiation and something called biological therapy. And good old clinical trials, nuts right, that I was contemplating letting doctors put shit that might kill me faster into my body on the off chance it might make me live just that much longer. No one was really optimistic.

They kept telling me that stage four; high-grade lymphomas were really aggressive, growing and spreading more quickly. Killing more quickly, though no one said that.

I cleaned up the mess, the spilled pens and pencils, picked up the lamp, stacked the playbooks back up in their neat pile on the edge of the desk, all the while keeping an ear out for Bella and Avery. She'd gone to the grocery store with Avery and would be back any second.

I wanted to get her letter done before she got back, so I sat back down and picked up my pen.

* * *

_So I'll tell you these things, Bella. I'll tell you that I think you're the most fantastic actress, that every moment I got to spend, being your friend and growing to love you, are the moments that I'll take with me where ever I go. _

_I'll tell you that, after waking up from surgery when I hurt my shoulder and seeing your face smiling back at me that made never playing football again worth it. _

_I'll tell you that hearing you tell me I was going to be a father that made life worth it. You marrying me, that made my life worth it. No matter what bad ever happened, or any of the horrible things that happened, loving you made it all worth it. _

_Everything happens for a reason Bella, I know it hurts and I know it's not fair now, but at the end of all this, you'll understand that reason. Maybe our love is serving a higher purpose. Maybe we're destined for something more, maybe this was my reason for being - to love you so that I could guide you to where you needed to be. _

_Maybe I'm full of shit and this is the worst thing that will ever happen to you. I don't know, but I have a feeling that somehow, it will all work its self out in the end. And besides, this isn't goodbye, we will see each other again, somewhere, some day, some place, you will be mine again. _

_All the love my heart can hold  
(and then some)  
Jake_

I sealed the letter in an envelope then slid it in the desk drawer. Later, when I was rotting in the ground and Bella was alone she'd wander in here and start to clear out my presence, then she'd find this letter.

I tried to imagine her life after me. It felt right somehow, like I deserved to torture myself that way so then she wasn't the only one suffering.

I tried to picture her moving through the house, ghost like in her movements, watching as she mechanically folded the freshly laundered clothes, her carrying the heavy basket up the stairs and stopping inside our closet to hang up my shirts.

I watched the mental scene as she broke down, collapsing on the closet floor the collar of my shirt pressed to her chest as she sobbed hysterically.

Sue would come then, I was sure of that. Sue would help her. She'd do the laundry for Bella when she didn't have the will to get out of bed and she'd take care of Avery because Bella wouldn't be able to.

That thought didn't make it easier, it made it harder, having to relinquish my role to someone else, to not be able to hold up my end of the bargain, well unless you counted the "death do us part" bit.

I thought about my son having to grow up without a father. He would have a "father" but that really depended on Embry. I wondered if Bella would tell him. Probably not, I decided. Did he deserve to know, yes, but she wouldn't tell him. So that left me. I wondered if I should.

I didn't even know how to get a hold of him, didn't know where he was living or how to contact him. I supposed I could contact someone from the Bucs, but that seemed wrong somehow, to put his business out there. Maybe get a hold of his mom and have her pass along the message. I'd have to get her number from either my dad, I snorted at that, I hadn't spoken to him in years, or Sue.

She would probably have her number. They seemed friendly when we were kids. I made a mental note to call her and see if she had the number, reminding myself to remind her not to say anything to Bella.

I thought back to Avery. Should I leave him a letter, I thought so, so I pulled out another sheet of paper and wrote,

_Dear Avery Monster,_

_Daddy will have to go away soon and I want you to know that it's not because you did anything wrong. You see daddy is sick and that's why he is going away. _

_I want you to be a good boy for your mommy, be nice and do as you are told. I'm so sorry buddy that I won't be there with you as you grow up, but I want you to know that I will always be watching. I will watch you on your first day of school and your first girlfriend and graduation. I will always listen if you ever want to talk and if you're ever confused I will do my best to guide you. _

_I love you so much bud, so, so much. Be good for your mom, and always eat your vegetables, they'll give you big truck muscles. _

_Love you, forever and ever,_

_Daddy_

I folded his letter and sealed it in an envelope and put it next to Bella's then slid the drawer shut, my heart feeling as if it was being wrenched from my chest.

I heard the faint rumble of the garage door opening. I wiped my tears away, then went into the bathroom and splashed some water on my face.

I dried my face and went to see if Bella needed help with the groceries.

She had this look on her face when I opened the garage door. She was sitting in the car, her hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. Snow Patrol was booming inside of the SUV. I recognized the song; it was that one about chasing cars.

Bella had this faraway look in her eyes, like she wasn't really here; she was somewhere else, watching something else happen. I could hear Avery in the backseat making up his own words to the song.

I went down the three steps and crossed the garage. Bella looked up as I approached the driver's side door. The tears that were collecting in her eyes spilled over, salty wet trails slicked down her face and I felt my heart break again.

"Why?" she whispered.

I knew exactly what she was talking about. I reached in and unbuckled her seatbelt and shut off the car. The loud strumming guitar immediately stopped and the air was still. Avery stopped singing in mid sentence and said exasperatedly, "Daddy, I was singing."

I smiled sadly. "I know bud, I'm sorry. Why don't you unbuckle yourself and go on inside okay?"

He nodded and fiddled with the buckles on his car seat. I pulled Bella out of the car. She numbly got out and stared at me.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her toward me, rubbing her back.

"Don't you dare tell me it's going to be okay," she sobbed.

I stood there mutely. There was nothing else to say. It wasn't going to be okay and we were lying to ourselves every time we said it was.

So instead of lying I said, "I'm sorry, this is all my fault."

She seemed to break out of her trance. She laughed hysterically and said, "Don't be ridiculous. Now I have to get these groceries inside."

She broke free and popped the hatch. I followed her around and gazed in at the trunk. It was loaded down with plastic bags, carelessly tossed in.

I reached in and grabbed a few, toting them inside to the kitchen. Bella and I passed each other quietly and unloaded the car. I grabbed the last of the bags and set them on the counter, watching as she expertly unloaded the grocery bags.

I watched as she put packages of cakes and cookies and asparagus, who the heck ate asparagus, away. All the things she unloaded seemed totally random, like she just picked stuff up off the shelves and tossed them in the cart.

I didn't say anything, just unloaded bags and watched her put stuff away. Halfway through, she picked up two cans - one was hominy, the other okra. She looked at them, confusion clearly written on her beautiful face. "Who bought these?" she asked setting the cans back down on the counter.

I shrugged and said, "Maybe I picked them up by mistake. Here I'll take them to school for the canned food drive we're doing."

Bella slid the cans across the counter and continued putting food away. I put the cans on the kitchen table so I wouldn't forget them in the morning.

I wished there was something I could do to make this all go away, make it better for her somehow. She was going to be the one who had to deal with the worst part of this. Okay yeah, I was going to die, but the people who were left behind, they were the ones who got the short end of the stick. They had to deal with the sick person, had to cart them to their appointments and clean up after them, then the sick person died and their suffering was done and over with, but the family, they had to deal with the grief, they had to find a way to keep living, to not let that death be the single most important event of their lives.

In a way, the sick person had it easy. You either got better or you died. I felt guilty for putting Bella through this, especially after everything she'd already gone through.

I found myself doing this everyday - cycling through the stages of grief. I'd wake up in denial, at lunch I'd be angry, by mid afternoon I was bargaining, dinner was served with a side of depression and at night, in those last few seconds before I fell asleep, acceptance would sneak its way in and I'd drift off to sleep at peace with the world.

Then the sun would rise and I'd be right back at denial. It was like one of those tea cup rides at Disney world. You'd spin around so fast, the platform was spinning and your cup was spinning, it created this blurry madhouse effect on your senses and all you wanted was for it to stop, but you couldn't, the dizzying rush was to exhilarating and when the ride ended and the cup stopped spinning you were left dizzy and disoriented.

That's what a cancer diagnoses is like. At first it's the spinning platform, the doctor's mouth forms the word cancer and you see it, but the platform is spinning so it's hard to tell if that's really what he said. Then your cup starts spinning, and your world is spinning and everything is confusing, your mind swirls around and around and it's hard to believe what your eyes are showing you.

Then you're left with the after affects, the spinning head and blurry vision. The world you know and the world you thought you knew are suddenly blurring together and the future is suddenly not as clear as it was when you woke up that morning.

And that's scary.

One minute you think you've got it all figured out, and the next minute your throwing pens and pencils around like a pissed off two year old and sobbing on the floor of your office.

Five stages of grief?

Yeah, they don't even begin to cover it.

* * *

**Well...yeah...for me this was hard to write (I cried the entire time I wrote it...lol) and truth be told I can't read it without crying like a baby...chemo comes next...keep the tissues handy...**

**love you all for reading!**

**Breathe Through - Annie Stela  
**


	24. The Beauty and The Tragedy

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**I'm sorry for making you all cry...hgmsnoopy..i have NO idea how i wrote that..  
**

**Bella**

I felt like I was losing myself. I walked around not really seeing anything. I went to the grocery store and just threw things into the cart at random. That's how dazed I was.

There was one morning; I was running a bit late and rushing to find Avery something for breakfast. I opened the cabinet looking for one of those cereal bars or a pop tart. Instead of finding pop tarts I found cookies. Lots and lots of cookies and I had no idea where the hell they'd come from. I remembered going shopping, but I couldn't remember whether or not I'd bought my son breakfast. Confusion turned to shame as I dug through the endless packages of cookies searching for the pop tarts.

I went to the fridge thinking I'd make him some eggs. I pulled the door open, and, sitting in the middle of the third shelf was a bunch of asparagus, their green stalks tightly bound by a wide blue rubber band.

I scratched my head wondering where it, too, had come from. I didn't eat asparagus, and as far as I knew neither did Jake. A can of okra and a can of hominy sat in the middle of the table, had been there for a few days now and again I had no idea how they'd gotten there or where they even came from.

This morning I stood, staring at the overstuffed refrigerator, tiny bubbles of hysteria tickling the inside of my stomach. I closed the fridge and turned around. Duke stared at me from the doorway. He tilted his head to the side as if to say, "What the hell are you doing, Bella?"

I opened the fridge again, certain there was a reason why I opened it in the first place. I stared at the contents, my stomach rolled, threatening to dispel any contents I even attempted to put in it.

I ran my hand through my hair, it was greasy and knotty and I wondered when the last time I took a shower was.

In the matter of seven days, "Seven days," I growled in The Ring fashion, then giggled hysterically; my life had been completely upended. My husband had cancer, my son's father was not the man I thought it was and I smelled like the wrong end of a pig.

I sank to the floor laughing hysterically. My whole life was fucked up beyond repair and I was laughing like a lunatic. Great tears rolled down my face as the hysterical laughter bubbled out of my mouth. Duke wandered over and licked my face, his slobbery tongue lapping at the salty tears.

I laughed until my sides ached, laying down on the tile floor clutching them, the dog leaning over me. I'm sure it was one hell of a sight. Thankfully Jake and Avery weren't home.

I felt like I was suspended in life. I didn't know what to do; I feebly clung to the hope that Jake was going to somehow beat this, that we'd have more time. But I knew better, I knew he was going to die, and I had no idea how to deal with it. I was just kind of...stuck.

* * *

That night after Avery went to bed, I disappeared into the bathroom. I lit the candles scattered around the room and filled the tub. The scent of white tea and jasmine filled the air as the steam swirled, fogging the mirror. I turned the radio on and climbed in, the water scalding my skin.

I ignored the burn and sank down into the water, the physical pain a welcome relief from the emotional pain I was in. I closed my eyes and listened to the song on the radio.

Music was trying to kill me.

Anytime I turned on the radio I heard a song that made me want to break down and cry. This moment was no different. I listened to the smooth voice of Kris Allen crooning, begging almost, that he needed to know.

I closed my eyes, clenching them shut, hoping it would deter the tears. They slipped out regardless, forcing their way out from between clenched lashes. They slid down my face and landed in the tub water.

The bathroom door opened slowly and I wiped my eyes. Jake shuffled into the bathroom.

"Hey babe," he said softly.

I smiled at him, "hi."

"Got room for one more in there?" he asked, his fingers skimming across the top of the water.

I nodded and pulled my legs up to my chest. He shucked off his clothes and stepped in. The water rose up as he sat down. I stretched my legs out and rested them on his calves.

He ran his fingers along my leg and said, "I'm sorry Bella."

I glanced up at him from under my lashes. "For what?"

Jake snorted, "For all of this. Look what I'm doing to you, to us."

"It's not your fault," I replied.

"It is," he said.

I sighed. I didn't want to play this game tonight. I looked over at him. "Jake, tonight please, please, can we just..." I sighed again, "Can we just pretend that tonight none of this exists. I don't know, I can't, I just need one night."

Jake smiled and nodded, "Whatever you want."

I leaned back against the porcelain of the tub and smiled. "How was your day?" I asked.

Jake chuckled softly, "It was good."

"That's good."

Jake mhmmed and then said, "What's the best thing that ever happened to you?"

The question took me by surprise and surprisingly I didn't need to think about it. "Moving to Forks," I said without hesitation.

"Really?"

I nodded, "Yes."

"Why?"

I smiled. "Because it brought me to you. What about you? What's the best thing that ever happened to you?"

"Marrying you," he said.

"Really?"

"Yeah. You made my life worth it."

Amazingly enough the tears didn't come and I was thankful.

"Best song ever?" Jake asked.

That I had to think about. "Like all time ever or current ever?"

"Both," he replied.

"Hmm. Okay, best song ever, I'm gonna have to say, _Into the Mystic_ by Van Morrison. Best song now, _Gravity_ by John Mayer."

"John Mayer? Really, he's such a freaking pansy," Jake joked.

I stared at him, my mouth hanging open. "John Mayer is not a pansy," I declared and splashed him. "What are your picks?"

"Oh that's easy," Jake said, "_Night Prowler_ by AC/DC."

"What about now?"

"Don't laugh," he warned.

I smiled an encouraging smile. He smiled back and said, "_Feeling Good_ by Michael Buble."

"I can dig it. That song is pretty awesome. Best movie ever?"

Jake laughed and said, "_E.T_."

"I've never seen that," I admitted.

"What?!" he exclaimed laughing.

I nodded shamefacedly. "Yup, never seen it."

"Wow, we're gonna have to rent it so you can see it. What's your best movie ever?"

"_Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind_," I said.

"Really? Why?"

"It's poignant," I said shrugging. "I mean to be able to erase someone who hurt you so badly you'd rather forget them than live past it. It's heartbreaking almost."

"Almost? It is heartbreaking. I mean, think of all the people who've hurt you. You'd rather just forget them, act like they never existed? That's strange. I mean imagine if you hear a song, like this one," he motioned to the radio where John Mayer was playing.

"Imagine this was your favorite song with someone, the someone you erased, and then one day you hear it and it crushes you and for the life of you, you can't figure out why. Imagine how confusing that would be."

I thought about it. If, after Jake was gone, I had the opportunity to erase him, to take away all the pain, would I? Could I? Would it be worth it, to erase almost five years, well more if you went all the way back to high school, worth of memories just to feel better for five minutes?

Right now the answer was no. Who knows how I'd feel after.

"I think that it makes sense, in a way. I mean, take the crap with Embry in college. Okay yeah, I hurt him, but he hurt me too. Would it be worth it to erase that? Maybe, but now, looking back, it didn't really hurt that bad. I mean it did, but it wasn't bad enough that I couldn't get over it. So I think it's a matter of perspective, and how strong you are. As much as things can hurt I don't think I'd erase it. It's like my mom used to say, if it doesn't kill you it only makes you stronger."

Jake nodded. "I agree," he said.

We stayed in the tub until the water was frigid and the candles burned low. It was strange, we'd been together for five years and friends for much longer, but I learned a lot about Jake that night, a lot of things I didn't know before.

We were safe there in the tub, we were able to be Bella and Jake, pre-cancer. As long as we were in the tub we could pretend like he wasn't sick. And for that short amount of time I was grateful. The long haul was coming up and I needed a night like tonight.

* * *

That night in the tub was the last night of normalcy. Jake started chemotherapy the next day. We went to the hospital and he walked into the room where they did chemo. A circle of comfortable chairs was set up; a TV hung above the door a day time show played quietly. A nurse with pale orange scrubs smiled at us as we walked in.

She checked a chart and directed Jake to a seat, then set about getting his treatment started. I sat there beside him, trying not to stare at all the equipment and the other patients.

That was the first and last time I went to chemo with Jake. I dropped him off and picked him up, but I couldn't sit in that room with all those people. It was selfish, I know, but I couldn't do it.

After the first round of chemo, we got home and Jake fell asleep on the couch. He slept until dinner time. Avery sensed the change in the house, I think, even though we never said anything to him. He sat in the family room quietly coloring until it was time for dinner.

Jake stumbled to the table looking a little like Kermit the Frog; his face was a tad green. "I don't feel too good," he groaned as he sat down. Not even five seconds later he bolted from the table and into the bathroom.

And so it began. The next week we went back for the next round of chemo. That night he lay in bed, an old five gallon bucket beside the bed. When I woke up the next morning, he was laying on the couch in the sitting room adjacent to our room. "Sorry," he said as I climbed out of bed. "Didn't want to wake you."

The third week he was combing his hair when giant clumps got caught in the brush bristles. I gasped at the long locks of chestnut hair blowing softly in the air. Jake shaved his head that night while I sat on the counter trying not to cry.

By the middle of March and the second month of chemo, his taste buds changed. I made steak for dinner, thinking it would be a nice surprise. Jake walked in the door; he and Avery had gone to the park. He sniffed the air and said, "Wow what smells so good?"

I smiled at him and said, "I made your favorite."

Avery strut across the kitchen, pointed at the potatoes I'd just cleaned, and said, "Mommy, I don't wanna baked potato, I wanna French fry."

I picked him up and said, "Oh really?"

Avery nodded and said, "I don't like baked potato. Duke doesn't either."

"Well Duke's not supposed to eat baked potatoes Monster."

Avery giggled and said, "But mommy, he likes potatoes. He told me so."

I smiled and said, "I'm sure he does and I'm sure he told you he likes them, but Duke needs to eat puppy food, not Monster food, okay?"

I set Avery down. "Okay," he said sullenly. I asked him to make sure Duke had dinner. He charged off toward the garage screaming, "Duke!"

I kissed Jake then asked him what else he wanted for dinner. He chuckled and said, "Let's make Avery's night. French fries and a salad."

He crossed the kitchen and flicked off the classical music I'd taken to listening to. Jake tuned the radio on then he came up to me, took my hand and spun me around. I whirled around he drew me closer to him.

Jake sang along with the song that was playing, softly whispering the words into my ear. I leaned into him our bodies meshing, our emotions and thoughts becoming one, and in that moment I wasn't alone in my fear.

In that moment, for those three odd minutes or so we were one person afraid of the future. The song ended and I clung to him. "One more?" I pleaded into the soft cotton of his tee shirt, the scent of him making my head spin. I clung to Jake, a drowning woman clinging to the last bit of a sinking ship.

Avery tugged on my shirt. I looked down at him. "The girl said a bad word," he said solemnly.

I started laughing, I couldn't help it. I picked him up and whirled him around the kitchen. "She did, but she's a grown up so it's okay. Did you feed Duke?"

Avery giggled, "Duke said he wants baked potato."

"Your silly," I laughed.

"Okay mommy, if you say so."

I turned, swaying back and forth with Avery on my hip. I stopped when I saw Jake's expression. His eyes were red, wet track marks streaked his face. "I love you," I mouthed.

He gave a nod and mouthed back, "I love you too."

I spun Avery around once more before I put him down. "That's all for now Monster. Mommy has to finish making dinner. Why don't you and daddy go see if Scooby doo is on."

Jake held out his hand and Avery ran, grasping Jake's large hand in his small one. The two of them trudged off toward the family room. I went back to the radio and turned it back to the classical station.

It was too hard to listen to the radio. Every song sounded like it was written about me and Jake or our situation. Classical music had no words, just beautiful melodies. It was easy not to feel anything while listening to it.

I finished the salad and checked the fries, set the table and put out some ketchup and salad dressing. When the oven timer dinged I called Jake and Avery to the table. The two of them ambled in, Avery singing the Scooby doo theme song, Duke hot on their heels.

Avery climbed into his chair; Duke took his regular position under it, hoping to catch any of Avery's scraps.

Jake and I sat down. I put some salad on mine and Jake's plate while he cut up a piece of steak for Avery. Avery shouted, "hot dog!" when Jake put fries on his plate, followed by a few slices of tomato.

Jake sat down and started cutting up his steak. He made a face, raising his napkin to his face; he spit the wad of meat into it.

"what's wrong?" I asked.

He reached out and took Avery's steak away. Avery started screaming, which made Duke start barking.

"Jake what's wrong?" I said over the noise.

"Steaks no good," he said.

"What are you talking about? It's fine." I took a bite and chewed it thoughtfully just to prove my point. It tasted fine to me so I reached across the table and took a piece of Jake's steak. Popping it into my mouth I chewed it.

"Bella don't eat that," he protested, "you're gonna get sick."

"Jake there is nothing wrong with it," I said.

He shook his head doubtfully and took another bite of steak and spit it out. "I don't understand," he said.

I shrugged; something was coming back to me. Something I'd read in one of the hundreds of pamphlets that littered the office; something about food and chemo. "I think I read something about the chemo affecting your appetite or the way food tastes," I told him. "Exactly what I can't remember but I think it had to do with foods you used to like are going to be gross and foods that were gross are going to be good. Try a tomato."

He looked at me, skeptical. Jake hated tomatoes and anything made with tomatoes - ketchup, spaghetti sauce, pizza, you name it he wouldn't eat it.

He reached across the table and speared a slice of tomato out of the bowl and cautiously put it in his mouth. He chewed thoughtfully, a pained expression on his face. He swallowed and said, "Ok that wasn't so bad. Not good, but definitely not bad either."

I sat there, rewriting my grocery list, celebrating almost. I could eat pizza with sauce again and spaghetti with something besides Alfredo sauce. I laughed as Jake ate another tomato. "Hello silver lining," I murmured.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

* * *

That night, after Avery went to bed, Jake and I were laying in bed when he rolled over and glanced at me.

"What's up?" I asked.

"I have a question," he said.

"Okay."

"It's about Embry," he stated.

"Okay," I repeated, a bit guarded this time.

"Are we going to tell him he has a son?"

"Nope," I said curtly.

"Bella he deserves to know," Jake sighed wearily.

"Avery doesn't deserve that," I retorted.

"He's young and you don't have to tell him Embry's his real father."

"Embry's not his real father," I said emphatically. "You are. He's almost four years old, you're the only father he's ever known. And I highly doubt that, a. Embry will care and b. that he'll believe either of us."

"He can think we're lying," Jake said evenly. "DNA doesn't lie."

"We're not telling him," I hissed.

Jake sighed and rolled over, "okay, fine. We won't tell him."

Somehow, the way he said it, the tone of his voice, I didn't believe him. "I'm serious Jake," I said.

He didn't answer me. A few seconds later the soft, even sound of his breathing filled the room and I knew that the battle had been won but we were still fighting the war. I shoved the bookmark back into my book and reached up, shutting off the lamp.

The room was washed in darkness and I closed my eyes wearily. We survived another day. Let's hope the same could be said tomorrow night.

* * *

And so it went. Jake dropped the bit about telling Embry, we went to chemo, he threw up, we carried on. Like those garish carousel horses we kept going round and round, chemo, throw up, another day for six months straight. Avery turned four, I turned another year older...at this point I could barely remember my own name, age had eluded me. I was barely hanging on. I tried my best, but my best didn't feel good enough. It was like the directions on a bottle of shampoo.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

* * *

**My mom is a firm believe in what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. These last few chapters were really hard to write...I had a relative who was diagnosed with breast cancer late last year, then a friend of mine (who i loved very dearly...unrequited teenage love is a bitch) who passed away in August..he didn't have cancer, but another, just as ugly and deadly, illness that ultimately took his life. its been six months since he passed and I still don't know how to deal with his death..in a way...i guess this is my healing..and even though it hurts like hell, putting it into fiction and sharing it with the world, or at least you guys, and you all telling me about the loved ones you've lost, let's me know that I'm not alone and not the only one who is/has suffered...its kind of like the line from With You by Sum 41..."these words are my heart and soul..." **

**Love you all for reading**

**_The Beauty and The Tragedy_ by Trading Yesterday  
**


	25. WTF

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**I know there was a question about this being bella and embry...patience please, patience....the stories called Full Circle for a reason (wink wink) in case your confused many months have passed...its now almost Christmas...  
**

**Embry**

The train woke me this morning. The six thirty to Boston. I'd fallen asleep, yeah right; it was more like passed out, with the bedroom window wide open. The blaring sound of the horn, mixed with the cold winter morning air, woke me.

I rolled over, my body stiff from drink and the icy climate. My arm reached out, traveling out over the vacant sheets. She was gone. It wasn't a big surprise; I knew she would be. Bella never stayed for long; especially when I'd been drinking.

She'd appear like an angel in my drunken haze, lean against the table or window sill, whatever flat surface was closet and always in that dress I'd last seen her in, and laugh mockingly at me.

It didn't matter that I held superstar status in the NFL or made millions of dollars each year, and I highly doubted she cared that my face was plastered all over every box of Wheaties in grocery stores nationwide. She always laughed at me, always sat in the corner, a figment of my imagination, mocking me.

It had taken too many years to realize that she stopped caring when I stopped caring. I wish I could've told her that I never stopped caring, that instead I just lost track of the things that were truly important. I was so focused on the big picture that I forgot all about the man running the projector. It was something I regretted everyday for the last five years and I'd do anything to get it back. At least now in the last throws of my drunken haze. Ask me again when I was sober and you'd probably get a much different answer.

I rolled out of my bed, my head pounding and my vision swimming, searching for a pair of sweat pants. I found a pair that were clean, at least I thought they were, and pulled them on, then stumbled to the window and slammed it shut.

From the other room a bell tinkled, the soft chime a cacophony of gonging in my alcohol induced haze. I walked toward the door, the slap of bare feet on the wooden floor amplified. I needed some god damn ear plugs or something, all this noise - it was killing me.

I grasped the frigid brass knob and turned it. The door swung open slowly and I padded down the hall.

"Embry?" a feeble voice called.

"Coming, Mom," I called back softly then wondered if she'd be able to smell the bourbon on my breath and oozing out of every pore of my body.

Two years ago I bought this house in Boston for my mother. It was the kind she always wanted; large, airy, looking over the ocean, well in this case it was more like the bay, but I suppose the kind of water the view offered didn't really matter. The house was my mother's dream house; 4,000 square feet of panoramic view of the bay, gardens to die for, more bedrooms and bathrooms than any normal person would know what to do with.

Too bad for her she hadn't been healthy long enough to appreciate it. She was dying at that was all that really mattered. It wasn't a surprise, not after the lifetime of misery my father put her through. But that didn't have shit to do with what was wrong with her. She was fighting a losing battle against diabetes, her kidneys had shut down and she needed dialysis daily, that's how bad it had gotten. I pushed open her door, crossing the room and sitting down on the edge of the bed. She glanced at me through half closed eyes.

"Hi Mom," I said softly.

She smiled weakly, her trembling hand reaching up to caress my face. "My boy," she murmured. "I am so proud of you."

"Thanks Mom, but it's all because of you; you raised me, you made me who I am."

She waved her hand feebly. "Now you listen to me," her voice trembled. "I'm not going to be around much longer. Take care of yourself, work hard and play fair. You understand?"

I nodded, she said the same thing every morning. Downstairs, the front door opened. Soft soled shoes squeaked quietly across the gleaming hardwood floors. Water began running in the kitchen. A few minutes later the fragrant aroma of fresh brewed coffee floated through the house.

On the bed next to me, my mom floated back into unconsciousness. I stood and turned to face the hospice nurse, Francine, who stood in the doorway, a pale blue washcloth and a steaming pitcher of water in her hand.

"Morning, Mr. Call," she said coming into the room. "Coffee's brewing and I picked up some of those onion bagels you like; the ones from the bakery on the corner."

I stood beside the bed glancing down at my mother once more. "Thanks Francine. I'm gonna head out for the day. I'll be back around noon."

Francine Cope nodded; tucking the blankets in tightly around my mother's sleeping form. I walked down the hall, gently closing the door to my room. Outside the sky was dark grey, the clouds plump with the promise of snow before nightfall.

Quickly pulling on a Tampa Bay Buccaneers sweatshirt and my cross trainers I headed out for a six mile run around the city.

The frigid air burnt my lungs as my feet slapped the sidewalk. Frost bloomed across my brain, freezing it, blocking away the unwanted memories, chasing away the hangover.

This was the one time I didn't have to think, couldn't even if I wanted to. Running was my respite, the one escape from reality that I still had a grip on. My body, and the hangover, fought me for the first mile, but halfway into the second mile my head started to clear and the only sound I heard was the quick draw and release of my own breath, and the barking of the occasional dog. I followed the trail into, then all the way around Squantum Point Park. Despite the early hour and brisk weather, the trail was full of people running or walking their dogs.

I dodged a pair of blue haired old women in neon pink nylon jogging suits. The taller of the two cat-called as I jogged by. I suppressed a grin and kept going. I passed the marker signaling the six mile mark, my brain came off autopilot as I passed it and all the worries and stresses of being me came rushing back, like a wave to the shore.

Up ahead was a woman, tall and thin with legs for days. She was walking with a man. He said something, touching her forearm with his left hand, motioning flamboyantly with his right. She laughed, tossing her head back, the musical sound echoed out over the air. I stumbled, the simple movement, the laugh - the way she gently grasped his arm as he continued his humorous tale; it all reminded me of Bella. It was something she would do, toss her head back and laugh, gently touch my arm as she did on the rare occasion I said something funny. Bitterness and bile bit the back of my throat. I rarely made her laugh; it was always Jake that made her laugh. It was still enough to make me see red.

No matter how many times I told myself I was over her I saw her everywhere. In the coffee shop around the corner from my house in Tampa, in the crowd at the game in Houston. She was the makeup girl at the photo shoot for the deodorant campaign, or the check out girl at the grocery store. The kid's mom who asked me for an autograph as I was leaving the airport in Boston. She was everywhere and nowhere and I would give anything just to see her once again.

It was sad and pathetic; trust me, you're preaching to the choir, to still be in love with her. I loved her and hated her all at the same time. I guess that old saying a thin line between love and hate was true because I could hardly choose which one I felt more.

When I got back to the house, sweaty and exhausted - mentally and physically, Francine was sitting by the fire reading a Nora Roberts book. She looked up, book marking her page as I shut the door.

"There was two phone calls while you were out," she said softly setting the book down on the end table.

"Who was it?" I asked figuring it would be one of my coaches, trying to touch base with me to figure out what was going on.

"A man." She consulted the notepad on the table beside her. "Jacob Black. He called to talk to your mother, but I told him she was indisposed, and he asked if I knew how to get a hold of you. I told him I did, but I'd have to speak to you before giving out any of your personal information. He left a number and asked me to have you call him. He said it was urgent. And your agent."

I saw red. Fighting the urge to hit something I curtly thanked Francine and stalked off to the bathroom to shower. What the hell did that bastard want? Wasn't it bad enough he screwed my girlfriend, then married her and started playing house out there in Jacksonville. What the hell could he possibly want from me?

I ripped off the soaked sweatshirt and sweatpants, tossing them in a heap in the corner of the bathroom. I turned the water on then stepped into the scalding spray. Urgent, what the hell could be so urgent? I hadn't talked to him in almost five years. He was in the bar with Bella that night, what four years ago, but he stood off to the side looking smug. I felt sucker punched again, just like I did when Bella looked at me with those watery brown eyes and confessed to sleeping with Jake.

All the desire to see her, hold her, touch her suddenly left me. She was my own personal demon. Chained to my ankle, hell bent on driving me mad with longing and desire. The devil in a white dress.

I hated her.

I loved her.

Once the hot water was depleted I shut the stinging spray off and stepped out, wrapping a towel around my waist. As I got dressed I decided that I didn't care about what Jake wanted. He could rot in hell for all I cared.

I never called him back.

Three days later the phone rang. Francine was in the other room giving my mom a bath so I answered it, immediately regretting it.

"Hello?" I said biting into an apple and flipping through the channels on the TV in the living room.

"Embry?" a feeble voice asked.

"Yeah, who's this?"

"It's Jake," the voice said.

I hung up without another word. A few seconds later the phone rang again. I silenced the ring and let it go to voicemail, whatever the fuck he wanted, or had to say he could tell it to the robotic answering machine because I did not give one flying fuck. The message sat on the voicemail for two days before I finally listened to it.

It was a Friday night, I was heading back to Tampa the following afternoon and couldn't sleep, curiosity was starting to get the best of me. Anytime I walked into the kitchen the red blinking light on the phone would flash mockingly at me. Quietly I climbed out of bed and went into the kitchen. Picking up the phone I sat down at the island and dialed the voicemail, unable to keep the curiosity at bay any longer.

After following all the instructions, Jake's voice greeted me. My stomach twisted into knots as he spoke.

"Look, Embry. I know you don't want to hear from me, but there are things I need to talk to you about and I don't have much time."

Why are you dying? I wanted to ask.

"I'm dying. The doctors keep saying I don't have much time, but what the hell do they know. That's beside the point. Look I really need to talk to you before it's too late." Jake paused, it sounded like he took a deep breath. He exhaled shakily into the phone. "Please, just call me back. Please."

He left the number he could be reached at. Glancing at the clock I decided it was too late to call. I jotted the number down and promised myself I'd call in the morning.

The following morning I dug my phone out of my carry-on bag and carried it into my room. Sitting down on the edge of the bed I stared at the slip of paper that had his phone number written on it. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. The dam that held back all those emotions was breaking; all those feelings were beating against it as I stared down at the number.

Fuck it, I finally decided. If he was dying maybe he had to say some things to absolve his soul or some other religious mumbo jumbo. I dialed the number, listening to it ring three times before chickening out and hanging up.

A few seconds later the phone vibrated in hand. I jumped, dropping it. The phone clattered to the floor where it buzzed across the hardwood. I bent down at picked it up.

"Hello?" I said, pressing it to my ear.

"Embry?"

"Yeah."

"Its Jake, how are you?"

I snorted. "You didn't call to find out how I was," I sneered. "What do you want?"

"Look, I know you're probably still pissed because of the past-"

"You're goddamn right I'm still pissed. You fucked my girlfriend, then married her. Jesus Christ man, why shouldn't I be pissed off?"

"Because it was five years ago!" Jake exploded. "Put your damn big girl panties on and get over it!"

"You know what, whatever Jake. Thanks for calling but I don't have to time to deal with this bullshit." I stood up and went to the window. It had snowed the night before, a fresh white coating to make the world look new again.

"Well let me ask you if you have time for your son," Jake said. "Do you have time for your son?"

My heart stopped. My son? I didn't have a son. "I don't have a son," I said. Panic seized my throat. I had the distinct feeling that he was about to drop a bomb on me.

"Yeah you do, you asshole. He's four years old. His name is Avery and he loves Scooby Doo."

I sank back down onto the bed. I had a son. I had a four year old son that I knew nothing about. "Why? How? I mean-"

"Come to Jacksonville, please," Jake asked. "At least let me apologize for the past before I die."

I numbly agreed. I flew back to Tampa that afternoon in a state of shock and denial. How could I have a four year old son? Jake and Bella had been together that long, well longer. There was no way he was my kid. How could he be?

It was some stupid ploy; Jake was supposedly dying, so Bella was going to need money to raise her kid. Of course, blame the successful NFL star for knocking her up four years ago. Fucking classic. Well we'd just see about that.

Monday morning I headed out of Tampa, heading northeast to make a surprise trip to Jacksonville. I had no trouble finding her address, daughter of an ex-NFL player; of course someone had tabs on her.

I pulled into the driveway of a pleasant and brand new looking house in a Jacksonville suburb. A big wheel sat parked in the middle of the lawn. A little tyke's basketball hoop was set up at the top of the driveway.

Christmas lights were tucked into the bushes and stapled around the front door and windows. The front door was open. I peered inside as I rang the doorbell. A Christmas tree was set up in the corner opposite a large TV cabinet. There were toy trucks scattered all over, a large and extremely furry dog dozed by the fireplace.

A woman's voice yelped, then hollered, "Avery Nicholas, get your tiny heinie in here and pick up these trucks before Mommy throws them out. I don't think Santa would be too happy about that!"

My heart skipped a beat, then another. Bella's frame filled the door; her face went from happy to shocked in record time, her hand fluttered to her throat. "Never mind, Avery, finish watching Scooby Doo, Mommy will be right back."

She pushed open the storm door and stepped onto the porch, pulling the wooden door closed behind her. "What do you want?" she hissed wrapping her arms around her middle.

I wanted to kiss her and throw up all at the same time. "I- uh, um, I talked to Jake. He said he's sick and that my son is going to need a father once he's gone. What the hell Bella?"

Her brown eyes darkened in anger. "I don't know what you're talking about," she stated blankly, her eyes narrowing.

"So the boys not mine?"

"That's what I'm telling you," she said angrily. "Now if you don't mind, I have chicken nuggets to cook and an episode of Scooby Doo to go watch."

She pulled open the door and stepped inside. I stood frozen on the spot, relief flooding me. Bella turned to close the front door, saw me still standing there.

"Get off my porch," she muttered slamming the door in my face.

I walked stunned, back to my car. What the hell was going on? Jake says the kid is mine, Bella says he's not.

Jake's probably lying, just trying to use me as a meal ticket for Bella and his kid once he's gone, if he's even sick.

Fuck the both of them. I got in the car and drove. Something told me to stay in the city, the reason for me being here wasn't over yet. I found a hotel and checked in. Night fell over the city and I waited.

* * *

**So there ya have it...Embry now knows he has a son..even if he is a pompous ass who can hold onto his anger for five years...wow someone needs some therapy..**

**WTF by Ok Go  
**


	26. Why

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

connect2jb...i'll be honest...It kills me to have the chapters ready and wait to post them...lol..but at this stage of the story the chapters are the first draft and quite honestly, horrible...I had to sit down yesterday and re-read and re-write a lot of it becuase it made absolutly no sense...Embry is a prick, yes....but I will say...as I was reading the newer chapters he does a real 360..I mean he has his moment's but he turns back into the embry we all loved back in high school...this one isn't too bad...you might tear up here and there, but its not like, total cry fest..

**Bella**

I slammed the door, and just for good measure, clicked the deadbolt in place. I leaned against the door, breathing heavily, my heart racing, hell even my mind was racing. Did that just happen? I wondered. And if it did why in the hell is Embry Call standing on my front porch.

Avery ran into the room and said, "Mommy, who was that?"

I walked away from the door and patted Avery's head. "No one important Monster. Let's go make some lunch. Are chicken nuggets okay?"

"Yeah!" he exclaimed, "I love chicken nuggets!"

I laughed a shaky, breathy sound and followed him into the kitchen, glancing at the clock on the stove. Jake should be back any second. I wasn't sure if he should go out there alone, but he assured me he felt fine and I believed him. By now I was able to tell when he was having a good day and when the day was just pure hell for him. He'd smiled and blew me a kiss before disappearing out the door to pick up Sue from the airport. I called her earlier this month to see if she could come down and help me, mostly with Avery.

The night we'd told them he was sick, Sue broke down on the phone, handing it off to Charlie who sat, what I can only imagine as speechlessly, as I told him the news. They offered to come down earlier, but I assured them that everything was fine, that we were fine and we would get through this. As the months passed and Jake got worse instead of better I found myself wishing I had accepted their offer.

Jake was touch and go by this point, he stopped with the chemo, with the treatments. Nothing was working and it just made him sick and miserable on top of already being sick and miserable. Some days he was fine, a glimmer of his former self, and he'd run around with Duke and Avery as if the cancer was just a repetitive nightmare. Other days he could barely get out of bed. Once, he fainted at work and had to be rushed to the hospital. He wasn't working anymore, the day after he fainted he resigned, telling the principle that he didn't want to endanger or upset the kids. The principle understood and the staff threw him a huge farewell party in the gym after school one day.

"Mommy?" Avery said.

I looked up; he held the bag of chicken nuggets out and shook them. I took the bag and opened it, spreading out five frozen nuggets on a plate. Avery popped open the microwave and pushed the buttons, starting the machine.

As the microwave counted down the time, I wondered why the hell Embry showed up at my house, not only that but how the hell did he even know how to find me? And more importantly, why was he here?

Then it hit me, Jake called him. That's the only explanation that made sense. Embry would have no reason to suspect that Avery was his, hell he'd have no reason to even know I had a kid unless someone told him and I doubted that Charlie or Sue carried on regular conversations with him. That left Jake. Jake who wanted me to tell him, Jake who insisted he be told. Forget cancer, I was going to kill him when he walked his ass back in this house.

The microwave beeped and I popped the door open, pulling the steaming plate of sizzling chicken nuggets out. "Monster, get the ketchup out of the fridge, okay?"

"Okay mommy."

I pulled a smaller plate out, Optimus Prime and the other auto-bots stared back at me as I covered their faces with chicken nuggets and a squirt of ketchup. I put the plate on the table and Avery climbed into his seat and started talking to the chicken nuggets and the transformers on his plate.

I suppressed a smile as I listened to him ask Optimus Prime if he liked chicken. He answered himself in a gravelly voice.

Duke circled the table, whining for a chicken nugget. I shooed him and opened the backdoor, kicking the dog outside.

Across the kitchen, I heard the garage door rumble open and a few minutes later the door opened and Sue, followed by Jake, stepped into the kitchen.

Conversations with chicken nuggets and transformers forgotten, Avery jumped out of his chair and ran across the kitchen. "Nana!" he shrieked.

Sue bent down and scooped him up. "Avery Monster!" she exclaimed, covering his face in kisses. "You've gotten so big since I last saw you."

Jake came around her, suitcases in hand. He glanced up at me as I glared at him. "You and I need to talk," I hissed at him.

"Uh, okay."

He walked off toward the guest room and I went to hug Sue. "Hi mom, how was your flight?"

She patted my back and said, "It was okay, a little crowded, but seeing as how it's almost Christmas I'm not surprised."

"That's good. I'll be right back; I need to talk to Jake about something real quick."

He was coming out of the guest room when I marched toward him and pushed him into his office. I shut the door behind me and turned on my heel. "You called Embry didn't you?" I hissed.

His face went white and he stammered, "No, I mean yes, but-"

"But nothing. God damn it I told you not to call him. He freaking showed up on the front porch while you were gone and wanted to know if Avery was his son."

"Wait, he showed up here? How the hell did he even know where we live?"

"The hell if I know," I shrugged. "Jesus Christ Jake, why did you have to call him? What the hell were you thinking?"

Jake shrugged and ran a hand over the peach fuzz on his head. His hair started to grow back a few months after he stopped chemo. It was sparse and fine, but it was hair nevertheless.

"I just thought he should know. You're not going to tell him and he needed to know, Avery needs him to know, so yeah I went behind your back and told him."

I wanted to hit something. "You had no right to do that," I said angrily and then left the room.

I needed to be alone, I needed to be by myself for like an hour, so I walked the three paces down the hall into my craft room, slammed the door. I crossed the room and turned on the stereo that sat in the corner then powered up my computer. I had about six months worth of pictures that needed to be edited and now seemed as good a time as any.

The Nikon was sitting on the edge of the desk. I picked it up and popped the memory card out and slid it into the SD card reader on my computer. The box popped up and the photos loaded, almost five hundred of them. I smiled as I clicked on the first one. It was a picture of Jake and Avery. They were both lying on the couch, Scooby doo playing in the background and they were both asleep, Jake's arm wrapped protectively around Avery. A much smaller Duke was curled up on the end of the couch, lying on Jake's feet.

I sat there for an hour, scrolling through the photos, deciding which ones to keep and which ones to toss. I opened Photoshop and loaded the pictures, humming along to Taylor Swift on the radio as I edited the pictures, cropping and re-coloring them when necessary.

When I was finished, I uploaded them to Snapfish and checked my credit card info. While I waited, there was a knock at the door. "Come in," I called, "unless you're Jake, then go away."

The door opened and Sue stuck her head in. "Everything okay?" she asked.

"No," I snorted.

"What's going on?" she asked coming into the room.

I swiveled in my chair and looked at her. "Hmm, let's see my dying husband went behind my back and called my ex-boyfriend to tell him that the son we thought was Jake's really isn't, its Embry's. Then Embry shows up on the porch like three hours ago and wants to know if what Jake said is true."

"What did you tell him?"

I gaped at her. "What do you think I told him?"

Sue shrugged.

"I told him he wasn't and then I told him to get the hell off my front porch."

"I told Jake this was a bad idea," Sue muttered.

"Wait, what? You knew he was going to do this?"

"Now hold on a minute, Bella. He called me back in September and asked me for Embry's mom's phone number. I told him she moved to Boston about two years ago and that we really hadn't kept in touch much over the last two years but that I would try to find the number for him. He told me that he would talk to you about it again before he did anything."

"He asked you for this in September?"

Sue nodded. "Yes, he called and said that he needed to do it before it was too late."

I shook my head. This was so damn stupid. Embry wouldn't care, hell he probably wouldn't even believe Jake - or me - if we told him he had a kid. Well hopefully after today he'd stay away.

Later that night I was coming out of Avery's room. Jake came out of ours at the same time. "Come here," he said softly.

I followed him into our room and sat down on the loveseat in the sitting room. "What?" I wasn't really angry anymore, stunned had taken angers place.

"I'm sorry," Jake said. "I apologize for going behind your back. I shouldn't have done that and I don't want you to be mad at me. I love you and I just want to make sure that everything's taken care of, you know, for…after."

Here came the tears. "I know," I mumbled. "I just didn't expect to open the door and see him standing there. Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll go crawl back under whatever rock he's been hiding under all this time."

Jake sat down beside me and took my hand. "I always loved holding your hand. Did you know that?"

I shook my head no and looked down at our entwined fingers, caramel and crème. We complimented each other perfectly. "We fit well together," I told him.

"Perfectly," he said. "do you want to know why I loved holding your hand?"

I glanced up into his open eyes. I saw the love swimming there, the years of memories and the unspoken fears. My heart ached, my throat swelled and I blinked back tears. "Why?" I asked thickly.

"It's going to sound cheesy," he said, "but making love, it was never about you and me in bed." He shook his head, "No, we made love every time we held hands."

I blinked back the tears and laid my head on his shoulder. "Please don't ever leave me," I sobbed. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I promise," he said solemnly. "I won't ever leave you." His thumb rubbed soothing circles on my wrist, calming me in ways on he could. I closed my eyes and together we sat, one united front against the storm that was quietly brewing.

* * *

A week later the four of us went out to do some Christmas shopping. Jake complained that he wasn't feeling well. I asked him if he wanted to go home, but he brushed me off and said he'd be okay. We were in the food court at the mall, Jake and Avery were sitting down, I had just gotten our food and was walking back toward the table when I saw Jake slump over and tumble to the ground.

I dropped the tray I was carrying, soda, French fries and steak sandwiches spilled all over the floor, and I ran toward him. Avery was freaking out, crying and hollering for Jake. People gathered around, one man was smart enough to pull out his cell phone and ask if he should call 911. I knelt beside Jake cradling his head in my hands. I fought to keep the tears at bay and checked to see if he had a pulse and was breathing, but honestly I was too hysterical to really tell. A burly paramedic pulled me out of the way and set about working on Jake.

"Does he have any medical conditions we need to be aware of?" he barked.

I sat there, staring at him for a second. The paramedic leaned over and grasped my shoulders. "Ma'am, I understand this is upsetting but if you want us to save his life I need to know if this man has any pre-existing medical conditions," his tone was firm but sympathetic.

"Cancer," I said softly, "Stage four non-Hodgkin's lymphoma."

"Thank you," he replied and went back to trying to help Jake. He barked orders to the other paramedics and suddenly a yellow stretched appeared. They picked Jake up like he weighed no more than a sack of potatoes and strapped him down.

"Alright let's go," burly barked.

I looked around for Sue; she said she was going to check out a couple of stores while we ate. I felt torn, should I stay or should I go with the ambulance?

In the end I went with the ambulance. I figured I'd call Sue once we got to the hospital.

The ambulance tore through the city, the lights over head wailing as we weaved in and out of traffic. I didn't know what was going on with Jake, the paramedics were hovering over him, barking out codes and words I couldn't spell let alone pronounce. Avery was clinging to me, sobbing into my chest. I wished, so desperately, that he didn't have to see this.

The ambulance careened into the hospital and screeched to a stop. The doors flew open and the stretcher was pulled out. The burly paramedic took Avery and held him, the offered me his hand and helped me out of the back of the ambulance.

The paramedics rushed Jake inside, I followed behind, not quite sure of what was going on. I walked in was immediately directed to take a seat and the doctor would be out as soon as he could to give me an update.

I found a seat and cradled Avery to my chest. I looked around at all the other people surrounding me and wondered what was going to happen.

While we waited, I called Sue; she said she would be there as soon as she could. Twenty minutes later she rushed into the E.R. and sank down into the vacant seat beside me. "Oh sweetie, what's going on? Have they come out and talked to yet?"

I shook my head no. Hysteria was clawing at my stomach, my throat, my mind. The phrase, "No news is bad news," kept echoing over and over and over again in my mind. Every time the doors would open my eyes would dart up hoping to see Doctor Michelson or Jake or someone who could tell me what the hell was going on.

Day faded into night and still no news. Finally Sue got up; she looked down at me and said, "I'm going to find out what's going on."

She walked up to the nurses' station and pointed toward the double doors and at me. She grew visibly more agitated and finally threw her hands up in the air and came back to where I was sitting. "They don't know anything yet."

"How could they not know anything, we've been here for hours?"

Sue shrugged. "I don't know. But we'll keep waiting, someone will tell us something."

So we waited, and waited some more. The crowd that was here when I first got here had cleared out, and a new crowd had taken its place.

It was after midnight when Michelson came out of the double doors. He looked around and, when he spotted me, he walked toward me like a man with a mission.

I stood as he approached. "Bella," he said wearily.

"How's Jake? Is he okay, did something happen? What's going on?"

Michelson patted my arm. "One question at a time, okay?"

I nodded, "Sorry, been sitting here for a while and no one would tell me anything."

"I'm sorry for that," Michelson said sympathetically. "Jake is stable now, but I don't know how much longer he has."

"Wait, what do you mean how much longer he has?"

"We ran tests, lots of tests, and the cancer - it, well it's taking over Jake's body. He doesn't have long. We'd like to keep him here; I'm not so sure he's stable enough to move."

I fought the damn tears that were always threatening, it was a wonder I still possessed the ability to cry. I took a deep breath and calmed myself. "Can I see him?" I asked.

Michelson nodded, "Only for a few minutes, he needs his rest."

Sue stood, Avery clinging to her, and the three of us followed Michelson behind the double doors. Hushed voices and the steady beeping of the machines were the only sounds we heard as we walked toward Jake's room.

Michelson pushed open the door and Jake smiled weakly from where he lay. I rushed to his side, fingers touching his arm, and face and chest. "Oh my god, don't ever scare me like that again," I scolded.

Jake laughed weakly and said, "I'm sorry babe, I'll try not to pass out in a public place again."

I smacked his chest lightly. "You know that's not what I mean."

He laughed softly. "I know. Where's my Avery Monster?"

"Right here daddy," Avery mumbled.

"Come here buddy."

Sue set Avery down and he ran across the room, throwing himself onto the bed. "Daddy you scared me," he whispered.

Jake patted his back and said, "I'm sorry buddy, Daddy's sick and needed some medicine. I didn't mean to scare you."

Michelson cleared his throat and I picked Avery up. "Come on Monster, it's time for us to go home."

"I don't wanna go home," Avery sobbed, "I wanna stay with Daddy."

I rubbed his back and said, "I know you do buddy, but tonight daddy needs to get some rest and we do to, so we're gonna go home and get some sleep and we'll come back tomorrow okay?"

He sobbed into my chest until his sobs quieted and he dozed off. I glanced over Avery's head and looked at Jake. "Sleep, we'll be back in the morning."

I took a few steps toward the bed and leaned down, kissing Jake's forehead. "I _will _see you in the morning," I said, then, "I love you."

Jake's eyes drooped, "I love you too," he murmured.

Sue and I left the darkened room and headed home. I sat in the passenger seat staring as the city rushed by. I felt seventeen again and being rushed off to find out my mother was dead and my step-father might not live through the night.

Back at home, I put Avery into his pajamas and tucked him into bed, then went downstairs, opened the cabinet above the refrigerator and pulled out a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Sue came in and sat down at the island, watching wordlessly as I opened the cabinet and took out a glass tumbler and filled it. I took a swallow, shivering against the burn. I turned to Sue and held the bottle up. "Want some?" I asked.

She laughed bitterly and said, "Just a splash."

I pulled another tumbler out of the cabinet and poured two fingers worth of whiskey into the glass. I carried it over to her and set it down with an audible glass on marble screech.

I picked up my glass and took a long swallow. "What am I going to do when he's gone?" I sobbed.

Sue swallowed her whiskey and came to me, "Honey," she sighed.

"What mom? What am I going to do?"

Sue rubbed my back silently. She seemed just as lost as I was. "Go to bed," she said. "It'll all be okay in the morning."

I swallowed the last of the whiskey and left the kitchen, stumbling up the stairs and into my room. I shut the door behind me and stared at the bed. It seemed...wrong somehow, to sleep in that bed alone. I walked numbly towards it, but stopped at the edge and stared down at it.

No, I wouldn't sleep in this bed alone. I reached down and grabbed the comforter with my left hand and my pillow with the right. Quietly I trudged across the bedroom and stood in the doorway of the sitting room. The couch stood on the far wall, it called to me, its siren song to tempting to ignore. Wrapping the comforter around me like a protective cocoon I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes.

_I don't know if you exist god, but if you do I _need _you to listen to me. This is my husband whose life you are fucking with. I _need _this man, his _son _needs him too. Please, please, please, I don't know what I can do, or what I can say, but please don't take him away from me, from us. If you have one shred of love or care for this race that you've created you'll spare this one soul, that's all I'm asking. Just please, spare him. Please. If you do this one thing for me I swear I will never, for as long as I live ask for another thing. _

_Please god, please don't take my husband yet. _

_Please._

* * *

**Reviews are better than being able to make it through a chapter without bawling... ;)**

Why - Rascal Flatts


	27. The Chain

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

***this is it...the one we've been dreading...Jake is going with God (or whatever higher power you believe in)* So yeah..I totally understand if you don't/can't read it...I get it...but it's going to get better soon...I promise.  
**

**Bella**

They say there is always that moment where the world is silent and things are peaceful. They call it the calm before the storm. The winds die down, the rains diminish and the world bathed in light and things are never as they appear.

I wished I could have had some inkling, a premonitory fear that would have warned me "hey, devastating heart ache lies ahead." But nothing like that came. I guess it would have been too easy, too unfair to those who _don't _get a warning.

But no, this day started like every other day for the last year or so had. The first thing that happened was you opened you eyes, blinking against the blinding sunlight. Then that feeling, the one that squeezes your stomach, comes and you feel sick. Then panic clenches your heart and it's hard to breath. Then the memory rushes back, _Jake has cancer_, the tears come and you're left sitting with this icy sheen of sweat, tears and the most crippling sense of panic and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

And just like clockwork, the fear, the panic – all of it, came rushing back as I sat up, on the floor, and wondered where the hell I was and why I was on the floor. Disoriented, I looked toward the bed, searching for Jake – remembering the race to the hospital yesterday, his crumpled, lifeless form, pale and sickly on the stretcher.

Pushing myself to my feet, still dressed in yesterday's clothes, I ran for the bedroom door. _Stop, _my subconscious said softly. _Take a shower, breathe, eat something for God's sake, then go to the hospital._

I glanced from the door, to yesterdays clothes, to the shower_. Okay, _I decided._ Shower, cup of coffee, then the hospital._

Mornings like this, the ones where Jake had spent the night in the hospital, were the worst. You always woke up wondering if this would be the time…

_Stop it! _ I ordered myself and stepped into the shower. The water was scalding hot, the stinging spray beat against my skin, washing away the fear and the panic that coated my body like a fine jacket.

I scrubbed my hair and body, rinsed and jumped out, wrapping a towel around me and hurrying toward the closet. I slipped on the wet floor, fell and cried out as my knees collided with the tiled floor. It would have been too easy to lie there and cry. I pushed myself up, inspected my knee and, deeming it uninjured, hurried cautiously out of the bathroom.

In the closet I blindly grabbed a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, socks and pulled them all on in record time. I pulled on my cross trainers and jogged down the stairs. Sue and Avery's voices greeted me before I walked into the kitchen, that and the smell of perfectly golden pancakes and buttery syrup.

"Good morning," I mumbled as I walked into the kitchen.

"Morning Mommy!" Avery exclaimed.

"Morning Monster," I replied and reached into the cabinet for a coffee cup. I picked up the pot and poured some into my cup. Taking a swallow of the bitter black coffee I turned to Sue and said, "I'm gonna head to the hospital."

Sue nodded and Avery asked to come along. I felt my heart break into about fifty million pieces. "No, Monster, you're gonna have to stay here this time."

"But Mommy," his eyes filled with tears and I knew the tantrum was coming.

"Avery don't you want to stay with Nana?"

_Tantrum avoided_, I thought as his tears dried up immediately.

"Oh yeah," he said, turning to face Sue as if he forget she was here. "Nana we gotta make Daddy play doh statues. They're his favorite."

Sue promised that as soon as breakfast was over they would make a million play doh statues. I smiled and waved goodbye, taking the distraction to slip out the door.

I backed out of the drive way, the radio tuned to the local light rock station; a haunting song was playing, sparse piano and a breathy woman singing. It stabbed directly at my heart and I quickly turned it off.

I drove out of the neighborhood, and into the city hoping Jake was feeling better. It would be nice to be able to bring him home soon. Traffic was hell; forty five minutes later I was pulling into the hospital parking lot and circling the parking garage looking for a vacant space.

I found one and got out of the car. On the deck below me I heard a car start and a woman coughed. I mentally cursed myself for not putting on a jacket. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and marched toward the elevator. I stepped in and waited for the elevator to make its ascent to the third floor, hoping Jake hadn't been moved during the night. I leaned against the wall, a long metal bar digging into my back, and watched as the numbers indicating the floors light up.

On the third floor the doors opened and my heart leapt into my throat. Standing on the other side of the doors was Embry. He glanced up before stepping on the elevator; he looked just as surprised to see me as I him.

He jumped into the elevator and hit the button making the doors close before I had the chance to even form a thought. I shrank away from him, backing into the farthest corner of the elevator and wrapping my arms tightly against my chest.

I didn't have anything to say to him; honestly I had hoped he'd gone back to Tampa after he'd abruptly shown up at my house the other day. Guess not.

Embry leaned against the wall to the left of me and crossed his arms over his chest. He stared me down, and I returned his gaze evenly. I wasn't going to break, he was the one who jumped into the elevator, essentially kidnapping and holding me hostage. Okay well not really, but you get the picture.

The elevator jolted to a stop, the doors opening and the cold December air swirled into the carriage carrying the smell of gasoline and exhaust.

For the first time since getting in the elevator, Embry spoke. "You lied to me the other day," he said, a hard edge to his voice. The accusation rose to the surface of his oddly hazel eyes. I didn't say anything - there wasn't anything to say because he was right. I did lie. Instead, I clenched my arms tighter around me. Embry stared at me, waiting I suppose, for some sort of denial.

"You're not even going to deny it?" he spat as if reading my mind.

"Why bother?" I snarled, "Apparently you think you know the truth."

"God damn it Bella, I have a son and I didn't even know!" he roared.

I snapped my eyes to him amazed that I still had the ability to get pissed off so badly that I saw red. "I didn't know he was yours until a few months ago, you stupid asshole. You think I want this? I don't want him to be yours, I want him to be Jake's; you're not even supposed to be here. This is my pain and you have no god damn right to intrude, so just go back to wherever the hell you came from and leave us alone!"

"I plan on it," he snarled, "and I'll have my lawyers waiting."

"I don't care!" I ran my hands through my hair, "Have you lawyers waiting, just, please, just go back to Tampa or wherever you've been for the last five years. I don't need or want anything from you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go see my husband."

I stepped off the elevator and walked away, marching indignantly toward the second bank of elevators. I jabbed the button and crossed my arms over my chest, waiting.

To my left the doors opened slowly and I stepped on, jabbing the button marked by the bold black three. The doors slid shut slowly and the elevator rocketed toward the fourth floor.

I stepped out and walked toward Jake's room. I paused outside the door. The shades were drawn and the lights were out. My heart started racing, _oh my god I'm too late_, I thought. A nurse walked by and said, "You can go in sweetie, he had a rough night; he's probably just resting now."

My heart immediately slowed and I thanked her. I gently turned the knob and stepped into the dim room. The monitor across the room beeped softly, jagged lines rising and falling marked his heart rate. I crossed the room and leaned down, gently kissing his forehead.

Jakes eyelids fluttered and he opened them partially. "Hey babe," he croaked.

"Hi," I whispered and sat down on the edge of the bed, my fingers skimming his moist forehead. "How do you feel?"

Jake gave a slight shrug and said, "I've felt better."

"But you're going to be okay, though, right?"

"Of course, babe, I'll be fine."

I smiled and kissed his forehead again. "So...I saw Embry on my way up this morning," I said.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. He said he knows the truth. Guess you called him, huh?"

Jake shrugged weakly. "What was I supposed to do?" he wheezed.

"I know," I sighed. "I just wish it didn't have to be this way."

Jake took my hand in his. "Bella," he said solemnly.

"What babe?" I asked, my eyes searching his.

"I have to say something's and I need you to just listen, okay?"

I nodded, fear clenched my heart.

"I love you, more than anything in this world, but I have the feeling I won't be leaving this time-"

"Jake, don't say that," I protested.

He held up his hand, "Please just listen. I'm tired Bella, and it hurts. I pretend and smile through it, but its hurt for a while; I just didn't want you to see it. And I, I just don't know how much longer I can fight this. I don't want to give up, but I don't know that I have the strength to keep fighting. I want to sign a DNR."

We were both crying. I wanted to be selfish and beg him not to leave me; I wanted to make him promise he'd fight, not just for me, but for Avery as well. I wanted to tell him not to sign the DNR. But one look in his eyes and I didn't have the will to ask that of him, so I smiled and nodded instead. "I understand," I said.

"I love you, Bella, I want you to know that. I wish I had all the words, you know, like those schmucks in the movies."

I wiped the tears away and laughed. "I love that you don't," I said leaning down to kiss him.

A doctor came in and asked me if I wouldn't mind stepping out. I glanced down at Jake who nodded; his eyes closed, and said, "It's okay babe. Go get something to eat or a cup of coffee, I'll be here when you get back."

I smiled and kissed him, "I love you," I whispered into his ear.

"I love you more," he replied.

I picked up my purse and left the room, heading down to the cafeteria for some coffee. I walked through the partially crowded room, fingers massaging my temple as I went.

The coffee was lukewarm and bitter as the scorned starter wife. I paid the cafeteria cashier and carried my Styrofoam cup back to the elevators.

When the doors opened to the scene on the fourth floor it was something out of one of my nightmares. Alarms were beeping, a shrill shriek as I approached Jake's room. I dropped my coffee and in the second I was thankful it wasn't hot. I ran towards Jake's room. A very muscular male nurse, who in my panicked stated reminded me of Thor from Nurse Jackie, grabbed me.

"Don't go in there," he advised.

I kicked his shin and bite his wrist. He hissed and let me go. I scrambled to my feet and skidded into the room. The doctor from earlier, as well as two nurses were standing on either side of the bed calling orders out.

"What's going on? I asked, my voice a high pitched cry.

The doctor who'd come in earlier looked at me and said, "You're husband-"

"Save him," I screamed. "Why are you just standing there, do something, do something to save him!"

"Mrs. Black, he has a DNR," the doctor stated.

"I don't care," I screamed at him, "Save my husband!"

"I cannot," the strange doctor said, "he's already gone." He glanced at his watch and said, "Time of death, 11:33 am. Tanya, shut it down."

A petite nurse with red hair shut the shrieking machine off and the room went still with awkward silence. I pushed past them and stood beside the bed. I took Jakes hand in mine, squeezing it. "Jake, come on that's not funny," I said hysterically. "Jake come on. Wake up. God damn it wake up, don't leave me here alone."

I wanted to be dramatic and fall across the bed, sobbing and beating his chest like the merry widow. I couldn't move, I couldn't even think enough to move so I just stood there crying.

I don't know how long I stood there. A hospital administrator came; he was an older man, grandfatherly with his Mr. Rogers inspired cardigan and neatly combed hair.

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and guided me to his office on the first floor. He sat me down and smiled sadly, then offered me a cup of tea which I numbly refused.

He began going over what would happen next, funeral arrangements and things of that nature. I nodded mechanically, I had no idea how I was going to get home let alone burying my husband.

He handed me some papers and made sure I put them in my purse. I left his office, searching for my car. I walked the parking lot three times until I found it. When I got in, I sat behind the wheel, keys ignition and not a clue as to what came next.

God only knows how I got home. Sue must have gotten a call from the hospital for she met me in the garage. I walked past her, not seeing her or Duke or Avery. I went into the bathroom and threw up.

Sue came to the door and grabbed me as I walked out. "Your father and I will take care of everything," she whispered as she hugged me fiercely.

I nodded and walked away from her. I went into the living room and sat down on the sofa numbly staring at the walls. Five years of happy photographs smiled back at me. I felt my stomach heave and I threw up on the living room floor. Duke came running and ate the throw up which earned him a disgusted holler from Sue.

"I'm sorry," I said robotically.

Sue didn't say anything as she cleaned up the mess. "I have to tell Avery," I said.

"Not yet," Sue said.

"No, I have to tell him now while I still can."

Sue shook her head disapprovingly. "I'll go get him," she said picking up the paper towels and rags she used to clean the floor.

A few minutes later she came back with Avery in tow. I patted the seat next to me and said, "Avery, mommy has something bad to tell you."

Avery glanced at me, and said, "What mommy?"

I took a deep breath and said, "Avery, something bad happened to daddy. He was sick, that's why he had to go to the hospital, and well, daddy went to heaven earlier this morning."

"My daddy went to heaven?" He asked. I nodded and he said, "So he won't be coming home anymore?"

I nodded again. "I want my daddy!" he wailed.

I wrapped my arms around him and said, "I know you do buddy, I know you do. So do I."

Sue started sobbing, she wrapped her arms around the two of us, and the three of us shed tears for a man we loved and would never see again.

* * *

For four days I sat on the end of the couch staring at this miniscule spot on the wall. I stared at for so long I wasn't sure it even was a spot. I was pretty convinced it was something my mind made up to distract me from the reality of what was going on around me.

After the second day Avery seemed a little better. He stopped asking for Jake, but resorted to sucking his thumb. I would sit beside him on the couch while he watched Scooby Doo. I felt like a drone, a puppet just going through the motions.

Then again I didn't really care. My husband was dead and I felt...hollow almost. It kind of surprised me, the numbness. I wanted to scream and cry and curl up in a ball on the floor and die, and instead I just kind of was.

Sue stuck true to her word. She called Charlie and he dutifully came and the two of them put the announcement in the paper and then tracked down Becca and Rachel to let them know.

It was raining the morning of the funeral, a slight drizzle that was more annoying than anything, but in a way I was thankful. I think if the sun had been shining it would have broken me out of my walking coma and I wasn't sure I was ready to feel all this just yet. At the church, I sat in the front row staring past the framed photos of Jake, through the stained glass window that gave a picture perfect view of heaven's living room. I wondered if there was such a place as heaven, and if there was, was Jake there now?

Surely heaven had to exist and Jake had to be there; he was too good a person to go to hell. No, I was the one who would be sitting in that waiting room spouting about hell being other people, just like in _No Exit._

Charlie and Seth and four other men I didn't know went to the front of the church and carried Jake's casket out of the church. I watched them walk down the aisle feeling detached, as if that was someone else's husband, not mine, inside. From the church Charlie drove the six miles to the Jacksonville Memorial Cemetery where a blue tent had been set up to protect everyone from the rain.

I walked under a sea of black umbrellas and sat down on a row of folding chairs between Seth and Charlie. Sue held Avery in her lap and Leah sat beside Seth sobbing into a crumpled tissues. Across from me, Becca and Rachel sat, both clinging to one another sobbing hysterically.

I sat there listening as people Jake had known his former coaches and teachers spoke of him and shared funny stories about him. I just sat there. I stared at the silver coffin waiting for Jake to pop out and laugh at us for believing he was dead. Then I wondered if this was a dream. It had to be, twenty seven year olds just don't all of a sudden get cancer and die. I wanted someone to wake me up, this had to be a bad dream, it just had to be. This kind of thing only happens in those stupid ass daytime soap shows.

But it wasn't a dream and it did happen. I watched, without really seeing, as they lowered him into the ground, the thunk of dirt hitting the casket was all too familiar and I wondered who would rescue me from this cemetery. I glanced up, my gaze directly meeting Embry's. Why the hell was he here? He'd disowned the both of us five years ago; he didn't have the right to be here.

The casket was in the ground and people started to go. One by one I watched them leave. Charlie and Sue, followed by Seth and a weepy Leah, took Avery to the waiting car. Then it was just Embry and I. I glanced down into the dark brown earth and finally understood how Phil felt after my mom died. It took ten years for me to finally understand why and how he could kill himself, especially if he felt half as bad as I felt now.

That's when the tears came. It was as if the damn broke and the tears rushed forward. I wanted to scream and hit something, someone.

Embry approached me then, wrapping his arm around me. I pushed him away forcefully; he stumbled back and looked at me reprehensibly.

"No, I don't need you," I shouted."You shouldn't even be here. You didn't care about him - love him, the way I did. Go away, no one needs you." And with that I ran off into the rain. It was cold against my skin; the simple fact that I could feel it amazed me. I stopped in the middle of the cemetery, turning my face to the heavens swollen clouds, letting God's frozen tears wash away the cobwebs that clouded my mind these last few days.

Embry walked through the rain, squinting as the icy drops fell in his eyes. "I loved him too," he said. "He was my brother, my best friend. We may not have spoken in a while, but I will miss him."

"You know what Embry, I don't care," I said. "My husband is dead, I have a four year old who will never see his father again, and you want to stand here telling me you loved him? We both know that's a bold faced lie. Just...go away and leave me and Avery alone, okay. Like I told you at the hospital, I don't need anything - or want anything - from you."

I left him standing in the middle of the rain and walked back to the car. "Zee, are you nuts?" Seth exclaimed when I got in.

I glanced down at my dripping dress. "Oh yeah. I'm fine."

"No you're not, your soaking wet, you're gonna get sick." He shrugged out of his coat and wrapped it around me.

I snorted softly, thinking that was the least of my problems. The car started and drove back to our - my house. I didn't want to play hostess to a bunch of people who were just going to make me feel worse. I hid in my studio, not emerging until everyone had left.

Avery was in bed, asleep, Seth and Leah were cleaning up the kitchen when I stumbled in. I ignored them and went right for the whiskey. Neither of them said a word as I poured a healthy amount into a plastic cup.

"Got enough for me?" Seth asked.

I pushed the bottle toward him and he poured a shot for him and Leah. Seth picked up his glass and said, "To Jake." Leah echoed the sentiment and the two of them tossed their shots back. I took a long swallow and wondered how much more it was going to take until I was numb again.

Feeling something sucked; I wanted to be numb again.

A fat tear spilled out of Leah's left eye and she said, "oh hell, Seth, pour me another."

Seth picked up the bottle and refilled their shot glasses. I finished what was left in my cup and poured more into my cup. I was going to drink until there was either nothing left in the bottle or nothing left to feel.

"I feel like I lost what I love the most," I said.

Leah threw back her shot, then slammed the cup down on the marble counter top. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and said, "Jake?"

I shook my head no and said, "Us."

Leah sobbed and more tears escaped from her eyes. Seth rubbed my back, "It'll be okay," he said.

I shook my head and said, "No it won't."

That night, I finished the bottle of whiskey and sent Leah to buy me another. As a thank you token, I gave Leah my bed. It's not like I was going to be sleeping in it anytime soon. Hell not like I'd be sleeping at all. The couch in the living room was my refuge. I'd lay there each night waiting for something to come. My bedroom was no longer mine; I couldn't sleep in there anymore. Hell I couldn't even go in there anymore, nor did I want to. Leah came back and set the bottle down. I took it, then I sat up all night, looking at pictures and drinking.

The numbness didn't return. I ignored everyone else, acting like they didn't even exist, and they let me be. Three days after the funeral I asked Sue if she and Charlie could take Avery and go back to Forks. I needed time, I needed to be a drunken mess, and I couldn't let Avery see me that way. She agreed and packed up their things and the three of them flew back to Forks.

Then I was alone.

I walked around the house in a sweat crusted tee shirt and a pair of Jakes boxer shorts. I avoided the bedroom and his office and I covered all the mirrors with bed sheets, the pictures too.

I became best friends with Jack Daniel and the downstairs toilet. I became Phil and I wondered how much time would pass until I killed myself as well.

* * *

Reviews are....appreciated...

The Chain - Ingrid Michaelson


	28. Need You Now

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

I have to say I commend you guys..(those of you who still read & review) for sticking it out with me through thick and thin..I think it says a lot about you…and I know it's been depressing, and at times hard to read, but we've made it through the hardest part and things are gonna be on the up and up again…Part of me wishes Jake didn't have to die, hell, all of me wishes he didn't, but I think you have to do something at least once in your life that is trying...these might be Ms. Myers characters (and to me, really, they're just names, they feel more like my characters than the characters from the book and I feel like they are a part of me, so it was trying to write)…I will tell you this though, never freaking again…lol…I am never doing that/going there again. So to those who still read and review, thank you.

* * *

**Part Three**

_"It's nothing but time and a face that you lose...I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose...Live through this, and you won't look back..."_

You love through so much, live through so much - pain, heartache, despair, love, hate - and people always tell you that if it doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger or that God wouldn't have given it to you if he didn't think you could handle it.

They are all wrong.

God was a cruel kid with an ant farm and a magnifying glass.

This _won't_ make me stronger.

I _can't_ handle this.

I _don't want_ to.

I wanted my life, the way it was, back. I wanted this never ending pain to go away. I wanted to feel something, anything other than the ache that was my heart was being violently ripped out of my chest.

I wanted to set this house on fire and watch it, and all the happy memories that I'd never get back, burn.

I wanted to burn with it.

I wasn't religious, but that prayer about the footsteps in the sand came back to me suddenly and I wondered who would carry me now.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Eight**

**Bella**

There was this line in Sylvia Plath's _The Bell Jar_, about silence. She wrote: the silence depressed me. It wasn't the silence of silence. It was my own silence.

For years, I would read that one line, my fingers skimming over the musty pages of the second chapter and I would wonder what in the hell the women meant by that; what did she mean the silence depressed her, and not the _silence_ _of silence_, but _her own_ silence. I could never figure out how a person could have silence.

Until now.

Now, I fully understood what Plath meant by the silence being depressing, and not the silence of silence, but my own silence. She meant the sudden silence of all the noises that made up the soundtrack to your life and how, when suddenly quieted, it could be depressing.

My house was usually so full of noise; Duke barking or the television playing cartoons or football, the radio, Avery and Jake laughing and playing. So many noises, all the time. They invaded my head and drove me nuts ninety nine percent of the time. Now I'd give anything to have that cacophony of noise back.

After the funeral, Sue and Charlie took Avery back to Forks, Leah went back to Spain - or was it France now? - and Seth went back to school and I was, once again, alone.

I moved through the empty rooms like a ghost, stopping to turn a photo face down, or pick up a Packers sweatshirt off the back of Jake's computer chair, raising the heavy material to my face and breathing in the lingering smell of him that still clung to the shirt's fibers.

Some days, I would sit in the kitchen waiting for him to come home, staring anxiously at the garage door, breathlessly waiting for the tell-tale rumble. Four o'clock would come and slowly pass and my hopes were dashed each and every time.

Another man entered my life; Jack Daniels that is, became my close friend and confidant. At first, the bitter burn of the whiskey would make me gag as I pressed my chapped and swollen lips to the glass lip of the bottle, but eventually it got better and soon the whiskey was like water. I could drink it and not feel the burn; then again remaining in a steady alcohol induced haze might have had something to do with that.

In my rare moments of clarity, I would travel just outside my idyllic suburban neighborhood to the liquor store around the corner to stock up.

Days melted together, one day becoming the next and the next becoming four days later. I didn't know if one week or one year passed since Jake died.

I woke up one night completely convinced I heard keys in the garage door. I vaulted off the couch and stumbled into the kitchen staring expectantly at the back door.

The door knob didn't jiggle, the door didn't open. Slowly, with my arm outstretched, I clenched the knob and wrenched it open, looking around.

Both cars were sitting in the garage, aside from that it was empty. The perpetual tears that seemed to always be leaking out of my eyes streamed down my face as I shut and locked the door; that was the night I sat in my studio and printed out every photo I had on my computer. It took six hours and seven printer cartridges, but when the printer finally spit out the last of the pictures, what I thought was a good idea suddenly seemed kind of stupid.

Sighing, I carried them back to the living room and sat on the floor, my back to the couch. I flipped through the first few, the images seemed to come alive in my hands. They were pictures of Jake and Avery on the beach, laughing as they dug a huge hole to China.

In the photos, Jake's shoulders heaved up and down as he laughed, his eyes crinkled in the way they always did when something made him happy. I dropped the pictures and slumped over, grabbing a throw pillow and hugging it to my chest.

I spent the night, or was it morning, with my back against the couch and a pillow curled against my chest. I wanted to die, prayed that I would. But, alas, I awoke several hours later, thirsty as a starving camel and in so much pain it hurt to even blink.

My new friend Jack brought me comfort and took away the pain and blinding thirst. I sat up and picked up my stack of pictures, deciding now was as good a time as any to continue my journey. I looked at each picture, inspecting it thoroughly before moving on to the next.

I would carry the pictures with me as I made my rounds, circuiting the rooms on the first floor. I would drop the pictures as I walked and soon I was surrounded by five years worth of photographs and memories. A photographic trail documenting every happy moment in my life; I wish someone would have photographed the sad moments, then maybe I wouldn't feel so damn miserable right now. It would be proof that those moments existed and that somehow I always managed to get over it; it would serve as proof that this too, I would get over.

But when I thought about it, getting over it, part of me didn't want to, part of me wanted to be miserable and spend the rest of my life sleeping on the couch because I couldn't go in my bedroom.

In the myriad of days that past since Jake's death I had yet to set foot in my room. That was the one place where we were one, not Jake and Bella, but us. Now that I had lost the us how could I go in there?

I walked by the door once. There was a noise upstairs and it scared me. I thought, foolishly so, that it was Jake, and quickly rushed up the stairs. The door was open, I tried to walk by with my eyes averted but it called to me, like gravity and I stopped, my eyes taking in the rumpled comforter and the soft baby blue curtains.

Smoky images, visions of scenes past, rose up from the dust and Jake appeared, his arm tucked behind his head, the chocolaty brown sheets tucked around his waist.

I gasped and jumped back, clutching my chest. It felt like someone just put their fist right through me and ripped my heart out.

I glanced back, not sure if I was drunker than I thought or maybe dreaming. Jake was lying there still; a sexy grin on his face, the light slanted across his perfect chest, the rays of sun catching the soft brown of his sparse chest hair, the sterling silver cornicello charm he wore sparkled in the early morning light.

I blinked, rubbing my eyes. When I opened them he was gone. I heard the water in the bathroom running. I took a step toward the bathroom then stopped abruptly as, what sounded like _Your Guardian Angel_ echoed off the bathroom walls. Jake's voice rose about the music as he sang, "I'll be there for you through it all even if saving you sends me to heaven, it's okay."

I took a step back and pulled my hands through my hair, covering my ears_. It's not real, it's not real_, I chanted to myself, then _I don't care if it's not real, I need to see him._ I rushed into the bathroom only be find it empty.

The sound of giggling tugged at my ears. I whipped around. "Avery?" I said and rushed downstairs toward the kitchen. Jake's voice, and his phony Italian accent rose above Peter Cetera and the tell tale horns of Chicago. I smelled fettuccini alfredo, the zest herbs drifted in the air as Jake sang, "being without you takes a lot of getting used to, should learn to live with it, but I don't want to. Living without you, it's all a big mistake, Instead of getting easier; it's the hardest thing to take."

I grabbed my chest, tugging at my tee shirt, these songs, these memories, dear God how was I supposed to handle this. I screamed a shrill, bloodcurdling scream. It didn't help.

After that, I didn't go back upstairs, didn't go in my room, didn't do anything but look at pictures and drink like prohibition take two was right around the corner.

I cried so much, my tears had formed a small circular discoloration on the carpet. It was a small spot, barely there. Hell, I was so damn drunk it might not have been there at all.

Tonight, I laid on the floor, the radios in the kitchen and family room were on, each one playing a different song, the television as well was turned on, re-runs of The Jetson's were on at the moment, and the noise was maddening. It did little to chase away my own personal silence.

While I laid there I prayed to a god that didn't exist. I prayed for death, or numbness; whichever would come first, and quicker, right now I didn't really care. I couldn't live like this. Who was I trying to kid? I couldn't live at all without Jake.

I reached out, fingers moving over the carpet, slowly searching until they felt the glassine bottle of whiskey. It was cool and heavy under my weak fingers. I wanted - no needed - it, but I didn't have the strength or the will to even try.

In the kitchen, the phone rang. It startled me and I gasped. The phone rang again, then three more times. There was a click and suddenly Jake's voice floated out of the old school answering machine.

"Hey you've reached Jake and Bella and a little monster named Avery. We aren't home at the moment, but if you leave us an interesting enough message at the beep we'll seriously think about calling you back."

The icy fist ripped my heart out once again as the machine beeped. A female voice poured out. I didn't know who it was but I hated her for calling and making me live through that. The phone rang again, my heart clutched as Jake's voiced filled the room once more.

I had a flash of Hillary Swank in _P.S. I Love You_ lying in bed and dialing Gerry's cell phone just to hear his voice one more time. Either her character was a masochist or she possessed some secret talent someone had forgotten to tell me about.

The answering machine clicked off, and for the third time in five minutes, Jake's voice poured out. Blood pounded in my ears as depression rapidly turned to simmering anger. Before I knew it, I was heaving myself off the floor and storming into the kitchen, hell bent on murdering the asshole who kept calling or the phone. Which I had yet to decide.

I yanked the phone off the base and screamed, "What?"

"I - uh, um, I'm sorry, is Jake there?" a nervous male voice asked.

"He's dead," I snarled, "Now stop fucking calling me!"

The man gasped audible and quickly apologized.

I looked down at the phone in my hand, then hurled it across the kitchen. It hit the far wall, leaving a fair sized dent before clattering to the floor, its pieces flying everywhere.

My chest heaved in angry satisfaction, but the beast within wanted, no craved, more destruction. I turned my rage to the answering machine still tethered to the wall. An inhuman howl escaped my chapped lips and I tore the cord from the wall and hurled the answering machine across the kitchen.

It left a bigger dent in the wall and broke into more pieces than the phone. I inhaled a ragged breath and surveyed the destruction. The room swayed, the floor dipped up to meet me as my knees buckled and I collapsed, drained.

Beside my head was a photo I'd taken of Jake. He was pale and bald, sick from cancer and chemo, but a happy smile was pasted on his face. Avery was sitting in his lap, putting something into his shirt pocket.

I remember this picture, when I asked Avery what he was putting in Jake's pocket, he said, "kisses."

The memory brought tears to my eyes and I reached for the photo, clutching it to my chest as sobs wracked my body.

Duke, aroused by the chaos, trotted cautiously into the kitchen. He sniffed at the mess and decided it was less important than his sobbing master crying on the floor.

His toe nails clicked on the floor as he walked toward me. His wet nose prodded my ear and a slobbery tongue lapped at the tears. I sat up and wrapped my arms around the dog's furry neck.

Duke sat calmly before me, a port in the storm, and I was grateful for that age old doggy wisdom that accredited them as woman's best friend.

The noise of the radio and television, my own personal silence bear down on my ears, buzzing and shrieking. Out of all the noises, all the silences – the loudest one was the empty space where Jake used to be.

I felt my heart breaking again. How it could break anymore I didn't know. It was in pieces as it was; I guess my pieces had pieces now as well.

That thought saddened me more than anything. I tipped my head back and let loose and inhuman howl; grief herself, personified. I cried myself hoarse, then collapsed onto the kitchen floor.

Duke never left my side. He lay there, whimpering along with me as I cried. How long we laid there, dog and human, I don't know. Eventually my tears dried up, my body too dehydrated to produce more, and the sobs quieted.

I reached out for Jake, but found more pictures instead. I pulled it toward me and forced myself to look at it, tearless sobs wracking my body. It was a happy picture, a pre-cancer picture.

Jake, Charlie and Avery's smiling faces stared back at me, the azure sky punctuated by fat white clouds. Charlie had his arm around Jake, who was holding Avery, the three of them smiling mischievously. They all looked like they were up to no good. It was one of my favorite pictures.

My throat closed as I pressed the picture to my chest. "Jake," I croaked before the dry sobs took my words.

Jake was my everything, my whole world and now I was alone, so utterly alone. How was I supposed to do this? I could barely breathe, barely remember, scratch that, could barely find the will to even shower. How was I supposed to do the millions of other things I would have to do on a daily basis to survive?

Maybe I could just lay here, just lay here and forget the world outside, just let it go on without me. Charlie and Sue could take care of Avery. He would be okay with them.

_No_, a glimmer of my former self argued, _remember how you felt after your mom and Phil died and you were shipped off to live with Charlie and Sue. Are you really going to force that fate upon your son? _

_No, _I wanted to sob_, but I don't know any other way._

_Where there's a will, there's a way_, the old me said. _You just have to find it._

I closed my eyes and wondered where the hell you found the will to live when all you loved was lost. How do you pick up the pieces and carry on?

_Well first, take care of that thing that's digging into your leg_, the old me said.

My mind registered the discomfort, but really didn't. I walked around in a perpetual state of discomfort. But unlike my other discomfort, my other pain, this was one I could do something about.

I shifted my weight off my left leg, wondering what the hell was causing me pain. My fingers travelled along my side, sliding until they moved over the bulge in my pocket. It seemed like no matter what I did, I couldn't get away from technology and yet that same annoyingly persistent technology couldn't save my husband's life.

I pulled the phone out of my pocket and stared at it, wondering how it even got in my pocket to begin with.I set it down on the floor in front of me. Who could I call? Who could help me?

There was one person who would come. All I had to do was wave the technological white flag, all I had to do was dial the number and he would come. I could do that, couldn't I?

As if moving under their own accord, my fingers picked up the phone and opened it, finding the number - another anomaly, I had no clue how his number got in there. Hell I had no idea it was even there. But it was, Jake, I figured, who had put it in there for an occasion such as this.

I didn't let myself think as I pressed the send button, I couldn't allow myself the chance to second guess this decision. My hand shook as I pressed the phone to my ear.

"I know I said I didn't want anything from you," I sobbed, "But I think I need you now." My voice hitched on the last word, knuckles white as I clutched the phone tightly. Nerves rioted in my stomach as I waited for his reply.

"I'm coming," he said. There was no hesitation, no anger, only worry. He asked no questions other than where I was and if he could reach me at this number. I heard him repeat it, the steady scratch of a pen on paper.

"I'll be there as soon as I can." And with that he was gone. The phone dropped from my fingers, clattering against the floor. I left it and went back to the living room where the blessed bottle of whiskey was waiting. I unscrewed the cap and took a long greedy swallow, draining the bottle.

Exhaustion washed over me as I set the empty bottle down on the floor beside me. I grabbed a handful of pictures, pressing them to my chest, I shut my eyes and let the darkness wash over me.

* * *

Through the haze of liquor, depression, and exhaustion I saw a light. It was a bright circular light, yellowish orange and secretly comforting. I moved toward the light, someone there called my name.

The voice was familiar, like coming home after being away for a really long time. The light was warm, I was just outside of it; the voice called my name again. My eye lids fluttered, I opened them, blinking against the light. My heart leapt into my throat as my sleep encrusted eyes travelled over the shadowy figure in front of me.

"Jake!" I called out excitedly.

Then my vision came into focus and a face that did not belong to Jake was staring back at me.

"I've been called worse," the voice said.

Tears filled my eyes, the face becoming distorted. Arms wrapped around me; familiar in the I've-felt-this-in-the-past-but-these-are-not-the-arms-I-really-want kind of way. The familiar yet different arms pulled me close to a cotton covered chest. I grabbed two handfuls of t-shirt and sobbed into it.

"It's okay Bella," Embry soothed. He ran a hand over my matted and greasy hair, repeating his mantra over and over again.

I sobbed harder because everyone said it was going to be okay, but it wasn't. Hell it probably wouldn't ever be okay again. Embry picked me up and sat down on the couch, cradling me in his lap. His arms banded around me, swaddling me against his chest like an upset newborn baby.

I sobbed and then sucked in a ragged breath, the scent of his cologne invaded my head, so different from what I was used to. His was more expensive, more...unnatural than Jake's smell had been. Jake smelled like a thunderstorm and home, Embry smelled like an Abercrombie and Fitch model. It wasn't bad, it was just...different.

He tightened his arms around me, my sobs quieted, replaced by an occasional hiccup. My eyelids drooped. I fought against the tide of sleep, not wanting to return to that place of happiness and light, but the tide was strong and, like the undertow, the more I fought it, the harder it pulled - and won.

* * *

I felt like I was lying on a cloud. It was soft and fluffy, my body was sinking into the material beneath me and this time, as I surfaced towards consciousness, there was no warming light, no tender voice calling my name.

I stifled a yawn and slowly opened my eyes. The rich mocha and smoky blue comforter greeted my vision. Fearful, I looked around and gasped. I was lying in the middle of my bed, in my room. Thankfully, no half-naked Jake lay beside me. I crab crawled backwards out of bed, falling. I smacked my head. It pounded painfully as I lay there staring up at the crown molding designs on the ceiling. Heavy footsteps thundered across the polished wood floor.

"Bella?" Embry's face came into view from just behind me. He looked down at me, his slightly curly brown hair falling into his face.

I stared back at him, confused. Was it all a dream? I wondered. Did I marry Embry, not Jake?

"What's going on?" I asked.

"How hard did you hit your head?" he replied.

I automatically reached up and rubbed the back of my head, a small goose egg had already risen and it was tender to the touch.

"Jake?" I said, looking around.

_Tell me it was a dream_, I silently begged. Look at me and tell me I was dreaming, that you're my husband and that Jake is alive and healthy. Tell me anything besides the truth.

Embry's eyes changed. They softened sadly and I knew instinctively it wasn't a dream. Damn it, when the hell would that stop happening? When would my broken mind accept the fact that he was really gone?

"Why am I in here?" I asked.

Embry looked around confused. "This is your room right?"

I looked around, waiting for Jake to pop up. Waiting for him to come out of the bathroom with one of the mint green towels wrapped around his waist.

"You needed to sleep, I brought you in here. I thought, I mean, I thought this would be the best place for you to sleep."

"No," I said scrambling to my feet. "I can't sleep in here."

I bolted out of the room and went down to the living room. I sought refuge on the couch, curling up into a ball in the far end, tucking myself neatly into the corner.

Embry's footsteps echoed down the stairs. The silence was back. I noticed the radios and television were off. I guess he did that. Embry's tall frame filled the living room arch. He sighed when he saw me and crossed the room, sitting on the opposite end of the couch.

"I can't sleep in my room," I whispered.

"Why not?"

"I just...I just can't." If I told him the truth, that Jake's memory haunted me in there, he'd probably think I was nuts and have me committed.

"Bella," he said softly. "You're going to have to sleep in there eventually. You can't sleep on the couch for the rest of your life."

I snorted softly. "Oh yeah? Just watch me."

Embry sighed. "I'm not going to fight with you."

I didn't say anything. I wrapped my arms around my knees and pulled them tighter to my chest, finally able to breathe. I exhaled and felt my head clear, the blinding dizziness rushed away and I felt like I was floating. It felt nice and empty.

Embry stood; he turned and looked down at me. I gazed back at him and in that split second I wished I could go back and take it all away, travel back in time and warn my former self of the misery and heartache that lay ahead. I wondered if I'd do it differently if I had the chance.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, his eyebrows knitted together, his eyes puzzled.

"The past," I said softly.

"What about it?" The puzzlement left, a hard edge tightened the corners of his eyes.

"It's not important," I whispered.

"No, I want to know," he pressed.

I took a deep breath and said, "I wished I could go back to when it was me and you and movies and songs. I wish I could back to high school, when things were easy, when you wrote me songs and I'd lie on your bed and ponder the meaning of the man with the red umbrella."

Embry sighed. "Wouldn't that be nice," he murmured.

"It would. We wouldn't be here right now."

"Or maybe we would," he shrugged.

"Maybe," I concurred.

There was a moment of silence, the air changed; it crackled with anticipatory static as if something was supposed to happen. We stared at each other for a second, the Embry cleared his throat and the moment passed.

"When's the last time you ate?" he asked.

I released my legs and slowly sat up, thinking back to when I last ate. Finally I shrugged. "I don't know," I admitted. "Food hasn't exactly been at the forefront of my mind."

"You need to eat," he commanded, then, "And you need to stop drinking. There are no answers - or acceptance - at the bottom of that whiskey bottle. Trust me. I know."

"I don't want answers. Or acceptance. I want to stop feeling. I want to be numb again. I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember Jake, don't want to remember he even existed. I drink so I can forget. I don't want to ever feel like this again." My voice cracked on the last part and those god damn tears made a return appearance. I viciously wiped them away and wiped my nose with the sleeve of my shirt. "I can't do this," I sobbed.

"Can't do what Bella?"

"Live," I whispered. "I can't keep living without Jake. How do I keep living now that he's gone?"

"You find a new reason to live. I think Avery's a pretty good reason to keep going. Where is he?"

"Forks," I said. "I couldn't let him see me like this."

"Bella," Embry said, crossing back towards the sofa he knelt in front of it, took my hand in his. "Why am I here?"

"I didn't know who else to call," I admitted. "And after what you said in the cemetery, I just, well, I thought maybe you could help me. You were always the one to help me before...I just...thought..."

"That I'd come rushing to your rescue." He stated it and I saw the tiny flecks of hurt in his eyes.

I shook my head, no then yes, then no again. "I'm sorry," I said. "You should probably go."

"No," he said firmly. "You asked for my help...so, here I am."

"Thank you," I said squeezing his hand.

"Don't thank me yet. You're gonna have to stop drinking; you're gonnna have to remember. If you lock it all away you'll end up like me; bitter as hell. You need to feel this or else your never gonna get over it. It'll be that one thing you carry with you everywhere you go. And after carrying it so long it's gonna get to heavy for you to carry and you're going to break. It'll never get easier, if you don't fight through the pain, it'll get harder and you owe Avery more than that. You have to get better for him, remember how you felt after you moved to Forks? Remember how you lost and mad and confused you were? Do you want Avery going through that?"

I shook my head no. "Of course not, but Jesus Embry, this is so hard and it hurts so bad."

He ran a thumb over the back of my hand. "I know it does, and I wish I could make it go away, but I can't." Embry cupped my face in the palms of his hands. "Whatever I can do to help, all you have to do is ask."

He stood and walked away. I stared after him as he went into the kitchen. A few seconds later the radio turned on and Embry started singing along. His rich, baritone voice floated into the living room, tugging at my heart strings.

I hated this song for so many years. It was like being punched in the stomach. So many songs were like being punched in the stomach, mostly because they reminded me of Embry. Just like this one.

The living room blurred, it melted into a scene from so long ago - a bar, a local band that made it big with their first hit then landed in rehab before the release of their second, a boy and a girl, so young and naïve that they thought everything was going to work out perfectly for them no matter what.

In the kitchen Embry stopped singing; in the living room the boy stopped singing. I watched as he grabbed the girl, a girl I no longer recognized, and turned her so she was facing him. Embry looked down at the girl.

He smiled at her, the love in his eyes was apparent, she smiled back at him. "This is how I feel about you Bella," the boy said, "Everything he says in this song is everything I feel about you. I would be the one to carry you when you felt like you couldn't go on, I'd be anything you wanted me to be, as long as it meant being able to be there for you. I'll always be there for you, no matter what. If you ever need me all you have to do is call and I'll be there."

I wanted to die all over again. I wanted to go back and change the past. I started to cry all over again. Embry rushed back into the living room. "Bella what's wrong?" He pulled me toward him. "I'm so sorry," I cried into his chest.

"Bella," he soothed.

"No, I'm such a bad person. Look what I put you through, look what I did to you, and now you're here."

"It's the past," he said. "It's done and over with and it can't be changed, so move forward. Just keep moving forward."

* * *

Embry was a blessing disguised as a football player. He stayed with me, he made me stop drinking and start eating. The day after he showed up he took me into the kitchen and made me sit at the island.

"You need to eat," he said. "What do you want?"

"I'm not hungry," I said automatically.

"Bella," he said and looked at me, "You need to eat. Your too damn skinny, and not in a good way."

"I'm not hungry," I said again.

Embry scowled at me. "Damn it woman, you're gonna eat even if I have to shove it down your throat."

He made me scrambled eggs and toast, the smell of which made me want to throw up, especially when he set the plate down in front of me. "Eat," he commanded.

The steam that rose off the plate, the buttery toast, it all made me want to be sick. I stared at the plate.

"Eat it," Embry ordered.

I picked up the toast and nibbled at the crust. I'd eaten the corner and set the slice of toast down and looked at him expectantly. "Happy?"

"Bella, you barely at anything. Eat the damn toast."

I gave in then spent the morning throwing it up. Embry sat outside the bathroom frowning every time I opened the door.

"I'm sorry," I said.

He shrugged and stood up. "It'll get better. Just takes time."

"Time is relative," I murmured. "Everybody always thinks they have time. Time is a tricky son of a bitch."

"Tell me about it," Embry muttered.

Time is a thief, a masked bandit that sneaks in whilst you sleep; and you never, ever, have enough time.

* * *

**Reviews are better than Embry to the rescue...**

Real quick..I know you're probably slightly confused with embry's random mood swings...there is a reason for that, it might not be the best explanation in the world but after four hours of googling and chatting with my psychologist cousin its what he said would be the best explanation...you'll find that out next chapter. Also...I have never lost my husband..or experienced anything that difficult..yes I lost my friend, but at then end of the day he was just a friend so I wasn't really sure how to write her grief and pain and her experience down this dark path...so yes, Bella's behavior may be slightly dramatic or over-rated but in this situation, but at the end of the day this is how I saw her reacting...so..until next time ;)

_Your Ex-Lover is Dead - _Stars

_Need You Now - _Lady Antebellum

SylviaPlath quote taken from Chapter Two of _The Bell Jar  
_


	29. Carry Me Through

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**We're rounding the corner now...starting to pick up the pieces and get on with life...I think my main reasoning for her not being in the room when he died was well, he wanted to go..if it was me, there'd be no way I could have let him go..but anywhoo..I'm going to post three chapters today because I am going out of town tomorrow and I have no idea if I'll be able to update while I am away...(that and it's probably just best if start moving on to the happier side of this fic..lol)  
**

**Embry**

When I let myself into the two story house that belonged to my former best friend and ex-girlfriend the love and happiness, or at least the past echoes of it, washed over me. The first thing you saw when you walked in the front door was a long, rectangular painting - I recognized the work as Bella's - declaring that to love wholly all you had to do was believe. I wondered if that was true, wondered what you had to believe in. Was it the love or was it just the blind faith that guides lovers?

Look at me. All these years, all this time I spent loving and loathing this woman and I'd come running the second she beckoned. I was her bitch and it made me feel weak and important all at the same time.

She was lying on the floor when I came in. Pictures littered the floor, the house - well maybe it was Bella- stunk to high heaven.

I looked down at her, and wished that I could take this all away. Even if I spent the last few years in this weird state of exile I didn't want her to go through it. When you spend so much time loving someone it causes you physical pain to see them hurting.

When she called, I'll admit, I was surprised. She was pretty pissed off in the cemetery, but I promised Jake I'd do what I could for her if she asked.

I still found it hard to believe he was gone. He'd called me the night before he died and asked me to come to the hospital in the morning. I agreed and went to see him.

He was pale, his breath shallow when I pushed open his hospital room door that morning. He smiled weakly when he saw me.

"Thanks for coming," he wheezed.

"Sure man," I replied sinking down into a chair beside the bed.

"Look," Jake said softly. "I know things back in college-"

I waved him off. He didn't need to do this. He was dying for Christ's sake.

"No listen," Jake said forcefully.

"That night, the one between Bella and I, it only happened that one time and the whole time I think she thought I was you. I know it's a lame excuse, but she was drunk and pissed at you and I, well, I let my emotions get the better of me. I never meant for it to happen, I admit I wanted her, I wanted to be there for her and I saw how she was hurting, I just figured you didn't care and look what happened. I'm not saying it's your fault, but it is what it is and I'm sorry."

"I knew she was hurting -that I was hurting her. I was selfish. I wanted it all, I wanted the band and I wanted the football and I wanted Bella, and my priorities were fucked up, hell they still are. I'm so god damn cocky and I expect things that I have no right to expect. I got what I deserved."

"Avery," Jake said.

"Is he really my son?" I asked.

Jake snorted softly and said, "Embry, look at me? What reason do I have to lie? Bella's not going to need money for him, she still has a lot left over from her parents, and there'll be the life insurance. What point would lying prove?"

"So he is my son," I stated.

Jake nodded. "Yes. We found out when we had his D.N.A. tested. The doctors recommended having him tested for genetic markers, to see if he would get sick like me, and the doctor called Bella in to tell her the test results were inconclusive because his and my D.N.A wasn't the same."

"I don't understand how he's my son though. I mean, you guys were together when she got pregnant."

"We were, but you two must have slept together right before we did. Avery was born in late June; the doctors said he wasn't supposed to be due until July, almost August. She got pregnant in October, not November like she thought."

"So she was pregnant when you guys slept together?" I asked.

Jake nodded. "Yeah. But I mean I'm sure you could get a paternity test done if you weren't sure."

"Yeah, Bella would love that," I snorted.

"He's your son Em, trust me."

I nodded. "I know it's just a big pill to swallow, to know I had a son and didn't even know he existed."

"Yeah, well, put the shoe on the other foot and imagine how it feels to know the son you thought was yours wasn't."

"Yeah, but he'll remember you being his father. Your legacy carries on," I told him.

Jake smiled ruefully, "That's one way of looking at it."

I nodded and we were quiet for a minute. Finally Jake spoke. "Will you do something for me?" he asked.

I nodded, not thinking it would be a big deal.

"Take care of her. She's going to need you. You and I both know she won't admit it, but she will. Bella won't handle this well. I put your number in her cell phone; the spare key is in the plastic frog by the front door. If she calls you and asks you for help, promise me you'll help her."

"I promise," I said.

"Thank you," Jake said and closed his eyes.

I stood and put my hand on Jakes shoulder. I knew this would be the last time I saw him. "Tell my mom I said I miss her," I said softly.

"Will do," Jake mumbled.

My mom had passed away last month, her body finally admitting defeat to the diabetes. I missed her, but she was in a better place now. Far away from pain and abusive husbands, I hoped she was finally happy.

I regretted what I said to her in the elevator. In the time since Jake died I considered seeing a therapist, the weight of my anger too great to carry anymore, but decided against it. Well, after the first session. The therapist I saw declared I had something called Intermittent Explosive Disorder, which is where you get pissed off over the littlest things and wind up blowing it all out of proportion and occasionally destroy things because it makes you feel better. She said it's a deep rooted disorder stemming from childhood, especially the kind of house I grew up in. I didn't necessarily buy her bull shit, but if what she said was true it sure as hell explained a whole lot.

Now here I was, armed with all this new knowledge that I had no idea what to do with. After I put Bella in her bed upstairs, I picked up the pictures that seemed to be scattered all over the house. As I stacked them I looked at each one. As the stack grew, the boy in the pictures aged. The closer I got to the present the more I noticed his features. It was looking into the past. There was no denying it. He was my son.

I put the pictures in the living room, took out the trash, fed the large, hairy dog that stared at me warily from the family room until he heard the kibble filling his large, metal dish. As he trotted toward me I glanced at his silver bone shaped i.d. tag.

"Hi Duke," I said rubbing his ears. "Are you Duke as in the Duke of Earl or Duke from G.I. Joe?"

The dog ignored me as he gobbled up the kibble in the bowl. I cleaned up the kitchen, dumped the three bottles of whiskey I found on the counter, down the drain. When I finished I went back up to check on her. She was still asleep, so I sat down in a chair opposite the bed and watched her sleep.

And that's how we got here. Bella looked down at me, a light sheen of sweat on her forehead. "When's this gonna stop?" she wheezed.

I shrugged. "I don't know. How long have you been drinking yourself to sleep for?"

She leaned against the wall and ran her hands through her hair. She glanced at me, her eyes blood shot, and shrugged. "Since Jake...well you know."

"Then its gonna take time," I told her.

"Embry, I don't even know what month it is."

"It's the middle of February," I said softly.

"It's been that long?" she asked incredulously.

"Yeah Bella," I said nodding. "It's been almost two months."

"Wow," she said, amazed.

I felt bad for her, lying on her living room floor not knowing what day or month it was. "Is there anything you want to do today?" I asked.

Bella shook her head no and just looked around, confusion in her eyes. "How did I get here?" she whispered.

She was full of questions like that, questions I didn't have the answers to. Why did this happen to me, how did I get here, why did god take my husband, when would it stop hurting? She was like a child in a way, always why, why, why. I kept hoping she'd stop. I hated being so damn helpless.

Bella got up then. "I wanna be alone for a little while."

"Okay," I said. "I'm gonna go to the grocery store and pick up some stuff. Will you be okay?"

Bella nodded, looking around. She looked like a deer caught in the head lights of an oncoming car. "Are you sure?"

She nodded again and said, "Go, I'll be fine."

I grabbed my car keys and cell phone, then exited the house through the garage. I got behind the wheel of my car and headed out of the sub-division. I hoped she'd be okay for a little while. I hadn't left her alone before and I hoped id poured all the alcohol out. I turned onto the main street and headed toward the shopping center I passed on my way here. In the center console, my cell phone chirped. I picked it up and said, "hello?"

"Embry," a hearty voice replied.

"Hey Glen, how's it going?" Glen Hansen, head defensive coach of my team, and semi-close personal friend, had graciously given me some time off to come up here and take care of Bella. I promised I'd call him as soon as I had the situation under control.

"It's going. Don't know if you heard but we're losing Taylor. He's going to Atlanta and we're gonna have to bring in a rookie quarterback for next season."

I hadn't heard. "Sorry Glen."

"It's okay kid. How's it in Jacksonville?"

I sighed and braked for a red light. "It's pretty bad Glen," I said.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, Bella's not doing so well. She sent her son to her parent's house up north, and she's been drinking herself half to death, but I think she might be finally coming around."

"That's good news kid. Well I just wanted to touch base with you. Any idea when you'll be heading back down here?"

"Not yet Glen, as soon as I know something you'll be the first to know."

We chatted for a few more minutes then I hung up and turned into the shopping center parking lot. The lot was mostly empty, a few cars parked here and there. I shut the engine of my car off, overwhelmed by the sudden silence. I took a deep breath and exhaled before getting out of the car.

Bella needed something but I had no idea what. I was trying to do my best, but I wasn't a psychologist or a therapist. I was just a meathead football player trying to honor his ex-best friends dying request.

But at what cost?

What price was I going to pay for this?

I grabbed a cart and walked into the grocery store. It was quiet, music played softly overhead and I hummed along, recognizing the song. I walked the empty aisles throwing stuff into the cart, stuff that I knew Bella used to like. There was this wall that I put up after I walked in on her and Jake. In a sense I sealed my memory of her in, and the rest of the world out. The wall never broke, it never crumbled, but baby those walls were tumbling down now. I felt like the goddamn Grinch, with all that his heart grew three sizes bullshit.

And again I wondered what price my heart was going to pay and who'd be the one to foot the bill. I was willing to bet anything this would end badly, for everyone involved and that I would be the one to pay the ultimate price. Before I'd realized it, I was at the end of the store. I looked down at the cart, unsure. _Fuck it,_ I thought and pushed the cart to the checkout stand.

After I paid the cashier, I loaded the groceries into the car and headed back to Bella's. The house was quiet when I came in carrying the first couple bags. I set them down on the kitchen counter and looked first into the family room, then the living room. Both were empty.

"Bella?" I called out. Only the silence answered me. I set my keys down and went down the long hallway that divided the living and family rooms. There was a guest suite, where I'd finally convinced Bella to sleep, and two more rooms. One was her art studio and one was an office. I peered into the guest room, finding it empty as well, I continued down the hall.

The studio was empty, but the office was not. Bella was sitting in the high backed leather office chair, shafts of white paper clutched in her hand. She looked up at me, tears streaming down her face. I rushed to her side and knelt in front of her. "What's wrong?" I asked, taking the paper from her hands.

_My dear Bella_, the letter began. I stopped reading after that. It was from Jake and none of my business. Folding the letter, I set it back inside the open desk drawer and pulled her into my arms.

"How could he do this to me?" she sobbed, "how could he just leave me here, alone, to deal with this. I am drowning in a sea of my own goddamn despair and I am all alone."

Again words failed me. So I did what I could. I held her in my arms, the safe haven to her hurricane. I held her until her sobs quieted, until her tears dried. I would have held her till the world ended if she would have let me.

After she calmed down, she pushed me away, wiping her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm trying to not break down like that; it's just easier said than done."

I gripped her arms and peered into her bloodshot eyes. "It's okay," I said.

"It's not," she replied, her breath shaky, "but who the fuck knows if it ever will be again."

That night I broke down and called Sue. She helped Bella all those years ago, maybe she could help again. Sue sounded relieved to hear from me. "Hi," she said her voice happy yet exhausted. "How's my Bella?"

"Not good Sue," I sighed. "Well, she's a little better than when I got here; I got her to eat and stop drinking. But still with the random outbursts. Today I went to get groceries and I came back, she was in the office. She found a letter Jake left for her. She broke down and the six steps forward progress we'd made just turned into forty steps back. I don't know what to do. I think she needs professional help, but what do I know?"

Sue sighed. "Do you think art would help?"

I ran my hands through my hair and shrugged helplessly. "I really don't know. I think this is more than art. I think she needs a change of scenery, but I don't know where to take her."

"Take her to the beach house," Sue said.

"The beach house?"

"Jake bought her a house on the beach in Saint Augustine a few years back. Maybe being on the beach will help her."

"Thanks Sue. How is Avery?"

Now it was Sue's turn to sigh. "He misses his parents - well I uh, mean-"

"I know what you mean," I said.

"He misses them, wants to know when he can go home. But other than that, he's doing okay. How are you?"

"I've been better, part of me feels like this is some weird nightmare and I'll wake up any second, but another part of me is like, okay it happened, I dealt with it, next item on the agenda please."

Sue chuckled softly. "Funny how that works huh?"

"Yeah, funny."

We talked for a few more minutes, then I hung up and went to check on Bella. She was lying in the middle of the bed in the guest room, her hair fanned out behind her, one arm tucked into the covers, the other bent at a ninety degree angle beside her cheek. She looked so peaceful when she slept; it seemed like the one place where she wasn't haunted by Jake or his death. I backed out of the room and shut the door behind me. Then went to find out where this beach house was and what it would take to get Bella there.

* * *

**Reviews are better than Embry being there for Bella..**

Carry Me Through - Dave Barnes

Thanks to my cousin mark who helped me diagnose embry..lol he said I.E.D was a strectch...he said it was more like the guy was just an immature ass..lol...but he helped me the best he could..lol..so thanks mark!


	30. Even Now

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**Bella**

The sun was shining though the warmth never reached my heart. Jake was gone. The thought echoed over and over again in my brain, like tumbleweed blowing across the desert - it just kept going.

The sea surf crashed, the approaching storm transformed the ocean into an angry and virulent sea. Waves rose up past their normal six foot crests, rapidly approaching the ten foot mark they raised higher before violently breaking and rushing the shore.

The cool water lapped at my toes but had little effect on me. I was the only one on the beach, a worn afghan wrapped tightly around me. The wind swirled, raising my hair into a tangled beehive. Further down the beach a girl laughed, immediately drawing my attention. I glanced at her, squinting against the hazy sun. She was young, twenty or twenty one. She ran away from one of the beach houses, a boy chased her towards the sea.

She laughed the sound happy and carefree, a melodic tinkle on the swirling breeze. I stopped to watch her and the boy's limbs tangle as he caught her by the waist, scooping her up. She laughed again as he trudged toward the ocean. As soon as she realized what he was about to do her terrified shrieks filled the air.

My heart stung as she called out, "No Jake. Jake, no. Don't you dare, I swear to-"

Her cries were cut off as he dumped her into the churning water. She stood up, seaweed clinging to her left shoulder. She glared at the boy and pounded his chest.

He laughed a husky sound that drifted over the fragrant wind, carrying it towards me. Whatever he said to her was drowned out by the whine of a passing airplane.

I stopped staring and kept walking down the beach, hoping that somehow the sadness and the anger would just go away and I could forget. Forget Jake's death, hell I sometimes wished I could forget Jake even ever existed. If I could, I would erase him, and this terrible ache, permanently.

Then there was Embry. He was a god send. I had no idea how I would have made it through these last few weeks without him and frankly that surprised me. He brought with him some semblance of clarity, then again that could definitely have a lot to do with being sober. Sobriety was, quick honestly, over rated. I'd rather be drunk and hung over and numb than feel all this. But part of me liked feeling it. Feeling it meant that I was dealing with it and in dealing with it meant I was getting over it.

I sighed, reflecting back on the last ten years of my life. I wanted to laugh. Life, it was more like a conveniently crafted soap opera script. There was no way a normal person had as much drama and sadness in their life. I could make a killing selling my story to one of the networks.

I could see it now, in big bold print, a character history. Enter seventeen year old girl. Biological mother murdered, step-father left for dead, paralyzed in the streets of a Jacksonville neighborhood. Said step-father, unable to deal, commits suicide. Girl is suddenly an orphan, sent off to live with the biological father who gave her away. Enter high school love triangle. Scratch that; enter high school and college love triangle, unplanned pregnancy, the NFL and cancer.

It was a miracle I wasn't in therapy. I could make some poor therapist very wealthy with the plethora of issues I had. I passed the kids standing in the surf, and continued my journey to the edge of nowhere. I was absentmindedly strolling along the beach when I glimpsed it half-buried in the sand: a barnacle-encrusted bottle.

"What's that?" I murmured, bending down to grab it.

It was, well what I could see of it, green in color. Not an average, ordinary green, but a strange green, a green I'd never seen before. It was dull, like the color of olive oil, but brilliant at the same time, like it was lit from within.

With deft fingers I quickly moved the sand out of the way, freeing the bottle from its earthen grave. I pulled it, careful not to cut my fingers on the barnacles. Something inside the bottle tapped against the sides as I turned it.

The mouth of the bottle was encased in barnacles. I scampered to my feet and ran back down the beach toward my house. Curiosity spurned me on, for the first time in over a month I felt...alive and for some reason I needed to know what was in that bottle.

I vaulted up the narrow stairs, darted across the private beach entrance and ran across the street, throwing open the gate. I left it hanging open and wrenched the front door open, jogged up the stairs, across the living room. Jake's tool box was still under the kitchen sink. Everything was right where he left it.

I sank to my knees and pulled the cabinet open. The hammer, with its worn wooden handle, was sitting in the tray when I opened the tool box. A million memories came pouring out as I opened it. Jake wasn't very handy, but he sure as hell tried to fix the little things that broke. I missed his misshapen shelves and teetering bookcases. Tears filled my eyes as I remembered all the things that could have been, but now never were.

I grabbed the hammer and the bottle then headed outside. Gone was the sun and blue sky. Both had vanished behind a veil of ominous grey clouds, the air held a slight chill. Setting the bottle down on the deck, I lifted the hammer and brought it down the barnacle-encrusted bottle. The glass and sessilia* lay on the deck; their shattered remains glittered in the low light. A yellowed note lay in the center of the mess, a piece of twine tied around its middle.

I dusted the bits of broken glass and shell off the letter and lifted it delicately. It was feathery under my finger tips. Gently sliding the twine down, I set it aside and unrolled the letter. I read it once, my eyes misting at the sentimentality contained within. Whoever wrote it obviously missed the person it was addressed to, the love was apparent as I read it again.

_My dearest Mary, _the note began_. _

_Though you're gone now I can still feel you here. I can hear you in the kitchen as you make your famous pumpkin pie. I hear your soft snores as I lay in bed at night. I had forty years, Mary, forty amazing years, and yet it wasn't nearly enough. _

_I see you everywhere I look, the radio only plays the songs you loved, the television only plays the commercials you liked. Your half finished scarf still sits on the end table, your pink needles poking out of that hideous neon blue yarn you were using. _

_I miss you every day Mary. Every day I wake up and you're not here and every night I go to bed, my hand on the side of the bed where you rested your head. I know when the time is right, we'll be together again. _

_I pray that time comes soon, my dear, sweet Mary. Until then, you'll forever be in my heart. _

_All my love,_

_Henry._

I leaned back against the railing, tears pouring down my face. Henry lost Mary. Henry found a way to survive. Did that mean I would too?

I rolled the letter up and stared up at the sky. The rain came, falling from the sky like a cleansing mist, washing away the remaining pain.

I had weathered the worst of this storm. The best was yet to come. After all, tomorrow is another day. All that nonsense. Did this mean I would be okay too?

Henry's letter reminded me of Jake's. I don't know why, or what made me do it, but after Embry left I felt like I was being pulled toward his office. I walked down the hall, my fingertips trailing along the wall, slowing my progress.

I stood in front of the door, my fingers hover above the brushed nickel door knob.

"Open it," a voice in my head whispered.

_Oh great_, I thought; _now I'm hearing voices. See this proves it, I'm losing it._

And still, I grasped the knob tightly in my hand, knuckles turning white and slowly turned the knob. The door swung open under its own weight and I was faced with all I wanted to forget. His computer was humming quietly in the background, different coupons and photos were tacked to a bulletin board over the desk. His playbook sat in the back, left hand corner of the desk. His favorite pen in the play doh cup Avery made, that god awful photo sat in the center of the desk.

I could feel him here, like he was still here. I wanted to put my arms around him and hold him close.

"I can still feel you," I whispered. "Are you still here? I miss you, why did you go, come back to me Jake. Don't make me do this on my own, it's too hard and I can't do it by myself."

I sat down in the chair and rubbed the soft leather, it smelled like leather and Jake. I turned my face toward the back of the chair and took a deep breath.

Even now, I can smell him, like he'd sat in this chair just a few minutes ago. Even now I could feel his arms around me, could feel his hands cupping my cheek. I leaned forward, the sensation comforting and creepy all at the same time, and pulled the center drawer open.

Set gently inside was a letter addressed to me, and one to Avery beneath it. My heart stalled in my chest, then beat double time making it almost impossible to breathe. With shaky fingers I lifted the letter from the drawer and held in up. It wasn't how I wanted, but he'd found a way to send one small piece of him back to me. The letter was so classic Jake, how he even though he felt like he hadn't had the perfect things to say, everything he wrote was perfect.

Maybe, just maybe I'd be okay. I just didn't know if I was ready for that just yet.

Out front, the front door opened and shut. "Bella?" Embry called. His heavy footsteps echoed as they climbed the stairs. Plastic bags crinkled as he set the groceries down on the counter. His face appeared around the corner.

"Hey," he said softly, "it's pouring, what are you doing out there?"

I got to my feet, Henry's letter clenched in my hand. "What's that?" he asked pointing to the letter.

I left the wet afghan on the patio and handed him the letter. "I found it on the beach this morning," I said.

Embry took the letter and read it quickly. "Wow," he said softly. "That's incredibly sad, yet incredibly hopeful."

He handed me the letter. I carried it to the kitchen and placed it between two paper towels. I was going to keep it, frame it if I had to. It changed everything and that was weird, it gave me incredible hope that no matter what came my way, I wasn't built to break and that I would get over it.

Then, for the first time in I don't know how long, I smiled.

* * *

As Embry put away the groceries, I carried a towel and art supplies to the balcony. I dried off the deck chair then sat down, a sketch pad in front of me. I closed my eyes as the cold mist sprayed my face, a baptismal spray, the washing away of old pain and the turning of a page.

I conjured Arthur Kensington's face; remember the timbre of his voice, thought, in his voice, what's the worst thing that ever happened to you? Do you know yet? Now draw it.

As if moving under its own accord, my hand travelled over the page and the image of a piano sprung to life on the page, above it a charcoal rainbow. Names appeared on the piano keys, dates beneath them.

Embry turned the radio on in the kitchen, Whitney Houston sang about not knowing her own strength. I smiled and drew power from her.

I drew faster and faster, the keys of the piano cluttered with names and dates and places. But when I was done I felt like a small weight was lifted off my shoulders. I tore the page off and set it just inside the doorway and continued drawing.

I drew the ocean waves as they towered above the shore, angry and violent. I drew the kids on the beach earlier, the way the bottle looked as it poked out of the sand. I drew Duke who was down in the yard chasing seagulls.

I drew Jake.

I drew Jake in bed asleep, or in the kitchen making hot dogs, Jake and Avery playing soccer with Duke, I drew Jake lying in his casket. I drew things I didn't even know I felt.

At sunset I drew the sun as it disappeared over the western horizon, the way the sky looked over the ocean.

I didn't leave the deck chair until Embry came out and told me it was getting chilly and I should come inside. He bent down and scooped up the large pile of drawings, flipping through them.

"These are brilliant," he said.

I smiled sheepishly. "They're okay. I feel better for it though."

Embry sized me up, his eyes travelling up and down. "Finding that letter really helped didn't it?"

I shrugged. "Is it stupid if I say yes?"

Embry shook his head no, "whatever helps."

"Then yes, it helped. I felt so all alone, like no one else knew what I was going through. That just showed me I wasn't alone, that someone somewhere went through the exact same thing."

He set the drawings on the coffee table and gathered me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed.

"I'm so sorry," I said.

"It's okay," he replied.

"Is it?"

Embry shrugged. "If it's not, then it will be. It just takes time. Lots and lots of time."

I rubbed his back. "We'll be okay," I said.

* * *

I slept in our room that night. Sometime during the early morning I woke up. My cheeks were slick with the tracks of my tears, and I could smell the faint, barely there presence of Jake in the pillows, circling the air on the humid breeze that fluttered in through the window. I pressed my face into the down and breathed in the last of him.

"I still miss you," I said out loud.

For a moment I wanted to be Hillary Swank, I wanted him to talk back.

"I think it's going to start getting better now," I whispered. "If you see Mary will you tell her Henry misses her?"

There was no answer and for a moment I felt foolish for talking to myself. Headlights rolled over the ceiling as a car drove by.

"Have you seen my parents? I bet you have. I bet they love you. I think after we leave here, I'm going to come see you, maybe bring you some flowers and then I'm going to bring our son home. Is that oaky? Is it okay if I start to move on? I don't want to be sad forever, but I don't want to forget you either. I just don't know what to do. I love you Jake, I always will but I want to be happy again. I don't want to cry and be sad and drink to forget you. I want to remember the good and know that we had more time than some people ever get."

I rolled over, reluctantly lifting my face from the pillow. I stared at the ceiling. Sleep wrestled with my eyelids and was winning.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't think you'd want me to either. I love you. I always will, but its time."

My eyelids drooped shut and sleep over took me and so faintly, just before sleep dragged me under, I heard Jake say it was okay. It might have been the wind off the ocean or my own imagination. Either way, it was exactly what I needed to hear.

* * *

**Reviews are better than finally feeling like you can move on**

**Even Now - Dashboard Confessional  
**

* sessilia – an order of barnacles, typically the kind you find on the bottoms of boats and ocean rocks


	31. Going, going, gone

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**Jake**

Being dead is a lot like being in a dream. Well, maybe not so much like a dream, more like being invisible. You can see and hear everything that goes on in your old life, but you can't interact with the people you've left behind.

Sometimes, if you try really hard, you can get them to notice you but most of the time it's just like watching a movie. You know you're there, you see what's going on but the movie doesn't know you're there, it just plays.

Bella was lying in the bedroom of the beach house. I heard her talking me. I was sitting on the floor in the corner watching her sleep. She tossed and turned all night, crying out occasionally.

It broke my heart to see her in this much pain and there was nothing I wouldn't give to make it better.

She awoke in the early pre-dawn hours of the morning and took a deep breath, then pressed her face into the pillow on my side of the bed. She sniffed it, then spoke. "I still miss you."

I got up and went to the bed, kneeling beside it; I reached out and ran my fingers through her soft hair. If I could have cried, I would have. I'd been with her this entire time, at least until she called Embry, then I stepped back.

I knew the future, apparently the whole "life flashes before your eyes" thing was a myth. You don't see your life, you see the future. You see what will happen to the people you love once they find out you're gone - how they handle your death. For some, I hear, it's easier. For some, it's harder.

For me it was easy. Bella and Avery's future was brilliant. It was full of more love and happiness than I could have hoped for, so my dying served a higher purpose and for the first time, I understood that damn P.S. I love you movie. Bella was my life; I was just one chapter of hers.

But this morning, I could feel a change in the air - and it wasn't the storm moving off toward the east. It was a change in Bella herself, a sort of letting go.

I knelt on the floor kneeling besides her wishing I could tell her I missed her too. A car pulled out of its driveway and headed toward the end of the street. Bella was quiet as it drove by, the corners of her eyes crinkled and I could tell she felt foolish for talking to what she thought was an empty room.

She talked about someone named Mary and Henry. I had no idea who either of them was, then she started talking about her parents. I didn't see anyone except Bella and Avery. I travelled between the two of them.

When she asked me if it was okay to bring Avery home, I sobbed, my shoulders shaking under the weight of invisible tears. I wanted to tell her it was okay to bring him home, and that what was going to happen was okay too. I wanted to tell her it was okay to not be sad anymore, that I wanted her to smile and draw and laugh and have fun - that I wanted her to live well.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't think you'd want me to either. I love you. I always will, but its time."

Her eyelids drooped shut with this declaration and her breathing evened, then I knew she was asleep.

"It's okay," I said.

Her face twitched once, like she heard me but didn't believe it and then she was gone, lost to the land of sleep and dreams.

I lay down and wrapped my arms around her. I thought about the past, well what I could remember of it anyway. Being dead was hell on the memories.

You could remember things, but they were hazy, like you were looking back through a pair of dirty glasses.

I stayed with Bella until she woke up again a few hours later. I watched as she climbed out of bed, heard her feet slap the floor. She yawned, raising her arms high above her head, then pushed off the bed and called to Embry.

He grunted from where he slept on the couch. She called his name again and he sat up, looking at her.

It amazed me to see it still there after all these years, in his eyes. They softened whenever she walked into the room and he seemed to come alive. She was his true other half.

If I ever figured out where I was supposed to be, I was going to ask whoever ran this show about that - soul mates.

I would have sworn Bella was mine, but judging from the look in Embry's eyes, she was his as well. Maybe, like the life flashing before your eyes thing, soul mates were a myth too. Or maybe, there wasn't one person for everyone; maybe, by some flaw in the grand design we had many soul mates. Take the three of us, Bella, Embry and me.

Bella was my soul mate, but she was also Embry's. Did that mean that he and I were also her soul mates? It had to. Maybe the way it worked was you had, oh I dunno, two or three soul mates. Of course you don't know that at the time and the reason why is easy. Look what happened to me and Bella.

I was twenty seven when I died. Twenty seven years old. How could I be the only one for Bella? It just wouldn't be fair to have your soul mate ripped away so young. So according the flaw in the design, you have another, a sort of second chance to come full circle.

Embry was Bella's second chance as well as her true full circle. She was, in a sense, right back where she started – scared and alone, in the arms of the person who was best suited for taking care of her, for giving her exactly what she needed, when she needed it.

I sat down in an arm chair and watched their early morning banter. It was comical and easy, like they'd been doing this, well, like they'd been doing this forever.

It made me happy and jealous at the same time. I envied Embry and his health. I wanted my life and my wife, my son, and even my ding bat dog, back.

In the kitchen, the refrigerator opened and Bella pulled out a carton of eggs, turned abruptly and slammed into Embry's chest. A look of longing arced as he gently grabbed her arms, keeping her from falling, but he hid it from her.

She laughed softly and thanked him, then set about making scrambled eggs for breakfast.

Embry poured himself a cup of coffee and asked Bella if she'd like to go for a run on the beach with him.

She laughed and told him that, by nature, she did not run. She pointed him in the direction of the key to the private beach entrance gate, and told him to have fun.

He asked her again before he grabbed the key and jogged down the stairs, his Nike's squeaking on the polished floor.

Bella hummed a song as she cooked her eggs. As the pan on the stove sizzled, she reached for the phone and dialed a long distance number.

I heard the phone ring a few times before she answered with a chipper hello.

It was Sue; I could hear her voice coming through the phone. She quieted down and listened to Bella's story about a message in a bottle she found on the beach and how it sort of changed her life. The she asked about Avery.

Sue put him on the phone and he screamed when Bella told him she was coming to get him and bring him home.

I sat on my arm chair, a ghost, a rolling stone without a home and watched as my family went on without me.

It hurt, more than cancer and chemo, to be forgotten. But it was what they needed so I closed my eyes and then I, myself, faded away.

* * *

**Reviews are better than finally feeling like you can move on**

**Going, going, gone - Stars  
**


	32. I'm About to Come Alive

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

Ok I swear, there should be NO tears here...this is all moving on and warm fuzzies...promise...sorry it's been so long since the last update...I'm out of town and have had NO time to edit the chapter...next one should be good to go up hopefully tomorrow

**Part Four**

_"Getting used to waking up everyday ...not seeing your face...and I stop longing for your warm embrace...to finally sleep at night...though you're not by my side...finally I don't hardly cry."_

They say it's the darkest before the sun rises.

The days were dark, oh yes they were dark.

Then the sun rose. It broke across the sky in a brilliant flash of light and color. You could call it a meteor or a solar flare, but it was neither. It was acceptance.

Time heals all wounds, or so they say.

Time made me better.

Now I had to find out who I was, who I was without Jake.

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: I am, I am, I am.

I had to find me.

* * *

** Chapter Thirty-Two**

**Embry**

It's amazing how much time can heal a person. Even when you don't think it can, it does. Having a routine and going through the motions ultimately leads to living through it rather than succumbing to it. And Bella was a living testament to that. When I first came to her, she looked half dead herself; she stopped living when Jake did and there were times when I wondered if she would ever make it back. I didn't expect her to come all the way back from that place where she was, but standing before me now, it looked like she had.

I think having Avery back home had a lot to do with it as well. He gave her something to look forward to, some reason to get out of bed every morning, a reason to keep going. I thought about the morning she told me she was done with being depressed and upset. We were still at her beach house when she did. It was the morning after she found the letter in the bottle; she'd come downstairs and called my name. I lay there, ignoring her and pretending to be asleep. When I didn't respond she called my name again; I sat up, growling, and looked at her. Bella stood there, gnawing on her lower lip anxiously and glanced at me, declaring she had something she wanted to talk to me about.

I'll admit as soon as she made the statement my heart started to race. I was afraid that this was the part where she'd send me away, the part where she no longer needed. Instead what she said surprised me.

"So," she said and with that one word she had my full attention. "I've decided that it's time to bring Avery home."

As the weight of her words hung in the air I realized this _was_ the part where she'd send me away. I sat there trying to play it cool, trying to tell myself I'd known all along that it was going to come to this. I smiled wondering if Bella knew just how fake the smile was. If she did, she didn't let it show. Instead, she smiled and said, "I'd like for you to come with me – to Forks I mean, to get Avery."

I exhaled a breath I didn't know I was holding as I realized what she was saying, she wasn't sending me away, she wanted me to be a part of not only her life, but Avery's as well. "I don't know what to say," I admitted. I wanted to go with her because it was what she wanted, but part of me said no, to wait. Avery missed her; he hadn't seen her in almost three months.

"Say you'll come," she grinned.

"Okay," I said, "Don't take this the wrong way." Bella's smile fell, her eyes crinkled in the corners and for a minute I thought she was going to cry. "Hang on a second, hear me out first. I think that, as great as the offer is, you should go to Forks alone. I think it might confuse Avery if I show up there with you, and not only that but it's been a while since he last saw you. I think you two need to spend some time together before I got getting all involved. You go alone, and I'll be here waiting for you when you get back."

Bella's face relaxed when she realized that I wasn't abandoning her – as if I could. Hell if I wanted to I doubted I could. I loved her too damn much. I just hoped one day she could love me back.

"Okay," she said slowly, relief flooding her eyes. "I think you might be right. I'd love for you to come, but I understand your reservations. There is one place I'd like to go though, if that's okay; do you think you could take me?"

"Sure Bella, I'll take you anywhere you want to go, just let me shower first."

As the warm water washed over me I thought about Bella's reaction. I was so worried about her leaving me I never stopped to think that maybe she was worried about the same thing, vice versa. I just figured that once she was okay and able to live again she wouldn't need me anymore and I would be dismissed like a common servant. I failed to see why she thought I would leave her. I came, didn't I, when she called? I ran to her, I never left her. Hell, even after all these years I never left her. Ours was a weird relationship that much was for sure.

Bella was sitting on the couch waiting for me when I walked down the stairs. She looked a little pale, a light sheen of perspiration glistened on her forehead. She looked up and smiled weakly as I walked into the living room. "Ready?" I asked, taking in her purse sitting on the floor next to her sneakered feet.

"Yes," she said with a brief nod. "I'm ready."

She stood, grabbing her bag and walked down the stairs to the driveway. I trailed behind her, curious as to where we were headed this morning. As I exited the subdivision, Bella pointed toward the interstate and said, "Head towards Jacksonville."

I followed her directions and an hour later parked beside a grassy hill. The wind ruffled the long blades of stiff grass, the leaves on the tree quivered. Beside me, Bella inhaled, holding her breath for a moment before exhaling.

"Are you alright?" I asked, watching her stare up the hill and off into the distance. She nodded slightly but didn't say anything. I knew where we were, it was Bella's family tragedy personified. Her parents were buried up there as well as her grandmother. She passed away during our senior year of high school and the two of us had flown down for the funeral. We sat in silence for a second then Bella pushed the door open and stepped out of the car. She shut the door wordlessly and walked over toward the left where her parents were buried. We'd also stopped to see them that day. Bella rarely saw them. I didn't have to ask to know her reasoning; it was, after all, transparent.

After Esme's surprise visit, the one where she told Bella the truth about her mother, Phil, and Charlie; After that, and for the longest time, Bella felt betrayed and confused; eventually though, she'd come to accept the fact that her mother wasn't who she thought she was. She'd accepted it and became closer to Sue and Leah.

Bella stood there for a second, her long brown hair fluttering in the breeze. She was talking; I could see her hands motioning up and down. She stopped and walked a little further down, stopping at Jake's headstone. I got out of the car and sat on the hood, watching Bella and wondering if Jake was still around and whether or not he could see or hear us. I didn't think he could, I wasn't one to believe in life after death. I glanced up at Bella again, she was wiping her eyes.

For her sake I hoped Jake was still around. Just then, a warm breeze blew across my face, giving me the chills. _It's just a coincidence, _I told myself.

Still a little freaked out; I got back in the car and turned the radio on. One of Bella's favorite songs came pouring out. How she listened to it I'll never know; it made me want to kill myself. Not only that the words were weird as hell.

_The sky looks pissed, the wind talks back. _

_My bones are shifting in my skin and you my love are gone…_

I stared at the radio, horrified. What the fuck was this? I jabbed the button to change the track.

_Unspoken in silence, let's stay here tonight_

I hit the button again, changing to the next track.

_I do not wanna die inside, just breathe in, relief exists when I am cut._

I stared at the CD player. _Seriously?_ I thought. I reached out and pressed the button, changing the track again.

_Dear Agony just let go of me, suffer slowly is this the way it's got to be?_

No wonder she was always so miserable. This music was horrible; shit, it would depress Pee Wee Herman for Christ's sake. I ejected the CD and tossed it into the back seat. There was no way she was _ever_ listening to those songs again.

The radio screeched on, some upbeat pop song poured out. At first I thought it was The Zombie's _Time of the Season_ but some chick started singing about it to her right or not at all. I shrugged and tapped the steering wheel glad the song wasn't mopey or depressing. Bella walked back to the car and opened the door.

"I'm ready," she said as she got in.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She answered with a brief nod and clicked her seat belt, offering no words or explanations. "Okay," I shrugged and started the car. The engine idled quietly as I turned to look at Bella. "Where to?"

"Home; I have to pack. I have an early flight out tomorrow."

We drove in silence back to her house in Jacksonville. As we pulled into the driveway I said, "I'll go down tomorrow after I take you to the airport and pick up Duke.

"Thanks Embry," she said.

I stayed out of her way while she packed and got ready to head to Forks and like I promised, I dropped her off at the airport, then went to Saint Augustine to pick up her dog. Back in Jacksonville, I cleaned out the fridge and fed the dog, asking a neighbor to feed and walk the dog until Bella got back then I headed home. Bella didn't say how long she was going to be gone for and I didn't think I needed to be there while she was away.

A week passed, then another. Bella called every night during the first week. The second week she called a total of four times. By the start of the third week I felt the bitter sting of regret, first because I didn't go with her then because she used me and, like a sucker, I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker and got ensnared in her manipulative web. Again.

I tried to call her but every time I dialed the number her voicemail answered. Finally I got sick of not being able to get a hold of her and I stopped calling. March ended and still no word from Bella. I took my time off and sat in my condo staring at the walls. The morning of April fool's day, my phone rang at seven thirty in the morning.

I rolled over, grumbling, snatched the phone off the base and barked, "Hello?"

"Embry?" a timid voice asked.

I sat up, immediately worried. "Bella? What's wrong? Are you alright?"

"Um, I'm at the airport and you're not here. Did you forget?"

I glanced at my alarm clock. Did I forget what? "Uh, Bella, what the hell are you talking about?"

"I called the house and left a message letting you know when we'd be coming home. You didn't get the message?"

I snorted softly. "Bella, I'm in Tampa. I've been here since you left. Why did you call your house, what made you think I'd be there?"

"Well, this is going to sound stupid, so don't laugh. I only have your cell phone number, it's saved in my phone and it fell into the toilet by accident like two weeks ago. I lost your number so I've been calling the house because for some reason I thought you were there."

I laughed and suddenly felt pretty damn stupid. She wasn't using me, she flushed her phone. "Oh jeez. Wait, how'd you get my house number?"

"411, I was surprised you're number was listed."

I chuckled softly. "Well, it's a surprise to me too. Um, I'll tell you what, can you take a cab home?"

"Oh yeah, I just wasn't sure what was going on with you. I wanted to make sure you were okay, I guess."

"Yeah, Bella, I'm fine, but listen, take a cab home and I'll pack a bag and be up there as soon as I can, okay?"

"Oh Embry you don't have to do that," Bella protested.

"What if I want to?"

The line hummed with anticipatory static. "Embry - I..."

"What's wrong?" I asked, unsure of what I'd said to upset her. "I just want to come up, make sure you two get settled, stuff like that. Hell, I'll even stay in a hotel if that's what you're worried about."

Finally she sighed and said, "Okay, come if you want to."

"Okay. I'll see you in a few hours. Bye."

"Bye."

The phone clicked as she hung up. I stared at the phone in my hands for a second, suddenly nervous. I'd seen Avery a few times, but I'd never spoken to him, never had any contact with him. This was it; this was going to be the first time I actually got to interact with my son.

I felt like I was going to hurl. I fell out of bed and rushed to the bathroom, leaning over the porcelain toilet waiting for something, anything to happen, yet nothing did.

Eventually I got tired of leaning over the toilet. I shut the lid and washed my parched mouth out then set about packing some clothes.

The ride was short, two hundred and twenty seven miles of trees and lush green land that cut through five different cities and in what seemed like a lot less than four and a half hours, I was pulling into the driveway in front of Bella's house.

I heard a child scream and a dog bark as I got out of the car. I figured it to be duke and Avery. Bella met me at the front door and opened it, giving me a kiss on the cheek as I passed her.

It was a bit too familiar, and a bit like being kicked in the knee. I had this strange vision of the two of us in a different world, a world where I treated her better and she stayed with me and Jake was a hound dog chasing skirts in some big city.

It was weird and it weirded me out.

I shook my head and set my bag down inside the door. I turned to Bella. She looked good, happy almost.

"How was your trip?" I asked leaning down for a hug.

She smiled and wrapped her arms around me, the citrusy and flower scent of her invaded my senses like enemy troops forging across the battle field. I closed my eyes and let myself get lost in that fantasy, the one where this was my life and there was no sadness here - only happiness.

Bella pulled away and motioned for me to follow her to the kitchen. "The trip was good. Avery was happy to see me. He doesn't understand why he won't see Jake again, but I suppose that will come in time."

I nodded and picked at my fingernails. "How are your parents?"

Bella crossed the kitchen and pulled the fridge open. "They're good. Want a drink?"

I nodded and she tossed a cold can of mountain dew across the kitchen. I caught it easily and popped the tab, the carbonated hiss sizzled. "You were gone longer than I thought you'd be," I said conversationally.

Bella nodded and took a long swallow of her diet Pepsi. "I needed to get away from here, too many memories linger in these walls," she said.

"What are walls but drywall and mud?"

She shrugged, "I guess that's so, but everywhere I look I see different scenes from our life together being recreated. It's like a private show for only me to see and enjoy. Problem is I don't know if it's killing me or curing me."

"What are you saying?"

Again she shrugged. "I think I need a new scene, a change of pace, a change of place. This place is killing me, this town, this city, hell even this state. Everywhere I look I see grief and heart ache, it's too damn much. I don't want to become this, you know?"

"Become what Bella?"

"This person who's had all this tragedy. I don't want to become something that I have no control over. I want to overcome, not become."

"Well," I said sipping my soda, "I don't see you becoming."

She snorted softly. "Because you're blind."

"How am I blind?"

"You're blinded by hatred and obscurity. Part of me thinks you still see me as that little seventeen year old girl who needed saving."

"I'm not blind Bella. I see exactly what is going on. Blinded by hatred and obscurity? Pray tell, what is my hatred and obscurity, what are its causes, where exactly do its roots lie?"

She turned and looked me directly in the eye. "In me," she said softly. "I see it every time you look at me. I see the echoes of love that still live within you. Question is; are they dormant or just the ripples of ripples from a pebble dropped in the lake a lifetime and a half ago?"

I returned her gaze evenly. "What are you asking me?"

"If you still love me," she stated.

_Ballsy bitch_, I thought and suppressed a smile. "I think there's a difference," I said evasively.

"There's no difference, a man dressed in woman's clothes is still a man at the end of the day. Do you still love me?"

I took a deep breath and said, "Yes."

Her face remained a blank mask, but I saw it, the tightening in the corners of her eyes.

"And I won't take it back or deny it. Do I love you? Yes. Have I ever stopped? No. I never stopped loving you and that simple fact never ceases to amaze me seeing as how shitty I treated you. But what is it they say about love, love has reasons the heart knows not? I love you, but am I in love with you? No. Would I like to be? I don't know. Would I like to find out? Yes. But this is just me, I'm not asking you to feel the same. You asked me an honest question and here's your honest answer. Take it or leave it."

She smiled, tried to hide it, but it broke free and tugged the corners of her lips up. "Thank you for being honest."

"You're welcome. Now it's your turn to be honest. What's with the odd line of questioning?"

"I'm thinking of moving back to Forks. My parents are there and there are far less memories there to remind of everything I can't get back. I'm just not sure yet, what I'm going to do I mean."

Okay I know the "sucker punched" references are getting a little redundant, but that was the effect Bella had on me. That was her specialty, her constant ability to surprise the hell out of me. And this was a surprise, one I sure as hell didn't see coming.

"What happened while you were in Forks?"

Bella turned and looked out the window, her eyes followed as Avery chased Duke across the backyard. "Nothing happened," she murmured.

"Something happened," I replied.

She turned to face me, "I'm just sick of it. He died, okay, he died. I can't change it, can't take it back and quite honestly Jake would kick my ass if he saw the sorry state I'd been in."

I laughed softly. That was true; he wouldn't want that for her. Jake would want Bella to keep living. "So that's it then, you're going back to Forks?"

"Look," she sighed, "there's no reason for me to stay here anymore. It would just...I don't know...it would just be better for me, and Avery, if we went back to Forks."

I looked down at the table top. "I understand," I said softly.

I didn't want her to go, but if it was what she needed then so be it. I lost her once, I was pretty sure I could live through it again. Bella crossed the kitchen and sat down on the opposite side of the table. She reached for my hand, her warm fingers entwined with mine. "I appreciate everything you've done for me, but what other choice do I have?"

_Stay with me_, I thought_, let me be the one to keep the pain away_. The look in her eyes seemed to beg me to say that, but I couldn't. I couldn't put those demands on her. "I understand," I said. "Besides, I have football...it keeps me pretty busy."

"Do you really understand?"

I shook my head. "Why wouldn't I?"

She wrung her hands and glanced down at the table. "I just get the feeling..."

"What?" I searched her face, the little of it I could see.

"Nothing, never mind."

"No, obviously there's something on your mind, just spill it already."

"You don't want me to go," she stated. "Problem is I just can't figure out why."

"It's your life," I replied dismissively. "You gotta do what you've got to do." We both sat there staring at each other, neither of us saying a word. Outside Duke barked. I swallowed a mouthful of soda and said, "But it doesn't mean I've got to like it."

* * *

Reviews are better than bella finally moving on

The Chain – Ingrid Michelson

Cut – Plumb

Dear Agony – Breaking Benjamin

Bring it Back – Kris Allen

I'm About to Come Alive - Train


	33. Love in the Remains

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

**Again, we're still with the warm fuzzies..lol..I know, how nice is it to be able to read a chapter without bawling..lol. I don't know if I'll update tomorrow as I'm flying home, but definitely on Thursday the daily updates will be back to normal, well until we get to the last chapter I have written. I don't know how many more chapters there will be, right now there are 37 total...i was aiming for 40 total, but things seldom work out how I want..lol..so I guess we'll see.  
**

**Bella**

_"But that doesn't mean I have to like it."_

Who would have thought that nine words could be so heavy? When I went home to Forks I had time, lots and lots of time to think about just about everything. Avery was happy to see me, but wanted to know where Jake was and why he wasn't with me. Charlie, Sue, and I sat him down and tried our best to explain where he went. Avery ran from the room and locked himself in my old room. I understood his being upset and hoped he'd understand in time.

Sue and Charlie were happy to see me better. I went to art therapy classes with Sue and they really seemed to help. But being away from Jacksonville, away from the house, away from all the memories - is what helped the most. It was Charlie who broached the subject of me possibly moving back.

We were out to dinner, the four of us, when he asked how long we were staying. I shrugged and speared a slice of tomato. "I don't really know Dad. Do you guys mind if I stay for a little while? I don't think I can face being alone in that house just yet."

Charlie and Sue both shook their heads. "Stay as long as you need. You know, Bella, you should really think about moving back home. It might be good for you," he said.

And so the seed was planted. It seemed where ever I went I saw houses for sale, businesses seeking help. It seemed almost like destiny was stepping in and saying it was beyond time to come home. Something stopped me though. It was like a single thread still tied me to Florida. At first I thought it was the house and the memories that were there.

Then Sue asked me about Embry and it all became clear.

I had been trying to call my house for a week now to talk to him, but he didn't answer. I wondered where Duke was and if anyone was taking care of him; why Embry wasn't answering the phone.

I was going to invent a waterproof cell phone. Mine had gone for a swim in the toilet. It was a twist of fate, her little lesson to teach me to not text and pee at the same time. It fell in and I lost all my numbers. So, not thinking he'd gone home, I called my house in a vain attempt to talk to him.

This afternoon was no different, only by now I'd begun to grow agitated at being unable to reach him. I slammed the phone down in its receiver a little bit too hard.

"Hey, be nice to my phone," Sue warned. "Whatever the problem is, it's not the phones fault."

"Sorry," I muttered.

"I take it you still can't get a hold of Embry?"

I nodded and sat down at the island. "I've been trying to call for a while now and no answer and I can't call his cell phone because I don't have the number."

"Maybe if you hadn't dropped your phone in the toilet," Sue laughed.

I rolled my eyes and picked at my cuticles.

"He's really helped you hasn't he?"

I shrugged. "It's weird. I don't know how to explain what he's done."

Sue smiled knowingly. "You feel something for him don't you?"

I gaped at her. "Mom!" I exclaimed, "My husband - I - he - I mean..."

"You're human Bella. Embry is familiar. I'd be shocked if you _didn't_ feel something for him. You two have history, and honestly, Jake is gone. You have to move on sometime."

Surprised, I stared at her. This was not advice I ever expected to get from Sue. "It feels wrong somehow," I whispered.

"It had to happen sometime," she said. "It is what it is. Look at it this way. Life is like a road trip, okay. You have a route mapped out, places you want to go, things you want to see - people you want to meet. On this little road trip called life, there are detours, unexpected stops. You're traveling down the highway and there's an attraction you didn't plan for, so you pull off the highway to see it, but on your way back to the highway you get lost. You have accidental babies or marry your boyfriend's best friend, but eventually you find the highway, and once again you are bumbling along through life."

"I get it, but what's your point Mom? What's this got to do with Embry?"

"My point, sweetheart, is that sometimes you've got to take the long way around to get exactly where you were meant to be all along. Life's full of little hiccups and detours, flat tires and low gas fifty miles before the next gas station. It's up to you to either live life by the map you keep stashed in the glove box or toss it out the window. My point, is that maybe, Jake - god rest his soul - was just an unplanned stop on your road map. My point is that maybe Embry is exactly where you were meant to be all along. You just took a little bit longer getting there. My point is that you've come full circle. Now what are you going to do about it?"

Now here I sat, testing the waters with him, gauging how he felt about me by telling him I was moving back to Forks. I suppressed the smile as his response echoed in my head_. But that doesn't mean I have to like it._

I looked up at him. At his face that was so familiar, the face that chased away the cold from my soul, the face that shattered the darkness that occasionally threatened to overtake me, the face of my former best friend.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

He looked at me and said, "What part was unclear?"

I shrugged and felt stupid for playing games with him. "All of it?"

Embry smiled. "Stop playing with me. You know exactly what I meant."

I did. "You don't want me to go."

"There ya go," he said sarcastically.

"It feels...I dunno, wrong almost." I wrung my hands; they were sweaty and ached from being squeezed so often.

"I don't know what to say, this is a rather...unconventional situation," Embry said.

I laughed cynically. "You think?"

Embry joined in and we laughed together. The back door slammed and Avery stood there, Duke stood beside him, his large pink tongue lolling to one side. "What are you guys laughing at?" he asked.

I turned in my chair to face him. "Oh nothing sweetie, it's grown up stuff."

Avery turned to Duke and said in a conspiratorial voice, "That's what she always says when she's talking about me."

I got out of my chair and went to Avery. I knelt before him and tapped his nose. "I wasn't talking about you," I said with a smile. "Are you hungry?"

He nodded and said, "So is Duke. We'd like chicken nuggets please."

I laughed and stood. "Chicken nuggets it is. Go wash your hands please."

He ran off, screaming, towards the bathroom. I took the bag of frozen chicken nuggets out of the freezer and arranged some on a plate, four for Avery and two for Duke.

"Do you want some nuggets?" I asked Embry.

"No," he said with a smile, "I hate chicken nuggets."

"You hate chicken nuggets?" Avery asked incredulously.

Embry nodded and laughed. "Sure do little man. I like fish sticks better."

Avery wrinkled his nose and sat down in his chair, duke sat beside him. "Fish sticks are 'isgusting," he said.

"No way!" Embry exclaimed, "fish sticks are delicious."

They proceeded to argue while the microwave counted down. When it beeped, I took the chicken nuggets out and put them on a plate, along with a squirt of ketchup and set them down in front of Avery.

"Only two of those are for Duke, you understand?" I warned.

"Yes Mommy."

"Good. Now eat your lunch."

I motioned for Embry to follow me into the family room. He took a seat in the arm chair, I sat across from him. "So," I began, picking up our earlier conversation. "What you were saying is that you don't want Avery and me to move back to Forks, right?"

Embry nodded. "That's right and my reasons are purely selfish. I barely know Avery. I'd like the chance to get to know him. Eventually he's going to need a father figure. I'm not saying we have to tell him that I'm really his father, hell he can call me whatever he wants, but he's going to need someone later in life and I'd like to be that someone. And honestly, I think you need me too. I'll be whatever you need - or want - me to be. Just say you need me and I'll be here."

My heart beat, like a caged bird, in my chest. "I don't know what I want you to be," I said softly, "but I think you're right. I think I need you too."

"So you'll stay then?"

I nodded. "I'll stay. Just promise you won't leave me too."

He slid out of the chair and came to kneel before me. Taking my face in his hands, he said, "I promise, Bella, I won't leave you too."

That night after I put Avery to bed, he and Embry were so cute together, Embry and I sat in the living room sipping wine and revisiting old times. When you put the two of them together it was so clear, so easy to see that they were father and son. That old adage was true in this instance; the apple really didn't fall far from the tree.

An acoustic version of Sweet Dreams by Beyonce was playing on the radio, and even though it was almost seventy five degrees this afternoon, the early spring chill had descended as the sun set and a log was burning low in the fireplace.

"So how was Forks?" Embry asked.

"It was good, nice to be home," I said.

"That's good. Your parents are okay?"

I nodded and swirled the wine in my glass. I watched the almost burgundy liquid swirl around the glass. "Everything there was good. It was the same as it always is. It was funny, there was one night, I woke up in the middle of the night and I climbed out of bed. Avery was asleep and the house was quiet."

"Mhmm."

"Well, I climbed out of bed and sat down at my desk, looking around; trying to figure out what woke me up, right." I stopped and took a sip of wine.

"Well, I looked out the window and the light in Jake's old room was on, and there were these three boys in there playing video games. I could hear them hollering and cursing. Well one boy got up and walked to the window and he looked out, up at me and smiled. It shook me to the core, you know. I used to sit there and watch you and Jake and Paul fight and argue over video games and somehow it was like Jake knew I was watching, he would always come to the window and smile. For a second the boy in the window was Jake and none of this had happened. Then I woke up the next morning and the cold reality was there. It was like a wakeup call. Then Sue's little monologue about life being like a road trip and detours, She said maybe you were where I was meant to be all along."

"That's interesting," Embry said. "What do you think? Am I where you were meant to be all along?"

"I have no idea. I have to think there's more to Jake's dying, but was it all really for us to just come back together? Don't you think that's a little cruel?"

Embry shook his head no. "The world works in ways we don't understand. There's some kind of order, rhyme or reason as to why these things happen. Who knows why, but if Jake's death brought us back together isn't it better to know that he died for a reason, rather than the luck of the draw, a tragic lottery."

I sighed. "All I know is he died and it hurts. Not as much as it did right after, but it hurts."

"Time, Bella," Embry said. "It takes time."

* * *

Embry left a few days later. Training camp was starting soon and he had commitments he had to fulfill in the few weeks before camp commenced. Avery and I did our own thing. We went to the park and out to lunch, read books, took Duke for long walks around the neighborhood. I hired someone to install an in ground pool.

I got a post card from Rosalie, Emmett was stationed in Japan now and she was pregnant with her first child, a little girl they were going to name Bailey Paige. Leah called to tell me she was getting married to a Spaniard named Bastien. They met after a soccer game when their scooters crashed. I was happy for her and told her to let me know when and where the wedding was.

Life moved on, everyone else's seemed to skip along, mine sort of just dragged. Embry called every night just to see how I was and to talk to Avery. The third week of May he asked us to come down for a visit. I agreed and packed up the car for a weekend long visit.

Tampa is a beautiful city; well the touristy parts are at least. Embry took the weekend and showed us around. At the end of the day that Saturday afternoon, he took us back to his condo. Avery ran around pushing all the buttons and watching in awe as a flat screen TV descended from the ceiling.

To me it was all a little to Dwayne Johnson in_ The Game Plan_ meets real life. The condo was cold; there were no personal touches, no definition of the person who lived here.

I turned, taking it all in when Embry snorted. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"What do you mean? Nothing's wrong, I'm fine," I said.

"No you're not," he chuckled. "Your nose is wrinkled like you just stepped in a huge pile of horse shit while wearing your favorite shoes."

"Language please," I warned, inclining my head in Avery's direction. "And I'm not making that face."

"Yes, you are. What's wrong, you don't like my house?"

"I didn't say that," I said as I sat down on a hard plastic chair. "It's just...not my taste."

Embry nodded. "I don't spend a lot of time here," he said, his cheeks a deep scarlet.

I wanted to reach up and run my fingers over his cheeks, erase the embarrassment that hid there. I wanted to ask exactly what my infidelity all those years ago did to him, but quite frankly I was too chicken shit. Instead of asking that burning question I said, "Why not?"

"No reason really. Normally I'm just busy doing other...stuff."

"Oh," I said.

"It's not important," he said brushing me off.

The words tumbled from my lips before I had the chance to stop them. "What happened after..."

"After that morning?" he asked.

I nodded.

"I don't want to talk about it," Embry said automatically.

"Em-"

"I don't want to talk about it Bella," he said more forcefully this time.

"Alright." I picked up my bottle of water and went to check on Avery.

He and Duke were lying on the floor watching SpongeBob. Duke was snoring lightly and Avery giggled softly as SpongeBob split his pants repeatedly, much to the crowds chagrin.

"Mommy are we sleeping here tonight?" he asked, rolling over to fix his hazel eyes on me.

I nodded. "Yes, we are. So, during the next commercial I want you to go put jammies on. Bed time is soon, okay?"

He nodded and rolled back over. I went to find Embry. He was down the end of the hall putting a blanket on the queen size bed in the guest room.

"Are you sure you're okay with us staying here?"

He nodded and tossed the blanket haphazardly across the bed. "Yeah, it's no big deal. Besides you won't find a hotel around here that will take that horse you call a dog."

I snorted softly, "Hey tell it to your friend. I said a small dog and got saddled with Mr. Ed instead."

"Yeah, it's okay for you two to stay here. I don't mind."

"Okay. But you know I wish you'd talk to me about the past."

He tugged at the corner of the blanket then faced me with shame filled eyes. "After Avery goes to bed," he said.

"Sure, after Avery goes to bed," I agreed then went off in search of a stiff drink. I had the feeling I was going to need it.

* * *

Embry and I sat opposite each other on the couch, a bottle of scotch on the table between us. Embry took a long swallow and started.

"You cheating on me really fucked me up," he said honestly.

I averted my eyes, unprepared for his honesty. I took a deep breath and prepared myself. It was about time I owned up to what I put him through.

"I'm sorry," I said, though I doubted it would do little good, I had no idea what else to say.

Embry waved me off. "It's too late for I'm sorries. Truthfully it doesn't even matter anymore. But at the time it really fucked me up. I just about lost everything I worked so hard for. I punched a wall and broke my hand, couldn't play the rest of the season almost, I got lucky when the NFL scouts came sniffing around and truthfully I didn't think I'd get picked in the draft, but Jones, my agent, said not to worry. But that's not the point. Okay, so I got picked by the Bucs, I came here and started playing. But, it didn't help, I saw you everywhere. Every girl I hooked up with was you in some shape form or fashion. I started drinking really heavily. For a while I started to believe that alcoholism is inherited, you know my dad-"

I nodded. "I remember."

"Yeah, well. Then there was that night in the bar. I saw you and at first I thought I had finally and truly gone crazy. But then you came up and talked to me. I think I went a little nuts after that. I got rip-roaring drunk for like a week straight, got completely delusional and during my lowest point I think I might have even seen you. I never, and I know you're like, yeah okay, but really Bella, I never got over you. There was always something keeping you attached to me. It was like, god I don't even know, but no matter what I did you were always there, always waiting just around the corner, or waiting at the end of a bar or the second to the last cheerleader. I just...I don't know. When my mom got sick, right before she died, I thought I saw you in the park, then when I got home Jake had called.

"It was just so crazy. I think I never got over you because part of me didn't want to. Then Jake died and you practically killed me in the cemetery and even still, some small part of me loved you. And then you called and asked me to come. Part of me hoped that helping you would close that chapter of my life and I could stop hating you and loving you and just let you go and move on with my life. Guess maybe we just came full circle, huh?"

I laughed, "What is it with that? You're the second one to refer to you and me coming full circle."

"Well we have. Look at where we started. You were sad and alone and we became friends, lovers - together for a season of the heart and apart. Now here we are again. You were sad and alone and I'd like to think we became friends again. Full circle."

"Well, when you look at it that way, then okay, yeah, full circle. But what happens now?"

Embry shrugged. "I don't know, it's a mystery."

I laughed. "I love that movie."

He smiled and said, "I know you do. You and your random love affair with Shakespeare. Why do you love that movie, they, Shakespeare and Viola, don't end up together."

"That's exactly why I love it," I said. "Because life isn't always happy endings and you don't always get what you want."

"Some lives are happy endings," Embry said. "Sometimes people get their happy endings."

"No they don't," I replied. "Look at us. Where are our happy endings?"

"When did you become such a cynic?" he asked. "You used to believe in love and the power of people in love and all that. What happened?"

"The fact that you even have to ask that is shameful," I replied. "Look at me Embry. I'm twenty seven, a widow and a single mom. There are no happy endings here. My Romeo scorned his poison and it still killed him, he still died. If ever there were a tale of woe, it would be of Bella and her Jake. I lost the ability to believe in love and the power of love and all that other bullshit when Jake got sick, when I found out my perfect little existence was little more than a house of cards waiting to tumble down around my ears at the slightest breeze."

"It is what it is Bella. Deal with it. Stop blaming Jake's death for your own misery. I refused to be party to your company. Get over it already. Whining and bitching isn't going to change the past or bring him back. The sooner you realize that the better off you'll be."

I stared incredulously at him. The nerve this bastard had, who did he think he was? I rose from my seat and stared down at him, flabbergasted.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

"No you unimaginable bastard. How, what, why - you don't have the right to say that to me! I'll be pissed off about Jake dying as long as I damned well want to be."

Embry stood and faced me, a sly smile on his face. "Of course you will be," he said sardonically. "That's your crutch, your shield. Keep everyone else out because it makes you feel good to be miserable."

"Yeah, listen to the pot call the kettle black. And how many meaningful relationships have you had?" I asked. "Oh that's right. None. Unless you could Johnny, Jack and Jose; and I'm the one with the crutch, the shield."

Embry rolled his eyes. "Yeah well at least Johnny, Jack and José are faithful."

"Oh yeah and let me guess, Johnny, Jack and José support everything you do, I bet they keep you real warm at night too, chase away the cold from the vacant side of your bed where your boyfriend should be, but instead he's out chasing a dream that means nothing to him."

"Is that why you did it?" Embry demanded. "Is that why you slept with Jake?"

"Yes, that's why I slept with Jake. I slept with him because he was there, which you never were. You were too busy chasing the next gig or playing a game is some far away city. I didn't care about the games, but for fucks sake Embry. You were too goddamn busy to come see my art hanging in a museum or the last play of my life, and it was my favorite play, the one I'd waited my whole life to perform in. Jake was there, where were you?"

"Sitting at home with a dead car battery!" he roared.

"Keep your voice down, my - our," I corrected, "son is asleep."

"And Jesus Bella, I tried to be there for everything you did, but let's face it, we were both selfish, wanting our accomplishments to be the most important."

"Oh hell no," I muttered. "Yeah, pin the blame on me. Whatever. Just admit you didn't care, that my art or my plays weren't nearly as important to you as your band or whatever was."

Embry sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "This is fucking stupid."

"Yeah no shit. This is stupid. We're stupid to think...there's just too much damn baggage," I muttered.

"I meant stupid we're fighting about shit that happened six, seven years ago. It's in the past, what fucking good is fighting about it going to do?"

I shrugged my shoulders. It was our dirty laundry, it needed to be aired or else it would continue to sit in the corners stinking up the room. "I have no idea. But it's not my fault."

"God damn it Bella, it doesn't matter whose fault it is."

I rolled my eyes. "Right, of course not. I cheated on you because I felt ignored and unloved and I slept with and married your best friend and it doesn't matter."

Embry crossed the room, he stood a hairsbreadth away. His stomach touched mine when he exhaled, that's how close we were. "It doesn't matter," he said softly, "because it can't be changed. It happened, get over it and move on."

"So that's it," I replied, "just get over, accept that it happened and forget about it?" my chest rose and fell, heavy anticipation made it hard to breath. We were standing so close, all I would have to do is lean in -well maybe grab a chair or a stool - and kiss him. I wanted to, but something held me back. Embry's tongue flicked over his lips, contemplation washed over his eyes. I took a shaky breath, waiting for something, anything, to happen.

"Yeah, that's it," he murmured.

"Oh," I said, our lips coming together like the pull of two magnets. His lips, warm and familiar, were almost like coming home. It was like a dip in the pool on a hot summer's day.

Embry's arms wrapped around my waist, crushing our chests together, so close our hearts beat almost as one, his beat a half second faster than my own. I closed my eyes and parted my lips, welcoming his tongue, allowing it to explore, and wrapped my arms around his neck.

Hands travelled up my back, wrapped around the tendrils of my hair, pulling me closer, tilting my head allowing easier access. I moaned as a spark of desire travelled down my spine, electrifying me senses.

The spark shocked me back to the here and now. I pulled away, embarrassed and slightly ashamed. "I'm sorry," I whispered, untangling my hands from Embry's neck. "I'm sorry," I said again. "I can't...not yet. Goodnight."

I scurried down the hall and slipped into the dim light room. I shut the door quietly behind me and leaned against it.

Was it so wrong, to want to kiss Embry, and like it?

And if it was wrong why did it feel so right?

* * *

**Reviews are better than all that crap between Bella and Embry being out in the open so they can finally move on**

Love in the Remains - Dave Barnes


	34. Last Second Chance

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

Sorry that this wasn't up yesterday...I actually re-wrote this whole chapter because after re-reading the last one it didn't feel like the past was really okay between the two of them and the idea that maybe they both needed some professional help started to look better and better. But anyways...hopefully back to regular daily updates now...

**Bella**

"Back when Jake first got sick I used to wonder…all kinds of things. I wondered if he was really going to die and if he did what would my life be like without him. I wondered how I would be able to go on without him, how I'd be able to just…move on, go on as if I'd never loved him.

Then he was gone and I just fell apart. I spent so much time wondering when I'd get over it, _if_ I'd get over it. I wondered if there'd be a light at the end of the tunnel."

The tissue clutched between my hands was crumbling as I wrung it, twisting it around into a point, and dabbing my eyes. Across from me, Liam's pen scratched against the pad propped on his knee. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, continuing. "Lately, though, I think I'm seeing it." I stopped and glanced over Liam's shoulder, out the window. He cocked his head to the side quizzically but didn't say a word. "The light at the end of the tunnel," I clarified.

Liam nodded once and I sighed. "Most of the time it's just a glimmer, like a figment of my imagination. I can see it off in the distance, some days I think I see it, and others, well, it's a little bit harder to believe."

I stopped and listened as Liam furiously scribbled, trying to annotate my every word. I failed to see what was so important about my pain, but I figured it would help him help me. He was, after all, the professional.

After the night at Embry's where we had it out in his living room, I decided it was time to see a professional. My husband died, my parents died, my son belonged to my ex-boyfriend, my life was...insane, and unless _I_ wanted to be insane as well, it was time to ask for a helping hand so I sat down with the phone book open in front of me and searched for a therapist. The first one I found was Irina Heparin. I laughed aloud as I read her name and continued searching for a therapist whose last name _didn't _sound like some kind of genital warts medication.

That's how I found Liam; his was the last name on the last page of the phone book. No fancy ad, no ridiculous gimmick, just a name and a number, as vanilla as the extract in my spice cabinet. And that was what sold me. I picked up the phone and called him, scheduling an appointment. And here I was now, sitting across from a middle-aged man who looked like Simon Baker, sounded like Pierce Brosnan and had a quiet charm and ease as if I'd know him my whole life. It made the experience easier, it made telling him my issues easier.

"Anything else you want to add?" Liam asked.

I nodded and said, "You know, hindsight is fifty-fifty, right?" Liam nodded and I continued. "I wish I knew that then, you know, what I know now. I wish I knew that as hard as this was going to be I could, and would, handle it, that life isn't always what you think it's supposed to be. Life is what it is and you cherish the moments you have because who knows when they'll be gone. Or some other Hallmark inspired B.S."

"But you're here. Is it safe to say you _aren't_ handling it? At least not as well as you thought you were."

I shrugged. "You could say that, but I'm not here just because Jake died. There's so much more to it than that. There's Embry, there's the past, and there's my parents. There's all this stuff that some days it's just too much to bear."

Liam nodded, his pen scratching the paper. "So what about Jake's death? Did you handle it? Are you handling it?"

I picked at a hangnail and avoided his gaze. "When I look back at the months after Jake's death I think I acted a bit irrationally. But really is there, and if there is, what is, the protocol exactly, when dealing with the death of your husband? How much time is enough time to grieve?"

Heavy silence hung between us as I thought about the last six months. Six months had passed since Jake died. Most days I found that hard to believe.

"What are you thinking about?" Liam inquired.

"The last few months," I replied staring down at my hands. "Six months," I murmured and held up six fingers, staring at the extended digits. "Six very long, very hard months."

I shook my head, suddenly sad. "Is that enough time?" I asked. "Can I start picking up the pieces of my life? Can I start going out with my friends again, start dating?"

"I think the answer lies within you," Liam responded. "Do you feel like it's time to date, or go out with friends; pick up the pieces of your life?"

I exhaled loudly and pushed the toe of my sneaker into the plush brown carpet. "I need a manual, something that explains how all this works and I need a magic pill to dissolve the guilt I'm feeling."

"The guilt?" Liam questioned.

Ah yes, the guilt. It settled quite comfortably into my gut and decided it was going to stick around for a while. It was just a kiss, I fumed mentally. The more I reminded myself of that fact, the guiltier I felt; which was just ridiculous and to top it all off, Embry was mad. Well mad seemed a bit harsh, maybe upset or put off about my whole I-kissed-you- in-your-living-room-then-locked-myself-in-your-guestroom-and-fled-at-dawn-and-all-I-left-you-was-this-letter behavior. Not that I blamed him, I was a bit pissed at myself too. I sighed when deep down all I really wanted to do was scream. I wanted answers or absolution.

"I feel guilty for feeling something for Embry."

"Embry is your ex, you son's father?"

I nodded. "Yes. He came to help take care of me and old feelings were rather stirred up within me, and I guess him as well. There's so much between us, so much history I just don't know."

Liam nodded and looked up at me. "Do you think he would be willing to come in for a session with you? It might help the both of you move past the past."

"I can't say he would or wouldn't but I can ask him."

"Okay," Liam nodded. "You find out about that and give Siobhan a call and she can schedule that session for you. That's our time for today. Make sure you make another appointment and I'll see you next week."

I thanked him and walked to the door, stopping at the receptionist's desk on my way out. "Same time next week?" she asked.

I nodded and accepted the small appointment card she handed me. "See you next week," I called shoving the card into my bag.

"Have a nice afternoon," she replied.

* * *

I walked through the silent house, padding quietly to the front door. I yawned as my fingers closed around the cool brass doorknob and checked the lock. Walking back toward the stairs, I shut the light off and blew out the Sun & Sand Yankee Candle that was burning on the end table.

I thought about Embry as I climbed up the stairs. I wanted it all, I wanted happiness and I wanted him, and I wanted to feel good again. I wanted it all and yet I was too afraid to stand up and snatch the brass ring. Rather, I sat idly by as my horse made its never-ending journey round and round on the carousel.

Duke's toenails clicked on the kitchen floor, the sound changed as he trotted down the short hallway. I paused on the stairs and patted my leg, calling to the dog. Duke nudged my hand with his wet nose and the two of us climbed the stairs. The house was quiet save for the symphony of crickets conducting their summer song in the yard.

At the top of the stairs, Duke and I went into Avery's room. I glanced down at him nestled in his bed, his left thumb in his mouth. He suckled at it briefly before I gently removed it and tucked the blanket in around him. "Good night, sweet prince," I whispered. I glanced down at him once more before leaving. I liked watching him sleep. His peacefulness was contagious.

Finally, I shut the door and walked toward my room. I stood in my own doorway for a second before entering the room. Even after all this time it still felt wrong to sleep in there alone. Exhaling slowly I crossed the threshold, entering the room; Duke followed, his nose pressed to the floor. After circling the bed once he jumped up, turned around twice, then flopped down on Jake's side of the bed.

I kicked my shoes off, changed into a pair of soft cotton pajamas, and then followed suit, climbing into the bed beside Duke. I lay there, staring at the ceiling as the dog lay beside me, sighing occasionally. Uncomfortable, I rolled over, rearranging the blankets, and glanced at Duke. "What do I do?" I asked him.

Duke cocked his head to the side and stared at me with watery brown eyes that seemed to ask, "Do about what, Bella?"

I sighed and said, "About Jake and Embry." At the mention of Jake's name, Duke's tail thumped against the bed. "Jake's gone and Embry is Avery's dad but is that enough of a reason to be with someone?"

Coincidentally, Duke shook his head no, sending slobber flying everywhere. "Thanks," I said wiping the saliva off my face. I snorted softly as the realization sank in. I was asking my dog, my _dog_ for love life advice. That could not be normal.

On the bedside table, my cell phone chirped softly. I didn't have to pick it up to know who it was. He called every night since the night in Tampa, and being the coward that I was, I didn't answer. Hell, most nights I would press the ignore button on my cell phone, roll over and shut my eyes tight and pretend to be asleep, as if Embry could see me. Then came the tell tale chime of the voicemail.

I would roll back over then, peering at the phone's illuminated screen glowing like a beacon of hope in the darkness. The white box glowed: _New Voicemail message. Listen now?_

_No,_ I always thought to myself and I would roll back over, determined to ignore the message. I would lie in bed trying to sleep unsuccessfully and after a few hours of tossing and turning, I would snatch the phone off the table and press it to my ear, greedily drinking in the contents of the message.

The first time he called his message simply said, "Please call me back Bella. We can act as if nothing happened if that's what you want. Just call me back."

It was the simplest message he would leave. Every night after that, he called and every night I would ignore it, toss and turn then cower beneath the covers as I listened to his message. One night the telling chime raised me out of a deep sleep, the message alert like a siren song luring me into the depths of the unknown.

The more he called the sweeter the messages became. He would tell little stories from the past, funny anecdotes, and even the not so funny stories. One night he recalled the time he and Jake found me in the cemetery – a place I inadvertently fled to after he and I had gotten into a fight. One night he even played a song he wrote; I sat in the middle of bed, the phone in one hand, a decorative pillow in the other and tears streaming down my face as he sang about eyes weeping and tears unseen.

Tonight though, I seriously thought about answering the phone. My fingers hovered over the phone, trembling with a ridiculous fear and uncertainty.

_Will you, won't you, won't you, will you won't you join the dance? _My subconscious whispered, mocking a song from that freaky new _Alice in Wonderland_ movie.

Before I had the chance to make up _my_ mind, Embry made up his. The phone stopped ringing and I pulled my hand back as if I'd been burned. I sat there, huddled beneath the covers waiting for the voicemail chime, but it didn't come.

I had the feeling my reserve of second chances was fleeting fast. I lay back down, staring up at the ceiling. My mind traveled to Jake, across the great divide, past the place where life and death met.

_No!_ I commanded. _We are _not_ going there. I'm so sick of being _that_ person- of missing Jake or thinking about him and wondering "what if?" I don't want to keep hanging onto him because I'm scared to lose him. I just want to be happy; is that so damn difficult?_

In that instant I made a decision, I rolled over and grabbed the phone off the table, flipped it open and quickly pressed the illuminated numbers before I lost my nerve. Raising the phone to my ear, I waited, listening as it rang.

One ring

Two

Three

Four

Worry wormed its way into my stomach, working away at my nerves. By the fifth ring, I figured I'd blown my chance until I heard, "Hello?" very softly in my ear.

"Hi," I whispered back.

"I was wondering when you were going to answer."

"Yeah, sorry about that; I was wrestling with my conscience. And besides, I called you," I replied.

"Eh, beside the point." He sounded like he was lying in bed as well, in the background I heard music playing. "Who's winning?" he asked.

Good question. "I'm not really sure. Right now I think I am, but when I'm a hundred percent sure I'll let you know," I laughed softly. Embry chuckled, then became quiet. "How's camp?" I asked.

He groaned. "It's been hell. We have a new head coach, a lot of the guys are pissed off that the old coach was fired and they're acting like immature assholes. It'll be a miracle if we win any games this year."

"That sucks. I hope they can pull it together and do their jobs."

"Here's to hoping," he replied. "But enough about me how are you?"

"I went to see a therapist today." Silence hummed over 250 miles of communication space. It probably wasn't the smartest thing to say, I doubted he cared about my mental woes, but I thought it was important he knew.

"Oh yeah?"

"Mhmm."

"How was it?"

"It was good. It was a pain in the ass finding a shrink who sounded like a normal person and not some kind of undercover drug rep."

"What do you mean?"

"Well when I looked in the phone book they all had these wacky last names. Heparin, Toksasil, Detrollay. They all sound like some kind of medicine, it was unnerving."

Embry laughed and said, "So what's the doctor's name you're seeing?"

"Liam Walker. Nice, normal name for a nice, normal man. He thinks we should go in together, you know, to deal with the past." Embry was silent. I bit my lip mentally cursing myself for jumping right into that. "But if you don't want to that's totally okay. I was just saying it because he said it."

"No, I think it might be a good idea. I mean, obviously we still have some issues with all that stuff, maybe it's best if we do see someone who can help us deal with it."

I sighed in relief. I was so worried he was going to freak out and have a hissy fit or something like that. "Okay, well you let me know when it's a good time for you and I'll schedule that."

"Alright. But aside from the shrink, how are you really?"

"Eh, you know. Just trying to navigate this minefield called life after widowhood."

Embry laughed and asked, "How's that going?"

I smiled. "So far so good. I've managed to stay alive this long. It's just all the other stuff. I mean how long am I supposed to be all, boo hoo my husband just died, god forbid I even smile, for?"

"I don't really know Bella," Embry said. "But if you want my advice you should be, and act, however you feel. If you feel bad, feel bad. If you're happy, be happy and fuck what everyone else says. It's your life, not theirs."

If only it were that easy. I felt like everyone everywhere was judging me. Maybe my own conscience was judging me. "I'll figure it out," I told him. _I always do_, I thought.

* * *

Two weeks later Embry made it up for a trip to see Liam with me. The two of us sat on a plush brown microfiber couch across from Liam. I nervously wrung my hands, afraid of what kind of damage this little session was going to do, but I hoped that in the end we would finally be able to move past the past.

"So tell me what happened the last time you two saw each other," Liam prompted.

I glanced at Embry who was gazing at me. "Well, we got into an argument about what happened back in college," I began.

"Then I kissed her and she locked herself in my guest room and left at dawn, leaving me a note saying she was sorry."

"What happened in college?" Liam asked.

Oh here we go, I thought, my stomach twisted anxiously. Neither of us said anything. I looked at the floor and Embry was looking at a shelf above the doctor's head.

"We need to talk about," Liam said gently. "The only way to deal with this type of thing is talk about; recognize each other's feelings and gain acceptance and forgiveness. So both of you tell me your side of the story, Embry you go first."

Embry gulped and launched into his story of Bella and Embry part two: the college years. I listened as he explained what happened, his telling of the story was accurate, but this time I got to see how college affected him.

When it was my turn, I told my side of the tale, how his ignoring me and being too busy affected me. When I got to the part about Jake, Embry clasped my hand in his, his thumb rubbing circles across the top of my hand.

As I finished my side of the story, Embry looked down at me and said, "You really loved him, didn't you?"

I shrugged helplessly and nodded. "I never meant to," I offered. "It just sort of happened and I didn't even know it." I stopped as he winced. "I'm sorry," I said softly. "This has to be hard for you to hear."

"Is this hard to hear Embry?" Liam asked.

Embry shrugged and turned toward the doctor, "it is, but I'll get over it."

"Do you really think so?"

Embry nodded. "Of course."

Liam frowned and said, "How long ago was college?"

"Eight years ago, this all happened our senior year of college, so what five, six years ago?"

"Okay, and in the five or six years that have passed since that night, have you, Embry, gotten over it?"

The three of us sat in silence as Liam's words hung heavy on Embry. Slowly, he shook his head no. "I never dealt with it," he finally said.

"Why not?"

Embry shrugged. "I really don't know why. It's sort of been something that's driven me, making me be king shit of turd mountain, I guess in a way I was trying to rub her face in all that I've accomplished. But really, if that's not it, then I don't know why I never dealt with it."

Liam turned to me. "Bella," he said, "have you ever apologized for your part in this?"

I gaped at him. My part? How was any of this my fault?

"You look partly enraged and partly confused," Liam said. "Why is that?"

"What do I have to apologize for?" I asked indignantly.

"You slept with your boyfriend's best friend, while you were still dating him. How would you have felt if Embry slept with your best friend and you walked in to find them in bed together?"

I thought about how I would have felt if I had ever walked in to find Embry and Rose in bed together. I probably would have killed them both and suddenly I felt damn stupid, not to mention immature, in thinking, this whole thing was all Embry's fault and not any fault of my own. "You're right," I said to Liam. I turned to Embry and said, "I'm sorry for betraying you, your trust. I was wrong and I was so pissed at you that I thought I was right and thought that what I did to you was what you deserved. I'm sorry and I don't think I can ever say it enough."

Embry reached up and wiped a tear away from my eye. "I accept your apology," he said softly. "I apologize for not being what you needed then. You needed a boyfriend who paid attention to you and cared about you and I was selfish and only cared about myself. I'm sorry, I don't expect to be forgiven – for anything I've done or said to you since that day, but I am deeply sorry."

"I accept your apology," I replied.

"I want you to know that this isn't a magic pill," Liam said. "Just because it's out there doesn't mean it's gone away. It's going to take time for you two to get back to wherever you are trying to be. You two still have a ways to go."

I glanced up at Embry who smiled down at me. We might have had a way to go, but we had finally taken the first steps towards getting there and there was no more dirty little secrets cluttering up the corners of our relationship – whatever that relationship was.

* * *

That night after Avery had come home from school, dinner had been served and put away and the dog had been fed, Embry and I were sitting in the living room, Avery was asleep on the floor, The Flintstones playing on the television.

"So that was good today, right?"

I nodded. "It was. I think we got it all out there, everything that we kept to ourselves, and we got it out without screaming at each other or blaming each other. I am sorry that I never apologized before, I just never felt like I was wrong, though I so obviously was."

"It's okay," he said. "It is what it is. The important thing is that we both apologized to each other now. You know, I always thought I was exactly what you needed. All the time, I thought that whatever you needed I could be it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I always thought I was what was best for you. Honestly, I still do. I think I could always be whatever you needed."

I shifted my position on the couch, tucking my knees under me, I faced him. "I mean what makes you think you can handle being everything to me? Being whatever I need?"

"Because I've done it before. I was your friend - your only friend, when you came to Forks. I was there for you through all the crap you and Leah put each other through, the party, then the cemetery, then you and Jake act one, Esme coming to try to take you back to Jacksonville. I was there for it all, always trying to be what you needed. I've already been everything you could've possible needed - friend, confidant, lover, chauffer. I don't know what more you could need, or want, from me, Bella."

Here we were now, hovering on this precipice. It was time to, as my grandfather used to say, shit or get off the pot. Fear rose up in my throat, part of me wanted to move, to stop talking it to death, to stop feeling it. Then there was another part of me that still refused to believe the simple truth – that Jake was gone and nothing was as it seemed.

Everything I needed. Could one person be everything another person needed? I didn't know, but there was a small part of me that wanted to find out, that small part was also the part that was sick of the back and forth dance, a quadrille that went on with two living person, the memory of the past and a ghost. It was starting to get old. Really old.

I looked at Embry. He'd given so much of himself to me, for me, the least I could do was try. I could try to be what _he_ needed, whatever he needed. I looked up at him and said, "I think we should try to be what each other needs. I think that maybe, if we take this slow, we might make it this time around. What do you say?"

He leaned down and kissed me softly, his lips like a whisper against mine. "I think that might work," he replied.

* * *

**Reviews are better than finally seeing that shrink you've been avoiding : )**

So I know six months isn't a lot of time to just pick up and move on, but I think its enough time to start feeling like its time to start (at least) picking up the pieces). And as far as Bella moving back to Forks...it was an idea..but she isn't...if I know one thing I know that when times are hard you can't go running home...you have to stand up and fight, you have to fight against the hard times because if you don't you become weak and I am not a weak person...I'm a fighter and I think that for once, she needs to stay and fight for herself...yes, Embry might help, but it takes a great deal of courage to ask for help..but for once, I think this is something she is going to have to work out for herself...As always I love hearing your comments : )

Last Second Chance - This Beautiful Republic


	35. You Can't Always Get What You Want

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

To answer the question, yes, they are going to tell Avery that Embry's his dad...just not yet...(because I haven't quite figured that one out yet..lol)...sorry there was no update yesterday...I have to re-write these last few chapters because of the changes I made to the last chapter...it's all good though, because they were really, really bad...lol..so the updates might be every other day from here on out...just giving you a heads up...and as always, love you all for (still) reading

**Bella**

I told Embry I wanted to leave Florida, leave Jacksonville, and go back to Forks. But when I went to the real estate agent's office to list the house, I stood on the sidewalk staring through the plate glass windows at the women in their smart little suits with their perfectly frosted hair twisted just right into a chignon, their brightly painted lips emitting false laughter and I couldn't do it. I couldn't walk in there and pretend as if I was one of them, pretend to smile and act like selling my home was something I wanted to do.

I just couldn't do it.

Selling was such a permanent choice and I wasn't sure I was ready to make such an indissoluble decision. I turned and walked away from the real estate office without even going in. I went back to my Jacksonville house and sat in the kitchen looking around at everything that had managed to find its way in over the last few years.

The kitchen was a red that reminded me of new bricks. The white cabinets had brushed nickel knobs, the brick backsplash that was as brick as I was blond – it was a roll of flat, brick like stones glued to a mesh like material that had been glued to the wall and filled in with mortar – Jake and I had a blast installing it. The whole effect reminded me of some Tuscan kitchen and it was calming to be in, but I wasn't so sure it was what I wanted anymore.

_You could always redecorate, _my subconscious piped up_. You don't have to move. _

I shook my head and got up. Redecorating wasn't going to change anything. It was like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. It would cover up what happened but not change it. I felt, not sad, more like bereaved or bereft, as if something was missing, something that a new coat of paint wouldn't fix. I wrapped my arms around myself as I went wandering into the family room taking in its taupe walls and soft carpet. The sofa was worn and covered in dog hair and crusty baby slobber. This was Jake and Avery's space they watched TV in here and played games or just hung out.

I continued the journey around, walking into the living room then down the hall and past the offices. It made me sad, the echoes of what could have, hell what should have, been but would never be. I pushed the thought out of my head. There was no use focusing on the negative, on the things that couldn't be changed, at least that's what Liam said. He said there was no use dwelling in the past unless you housed a time machine in your garage and could back and change it. I did not, however, own a time machine, so his advice for me was to keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.

I finished the circuit back to the kitchen and sat back down. I could keep the house; it wasn't as if I couldn't afford it and the beach house. I could keep it and just move down to the beach house, live there until I figured out what to do with this house. I should just get over it, sell the damn thing, and donate the money from the sale to the American Cancer Society the same way I donated the life insurance money.

We stayed in Jacksonville until the start of the summer, then I packed up and drove the thirty-eight miles to Saint Augustine. Traffic was thick as we crept toward the oceanfront, the tourist season was in full swing, and pale northerners crowded every street corner, their pasty white legs protruding from the bottoms of the Bermuda shorts. Brightly colored Hawaiian shirts and the smell of sunscreen signaled the official start of summer around here. In the back seat, Avery sang along with Jason Mraz.

I glanced at my almost five-year-old son. He was a smart kid, with a good heart. I smiled at him as he stuck his tongue out at me and asked, "Are we there yet?"

I shook my head no and said, "Almost."

Avery sighed and picked up the song. I followed behind a minivan with a New Jersey license plate toward the intersection, silently praying the light stayed green long enough for me to turn left. That was all that stood between freedom and me, one left turn. The gods heard my plea, the light remained green and I turned onto the street that led to our house, which was, thankfully, completely vacant. I sped up and we were at our house in no time at all.

Once in the driveway, boy and dog flew out of the backseat making a beeline for the backyard. "Don't worry about me," I mumbled, "I'll unload the car."

There were times when the sadness was like a dark cloud, hovering just over the horizon, but always threatening to ruin the picnic. I could see it coming at me as I carried a heavy duffel bag up the stairs toward Avery's room. I didn't know how single parents did it on their own. It was…hard, having to do everything by yourself, it was hard and it was exhausting.

I dropped the duffel bag at the foot of Avery's bed and sighed, running my hands through my hair. I missed Embry. I hadn't seen him in almost a month. He was busy, football practice and all the stuff he did. I tried to understand but I was lonely. My days consisted of taking Avery to pre-k, going to see Liam three times a week and watching daytime television.

I peered out the window, watching Avery and Duke run around the backyard, then I set about putting the house in order. While I unpacked, I thought about Embry. I'd chosen him rather than clinging to the memory of Jake. We talked on the phone almost every night and it was nice getting to know him again, but I felt like there needed to be more. Something between us was missing. Only what, though, I didn't know.

That night after dinner, the radio was playing, I was sitting on the couch looking at a magazine, Avery was on the floor coloring. After a few minutes of easy silence, he got up and climbed onto the couch, laying his head on my shoulder.

"Mommy," he said, "Can I ask you a question?"

I set the magazine down on the coffee table and snuggled closer to Avery. "Of course you can Monster. What's up?"

"Well," he began, "Embry used to come visit us all the time, then not so much. Does he not like us anymore?"

I searched my brain for a quick, acceptable answer. "Um, well," I fumbled. "He's just been busy, you know, with work and stuff."

"Oh." He was quiet for a moment, picking at a scab on his knee. "Mommy I have another question."

"Okay."

"How come he used to visit so much?"

"Well, we were friends a long time ago, but something happened and we weren't able to see one another, but now we are. We missed each other a lot, so that's why he came to visit all the time. Well that and he wanted to help."

"Help with what?"

"Stuff you wouldn't understand yet buddy; grown up stuff."

"Stuff about Daddy?"

I nodded my head and ruffled Avery's hair. "That's part of it. Do you miss daddy?"

Avery nodded his deep blue eyes somber. "I miss him all the time Mommy. Sometimes I see him, but not a lot anymore. Where did daddy go?"

I hated when he asked questions like that. I hated it because I didn't know where Jake was, I didn't know if he was in heaven, if there even _was_ a heaven, or if his spirit still roamed the earth, so I lied. "Daddy's in heaven, with God and all the angels," I told my son.

"Does God take care of him?" he asked.

_I sure as hell hope so,_ I thought, and said, "of course he does. God loves us all; it's his job to take care of us once we get to heaven."

"Why couldn't God let daddy live?"

Serious question for a five year old. "Well bud, I'm not really sure. I'm sure god had a good reason for making daddy go to heaven."

"It's not fair," Avery said.

"I know it's not, but that's just the way it is. Someday we'll find out why it happened. Until then we just have to know that daddy's in a better place, where he's not sick, and he doesn't have to take any medicine."

"I guess that's okay then, I mean as long as he's not sick anymore."

"Nope, daddy's not sick anymore," I told him.

"Good. So back to Embry. He sleeps over because it helps you or is it because he likes our couch, 'cause it's not really that comfortable."

I laughed in agreement. No, our couch wasn't that comfortable, but I couldn't tell my son that he stayed because some deep down part of us was still in love with the other. So instead, I said, "Would you rather he not stay with us?"

Avery shook his head no fervently. "I like it when he stays he tells me funny stories. Mommy do you love Embry?"

I glanced at him, eyes wide with surprise. Did I love Embry? Yes, I was certain some part of me loved him. Could I tell my son that? Probably not. "I do love Embry," I said diplomatically, "but not like I loved your daddy. Does that make sense?"

"I think so," Avery replied. "Its like how I love broccoli and carrots, but I love broccoli more."

"Exactly," I said.

"Okay. Can I go outside and play?"

I nodded. Avery jumped off the couch and rand down the stairs. "Stay in the yard and come in when the streetlights come on," I called absentmindedly.

I longed for the days of childhood, the days where your mind could bounce from one topic to the next, lingering momentarily like a butterfly on the soft, delicate petals of a rose collecting what it needed before flitting off to the next flower. That's how a child's mind worked one topic to the next until they moved on to something completely different. I envied him that, I wanted the ability to forget what I'd been through. But like Mick Jagger says, you can't always get what you want.

I went to the window and gazed down over the yard. Avery was in the back yard with Keith Richards –a cruel joke on his parent's part- the little boy from next door, and his sister Amelia. They looked like they were playing some revised game of tag.

I watched until the ringing phone dragged me away. "Hello?" I said softly.

"Hi," Embry said.

"How are you? I miss you."

"I'm exhausted, we've been practicing like crazy, and it's hot…it's just a stressful time of the year. It'll be better once the season starts. How are you guys?"

I sighed. I didn't want to be a buzz kill or a nag or the person who complains all the time. I exhaled and said, "We've moved to the beach house. I went to the real estate agents office to list the house in Jacksonville but I couldn't do it. I tried, but I couldn't do it. Aside from that, we're just kind of tripping along easily here."

"You sound upset, is everything okay?"

I shrugged, forgetting for a moment that he couldn't see me. "I just feel kind of, I dunno, out of it. One minute I'm okay, then I'm not, then I am. I have to go see Liam this week and see if he can recommend someone down here. It's just been kind of tough, you know."

"I know," Embry sighed. "I'm sorry, I wish there was something I could do."

"It's okay," I said, "I'll be fine, just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other, you know?"

"Mhmm, I know."

We talked for a little longer, then I noticed it was getting dark and went to the patio calling down to Avery. "Alright," I said, "I've got to get going. Maybe we can get together soon, I miss seeing you."

"I miss you too," Embry said. "I'll look at my schedule and see what I can do then I'll get back to you."

"Okay. Talk to you soon."

"Night Bella."

"Night."

* * *

The summer passed too quickly as there were many things to do before August's arrival. Avery was starting kindergarten and would need doctor's appointments, shots, and physicals then I had to register him for school. As I stood in the air-conditioned front office R.B. Hunt Elementary I was struck by the sudden realization that my baby was no longer and baby; it was a realization that almost made me break down and cry.

The first day of school came too soon. Embry and I drove him for his first day. I half-expected tears and a fit, but he was calm as we walked toward his classroom. Outside the door, I knelt down before him and tugged at the hem of his shirt. "You're going to have so much fun today. You're going to make a lot of friends and have so much fun."

"You said that already mom," Avery said impatiently.

I smiled and smoothed the front of his tee shirt again. "I know I did Monster." I blinked back the tears. Embry put his hand on my back, his thumb rubbing circles through the thin material of my tank top.

I wished Jake were here. He would know exactly what to do and say. He wasn't though. I stood up and stepped back. "Okay then, go on, have fun and behave or so help me."

"I will mom," he called.

"Monster, say bye to Embry," I scolded.

He ran back, his sneakers pounding the tile floor. "Bye Embry," he said, throwing his arms around Embry's waist.

"Bye kid. Behave okay, and remember what I told you." He dropped his voice to a conspiratorial whisper and said, "About the babes, chicks dig good guys."

"I know Uncle Embry," Avery giggled.

I watched as he hugged Embry again and disappeared into his classroom. A group of boys in the back corner who were playing with some brightly colored legos instantly sucked him into boy land. Embry wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. "Are you alright?" he asked.

I wiped my eyes and nodded. I told myself I wasn't going to cry, that it was just the first day of school and nothing worth crying over, but here I was blubbering like the mail carrier just ran over my dog.

"Why are you crying?" Embry asked, "Well, I mean besides the obvious reason that is."

I sniffed and wiped at a tear that was trailing down my cheek. "That's my baby," I said pointing at Avery. "Once upon a short time ago, he was this itty bitty helpless little thing and now look at him. Pretty soon he won't need me as much, hell – oops," I covered my mouth and looked around for a teacher. In the clear, I continued, "he won't need me at all."

"You're his mom," Embry said, "He'll always need you. They don't call them momma's boys for nothing."

"Ahh, touché," I smiled. Overhead a nasally bell rang. The remaining parents filed out of the hallway and out toward the parking lot.

With his arm still around my shoulders, Embry and I walked toward the car. "So, a few months ago, I can't believe I haven't seen you since then, Avery asked me why you always came to see us."

"What did you tell him?"

"The truth, well most of it at least. I told him that we were friends, and that we hadn't really talked these last few years and we missed each other and that you helped me. He asked me if I loved you."

"Yeah?"

"Mhmm. I told him that I loved you, but differently than I loved Jake. He seemed to understand, but here's your heads up that he's onto us."

Embry laughed and unlocked the car. "You say that like we're undercover spy's and our covers been blown."

"Hasn't it?"

"I hardly doubt it's that serious. He's a good kid, he'll understand if we tell him we love each other and want to be together."

"Maybe. I'm just afraid it's too soon, you know."

Embry nodded. "Maybe it is, but we all have to start living sometime. Trust me, it'll be okay."

"Okay," I murmured. I turned in my seat and stared out the window. I said it once and I'd say it again. I wished this confusion and the feelings of deceit would just go the hell away and let me live my life.

Traffic was light on our way back home. Around the corner from the house, Embry stopped and bought me a Bavarian crème filled donut and an iced latte from Dunkin Donuts. I accepted the sweets and smiled gratefully but still felt like something was amiss.

When we got home, I let the dog out, climbed the stairs dropping my purse and coffee on the table at the top of the stairs, and went to my art closet, donut in hand.

"What are you doing?" Embry asked standing in the doorway.

"I'm painting," I replied. "I feel weird and I think I need to paint. It'll make me feel better."

"What are you going to paint?" Embry asked.

I shrugged and walked past him, flicking the radio on in the process. "I'm not sure. I guess I'll know it once I paint it." I grabbed a can off the counter and filled it with tap water, grabbed my paint-stained towel and carried the towel, and the can to the porch and set them on the railing before going back to the closet.

I loved the paint closet. It had that linen closet smell, minus the linen. I loved that smell. It was one smell that never changed, no matter whose house you were in. I reached into a metal bin and grabbed a handful of random colors. One was a soft orange, no quite peach but more like the sky at sunset. Another was canary yellow, vibrant, and bright. The third was a soft pink, like a brand new ballet slipper. The fourth was a red that was garish in comparison, but for some reason it worked. I carried the colors to the porch, setting them down next to the can of water. I went back inside for a canvas, humming along to John Mayer as I searched for a canvas.

I loved the song that was playing. In a way, it reminded me of me. The lyrics, well one line in particular, did it. _Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me. For all of my trying, we still end up dying, how can it be?_ That was Jake.

_Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me._ That was Embry.

_I want you so bad…steady my breathing, silently screaming I have to have you now._ What my head screamed every time I looked at Embry.

_I'll go back on the things I believe. _What my heart said every time my head screamed gimme, gimme.

I looked over my shoulder at Embry. His back was to me, his phone pressed against his ear. He'd been with me since December, we'd been dating since May, and we hadn't even come close to the edge of _that _desire. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to, but my own stupid brain got in the way, and I found myself tangled in a web of my own sticky emotions.

I sat down in my chair, my back to Embry and set my canvas on the small plastic table, leaning it against the porch railing. Overhead, the steamy August sun beat down on the baked yard making the morning sticky and barely tolerable.

Squirting a dab of paint onto a palate, I took a deep breath and cleared my mind. I shut my eyes and imagined a plain white surface. The white appeared, blank for a moment, then an image appeared. I opened my eyes and painted what I saw in my head.

Embry came out and looked at the canvas, then went back inside. He came back a few minutes later with a bottle of water. I took it and stretched. "Thanks," I said taking a long swallow. "What do you think?" I inclined my head toward the painting.

"What is it?" he asked.

It was a weird one, nothing more than a blend of colors on a canvas. I tilted my head to the side hoping for some insight into what I'd painted. "You know, I'm not really sure," I laughed.

"How do you not know what you painted?" he asked.

I shrugged. That's just how it worked sometimes. "I don't always know what it is. I see it, so I paint it, I feel better." We both stared at the canvas trying to uncover its hidden meaning. "It's the edge of desire," I said suddenly stated.

Embry looked shocked. "Really? How do you paint that? And where's the edge at exactly?"

_Pain in the ass_, I thought. I reached forward grabbing the tube of red paint. Unscrewing the lid, I squirted some onto my finger and smeared it across the center of the painting. "There," I said smugly. "That's the edge of desire. That's where the very edge of desire is. After that is, well I don't know, whatever comes next after desire. Maybe love. Perhaps that's what comes after desire."

Embry shrugged, his eyebrows furrowed curiously. "Can I say something without you getting upset?"

"Of course," I replied.

"I don't get it."

I laughed and ran my paint-smeared hand over his stomach. "That's okay. I painted it and even I don't get it."

"Does that happen often?" he asked with a smirk.

"It happens more often than not. I'm not an artist, so I guess it doesn't matter. Painting is therapeutic. They don't always make sense, but they always make me feel better."

Embry kissed my forehead. "Then that's all that matters."

I stared at his back as he walked away. "Hey Em?" I called.

He stopped in the center of the living room and turned, glancing at me over his left shoulder. "Hmm?"

"Nothing," I said softly. "Never mind."

He went to the kitchen and grabbed an apple out of the bowl on the counter. I watched him bite into it, the symbolism not lost on me. Here he was, the forbidden fruit, eating the forbidden fruit. I wanted to ask him if he ever teetered on the edge of desire, if he ever felt the same pull as me. I teetered there swaying from side to side, sometimes threatening to topple into that great unknown. Most of the time I wanted Embry to topple with me.

That afternoon Avery came home loaded down with papers that needed to be filled out and signed. "Mommy," he said excitedly as he sat down beside me and pulled off his shoes. "Guess what?"

I shuffled through the papers and said, "What Monster?"

"We have a turtle in my classroom and his name is Horace. Horace the tortoise. My teacher said tortoise is a fancy word for turtle."

"Your teacher's right Monster. Anything else exciting happen?"

"No, not really. Can I go back tomorrow?"

"Sure I mean if you really want to."

Avery jumped off the couch and yelled, "Woo hoo!" then started doing his version of a touchdown dance. When he was finished, he looked at me and said, "Is Uncle Embry still here?"

"Yeah Avery he's around here somewhere, why?"

"I wanted to tell him about school. Mommy?"

"Yes, Avery?"

"Do you love Uncle Embry?"

I glanced up from the papers I was looking at. I thought we covered this already. "Avery, we talked about this remember?"

"Yes I remember, but mommy, you look all funny in the face when you look at him. You don't look like you're sad anymore."

"Come here," I motioned for him to come to me. "I'm not sad anymore. I'm sorry that I've been sad for so long. I promise I'm trying to be better."

"I know mommy. Embry says that sometimes when you love something you have to let go of it. I don't know why he says that though. Mommy?"

"Monster?"

"Is it okay if I love Embry too? He teaches me cool dances. I like his dances. They're fun."

I ruffled my amazing son's hair and stared into his blue eyes. "Yes monster, its okay to love Embry."

"Okay," he said, already done with the conversation. "I'm gonna go play with Duke." He ran off in search of the unsuspecting dog. Downstairs the front door opened and Embry's flip-flops slapped the stairs.

"Hey," I called, "Where'd you run off to?" the rustle of plastic bags caught my attention. I turned around in time to see Embry heaving four plastic grocery sacks onto the counter.

"There's a storm heading this way, did you know?"

I shook my head no. "The tropical storm from last week? I thought that fizzled out of Cuba?"

"No, Bella, it's a different storm. Well, a hurricane now. We should leave."

"Whoa. First, calm down. Freaking out doesn't help in a situation like this, and no, I don't think we need to leave."

"But Bella it's a hurricane, and we're _on_ the beach," Embry said, panic lacing his voice.

"I know that Embry. I heard you. Most of the time hurricanes pass right by us. We get some rain, some heavy winds but that's about it. Hurricanes prefer the taste of the houses up on Jax Beach,. I hear they're way fancier, not to mention tastier than our humble Saint Augustine beach homes."

Embry rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say but the second it starts to look like it's going to be worse than it is, we're going to either Jacksonville or Tampa. I don't really care which."

"Okay," I agreed. "If it gets too bad, we'll leave. In the meantime, relax. It's just a storm."

The storm hit a few days later. Rain poured down from the sky like god had turned the sprinklers on full blast. Thunder rumbled, the wind howled. Avery set up a fort under the kitchen table where he and Duke hide for the majority of the day.

Sometime during the night the storm hit, we lost power, as well as huge section of the fence. The storm woke Avery that night, and despite his heroics on the first day of school, he sat in the middle of his bed screaming bloody murder. I ran to his room, Embry hot on my heels.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Avery's scared of thunder," I called over my shoulder as we broke the threshold of Avery's room.

"Let me handle this?" Embry asked.

"Sure," I said stepping aside.

"Hey buddy," Embry said softly. "Are you okay?"

Avery let out a shaky sigh and whimpered, "No."

"What's wrong?" Embry asked.

"I don't like thunder," Avery moaned.

Embry sat down on the edge of Avery's bed. "When I was a kid, I didn't like thunder either, but my mom told me that it was God in heaven, and he was bowling. Do you know what bowling is?"

Avery nodded. "Tommy Brown's having a bowling party, and I wasn't invited 'cause, he's a butt head."

Embry laughed. "Don't worry about it. I'll take you bowling and have our own party and Tommy Brown won't be invited, okay?"

"Okay."

"Alright now back to the story. My mom used to tell me that thunder was the sound of God and all his angels bowling up in heaven. But you and me, we're special, know why?"

Avery shook his head no. "Because your dad and my mom get to bowl with God and all the angels. So see, you shouldn't be afraid. Instead, when you hear the big booms you should clap and cheer because your dad just scored a lot of points. But if you're still scared, it's okay if you are, you just call for me or your mom, and we'll make it not scary anymore, okay?"

"Okay," Avery said softly. "It's still kind of scary."

I stood in the doorway touched by Embry's story. The whole parenting thing came easily to him, and he was good at it.

"Mommy can I sleep with you?"

"Of course bud." I held my hand out for him. He took it and we walked back to my room. Embry stopped at the door watching me settle Avery in. He patted the space beside him.

"Embry you come too," Avery called.

Embry glanced from Avery to me. He looked like a fish on a hook, unsure of whether to fight or submit. I shrugged and climbed into bed. When I looked back, Embry was still standing in the doorway. "Well come on," I said, "plenty of room for one more. Hurry though or you have to fight Duke for that spot."

I watched, my heart beating erratically, as Embry slid into Jake's side of the bed. I fought to catch my breath in the darkness. It's just a bed, I chanted to myself. My heart rate slowed and I calmed down. Avery wriggled around for a few minutes before he was comfortable and fell asleep.

"Is this as weird for you as it is for me?" Embry asked softly in the darkness.

I smiled and said, "yeah a little. Why?"

"I don't know. Maybe because there's a small child kicking me in the ribs." Embry laughed softly.

"Yeah maybe. You know you're really good with him," I said, rolling over to face him.

"It's easy. Maybe because I know what not to do."

"Perhaps," I agreed.

Embry didn't talk too much about his father, but from what I'd gathered from the few times he had talked about him, his father was a violent alcoholic who beat him and his mother pretty much every day until Embry's mom packed her and Embry's thing in the middle of the night and left.

"Either way," I said, "you're really good with him."

"I have a lot of time to make up for," he responded.

"No you don't," I told him. "You have the rest of his life to look forward to. It doesn't do any good to dwell on or in the past. And with that being said I now feel like a hypocrite."

I claimed I moved on, claimed I was over Jake's death, but I spent countless hours lying awake at night wondering what if?

"I love your mind, Bella, it's beautiful." Embry sighed. "Even if you are a hypocrite."

I laughed softly in the darkness. "Thanks. Sing me a song?"

"If you wish." He hummed a few bars of a Spanish song called Abrázame. Embrace me. I longed for his embrace. My eyelids drooped as I struggled to translate the softy sung song. Just before I fell asleep, I thought I heard him tell me he loved me.

* * *

As always, love to hear your thoughts!

You Can't Always Get What You Want - The Rolling Stones


	36. Unless

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

Aww the story about the thunder was from my mom. my grandfather died from complications due to diabetes when i was in fourth grade and i missed him so much that my mom made the story up about the bowling with god and the angels and the thunder meant my grandfather was winning. and oh yes..i forgot to put that at the end...abrazame is a song by the band camila..i heart their music...ooh and a question...do you want to read the alternate endings? I have two different endings (not gonna use either of them...one of them is very Danielle Steel _Message from 'Nam_ and totally like omfg how could you?...and the other one...well i thought it was a good idea but my writer friend told me if I made that the ending she would kick me) anywhoo...let me know if you want to read them and I will post them.

**Embry**

Bella sat across the table from me in the ambient-lit Lafayette Room – the trendiest section of the most prominent restaurant in downtown Tampa, Mise En Place. The sheer red curtains fluttered in the breeze from the air conditioner, swaying hypnotically.

Bella looked around taking in the industrial look of the walls, the exposed pipes that ran the length of the ceiling. "This place is fantastic," she breathed.

"I'm glad you like it." I wiped my sweaty hands on the napkin spread out in my lap then reached into my pocket, my fingers closing around the trademark Tiffany blue box. I sat across from Bella trying to talk myself out of what I was about to do. Every part of me said it was too soon, that she wasn't ready yet. Then there was the parts that said to grab the bull by the horns, stop being such a puss, and just get it over with.

I'd waited this long, through appetizers and halfway through dinner. Our smiling waitress was making her way toward our table, intent on selling us dessert. Perhaps some Cocoa Nib Peanut Dacquoise, or some Dulce De Leche Pot De Crème; I had no idea what the hell it was, so I smiled dumbly at Bella and asked her if she wanted anything. She gazed at the menu as seemingly confused as I was. She smiled nervously and shook her head no, handing the menu back to the waitress.

The night was hot and humid as Bella and I left the restaurant, her fingers gently entwined with mine. "Let's walk," she said pulling me in the opposite direction of where the car was parked.

"Okay," I said trailing behind her. "Where are we going?"

She smiled mischievously and said, "ice cream."

I laughed and fell into step beside her. "So, there was something I wanted to ask you," I said nervously.

"Oh yeah?" Bella rounded the corner and walked quickly toward the ice cream parlor just up the block.

"Mhmm."

"So are you still going to ask me, or is it this big huge mystery now?"

I remained quiet as we walked into the crowded ice cream shop. When we got to the front of the line Bella ordered her cone and looked at me expectantly. "I'll have the same," I told the harried teenage behind the counter.

We collected our cones and left the stuffy shop. "So you never answered my question," Bella said licking her dripping ice cream cone.

"I know," I replied.

"So…"

"So what?"

"Are you going to ask me?"

We walked past a park. I grabbed her hand and pulled her down onto a bench. "Part of me is in my head _screaming_ at me not to do this; but there's another part that says to do it, so…I'm just gonna do it, okay?"

Bella nodded, her eyes a big as saucers as I reached into my pocket and pulled out the Tiffany & Co. box. I opened it slowly and showed Bella the three stone, two-carat monstrosity that was an engagement ring. "So I guess now the only thing left to do is ask you to marry me and hope and pray we don't get mugged. So, Bella, will you marry me?"

She dropped her ice cream cone, it landed on the sidewalk with a sick plopping sound. Her hands fluttered to her throat. "Embry, I…wow, I don't know what to say. I mean, oh my, wow."

"It's too soon isn't it?" I asked, flipping the lid shut.

Bella smiled sadly. "Just a little bit. I mean, don't get me wrong I l care a lot about you, and I want to be with you, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to take that step yet. I hope you understand." She looked down at her skirt, tears sliding down her cheeks.

I slid the ring back into my pocket and lifted her chin. "Hey," I said softly. "Don't cry; I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't upset me. I don't want you to be mad at me," she sniffled.

I smiled at her. "I'm not upset," I said understanding her pain. "I should have known it was too soon. Come on, you ready to go home?"

Bella nodded and stood up, smoothing the front of her dress. I handed her my ice cream. "Thanks," she said taking it.

"You're welcome, and Bella?"

She glanced up at me. "Hmm?"

_Riiing!_

I bolted out of the dream, my heart pounding away in my chest, beads of sweat trailing down my back between my shoulder blades. That was terrifying, not that marriage was a bad thing, just, for Bella and me, it probably wasn't the best idea. We were taking steps that were smaller than baby steps, not that I was complaining – her life had been difficult recently and I could empathize with that.

Rolling over, I glanced at the clock and groaned. It was a little after five in the morning and too damn early to be up. Whoever it was better have a damn good reason for waking me up. I snatched the phone and muttered, "hello?"

"Hey!" a man with an Italian accent hollered. "I need to talk to Vinnie."

"You have the wrong number," I replied.

"Oh sorry about that. Ciao."

I hung up, setting the phone back in the cradle I rolled my eyes. If you're gonna call someone at five in the morning at least make sure you're dialing the right number. I rolled over, punching the pillow before I lay back down.

I stared at the ceiling pondering the dream. My therapist here in Tampa would say it was about Bella's trip down today and I knew she would be right.

After her last, disastrous trip, I was a bit worried when she agreed to come down again. Yes, we'd made a lot of progress since her last visit but the echoes of that night still remained, vibrating in the space around me at random. So I redecorated. I had the walls painted and got rid of all the furniture that screamed, "hey, I'm a bachelor," replacing it with some more durable, more kid (and dog) friendly furniture. I bought Avery some toys I thought he'd like, even stocked up on food for Duke.

Everyone noticed the changes that were taking place in me. It was hard not to; according to Jones, my agent, I had a spark in my eyes that he hadn't seen before. He commented on it over lunch the other day. We were sitting at some overpriced restaurants going over my options for next season when he asked me where I wanted to play if I could pick any team in the league.

"Jacksonville," I said without a moment's hesitation.

"Jacksonville?" Jones asked. "What's in Jacksonville?"

I nervously wiped my hands on my napkin and boldly said, "My son and his mother."

Jones choked on his water, spitting it back into his glass. "You have a kid?" he asked incredulously.

I nodded. "He's five, just started kindergarten. I thought I told you all this?" I knew I didn't, this boys and girls, is what we call downplaying the situation. Better to come off as nonchalant about the whole thing rather than having to explain the full, if somewhat embarrassing situation to him.

"Dude, you never fucking told me you had a kid. Seriously, _you_ seriously have a _kid_? When did this all happen and why am I just now finding out?"

"Seriously, I have a kid. His name is Avery, him and his mom live in Saint Augustine, he's five, and I never told you because it's none of your damn business. Your job is to as they said in Jerry Maguire, show me the money."

Jones shook his head and took another long sip from his water glass. "Wow," he said setting the glass down. "I can't believe you, _you_ have a kid. That's just, wow. That's nuts. So when do I get to meet the leagues next big thing?"

"The twenty third of never," I replied. The last thing Avery needed was a role model like Jones. Jones, who liked strippers much more than he should, who could out drink even the best alcoholic and had a penchant for doing blow on occasion. Don't get me wrong, I liked Jones, he'd been with me since college and had never once screwed me over or made me a bad deal, but he was definitely not role model material.

Jones shrugged and sipped his water. "Whatever man, back to business; you need to start seriously thinking about where you want to play next season. Your contract with the Bucs is up this year."

I speared a piece of steak and chewed thoughtfully. The choice I made affected more than just me now; I needed to talk to Bella about it and give the decision some serious thought. I swallowed and said to Jones, "Listen, give me like a week, at the most, to think about it, and that's probably five days more than I'm going to need."

A waitress came by with a glass pitcher in hand. "More water?" she asked. Jones and I both nodded. As she refilled the glass Jones, with one eye on her exposed breast and one eye on me said, "That's fine Embry. Take as much time as you need, just make sure you give me enough time to do what I need to do. And play well. If you do, then finding you a new team for next season should be a breeze."

"No doubt, you know me, playing well is my specialty." I glanced down at my watch. "Jones I have to run, I have to meet with an interior decorator at two." I reached into my back pocket for my wallet but Jones waved me off.

"Don't worry about lunch, I got it this time. You pay for drinks next weekend after you kick Dallas' asses, comprende padre?"

"Yeah, well we'll see. Romo and his damn defense always kick our asses."

"Want me to hire a Tanya Harding to club him across the knees so you guys stand a chance?"

I stood up laughing. "Yeah, you do that. I'll see you later man."

I exited the restaurant and hurried up the street to meet the interior decorator, a short Spanish woman with frizzy black hair and a commandeering presence named Aida. She stiffly shook my hand, and in a clipped accent said, "Follow me."

I trailed behind her and the entourage of sales associates smiling as she pointed to various pieces of furniture. "We'll take that, and that, and that," she said pointing to a brown leather sofa, end tables, and a large oak coffee table. I didn't think the leather was a good idea, but I was afraid to speak up. This woman with her thin slash of red lipstick and eyebrows arched so high her face was a mask of perpetual surprise scared the hell out of me. As she assessed her design book, she glanced at me over the rim of her Armani glasses. "You approve?" she asked sharply.

"Yes," I said meekly, "but the leather sofa, well I'm not too sure about that."

"It's not leather, it's called Microfiber," she barked at me. "Very child friendly."

And here we were now with a house full of new toys and furniture anxiously awaiting my son and his mother's arrival.

Shortly after two, there was a knock at the door and a bark. I opened the door and smiled as Avery and Duke tore past me leaving Bella standing alone in the hall looking frazzled.

"Sorry," she said apologetically. "I don't know what's with the two of them. I think they snuck some candy or something before we left."

I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her toward me, breathing in the smell of her perfume. Even after all these years, she still smelled the same. I liked that; it was like coming home after being gone for a very long time. "How was your week?" I asked grabbing her bags and carrying them inside.

"Busy," she replied shutting the door. "You?"

"The same. I had a meeting with my agent earlier this week, and," I paused as she walked into the living room. "I redecorated. What do you think?"

Bella looked around. She ran her fingers over the top of the couch as she went to the windows. "I love it," she said. "Why didn't you tell me you were redecorating?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise. I figured that if you and Avery were going to be spending more time here I needed more appropriate furniture. Do you really like it?"

Bella nodded. "Yes, it's much nicer than it was before. Don't get me wrong it was nice before it just looks like someone, a real person not some robot droid, lives here now."

"Oh my gosh Mom, look what Embry got me!" Avery came running down the hall with the remote control car. It was a monster truck with green skulls on the door.

"Did you tell Embry thank you?" Bella asked.

Avery turned to me, "Thanks Embry. This is totally awesome."

"You're welcome kid, glad you like it." He hugged me, the wheels of the truck digging into my legs. I ruffled his hair and Avery took off back down the hall toward his room. Bella wandered toward the wall where I hung pictures of my mom.

She stopped and looked up at one picture. "Is that your mom's house in Boston?" she asked pointing at the picture of the big white house and the blue bay sparkling in the background.

I nodded. I bought my mother the house on the bay when I got signed by the Bucs; she'd gotten sick shortly after that and never had the chance to really enjoy it. I sighed, sad for her. "That's the house in Boston," I said. "I take it you heard about it?"

Bella nodded, "you know how people talk. My mom heard it from your mom, and she told me. It's a gorgeous house. Do you still have it or did you sell it after your mom passed?"

I slid my arm around her waist and stared up at the pictures. They were all taken the day my mom moved in. Looking at the pictures now, I could see the disease eating away at the joy in her eyes. I hoped that someday, one day, there'd be a cure for diabetes as well as all the other vicious diseases that steal loved ones like thieves in the night. "I still own it. It's empty now though, there's nothing it. I don't even go there anymore."

"So why not sell it?" she asked looking at another picture. It was winter; there was about three feet of snow on the ground. That picture was taken right before I got the call from Jake, the call that changed my life.

"Part of me doesn't want to sell it. Kind of like your Jacksonville house. My mom loved that house, it was the kind of house she always dreamed of owning, and buying it for her made me insanely happy. She was happy there during the time she got to spend there. I can't just get rid of that."

Bella pursed her lips and nodded. "I understand," she murmured.

"I should take you guys up there. You'd probably love it, I know Avery would. It was built back during the days of slavery, I think it was part of the Underground Railroad, there are all kinds of hidey-holes and nifty little spaces. It looks out over the water and when the sky is clear the sun glitters on the water of the bay making it sparkle like there're diamonds just beneath the water. It's beautiful."

"It sounds beautiful," Bella murmured. She turned abruptly and lightly tapped my chest, "Ooh, you wanna hear what Avery said to me on the way down here?" she asked suddenly.

"Um, sure I guess," I said bewildered by the sudden change of conversation.

"So on the car ride down Avery is talking to Duke about "his" room at his uncle Embry's house, and I say to him, "Well where am I supposed to sleep?" and he looks and at me and says, "with Embry." Then he shoots me this look like 'duh mom.' I had no idea what to say after that."

I laughed. Yeah, Avery was definitely my son. "What did you do?"

Bella laughed nervously and said, "Well, I asked him if he thought it was okay for me to sleep with you."

I sat down on the couch. Bella sat next to me and tucked her knees under her. "What did he say?" I asked.

"He said," she began giggling, "that it was okay for us to sleep together as long as we had on our pajamas. Then he proceeds to tell me how Maya, a girl in his class, said that her mommy said grownups who love each other can kiss and do other stuff, stuff you can do if you're a grownup and you love other grownups. When I asked him what kind of stuff he said Maya's mom said girls could sleep with boys as long as they wore jammies."

I ran my hands through my hair and laughed. "Wow, the things some parents will tell their kids."

Bella laughed as she ran her fingers over the framed photo of us at prom. "Yeah, its nuts, huh?" I nodded as she leaned in for a better look at the picture. "I can't believe you still have this picture. God I look horrible, look at that hair."

Her face flushed as she turned away from the picture. I wanted to go back to who we were in that picture, who we were back then. "I like it," I said defensively. "More so, I like who we were back then."

"Young, naïve and cocky?" she supplied.

I shook my head no. We _were_ young, we _were_ naïve, and we _were_ cocky, but more than that, we were in love well, as in love as two seventeen year olds can be. I wanted to be there again. I turned to Bella. "Me and you, back then, we could have ruled the world," I told her. "College changed all that. I mean I got so wrapped up in me that I forgot about who that geeky guy was and why you loved him." I shrugged, "I wanted it all and thought I was entitled to have it all and didn't care who I stepped on to get it and look what it got me. Nothing."

"You got something," Bella replied. "You gained the wisdom to know the difference."

"The difference between what?" I said sarcastically.

"Don't get an attitude with me, its life, deal with it or shut up. You get the wisdom to know the difference between what you want and what you need."

I nodded briefly, properly chastised. That nasty old exploding anger disorder, it still got the best of me sometimes. "I guess you're right."

She lightly smacked my arm and smiled. "Of course I'm right, wanna know why?"

I shook my head yes, my gaze still on the prom picture proudly displayed on the wall. "Because I said so," she said proudly and I burst out laughing.

"Really Bells? You're gonna go there?" she nodded and turned her head toward a noise down the hall.

"They're fine, it's a toy I bought for him, it makes all kinds of noise like you wouldn't believe. Come and sit down, there's something I need to talk to you about."

Bella paled slightly, I quickly reassured her everything was fine. "No, everything is fine, it's about football. Come on and sit down and we can talk more about it."

She exhaled loudly and followed me to the couch. Together we sat down, Bella leaning wearily on me. "Is everything alright?" she asked, her voice guarded.

I nodded, smoothing her hair off her face and offering a reassuring smile. "My contract is up at the end of the season and I've been talking with my agent, Jones, about where I want to play next year. I think I've had enough of Tampa, I've been here for my entire career, and quite frankly I think I need a change of scenery."

Bella nodded cautiously. "Okay, now in plain English please, what does that mean?"

"It means I'm going to be looking for a new team and I'd like your input. I want to stay close to you guys, you know. I told Jones to see if Jacksonville would want me, but nothing is even definite yet. Do you have any opinions?"

Bella swallowed and looked scared for a moment. The fear passed and she said, "Well, are there any teams that you'd dreamed of playing with?"

I nodded. There were. My first pick, if they'd have me, was the Patriots, but I didn't know how likely that was and wasn't going to hold my breath. "If I could have my choice of teams I'd love to play for New England, but if I went there what would you do?"

"Well," she said with a smile, "as I recall you telling me not even thirty minutes ago, you have a house in Boston, yes? I'd go with you." She dropped her eyes and lowered her voice, "if you'd have me."

I reached out, lifting her chin. "Isabella Swan, you amaze me." She blushed as she smiled.

"a change might do us all some good," she said softly.

I wanted to reach out for her, pull her close, and tell her how much I loved her. Leaning down, I kissed her. As I pulled away I said, "can I maybe tell you something without you freaking out?"

She nodded, weaving her fingers into mine. I liked the way her hand fit into mine, like two pieces of a puzzle, cut and made to fit only the others hand. I glanced down at her taking a deep breath. Suddenly I understood her edge of desire painting because, from where I was sitting I could see it and I knew that what I was about to say might very well topple us into the chasm of whatever came next.

The therapist's words came back to me. She was always telling to me say what I felt, not just the bad, but the good as well. "Embry," she always said in that chastising tone she adopted whenever she spoke to me, "You always speak your mind, but never your heart. Try telling your mind to shut the hell up once in a while and go with what your heart is telling you."

It seemed like the perfect time to go for it. Exhaling I said, "I love you, and not the kind of I've been in love with you since we were teenagers kind of love, love like….like jerry Maguire, you complete me love, when your gone I miss you like crazy, when your near I just want to hold you close, and I know that probably sounds totally stalker like of me, but I don't know how else to explain it."

I took a deep breath and kept going, "I know you need time and that's fine with me, I don't want to rush you or anything, I just…well I had to put it out there. Kind of like your painting. You see it and you have to paint it. I felt it and I had to say it and its okay if you don't feel the same way, I just needed you to know that I care about you that much and-"

"Shut up," she laughed. "You had me at I love you."

* * *

"I want you to play wherever you want to play," Bella told me later that night. She had just come down the hall from checking on Avery. I was sitting on the couch, a bottle of beer in hand, sports center playing on the TV. I turned and glanced at her, stunned.

"What about you guys?" I asked.

"We'll move." She sighed, her eyes taking on a faraway look.

"Are you okay?"

Bella nodded; grasping my hand, she slid hers into mine and glanced down. "I've had a lot on my mind, and it's been overwhelming at times. Siobhan says I'm too guarded and that I'm not grieving Jake's death anymore, I'm hiding behind it, using it as a shield, protecting myself I guess."

I was confused. I didn't see how this was relevant to the topic at hand; I remained quiet and let her get to her point.

""Well no," she said, frustration written all over her face, "I _do_ hide behind it. I'm hiding right now."

"What are you hiding from?"

She glanced up at me. "You," she stated. "I'm hiding from you, from what I'm feeling for you. I feel the same way you do, but I'm so damn broken that I can't say it back, I can't tell you that I…."

Her voice trailed off, her cheeks flushed a light pink in the dim room. "You can't tell me that you love me back?" I prompted to which she responded with a nod of her head, her brunette hair bouncing up and down.

"Oh Bella, sweetheart that doesn't matter. The fact that you're here, the fact you keep coming back, asking me to come back, tells me that you love me."

"But I want to be able to say it," she cried.

"You'll be able to," I told her, "All in good time, okay; it's not something that you need to rush."

"But you deserve to have a girlfriend who can tell you she loves you, because I do."

I rubbed Bella's back and we sat in silence for a moment, the weight of the world and her words pressing down on us. "during the course of one day you do a thousand different, seemingly meaningless tasks. You make Avery breakfast, you make him dinner, you call me, I call you and you answer the phone. You feed Duke, you shower, you talk to the neighbors and help out at the school. All of the things you do, you do them because you care about the people you do them for. I don't need you to tell me you love me because you show me every time you answer the phone or open the door and let me into your lives, every time you come all the way down here. All those things tell me you love me and quite honestly, Bella, that's good enough for me. I told you I'd be whatever you needed, didn't I?"

She nodded, and opened her mouth to say something. I held up my index finger, silencing her. "I told you I'd be whatever you needed me to be, and right now you need me to be patient and understanding. So I'm being patient and understanding and as long as that's what you need, that's what I'll be."

* * *

**Reviews are better than the emergence of high school Embry..lol I knew he was still in there somewhere**

"Unless" by St. Lola In The Fields (really, really good song...kinda encompasses the whole Jake & Bella relationship thing..i love it!)


	37. I'll Be

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

Lol…Brady and Belichick are a couple of douchasauruses but I looove New England (the area, not the team)…and yes, this story will have a happily ever after…maybe not the whole clichéd, "we fell in love, had babies and got married" typically fanfic ending, but it will have a happy ending…lol the beginning of the last chapter was actually part of it..but I changed it (obviously). Okay..this is the chapter where the first alternate ending comes into play...I'm going to post that one in a few minutes (it'll be a new "story" just called Full Circle alternate ending) so anywhoo...new chapter..hope you like it.

**Embry**

Jones paced back and forth in front of the windows overlooking downtown Tampa. He fidgeted with the blue tooth snuggly secured in his ear. He stopped pacing, turned and said, "Are you sure you want to turn down the Jacksonville offer? I mean, you gotta be sure Em, really sure, and if I'm being honest, that's a lot of money, a lot less than the Pats want to pay you."

I leaned forward resting my elbows on my knees. "It's not about the money Jones, it's about Bella and it's about Avery. It's time we got out of Jacksonville, and it's about time we had a change of scenery."

Jones sighed. "Alright if that's what you want."

It was. Bella and I had talked long and hard about where to go, we talked about Seattle, we talked about Jacksonville and even Tennessee, but we kept coming back to New England and the Patriots. Jones shit himself when I told him to try New England. The powers that be said they would take me, but it would mean a serious pay cut.

After the playoffs, Jacksonville came sniffing, offering to pay two times what Boston was offering. When I told Bella, she shook her head and said she didn't care. "I want to get out of Florida," she stated. "I mean, if you think that you need to take the Jacksonville deal then I can live with that, but if you don't care, or you don't want to play for Jacksonville, we can go to Boston. I want you to pick the team that will make you the happiest."

I leaned over and kissed her as she said that. We made great progress since the summer. The first anniversary of Jake's death came and she handled it as well as to be expected; she stayed in bed for a day, maybe it was two, but then bounced back. She still hadn't said that she loved me, but like I told her, I'd wait until she was ready. We talked about telling Avery that I was really his father. Bella wanted to tell him; I however, thought we should wait. Our therapists were torn. Mine said to tell him, even offered to help, hers said to wait, that things were still too new.

I think he knew though. Avery was more perceptive than any kid should be. Right before Valentine 's Day, he came to me and asked if I could take him out to buy a gift for a girl he liked. I was surprised, he was only five. A small part of me thought it was cute so I drove him to the store where he bought a stuffed panda for a girl named Claire. On the way home he looked at me, asking, "Are you gonna marry my mom?"

I stopped at a red light and looked at him, shrugging. "Well I'm not really sure."

"Do you want to?"

"Can you keep a secret?" Avery nodded excitedly. "I love your mom a lot, and I would love to marry her someday, but I don't think it's the right time yet."

"Because of my dad?"

I nodded, heavy silence hanging in the air.

"You know," Avery said softly. "I miss him a lot, but not as much as before. Know why?" I shook my head no. "Well, he'll always be my dad, but know I kinda have you. You're like a dad too 'cause you do all the stuff my dad used to do with me. Did he ask you to be my dad once he went to heaven?"

_Not exactly_, I thought. "No, little man, he didn't, but I know what it's like not to have a dad. My dad went away when I was a kid and I always wished I had a dad. I just want to be able to make sure you don't grow up the same way. You know, if I married your mom, I'd be your step dad."

"Really?" he asked excitedly. "'Cause that would be _awesome!"_

I relayed this information to Bella who shook her head and raised an eyebrow at me. The gesture said, "See I told you so."

But back to Jones' office. My preppy agent was staring me down. "Where are you right now?" he asked.

"Somewhere lost in the last eight months. Life has been a little here, there, and everywhere lately."

"Alright well focus. You're going to need to fly to Massachusetts to meet with the powers that be up there, get yourself acquainted with the team, I'll be going with you and we'll get your contract signed, then you need to get back here and start packing. Do I need to hire you a P.A.?"

I shook my head no. I didn't need some wet behind the ears, overeager sports agent wanna be following me around. "I'll get it all taken care of. When are we leaving?"

"Next Tuesday, our flights at 11:25, Delta flight, number 1177. We'll be gone for a week, I'll probably leave before you, I want you to get acclimated and all that. Are you guys moving into your mom's old place?"

"Mhmm. I'm going to have to get someone in there to clean it up. It's been a while since anyone's been there. Okay, so Tuesday, I'll meet you at the airport at say, nine?" I stood, stretching and offered Jones my hand. He took it and shook it firmly.

"See you Tuesday."

* * *

Bella

Eleanor Roosevelt once said that you should do one thing every day that scares you.

I was all for pushing my horizons and trying new things, but all this, everything that was going on – it was just too much. I was scared, scratch that, I was terrified.

And I loved it.

I felt so…alive, my nerves humming with anxious anticipation. The future, for once, didn't seem like it was full of doom and gloom and heartache.

I picked up the mason jar and rolled it between my hands watching as the fine bits of glitter rolled around, coating the inside of the jar. The light caught the bits of gold glitter and sent rays of light dancing on the walls.

_Wishes_ the jar said. A similar one sat on the opposite side of the mantle, _Dreams_ pasted to the front of that jar. I smiled as I wrapped them up. Wishes and Dreams; for once it felt like I was allowed to have wishes and dreams again.

In the family room Avery yelled, then Duke barked."Mom!" he shouted, "Embry's here."

I set the jar into the box with the rest of the knick-knacks and skipped, yes skipped, to the front door, wrenching it open and launching myself at Embry.

He caught me, laughing. "Wow you're in a good mood."

I leaned back, looking down at him. "I'm just…happy, really, really, ridiculously, happy. How did your meeting with Jones go?"

"Good. I have to fly to Massachusetts on Tuesday to meet with the team. Jones is going too, I'm gonna sign the contract and hire someone to get the house cleaned up. Then when I get back we have to list the houses for sale."

"I'd like to keep the beach house," I said, "but we can sell this one."

"Okay," he said following me into the living room. "Where's Avery?"

I pointed to the family room and went back to packing, humming _Be Ok_ by Ingrid Michelson as I wrapped up all my knick-knacks.

It had been a long year, the longest, filled with a lot of ache and tears, but it looked like it was finally getting better. I actually felt it getting better.

* * *

That Tuesday the three of us piled into the car and I drove Embry to Jacksonville International Airport. As I pulled alongside the curb, I leaned across the front seat and kissed Embry. He reached up, grasping my face between his hands.

In the back seat Avery yelled, "Eww."

I ignored him and kissed Embry back. I kissed him as if my life depended on it. I kissed him until a security guard walked up to the car and knocked on the window. We glanced at him sheepishly. "Sorry," I said, blushing.

The guard smiled and walked further down the sidewalk toward the U.S. Airways terminal. "Okay," Embry said reaching into the glove box for his plane ticket. "I'll be back next Tuesday, same airline, but my flight gets in at one in the afternoon. You'll pick me up?"

"Yes," I said, "I'll be here next Tuesday at one to pick you up."

"Alright then," he smiled, turning toward Avery in the back seat. "Take care of your mom and behave, okay?"

Avery nodded. "I will. Will you bring me a surprise when you come back?"

"As long as you behave. Love you kiddo."

"Love you too," he replied.

Embry turned to me. "Are you gonna be okay?"

I nodded. "Of course I am. I have a lot to do while you're gone."

"Okay." He leaned across the seat again and kissed me briefly. "I love you. I'll see you next week."

"I love you too," I replied automatically, then stunned, I gaped at him. "I love you too," I repeated, feeling out how it felt.

It felt ah-mah-zing.

I grinned at Embry's stunned expression. "I love you," I repeated. "So much. More than I think you can even imagine."

We sat there staring at one another, his mouth hanging open. "Say something," I laughed.

"You said you loved me," he said, shocked.

"I know I did. Here I'll say it again. I love you."

Embry grabbed my face, kissing me fiercely. "I'm so lucky to have you," he murmured. "So damn lucky. I love you. God now I wish I didn't have to go. This is huge."

I kissed him briefly. "I wish you didn't have to go either, but you do. So go. Go take care of the business, then hurry home so we can start our life together."

Embry got out of the car, hurrying around the back to grab his suitcase out of the trunk. He wheeled it toward the curb, waving and calling out, "I love you guys," as he disappeared into the crowd.

Avery and I waved back, watching as he entered the airport. Once he vanished from sight, I pulled away from the curb and headed for home.

"Mommy," Avery asked as we sped down the interstate. "What's it like in Boston?"

I glanced up at him in the rear view mirror. "I don't know. I've never been there but I bet it's nice."

Avery tilted his head, contemplating Boston, or some other earth-altering question. "What about Daddy?" he finally asked.

"What about him?" I responded.

"Are we taking Daddy with us?"

"No, Avery, we aren't."

"Why not?"

"Because he has to stay here," I said.

"But what if I miss him?" he questioned.

I sighed. "I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but taking Daddy with us, well…you would still miss him. You have to take Daddy with you in your heart and in your memory. That's how you remember him and that's what keeps you from forgetting him. Do you understand."

"I think so."

He was quiet the rest of the way home, but sat in the back seat with a pensive look on his face. When we got home, he jumped out of the car and ran for his room. I quickly shut the engine off and ran after him. "Avery," I called as I darted up the stairs. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," came the muffled reply from behind the closed bedroom door.

I knocked once and opened the door slowly. He was sitting on the floor, his back to the door a G.I. Joe doll in hand. "Don't worry Joe. You can come to Boston with me. If mommy says you have to stay here too I'll hide you in my suitcase."

"Avery?" I said softly. "Are you alright?"

"No," he pouted. "Are my toys going to Boston?"

I entered his room and sank down onto the floor beside him. "Of course they are sweetheart. Everything that you have is going to go to Boston with us. What made you think your toys had to stay here?"

He shrugged and began fiddling with Joe's vest. "I guess 'cause you said Daddy had to stay here I thought all my stuff was gonna stay here too."

"No baby," I replied, reaching out to ruffle his hair. "Everything is going. All your toys, your clothes, Duke, everything. " A look of relief flooded my son's eyes and he smiled. "Everything is going to be okay," I told him. "I promise, from here on out everything is going to be better."

Avery scooted across the floor and wrapped his arms around my neck. "I love you Mommy," he said into my hair. "You're the best mom in the world."

"I love you too Monster. You're the best son in the world."

* * *

At nine thirty, the phone rang. I turned the volume down on the TV, muting the annoying redhead who was butchering one of The Rolling Stones greatest hits on American Idol. "Hello?" I said softly.

"Hi gorgeous," Embry replied. "I just wanted to touch base with you, let you know how everything went. How was your day?"

I leaned back into the couch cushions and looked up at the TV. "My day was good. I had to explain to Avery that all of his things were going to Boston with us. He thought we were going to leave them here."

Embry chuckled. "What is it with kids. When we moved to Forks I was nine and I thought for sure my mom was going to leave all my stuff at our old house."

"Yeah, well, in that situation it's understandable. I mean look at what your mom went through, leaving your stuff and just getting the hell out was paramount at the time."

"Yeah, true, but we moved a few times and I always thought we were going to leave my stuff behind. I think it's a kid thing."

"Yeah," I agreed, "probably. Anyway, how was your day? Did you meet Belichick?"

"Sure did, he seems like an ass, but in a good way. I met with the defensive coordinator and a couple other people too. Overall, it was a good day. I'm at the house, its kinda creepy being here all alone."

I frowned. Avery and I were going to be spending a lot of time there alone, I didn't want to be in a creepy house all alone while Embry was away for games. "Like, creepy how?" I asked.

Embry laughed. "Its not creepy like "oh no there's a serial killer hiding in the basement," but creepy like I haven't been here since my mom passed and I've never been here alone. My mom or her nurse or both were always here."

"Oh," I exhaled.

"You were scared weren't you?" Embry chuckled.

"Just a tiny bit, but that's beside the point. So aside from football and the creepy house, how was your day?"

Embry sighed, I could hear him smiling as he did so. "Oh my day was fantastic. You see there's this woman I'm madly in love with and she told me that she loves me today. It was the best thing I've ever heard."

I blushed furiously which was just stupid. "I do love you," I said emphatically. "I'm sorry it took so long to get it out there."

"I know you do and it's okay that it took so long. I would rather have waited to hear you say it and mean it, than for you to say it and feel like you'd been forced into it. Does that make sense?"

"Yes," I answered, "it makes sense. You know, you've been so patient and understanding through all of this. You've met all of my needs but what about yours?"

"What about my what?"

"Your needs," I said slowly. "Is there anything I should be doing for you that I'm not?"

The little voice in the back of my head glared at me like I was a dumb blond. _Of course he has needs that you aren't meeting_, she snickered. _He is a man after all._

And that was exactly what I was worried about. It had been a year and then some since he came back into my life, and I hadn't slept with him yet. Part of me wondered if he'd slept with someone down in Tampa or in another city while he was on the road. I never asked because I never really believed he did, and another part of me thought that if he did that was his business and I shouldn't complain because I wasn't giving it to him.

But I hoped with my whole heart that he wasn't having sex with random women. That would have shattered my heart.

"I have you, and I have Avery. That's the only thing I need," he said honestly. "I don't need anything but you guys. And, well food, but you know what I mean. What's this all about?"

I shrugged. "I just want to make sure I'm being everything that _you_ need for once."

"You are," he said, "Everything and then some. Stop second-guessing yourself, do what feels right. That's all I'm saying."

"I'm trying," I replied, my voice soft. "It's just that sometimes I feel like you've been neglected in all of this, you know."

"I know what you mean, but I haven't been. I got what I needed."

"Yeah well, needing is one thing, but getting's another."

"Hey Bells?"

"Yeah?" I answered.

"Ok Go called, they want their lyrics back."

I snorted softly into the phone. "Whatever, I'm awesome and you know it."

"You are pretty amazing. But look it's getting late and I have a long day tomorrow so I'm going to turn in. I'll call you in the morning, okay?"

"Okay Embry. Sleep well. I love you."

"I love you too Bella. Kiss Avery for me and tell him I miss him."

"I will," I replied. "Night."

"Night."

* * *

**Reviews are better than finally telling embry you love him..lol**

"I'll Be" by A Bird A Sparrow


	38. Just Like Starting Over

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

Soo sorry its been long since the last update..quite honestly I'm struggling with the ending...there's one more chapter after this and the epilogue...but anywhoo...here you go. new chapter. enjoy : )

**Bella**

"The Omega quadrant? LAME!"

"Avery, please turn that down." I ran my fingers through my hair then closed my eyes and rubbed my temple. My head hurt, I was wallowing in a sea of newspaper, and the dog would not stop barking. Add that to the screaming television and a cackling Avery, I was ready to swallow a bottle of Advil and sleep for a week.

Embry had been at practice every day, all day. I had been at home unpacking for the last…god how long had I been unpacking? I scratched my head. However long it'd been, it had been too long. It seemed like things were arriving from Florida every day. We'd been in Boston for two weeks, and it had taken two weeks for all the stuff to get here. Apparently, there was more than on family named Black in Boston who had moved from Florida; they got our stuff and we got nothing, so they sent our things back to Florida, and here we were, two weeks later, still waiting for our things.

Embry had said not to worry about it, that we could just buy new things, but I didn't want new things, I wanted my things. Not to mention the fact that he'd done so much for me, and for Avery. When we arrived in Boston two weeks ago, he picked us up from the airport with smiles and kisses. It felt like coming home, seeing him standing there waiting for us.

"Are you ready to go see your new home?" he asked Avery who nodded.

We had told him the truth about Embry being his father with the help of our therapists as well as a child psychologist who worked in Liam's office. The child psychologist, a man by the name of Stefan who had jet-black hair and an indistinct accent, looked like a big kid himself. He had an easygoing nature and always seemed to have the most popular action figure in his shirt pocket. When he came into the room, he pulled out The Missing Link from _Monsters vs. Aliens_ and showed it to Avery.

"Do you know who this is?" he asked with a clipped accent.

Avery nodded excitedly. "That's The Missing Link," he told Stefan. "From the monsters and aliens movie. I like B.O.B the best. He's funny. So is Dr. Cockroach."

"B.O.B is pretty awesome," he told Avery. "Do you want to play with Link for a little while? You can play with him, and we can talk."

Avery nodded and took the action figure from Stefan. "What do you want to talk about?" he asked, moving Links arms up and down.

"Well, your mom told me you're going to be moving to Boston. Is that true?"

Avery nodded and made the action figure do what looked like the robot. Its fishy arms moved stiffly up and down.

"How do you feel about moving?"

Avery glanced up, his gaze meeting mine. I nodded briefly and he looked back to Stefan. "Well at first I was mad because my mommy said we had to leave my daddy here, but I wanted to take him to Boston with us."

"That makes sense. Are you okay now though? Is it okay with you that you have to leave your dad here?"

Avery shrugged. "I think it stinks he can't come to Boston but I guess it's alright. Embry says that he's in heaven and that he's okay. Why are you asking me all these questions?"

"Well," Stefan said kindly. "Your mom and Embry brought you here today because they have to tell you something, something important and they are worried what they have to tell you is going to upset you."

"So maybe they shouldn't tell me then," Avery said.

Stefan chuckled. "I wish it worked like that, but if they don't tell you now, then when they tell you later it might really make you angry."

Avery shrugged again and continued playing with The Missing Link. "Mommy," he said looking up at me. "Can we get chicken nuggets after we leave?"

"Sure thing Monster, but first we have to do this okay."

"Okay. What are you going to tell me?"

"Your mom tells me there's a boy in your class who has two dads, is that right."

"Yup."

"Do you know why he has two dads?"

"Yup."

"Can you tell me?"

"His mom had a baby, Nick says her name is "the," he lowered his voice conspiratorially and said in a hushed whisper, "damn mistake." Then his mom and dad got divorced because his dad doesn't like the baby. Then Nick's mom found him a new dad. His name is Peter. Nick says he's cool because he buys him matchbox cars all the time. Nick's mom and Peter got married and now Peter is Nick's new dad."

"So Peter is Nick's step-dad?"

"I guess that's what they call it, but Nick doesn't have to call him dad. He calls him Peter."

"How would you feel if you found out you had another dad? Would that make you happy or sad or angry?"

Avery shrugged; he gazed at the floor as he thought about Stefan's question. "I think it would be okay," he said slowly. "As long as he was nice and not mean to me or my mom. And he'd have to be nice to Duke too, or else Duke would bite him and that wouldn't be nice."

Stefan nodded in agreement. "What about Embry? Would he be a good dad?"

Avery glanced up in Embry's direction and smiled. "Embry's cool. He plays games with me and he teaches me stuff. I like Embry." Avery leaned in closer to Stefan and said, "And he makes my mom happy. She smiles and laughs whenever he's around. I like him. And she likes him."

"But would he be a good dad?"

"I guess so."

"Okay, well that's good to hear. Now here comes the hard part. You ready?"

Avery shrugged. "I guess so."

I held my breath and felt like I was wrong for letting a total stranger do this. I got up and went to sit down beside Avery. "I can do this," I said.

Stefan leaned back and let me take the conversation. "Back when I had you, when I was pregnant with you, I was dating your dad and Embry went to school in Gainesville. Before I dated your dad, I dated Embry. You understand so far?"

Avery nodded. "You dated Embry then you dated daddy, right?"

I nodded. "Right. Well, here's the thing Monster. Like Nick, you have, well had, two dads. Daddy was your step-dad, like Nick's step-dad, Peter, and Embry is your other dad. Do you still understand?"

Avery was quiet for a minute, probably absorbing all the information that had just been presented to him. Finally, he said, "So, Embry is my dad too?"

I nodded.

"Oh, okay. Can I go play over there?" he asked pointed toward a toy box in the corner.

I nodded, dumbfound. "Yeah baby, go on and go play."

He'd taken the information much better than I thought he would, though why I was surprised I don't know. Embry had been around pretty much since Jake died, he just sort of fell into the role of surrogate dad to Avery, it shouldn't have been such a surprise.

Yet it was.

I waited, for a few days after we told him, for him to freak out or just start acting differently, but nothing changed. He behaved the same way, treated Embry the same way, and was acting just fine. So I let it go. If he had a meltdown over the news, we'd deal with it when the time came.

Then we packed up a few things and left for Boston.

And here we were now.

I looked around the kitchen, sighing to myself. I was never going to be finished unpacking. The task just seemed…impossible and daunting. I let the sheaf of newspaper in my hand drift to the floor. It settled on top of the sea of newspaper softly and without sound. I went to the fridge and pulled it open, reaching inside for a can of soda. I took the crisp can and carried it to the counter, gazing out the window as the afternoon sun glittered gold on the bay. The view was astounding, something I'd never get sick of, I could stare at it for hours, days even.

The house was just as, maybe even more so, astounding. It was old like Embry said, but beautifully restored and just huge. There was more room than I knew what to do with. When you drove up the winding driveway, you were faced with a giant white house that sat on a small hill. Up the front steps and through the front door was the foyer. To the immediate left was a closet; to the right was another closet, the white doors brilliant, their brass knobs gleaming. In front of me was the staircase leading to the second floor. A hallway ran alongside the staircase, it led to the kitchen and the dining room, which sat on the back, left hand side of the house.

A short hallway led to the garage and mudroom, and another staircase leading upstairs. When questioned about its purpose, Embry explained that it was the servant staircase that it led to what used to the servants quarters. Now though, it led to just outside our bedroom door, and another staircase leading to the third floor.

On the right side of the house, down the maple floored hall and creamy ivory painted walls, was a family room, sitting room and a study. The colors and flooring were simple neutral colors, they were somewhat cold, and I made plans to repaint as soon as possible.

Upstairs were four bedrooms, the master suite, and a couple of bathrooms. Avery's room was at one end of the house, ours was at the other. On his side, Avery had his room, painted pale green and furnished with a set of bunk beds that just had the top bunk. He had a desk in one corner, a beanbag chair in the other, a small TV set sat in an alcove on the wall, a PS3 on a shelf just below it.

Along one wall were three doors. One led to a closet, one led to a bathroom, and one led to his playroom. The playroom was insane. Every toy that a boy his age could want was in it. Transformers, remote control cars, something I'd never heard of called Bakugan. It was insane and two hours after we arrived, it was a mess and had been a mess for the last two weeks.

The master suite, however, was something Embry had ripped right out of one of my dreams. The dark wood floors gleamed; the walls were a pale blue, so pale they were almost white. The curtains were lacy, sheer, and white. And the bed, oh god the bed was beautiful, too beautiful for words. It was the same dark color as the floor, wrought iron and four tall posts. The head and footboards had intricately twisted designs that looked like twisted roots.

The whimsy continued into the bathroom. A large Jacuzzi tub sat in the middle of the room, a glass encased shower stall with two showerheads overlooked the tub. To the left was the toilet, then a vanity with two sinks. Opposite the door I walked in was another door that leads to a sitting room and a huge walk in closet.

The third floor was mostly storage space, empty rooms, and just all out creepy. I loved the house but it needed to be a more personal reflection of the three people who resided there.

_Once all of our stuff gets here from Florida,_ I told myself, _I'd redecorate then. _

That night Embry came home from practice looking like he hadn't slept in a week. "They are brutal," he said with a sigh as he threw himself down on the couch beside me. On the loveseat Avery was asleep, Duke at his feet. I was watching Eliza Doolittle argue, again, with Henry Higgins. I smiled slightly as the housekeeper ushered Eliza upstairs for a bath.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

He shook his head no and sat back, staring at the TV. "What are you watching?"

"_Pygmalion,"_ I replied.

"Oh. Is it good?"

I nodded. "Are you hungry? I can go make you something to eat if you want."

"I'm alright, just tired. I think I'm going to go take a shower and then head to bed. Want me to take Avery upstairs?"

"If you can, if not I'll just wake him."

"I got it, come on. And the house looks good by the way."

"Thanks," I said as I shut the TV off.

Embry picked Avery up and carried him up the stairs; I followed behind shutting off lights as I went. In our room, I turned the lamps on and lit a couple of the candles that were scattered around. I hurried into the sitting room and grabbed the book I was reading, something about werewolves called _Shiver, _and quickly slipped into bed.

When Embry came in, he looked around at the flickering candles and smiled at me propped up in the bed, my brown hair free and flowing around my shoulders, tickling my skin. "You look really beautiful right now."

I smiled and set the book down, folding over the edge of the page I'd been reading. "Come here," I said, motioning the vacant side of the bed.

Embry shuffled across the room and sat down beside me. "What's up?" he asked reaching up to push a strand of hair off my shoulder.

I took a deep breath. This was it, the one last step I'd yet to take. We kissed, we snuggled in bed together, but we'd never been intimate, at least not this second time around. He'd been patient, never pushing, never asking. I knew it must have been hard. It had been hard for me. There were times when I just wanted to rip his clothes off and make him make it feel better or just make it all go away – at least for a little while. Too much time had passed, Jake was gone, he'd been gone for a while, and I'd moved on. Well, most of me had moved on and tonight, all of me was moving on. That's what moving to Boston was really about. It was about moving on and starting over.

I clasped my hands in front of me and glanced at him nervously. "I want us to take that next step," I said quickly, my heart racing in chest.

Embry's face was blank at first, and then understanding dawned in his eyes. "You mean –"

I nodded.

"Oh. Um wow, are you sure?"

Again, I nodded.

"Tonight?"

"No, not tonight. I mean it would be nice, but I understand you're tired. I just wanted to let you know that I think I'm ready for that, if you are."

He leaned forward pressing his warm lips to mine. "I love you," he murmured against my mouth his breath smelled like spearmint and doctor pepper.

"I love you too. Now go on and take a shower. I'm going to read my book."

He disappeared into the bathroom and a few seconds later the shower turned on. I smiled to myself feeling victorious.

The night came three days later. He had the afternoon off and we spent it in the backyard enjoying the last strains of summer. Night shuffled across the sky and we settled into our routine. Avery took his bath and got ready for school the following day; I made his lunch and put it in the refrigerator while Embry fed Duke. It was the clichéd picture of normalcy, I thought to myself as I stood in the kitchen observing my life. The sounds and smells were comforting, like being wrapped in your grandmother's quilt after waking from a nightmare. Embry came around the corner with the empty bag of dog food in his hand, a smile on his face.

He looked so much like the carefree kid I fell in love with all those years ago. He glanced at me, his smile widening. "You look so happy right now," he observed.

"I _am_ happy," I replied. "Come upstairs with me." I reached for him and guided him toward the back stairs.

In our room, I shut and locked the door, my fingers fumbling with the buttons of his shirt. Embry stared at me in shock. "Stop staring and help me," I hissed.

He brushed my fingers aside and tore the shirt open then roughly grabbed the hem of my shirt and tugged it over my head. "God you're beautiful," he murmured pushing me back until the back of my knees collided with the bed and I fell back into it.

I didn't know what to expect or to feel. I closed my eyes, relishing the feel of his hands on my body. "Bella," he said softly. "Open your eyes and look at me."

I opened them slowly and gazed at him. "I love you," he said.

The pain was intense at first. I felt like a virgin all over again and I gasped in surprise. Guess that's what happens when almost two years passes without having sex.

"Am I hurting you?" he asked, stopping.

I shook my head no. "I had a baby, I can handle this. I want to do this."

Before we could continue, there was a knock at the door. "Mommy?" Avery called out. "Mommy are you in there?"

"Yes Avery. Hold on for a minute okay?"

"Can I have a snack?" he asked.

"Yes. There's yogurt in the fridge."

"Thank you."

"Your welcome."

I sighed. "Guess we probably should have waited until after he went to bed to try that, huh?"

Embry smiled and rolled over. "It's okay sweetheart, we have all night."

After we were redressed and put Avery to bed, we went downstairs to watch television. I was curled into one corner of the couch, my feet on Embry's lap, the television tuned to an episode of _House. _Halfway through the show, Embry turned the TV off and looked at me. "I have a question," he said.

"Oh?" I asked.

"This isn't me asking, but how do you feel about marriage?"

"Like you and I getting married?"

He nodded. I hadn't given it much thought. It was pretty much like we were already married, except without the legalities. Part of me wasn't sure if I wanted to get married again. It turned out so bad the first time around, why go and ruin a good thing.

I think I made the same argument to myself when Jake asked me to marry him. To Embry I said, "I don't have anything against marriage, but…well look what happened when Jake and I got married. He died. What happens if I marry you and the same thing happens?"

"Bella that won't happen. What happened to Jake was…well it wasn't fair but it was just something that happened. Not marrying him wouldn't have changed it."

"I know…I just…I get scared sometimes, you know, and that I'll lose you too. I mean, some people only get one love in a lifetime, I got two and then there are those people who just aren't meant to have a happily ever after. Maybe I'm one of them."

"So you'd rather be scared and keep things the way they are than to take a chance and have things work?"

"Yes," I stated. "I'm a chicken."

Embry shook his head. "Yes, that you are. What would you say if I asked?"

I shrugged. "I have no idea. Why are you planning on asking me to marry you?"

He got up and crossed the room. On the mantle was a small wooden box, I'd seen it there several times but I never opened it. I always figured it was just for decoration. Embry opened the box and reached inside cupping whatever the box contained in the palm of his hand.

He strode across the room and sank down onto his knee in front of me. "Bella," he said, slowly unfolding his fingers to reveal a gold engagement ring with a diamond so large it could feed New England for a year. "Would you do me the immense honor of marrying me?"

I stared at him, stunned. He wanted to marry me. Despite all my fears and anxieties, he was willing to take that chance.

Now only one question remained. Was I?

* * *

**Reviews are better than starting over..**

(Just Like) Starting Over by the ever so talented and totally amazing John Lennon

(Opening quote from Monsters vs. Aliens)


	39. Please Let Me Get What I Want

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

this chapter was seven shades of murder...it did not want to be written, lol...

connect2tjb you asked where at in NE is their house supposed to be, there's this little area called Squantum, just east of I-93 and part of it overlooks the Quincy Bay. I don't know why exactly I picked that location (knowing me I pulled up Google Maps and closed my eyes and pointed at the screen and that was where my finger landed). I never had a particular house in mind, I looked, but all the houses that I found were nothing like what I envisioned...most of the time I see my grandmother's house (she lived in this gnarly colonial style house that was the bee's knees…)

**Bella**

I closed my eyes and thought back to when I was in college, back to a time before there were shades of gray and life was lived on the simple careless whim of a girl. I saw that ghost of myself at the various times of my college career, before Jake before Avery hell even before it me and Embry, back to when we were one being - two young kids so desperately in love that we vowed to make it work no matter what. I tried to remember the phrase that we used but it eluded me.

_What would college Bella do?_ I asked myself and immediately knew the answer. "Yes," I said opening my eyes and facing the uncertainty that swam in Embry's eyes. "Yes I will marry you."

Shock flitted across Embry's face. "Are you serious?"

I nodded. "Of course I'm serious. I want to marry you. We could go to the court house in the morning if you wanted to that's how serious I am."

He wrinkled his nose at the courthouse suggestion. "No, we'll have a real wedding in a church or wherever you want. Let's do it right because it's the last time either of us are doing it."

I smiled at him. "When do you want to get married?"

"October," he replied. "October 23rd."

I stared at him, brow knitted together in confusion. "Why that day?"

Embry grinned and playfully said, "I can't believe you don't remember."

"Remember what?"

"October 23rd was the very first time we met. I can't believe you don't remember."

"I can't believe you do," I retorted.

"It's kind of hard to forget a crazy girl running away from Jake and it's kind of hard to forget you smashing into Tank's chest."

"Oh, that's right. Gosh, don't forget that stalker guy who followed me to half my classes _and_ lunch – oh wait that was you!"

Embry grinned, dropping kisses on my eyelids and cheeks. "I knew I loved you then," he said and my insides turned to pudding.

"Really?" I asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, that night I went home and seriously contemplated asking you out."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because it seemed like you needed a friend more than anything. Being your friend got me the best of both worlds."

I wanted to cry. We never really talked about high school that much and we should have. It was a crazy time, a good time.

"You know," he said, "I _still_ don't get _Great Expectations."_

I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself. There was that night when I wandered into the local cemetery and got myself good and lost. Embry found me, took me home, and read me _Great Expectations_ while we played hooky from school.

"I still have the copy you gave me," I told him.

"You do?"

I nodded. "Of course I do. It's on the bookcase in the living room."

"Wow I didn't know that. I didn't think you keep it."

"Of course I did. Part of me always hoped we'd reconcile our past. Not only that but you meant , you mean, so much to me, to throw it away – to deny its existence would like admitting a huge part of me didn't exist. I couldn't do that."

Embry climbed onto the couch next to me and sat quietly, thoughtfully, beside me. "What else did you keep?"

I shrugged. I was a pack rat at heart, I rarely threw anything away. "I have a lot of stuff, movie ticket stubs, and football ticket stubs. Letters, notes, and pictures. It's quite ridiculous."

Embry shook his head. "I can't believe you keep stuff like that."

"Well I do." I sat back feeling overwhelmingly underwhelmed. He just asked me to marry him and here we were reminiscing about the past. "This is so weird," I stated.

"What is?"

"You just asked me to marry you and we're talking about books and high school, we should be…I don't know…it's just weird."

Embry shrugged. "I don't know, maybe it is weird. Maybe _we're _weird."

"Or maybe we're normal and everyone else is weird."

* * *

Later that week I called Sue to tell her the news. "Oh my stars!" she exclaimed. "Oh this is fantastic, I'm so happy for you two. Do you want me to help with the planning?"

I laughed, overwhelmed. "I have no idea where to begin, I need to find a place to have the wedding and the reception and make a guest list and find a dress and…"

"I get it, I get it," Sue laughed. "You have a lot to do. Have you picked a date?"

"Yes, Embry picked the date actually."

"Really? That's interesting. What's the date?"

"October 23rd. he said he picked that day because that was the day we first met. Then we went on a walk down memory lane. It was weird."

"Well, Bella," Sue said knowledgably. "You two have gone on this amazing journey. I mean, look back to where you were when you first came to live with us. It seemed like Embry was the only one who could get through to you, he was the one who brought you out of yourself. You two are comfortable on a level that is unusual for people you're age; you've always taken things in-stride, you always just roll with it when it comes to him. Well, most of the time, I mean you've had your moments but…this is you and Embry we're talking about."

"That's what we seem to be coming back to lately, when I first came to Forks. Anyway, as soon as I know more I will call you and send you information. Do you think Leah will be able to make it?"

"I don't see why not, just give her enough of a heads up and I'm sure she'll have no problem coming."

"Okay, I'll call her as soon as I get off the phone with you."

"Alright my dear, call me if you need anything, okay?"

"Alright mom. Tell dad I said hello and I love you both."

I hung up and went off in search of Avery and Duke. I was willing to bet they were up to no good; it was way to quiet in the house. As I walked into the kitchen, I heard Duke barking from the backyard as Avery chased after him. I turned away from the window and went to the computer, wondering what Boston had to offer in reference to wedding venues.

As I idly scanned the webpages, I picked up the phone and dialed the million and a half numbers I had to dial to reach Leah in Spain. As the phone rang, I glanced at the clock, wondering what time it was in Madrid and hoping that it wasn't too late.

Leah answered as I was about to hang up. "Hey!" I said.

"Hey, this is a surprise, you calling me! What's going on is everything okay?"

"Oh yeah, everything is fine, I have some news though."

"Oh no!" Leah worried.

"No, it's not bad," I reassured her. "It's actually good."

"Oh, phew. You had me worried. What's going on?"

"Embry asked me to marry him and I said yes. We're getting married in October and I wanted to let you know so you could come."

"Oh that's so awesome, I'm so happy for you two. Did he give you a ring, what's it look like?"

"Yes he gave me a ring, and it's huge. It's too huge. But it's traditional and gorgeous."

"I'm really happy for you. I worried that after…well, you know, that you'd never be happy again. At least not the way you were before."

I cradled the phone against my ear and clicked a link on the computer for a hotel called the Boston Harbor Hotel. "You know, it's funny how it all manages to work out. But enough of all that. How are your own wedding plans coming along?"

Leah sighed and I heard the crumbling of something in the background. "I'm not sure I want to marry him. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Bastien and I love Madrid, but I miss home. I miss people who speak English, even Bastien doesn't speak it very well, and sometimes it makes things hard because I can't speak Spanish all that well. I don't know. Part of me wants to call the wedding off and come home and part of me wants to make it work."

I frowned, unable to off her any helpful advice. "Well, I guess the only thing I can tell you is to follow your heart. If you think you should come home, chances are you probably should, even if it's just for a little while to, you know, clear your head and stuff. Hey, you could come stay with me for a week, I have plenty of room, and it would be nice to kick your ass at some whodunit movies."

Leah laughed, reminiscing about the game we used to play when we were teenagers. I smiled wistfully not realizing until this very minute how much I really missed having my whole family around.

From across the planet, static crackled over the line. "You know what, that doesn't sound bad," Leah said. "You don't think Embry would mind having me loafing around his house for a few weeks do you?"

"No, and it's not just Embry's house, it's our house and you're my sister. Besides, it would be nice to have adult company, he spends a lot of time at practice and stuff, so most of the time it's just me and Avery."

"Okay, well I'll see what kind of plans I can make and when I have a concrete itinerary I'll let you know."

"Okay, sounds good."

Leah and I talked for a few minutes more before hanging up. After I set the phone back in the cradle, I turned my attention back to the computer and the Boston Harbor Hotel's website, skimming idly through the pictures posted on the site, liking the room called the Wharf Room the best. It was the largest and on the ground floor, right up in the harbor's face. The more photos I looked at, the more I liked it for our wedding. It had the right amount of elegance and charm without being too in your face and over powering. I bookmarked the page and reminded myself to show Embry when he got home.

* * *

The days started to become cooler as the New England fall settled into the trees. I found myself buying thick sweaters, and heavy winter jackets in preparation for the coming winter. I felt awkward in the heavy winter clothes, my body unused to wearing so many layers of clothing and for the briefest moment, I yearned for the mild Florida weather. Then, as quick as the desire coursed through me, it left as the wind blew through the trees, ruffling the scent of fall. I closed my eyes and inhaled, listening as the bus rumbled down the street toward the group of waiting kids at the corner. Duke lay at my feet, snoring softly.

I opened my eyes as the bus hissed to a stop and the kids rushed forward, clamoring for their place in line. Avery fell in beside two boys and turned to wave at me before disappearing onto the hulking bus. The doors flapped shut and the bus shuddered forward. I waved once more before turning to disappear into the warmer recesses of the house.

Embry was upstairs packing, he had an away game this weekend, and I was taking him to the airport in an hour. He was leaving and forty-five minutes later Leah was arriving. When I posed the question of her coming to stay for a little while the first thing out of Embry's mouth was, "are you two going to get a long?"

I had smacked him playfully and assured him there would be no hijinks between the two of us, that I was actually looking forward to her coming. We were going to go dress shopping and finalize the last of the details for the wedding.

In addition to Leah's arrival, Sue would be arriving in a few weeks to help with the last minute details of the wedding. Overall, I was excited and anxiously counting down the days until we would be married. I wandered into the kitchen to pour myself another cup of coffee, humming a song I heard on a TV show the previous night.

With the chorus stuck on repeat in my head and my cup of coffee in hand, I turned to my good friend Google and searched the song. A smile tugged at my lips as the results popped up: Britt Nicole, Walk On The Water. Embry and I had danced to one of her songs at prom, something about being lost then found. He said the song reminded him of me back then. I clicked the link on the screen and the song filtered out of the computers speakers. I hummed along and sipped my coffee, liking how this song fit us too.

Embry's sneakers thudded down the stairs and the sick thud of his duffel bag echoed down the hall. "You about ready?" I called, glancing at the clock.

"Yes, I just need…." He entered the kitchen and looked around, raking his fingers through his hair.

"What are you looking for?" I asked.

He quickly hurried across the kitchen, obviously spotting what he'd been looking for. "You," he said and snaked an arm around my waist, kissing me.

"Mmm, come on, we have to get going or you'll miss your flight."

Embry rolled his eyes and took my coffee cup, taking a sip. "Why do you have to be so practical?"

"Well, someone has to be," I responded with a smile. "Come on now fiancé, your flight waits."

"Ooh I like the way that sounds. Are you sure you and Leah can handle the wedding planning? You know it's not too late to hire someone."

I rolled my eyes, "That's what you always say. "Hire someone." I don't want to hire someone to do something I can do myself. I do need you to do one thing, not right now, but soon."

"What's that?"

"Start thinking about what our song should be. You know, the first dance as a married couple song…I've been racking my brain, but nothing's stuck yet."

"Okay I can do that." Embry grabbed the keys and headed for the foyer and his bag. "You ready?"

I nodded and flicked off the coffee pot. "Yup, let's go."

* * *

Airports and chaos are synonymous, I don't know what it is, but it's as if someone personally unleashed Havoc and let him roam free, delighting his every whim. There was an accident as we pulled on the road that ran alongside the airports parking garages and it took an extra ten minutes to get around. Then once we got to the check in desk, they couldn't find his reservation, which required a great deal of apologizing and, an equal amount of phone calls to someone unknown someone who settled the situation. I walked with him until the security checkpoint, waved and blew him a kiss then turned and walked toward the gate Leah's flight would be arriving at.

I sat down and watched the comings and goings of weary travelers, sympathizing with their plight. Some looked frustrated, others looked like they'd been living out of their carry on suitcase, but all had that same pinched expression, the one that said the day someone invented another mode of transportation that annihilated flying they'd be the most pleased people on the planet.

Leah's flight arrived on time and she came bounding down the terminal, still ridiculously tall, still ridiculously good looking, but a little wiser looking than the last time I saw her. When she spotted me, she hurried toward me and we hugged.

"How was your flight?" I asked when she finally pulled away.

Leah shrugged and we walked toward the baggage claim. "You know, overseas flights are murder. However, the good thing is that I'm not going back – to Spain or Bastien. I'm staying here, well not here as in Boston, but here as in America."

I gaped at her, "Are you serious?"

She nodded. "I was serious when I said I missed America. Ever seen _Love and Basketball_?"

I nodded.

"I felt like that girl, Stuck overseas when all she really wanted to do was play the game she loved and be with the people she loved. So I quit the team and I told Bastien that I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him and that I missed my friends and family back home. He said he understood and he wished me all the luck."

"Wow, he took the news good then?"

Leah nodded. "Yeah, he even helped me pack and drove me to the airport."

"Wow, what a nice guy."

"Yeah," she said, "he'll make some Spanish woman very happy."

We collected Leah's ridiculous amounts of luggage and somehow managed to wheel them out of the airport and across the parking lot to my car. As I closed the trunk, I glanced at Leah. "Is that all your stuff or are you sending stuff home?"

"That's all the stuff I cared enough about to bring home. I left the rest in Spain. I told Bastien he could give it away or sell it; I didn't really care."

I got into the car and waited for Leah to get in. "What are you going to do now?"

Leah shrugged, snapping her seatbelt. "I don't know. I've been going and going and going for so long I think I might just drift for a while, take it easy, and figure out what to do now."

I nodded as I followed the signs leading me back to the interstate. "Sounds like a plan. You're more than welcome to stay with us as long as you like or as long as you need; to be honest it'll be nice to have you around."

Leah raised an eyebrow. "Oh?" she said curiously. "Trouble in paradise already?"

"Oh no," I quickly responded. "It's just the stadium is an hour's drive, so he leaves early and doesn't get home until late and the season is starting soon, they've got the team flying all over for these things called exhibition games, or pre-season games-"

"Why do they do that?" Leah asked confusion knit her brow together.

"It helps the coaches decided who they are going to keep and who they are going to get rid of."

"So Embry could wind up not playing for New England then?"

I nodded and signaled, pulling off the highway at my exit.

"What happens if he doesn't get to play for New England?"

I shrugged, unsure of the answer. I never even considered that possibility.

"You haven't thought about it?" she asked incredulously.

"No, it never even crossed my mind. A lot of this is new to me. When you're a kid, you don't see this stuff, when Phil played ball I always thought that the team he was on was because he wanted to play there, but it's really a lot more complicated than that."

"Yeah I can tell," Leah said. "So if he doesn't stay here what are you guys going to do?"

"Go home," I said automatically.

Leah's jaw dropped. "You'd go back home?"

"Well not to mom and dad's, but yeah, I'd give serious consideration to moving back home. I miss having family around, you know. The last few days I feel like I've been strutting down memory lane, all of a sudden everything from high school is staring me in the face and I don't know why. I feel like I should be that girl again because that girl had all the answers, then she went and grew up and totally got lost somewhere along the way."

"High school was easier," Leah agreed, "but Bella I don't think that's the answer. I think you faced a lot over the years and you need to figure out how to make it work for you. But really, I think you're doing great. You picked up the pieces and somehow made them fit back together without leaving a huge gaping hole. You adapted."

"I adapted," I echoed. "I think maybe what it is, what's going on in my head, is I'm used to adapting and now I don't have to. Maybe I just need to learn to go with the flow."

"Going with the flow is good."

I nodded and turned down our street. As I drove up the driveway, Leah snorted. "This is where you live?"

I nodded. "It's huge isn't it?"

"Uh, you think?"

"Just a bit. I didn't know where you wanted to stay, so I fixed up the guest room for you, but if you want to stay longer, we can fix up the third floor and make it sorta like a little apartment for you. If you wanted."

Leah nodded. "Okay. Wow I can't believe this is where you live."

"Wait till you see the inside." I pulled the car into the garage and shut it off, popping the trunk. Leah got out and looked around, then turned to the door leading inside and stared at it expectantly.

"What's wrong?" I asked setting her suitcases down on the floor.

"I'm waiting," she responded.

"Um, for what, Leah?"

"For Jeeves."

I snorted and said, "Who?"

"Your butler. You gotta have a butler, tell me you have some persnickety British man with a snub nose and a dull grey suit sporting white gloves hidden away in there."

"You're going to be sorely disappointed. No uppity British butler, just you and me, now come get your stuff."

Leah pouted and made her way to the back of the car to retrieve her suitcases. "Bummer, I was really hoping you had a butler."

"Tell it to Embry; I'm sure he'd love to hire a butler."

* * *

Leah settled into the guest room, Embry came home, joyous after having won his exhibition game against Jacksonville and securing a regular season spot with the Patriots. I set up a meeting with the Boston Harbor Hotel, a caterer and a cake maker. Deposits were made, dresses were bought and altered, invitations were mailed, and honeymoons were booked.

The month of September flew by in the blink of an eye. I would have forgotten my own birthday if it weren't for Avery who burst through the bedroom doors the morning of with a card he drew himself the previous evening.

Sue came out once October arrived and helped with the final details of the wedding while Leah and I searched the city for a reputable contractor to remodel the third floor. Embry and I had talked about it, about having her stay with us for a while and he agreed the third floor could be hers.

Having Leah around was like having a really good girlfriend around. I'd spent so much of my life friends with boys that I forgot what it was like to have a female friend and we spent the weekdays strolling through the mall or having lunch. Even Avery loved having her around, she doted on him, and he basked in her affections.

The weeks in October passed quickly and finally it was the night before the wedding. I stared in the mirror that night as I realized that tomorrow my life would change again, and this time for the better.

I closed my eyes and sent a silent prayer to the heavens above.

_Good time for a change, see, the luck I've had can make a good woman turn bad, so please, please, please, let me, let me, let me, let me get what I want this time. I haven't had a dream in a long time, so for once in my life; let me get what I want. So please, please, please, let me, let me, let me, let me get what I want_

* * *

**Reviews are better than Bella saying yes, because we all knew she would...lol**

Walk On The Water – Britt Nicole

Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want by She and Him (from the 500 Days of Summer soundtrack)


	40. After Afterall

**A/N All Twilight character's belong to Stephenie Meyer **

Well, here it is, last chapter. I have to be honest...I'm glad this is finished..this was the most emotionally taxing thing ever..lol. To everyone who decided to keep reading all those chapters ago, thanks. I'm glad you stuck it out with me. and if alternate endings are you thing, I'll put the other one up right after this is posted.

**Bella**

You can start at one place in your life, the road laid out before looks so clear, so certain. You never think about the hard times that may or may not lie ahead, you see the happy moments, the good times, the times you _want _to remember.

You never think about the things that will hurt, the times that will crush your heart and break your spirit. No one photographs those times, the ones that remain in the back of your mind, lingering just beneath the surface of your conscious memory.

But they happen, they hurt, you get past it and move on. Even when it seems impossible, even when it seems unimaginable – you get back up, brush yourself off and you put one foot in front of the other and you begin to live again.

My brown-eyed reflection stared back at me as I stared in the mirror, the light in the room low, casting a buttery glow over the vanity top and pooling on the floor. Anxious butterflies flew about my stomach, my nerves hummed with excitement and a little bit of fear and panic.

What if this changed everything? What if something happened to Embry as it had happened to Jake?

What if I was over reacting?

What if this time I would truly be happy?

What if?

I let out a shaky breath and tried to smile at my reflection. She grimaced; her lips pulled back, teeth bared. I released the expression and glanced down at the vanity top, laying my sweating hands atop its cool surface.

There was a brief knock at the door. "Come in," I called, voice trembling. The door opened slowly and Charlie's head poked in. "Are you about ready sweetheart?

"Almost," I said. "Can you just give me another minute or so?"

Charlie smiled and backed out of the room, quietly closing the door behind him leaving me once again alone. I slid open a drawer on the vanity and pulled out a picture that was tucked inside.

Jake smiled up at from the photograph, young and healthy, his eyes sparkling mischievously. I smiled back at him, running my fingers over the photo. I felt…indescribable. There were no words that could explain how I felt at this moment, the past and the present colliding together at light speed to create the future in an explosion of light and happiness, tears and unspoken fears cast away, no longer weighing me down.

I looked at the photo once more. "I want you to know," I said, blinking back the inevitable tears. "That I loved you more than words could ever hope to explain. I will always love you for what you were to me, but Embry – only God could stop me from loving him. I hope you know that. I have had the best of both worlds, he carried me when I lost my parents, and you carried me when he no longer could and somewhere in the process, I learned to stand on my own."

I set the picture down and rose from the vanity table. crossing the bedroom, I opened the door, calling for Charlie. He appeared, smiling. "Are you ready now?"

I nodded and shut the bedroom door behind me. Leah and Sue were standing the end of the hallway and Sue made a noise somewhere between a squeal and a gasp, happy tears filling her eyes.

"Wow," I joked, "this all feels vaguely familiar."

Charlie chuckled but said nothing, Sue wiped her eyes, and Leah cracked an evil grin. "I always thought the third time was the charmer, but maybe you'll get lucky on the second."

"Well, technically, this _is_ our third time. You know, we got it right in high school, failed miserable in college, and now here we are again."

Leah cocked her head to the side. "Whatever," she said airily. "We have got to get a move on or you're going to be late to your own wedding."

"Where's Avery?" I asked looking around.

"Downstairs. I told him to sit his tush on the couch and wait."

"Okay let's go."

The three of us hurried down the stairs. Leah rushed ahead and disappeared into the living room, reappearing shortly with a dashing Avery by her side.

"Are you ready to go?"

He nodded solemnly and we stepped into the chilly October afternoon. The limo driver opened the door, and we climbed in. as the limo drove uptown to the hotel my erratic heartbeat slowed to a normal pace, the sweaty palms dried and a serene feeling of calm washed over me.

When the limo came to a stop and the door open, I calmly exited the car, taking Charlie's arm. He patted my hand and gave me a smile before reaching for Sue who climbed out behind me. Avery rushed to my side and took my hand.

"Come on mommy, let's get this done with. This stupid monkey suit is hurting my neck."

"Stupid monkey suit?" I echoed and he jerked a thumb in Charlie's direction. I rolled my eyes and entered the hotel. I had to change into my dress, which was waiting in Embry's hotel room. Charlie pulled the room key out and handed it to Sue. "We'll see you in a few minutes."

Charlie took Avery's hand and guided him toward where I suspected Embry awaited. The three of us, Sue, Leah, and I, climbed aboard the elevator and rode to the sixth floor. We hurried toward the room and let ourselves in. My dress was waiting in the adjoining bedroom and I hurried toward it, pulling the button up shirt I was wearing off and shucking off the denim skirt.

"Lee, can you come help me," I called to Leah.

"Right behind you Bella," she replied.

The dress came out, and Leah held it upright, grasping my arm as I stepped into it and pulled it up. The luxe taffeta dress weighed more than more me with its crystal beading and sequins and mini chapel train. I gently finger the three ivory roses at my hip, their fabric petals soft beneath my fingers.

Leah tugged gently at the discreet zipper. I inhaled, silently praying that I didn't gain any weight. The zipper ticked slowly, comfortably – perfectly, up the back of the dress. I exhaled and turned to glance in the full-length mirror on the closet door. My reflection smiled back, all traces of the toothy grimace gone now, a look of serenity in her eyes.

"You look perfect," Leah breathed.

"Really?"

"Really, really," she answered.

"Thank you," I said, shuffling over to hug her. "All of this came together because I had you to help me."

Leah shrugged slightly, the hem of her dress – a pale green she told me was called celadon – ruffling with the motion. "I think it's what he," her finger pointed toward the heavens, "would have wanted. Besides you deserved it, you deserve to go all out at least once. And, by the way, you look gorgeous."

I twisted from side to side, ruffling the skirt of my wedding dress. "Oh this old thing? It was just something that was, you know, lying around in the back of the closet. Seriously, thank you. You've been such a help these last few weeks and it's been great having you around."

Leah hugged me, leaning her body away from mine. "Okay, okay, knock it off before you make me cry and if I cry then you're gonna cry and if you cry, mom's gonna cry and dad will come in here and find three weepy clowns who used to be his wife and daughters."

In the living room, the door opened and Charlie's heavy footsteps echoed over the floor. "Girls? It's time to get this show on the road."

Leah hugged me once more. I patted her back and then we hurried from the room, the skirts of my dress ruffling. Charlie's eyes brimmed with tears as we joined him and Sue in the doorway of the room.

"You look beautiful," he said proudly.

"Aww thanks Daddy but its Bella's day," Leah said playfully.

"You ready princess?" he asked me. I nodded and the four of us walked down the hushed hallway to the elevator. Charlie pushed the call button and we waited. The doors whished open and a family, a mother, father and a little pig tailed girl stepped off. She exclaimed as they walked by us, the mother smiled at me.

"Mommy look!," the little girl gushed, "She's a princess!"

I waved at the girl as we boarded the elevator. She smiled and waved back as the doors closed. Slowly, the elevator sank to the ground floor. "Are you nervous?" Sue asked.

I shook my head no and watched the numbers dropping. "Not anymore. Earlier this morning I was terrified, but then it just kind of went away." I inhaled and blew out a steady stream of air. "This is right," I stated. "This is so right it should be wrong."

Sue chuckled softly as the elevator doors slid open. "Here we go."

The doors to the wharf room open and the rustle of wedding day finery as our guests turned to smile at me. Sue and Leah made their way to the front of the room, Sue sitting down, Leah continued, standing opposite of Embry and Avery.

Charlie took my arm and glanced down at me. "Are you sure you're ready?"

I took a deep breath, looked at Embry, looked to Charlie, and nodded. "I'm ready."

* * *

The walk down the aisle, the vows, the kisses, and "I do's" were a blur. Embry's arms were strong around me, holding me close to him as he twirled me around the dance floor. We'd danced our first dance to Lady Antebellum's _Can't Take My Eyes Off You. _Charlie and I danced to some song he picked out called _Ready, Set, Don't Go. _The night was perfect, surrounded by our closest friends and family, laughing, having fun and finally living.

I once thought perfection was overrated, that it wasn't real, that wanting something to be perfect was childish.

"One more dance Mrs. Call?" Embry asked holding his hand out. I accepted it and allowed myself to be escorted to the dance floor. I laid my head on his chest and breathed him in. Committing the smell of his tux, the scent of candles burning on the tables in the reception hall, Avery's laughter as a little girl with stick straight brown hair kissed his cheek and ran away giggling, Leah laughing as she asked him to dance, Sue and Charlie swaying to the beat of the Dashboard Confessional song to memory.

I closed my eyes, reveling in the glow of happiness, in the perfection. This life was flawed and it had scars, tracks where love had left her mark and trails were hurt had ripped the flesh. This, my life, was perfect and I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

"And when the path I have made, from the grass to the grave, I will love you still," he sang, his lips brushing my ear. "And when the sand turns to glass and all that's left is the past I will love you still."

The End

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**Reviews are better than a happily ever after. for realz, they are. lol.**

After Afterall - William Fitzsimmons - chapter title

Kiss the Rain (strings version) Yiruma

Can't take my eyes off you - Lady Antebellum

Ready, Set, don't go - Billy Ray & Miley Cyrus.


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